Last Rites

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A long time hero has fallen. She has served her duty, and done her time. And now, at last, it is time to lay her to rest.

Cover art grabbed off the internet.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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MrNumbers

MrNumbers #1 · Feb 20th, 2014 · 2 · 4 ·

Read this and try again.

Slateblu1

Slateblu1 #2 · Feb 20th, 2014 · 2 · ·

3973972
Whether or not you liked my story isn't really a concern of mine. However, due to your response, I am curious. If you didn't like it, feel free to say so. If you feel that I should have done something differently, go ahead and tell me.

Your comment is very vague and useless, as far as I'm concerned. From what I gather, you seem to think the entire story is a failure, and you just don't like it as a whole. Which is fine, but mildly annoying to me. I know I have room to grow as an author, and I welcome constructive criticism. Your comment, however, seems to be the random thoughts of a troll.

I'm really at a loss for how to appropriately respond to you, for I don't understand what you're trying to say to me.

MrNumbers

MrNumbers #3 · Feb 20th, 2014 · · 2 ·

Whether or not you liked my story isn't really a concern of mine.

It should be. Whether the audience likes your story is your first, last and every concern in between.

sound to brake

Last Rights

Break. Rites. Learn your homophones.

A stiffed

Stifled. Don't use words you don't know.

They slowly came. "I.... I miss you.... Don't have too much fun without me, Okay?."

Ellipsis use three dots and no capital letter afterwards.

lip trembling

Singular, not plural. If it's meant to be only one of her lips specify upper or lower.

Miscellaneous problems are numerous capitalization errors, run-on sentences, poor construction, lackluster characterization (even if the dialogue itself was decent) and a tendency to rely too heavily on metaphors you think sound good but don't quite carry the meaning you need it to.

Thus, the link.

Slateblu1

Slateblu1 #4 · Feb 20th, 2014 · 1 · ·

3974228 First, thank you for pointing out the errors. You could have done that in your first post. And I'd like to remind you that nobody is perfect. I made mistakes, no need to attack my ability to write.

As for the things pointed out in your last paragraph, I wrote the story the way I did, with long sentences and little construction and almost no characterization for a reason. As for the metaphors, I didn't intentionally include any.

Some random Rapidash

Some random Rapidash #5 · Feb 20th, 2014 · · ·

Pretty decent story.

TexPony

TexPony #6 · Feb 24th, 2014 · · ·

I got sad. But I do feel it is a bit short to cause actual tears to fall. It was a great story and a nice read but maybe try for a bit longer. Have a good one, friend.