The Child of Technology
By: White Dragon
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 2: Introductions, and Death Glares
I sat there as they stared at me and I stared back. It was a very awkward moment. We just sat there staring at each other. The silence was deafening, like you could cut it with a knife. A butter knife, A DULL butter knife.
“So…,” I say trying to break the silence. “You six are the new Elements?” I ask turning to them. They don’t say anything, they just stare at me like they have never seen anything like me before. Which I guess in retrospect is correct.
“Y-yes, we are..” answered Twilight, quietly.
“Mind telling me your names?” I ask, kind of getting annoyed at their skittishness.
“Well m-my name is Twilight Sparkle,” she says pointing to herself. “This is Rainbow Dash,” she points to the cyan Pegasus with a rainbow mane, “Applejack,” she points to the orange Earth pony with a blond mane and Stetson hat, “Rarity,” she points to the white unicorn mare with a purple mane, (for some reason she reminds me of a giant marshmallow), “and this is… where is Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?” she asks looking around as the rest of them do.
“Does she have a light pink mane and tail?” I ask looking at the thrones.
“How would you know?” Celestia asks, giving me another death glare. I sigh and roll my eyes, but of course they don’t see that. I point behind her gold throne.
“Turn around,” I say turning my head. Celestia and Luna turn around and look behind their thrones, to see a light pink tail shaking like a leaf. Luna facehoofs and Celestia sighs, and uses her magic to lift Fluttershy out from behind her throne. Fluttershy gives a quiet Eeep, and hides behind Rainbow Dash when she is set down. “Hey didn't you say there was anot-”
“HIMPINKIEPIEWOWYOUAREBIGDOYOUWANTTOBEMYFRIENDEVERYONEISMYFRIENDSOWEWOULDBEGREATFRIENDSSOOOOHHHHSHINY!!” the pink rocket says.
“AHHHHH,” I yell falling backwards and hitting the marble floor as everyone hears it crack and break. I groan as I rub my head.
“Pinkie Pie!!! Why did you do that! You could make him mad!” yells Twilight, looking angry at Pinkie.
“I’m sorry Mr. Giant Robot Person,” says Pinkie with large sad eyes. My own eyes go wide, the adorableness it is too much! I grab Pinkie Pie and turn to Celestia,
“Celestia turn this into a weapon,” I say holding up Pinkie Pie. “Her adorableness is too much for a soul.” Celestia and the rest of them look at me like, what are you talking about? “Never mind” I plop Pinkie back on the ground and turn to Celestia. “So, what happens to me, now that I have surrendered?” I ask.
“Well um, I didn't expect this when the guard said you had escaped,” said Celestia, staring at me, expecting me to attack at any moment. Still giving me the death glare.
“The guard… Oh right that guard,” I look towards the throne room doors and wave my hand, causing the iron bar to disappear. The next second was quiet, the one after that not.. so much. Almost all the guards in the castle fell through the doors as they opened, not expecting them to open. They get up, and look at Celestia, then Luna, then The Elements, and finally me. One guard with a blue mane and a star on his armor shouts ‘GET IT’ as almost every guard tries to take me down. And in my defense I sat there. You maybe you are wondering why i’m not defending myself? Let me give you a size comparison, take a kitty, very small and cute and compare it to a manticore. That’s like 8x the size of the kitty. So I sat there for about 15ish minutes, and finally all the guards are panting and wheezing. “You done yet?” I ask some of the guards, they just nod and then collapse. “So, Celestia you think of something yet?” I ask her.
“Yes, but first, why did you surrender?” she asks, some what nicer and depressed at the sight of her guards. I sigh and look down at my hands.
“I want forgiveness for my past, and redemption for my sins.” I say still looking at my hands. Celestia’s mane and tail burst into flames and her coat turns red and orange, and looks like she is going to murder me. All I can think is oh dam.
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO ASK THAT! YOU KILLED HUNDREDS OF PONIES AND ALMOST MURDERED ME AND LUNA,” Celestia yelled using the Royal Canterlot Voice. My eyes turn blood red and I stand up to my full height.
“WHAT MAKES ME THINK,” I shout to Celestia almost topping the Royal Voice, stopping her in her tracks. “I CAME HERE AS A PEACEFUL SMALL CREATURE LOST FROM HIS HOME, ALL OF YOUR ‘PONIES’ WERE AFRAID OF ME, SO I HID AND I DIDN'T BOTHER THEM!” “THEN WHEN A DRAGON WAS ATTACKING THEIR VILLAGE, I STOPPED IT.” “THEN I FINALLY HAD A HOME, I WAS HAPPY!” By this time Celestia’s mane and fur had gone back to their normal colors and she was looking sad. “AND TELL EVERYPONY WHAT YOU DID,” I shout to her.
“I-i, I-i..” she was almost in tears, her eyes were wet and glossy.
“TELL THEM WHAT YOU DID!!” I screamed at her.
“I-I saw you as a threat when you-u were helping and i- I used my fire on you..” she says openly crying. The Elements and Luna gasped.
“THAT'S RIGHT, YOU USED YOUR FIRE AND ALMOST ALL OF MY BODY WAS BURNED.” “DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?” I ask her still shouting, she shook her head. “AND DO YOU KNOW WHO HELPED ME? IT WAS DISCORD, HE SAID THAT WE WERE BOTH MONSTERS, AND I BELIEVED HIM, HE GAVE ME THE PARTS NEEDED TO BUILD THIS ARMOR, SO I COULD LIVE.” “AFTER THAT ONLY ANGER AND RAGE FILLED ME, I WANTED NOTHING MORE TO END YOU, AND ALL PONIES.” Everyone in the room gasped. “SO I WENT BAck and i- I killed everyone in the village, I burned it to the ground, using the same method you used on me.” I had calmed down a lot now and was sitting back down. “Then I found you and we fought while Discord sat on the sidelines, then you got out the Elements and used them on Discord, and you had gotten rid of the one thing that understood me, so I ran, and ran, and ran. But you followed me, and while I slept you used the Elements of Harmony on me.”
“Then I was trapped in stone, and I couldn't dream. I couldn't do anything but watch the days, months and years go by as I stood there, watching and waiting.” “And after 100 or so years, Discord was able to contact me. We talked and then we fought. Do you know how it would feel to have the Lord of Chaos and Disharmony, in your head messing with your memories?” I was sitting on the ground now, my head in my hands and my eyes turned blue. “I broke free of his bonds and remembered all the things I did, to the village and to you. And I felt horrible for it, so I made a promise to myself, that I would come back here if I ever got free, and ask for forgiveness.”
“But as I see now, you won’t forgive me, so just turn me back to stone,” I said as I stood there with my eyes closed waiting for it to happen. I heard the clop of metal on stone and expected Celestia to give the order. What I didn't expect was to receive a hug. It shocked me as it did everyone else. I look down to see a dark blue star filled mane greet my eyes. “Luna wha-..” I asked confused.
“I’m sorry, i'm so very sorry,” Luna said crying on my armor, her tears running down my copper plated shoulder, running off and hitting the ground.
“Luna why are you sorry, you didn't do anything,” I asked her confused. She lets go and stands back on her hooves.
“That's just it,” she says. “I did nothing, I saw your pain but was too afraid to do anything, I am so sorry for that.” “It is because of me that you were stuck in stone for so long, so if you're still mad, please take your anger out on me,” she says as she goes into a sturdy pose, meant to take a hit. I sigh as I hit a button on the side of my armor, and say,
“Open and shrink.”
My armor starts to move as Luna and the rest of the ponies back away. My fingers stand straight and slide into both of my hands and lock. The whistles collapse on themselves and go into a compartment in the hand. My arms go straight and detach as they lower themselves to the ground and shrink down to look like little gloves that would fit on a key chain. My shoulders turn and encompass my head as they seal. All of them sit there amazed at what is going on. My legs stand straight as they let out multiple hisses of steam and start to shrink down and in to look like little boots. At last the chest compartment opens up with a hiss and steam with the smell of oil goes everywhere. I step out wearing a black cloak that covers my entire body. The chest compartment shrinks down also to look like a small chest plate. A silvery looking string appears around my neck and all the parts of the armor move towards it. The little boots go at the bottom to form feet, the torso goes in the middle to form the chest and the gloves go to the sides of the torso to form arms. I sigh as I turn around to look at all of them and I take my hood off. I was about to speak when I heard my stomach rumble. I grinned and looked at them,
“You guys got any food?”
NEW CHAPTER IS UP TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK :D
3977271
it's alright but definitely need work.
MOAR!
3977271
Excellent... a lovely story you have here, I'll be watching and looking forward for more of this.
Interesting
Nice. Rhahahahaha
3977271 cdn.gifbay.com/2013/09/i_love_it_from_tomskas_coming_out-85631.gif
Not bad.
Holy exposition batman.
This is all moving a bit too fast, considering how short the chapters are. And the way they just spit out exposition by the truckloads in such an unnatural way is kind of not great.
So far I would give it a 7/10 taking into account this is a first attempt. I would slow down the pace and try to avoid explaining a chapters worth of information in one large paragraph. Other than that, I like it so far. The vocabulary and writing structure is all there, just have to practice more I suppose.
So far...... i LOVE IT
Me like :).
It's interesting so far, but you need to lengthen it out a bit. Moving way to fast for me to enjoy this fully. I'm still enjoying it though.
wonder what the Elements reaction to being a omnivore are. also very good
Please, don't write ever again.
>Hey, this story looks promising
>romance tag
damnit.
Note: not a reflection on your writing or anything, I just hate it when this happens.
3978099
Kinda mean there...but at least he's doing something to separate him from the herd.
And somehow this story has been viewed more times then mine even though it seems kinda...un-edited. Unlike mine. Eh, don't matter let the author do what he wishes, and he can burn in his own personal hell for the monster he creates.
Well, unedited in the sense he didn't notice how much he shoved into a tiny paragraph. Did that a few times, making everything really fast. Details are needed, ya know.
3978099
That kind of attitude is not welcome here.
Looks promising, a bit short though
You should write the expresion that they are doing for separate their lines because is just a little awkward read one dialoge that dont have any expresion. But i like the story
3977361
Mr. Moonsaber. We need you to come with us.
Sir, the story is no longer go at light speed.
Good, what speed is it at now?
Sir... it's going at GOD SPEED!!!
WHAT?! Hmmm.... keep an eye on it for me. I still think that story can be good.
Right, as you wish sir.
3978254
I will take that as a yes.
*shoots moonsaber in the legs with a Desert Eagle .50 AE*
i bet you only did this because of the new craze of people being vilified and turned to stone like F*** it where having fun or Screw the rules where on a road trip, I would suggest you check them out if you like this lol
3978391
*Knockout Punch*
*says to my clones* Bag him.
YES
Okay, again, you have a relatively original story here.
But you need an editor, a pre-reader to buff all the kinks out.
I would also suggest adding more details/background to the events that led to Celestia attacking him in the past. It just seems too unbelievable as it is, and doesn't flow very well.
where dat cover art from?
Wat is this! I DIDN'T ALLOW THIS STORY TO GO GODSPEED!!! Eh, who cares, it's still good.
3978685
*says to my clones* Put a gag on him.
And put a blindfold over his eyes.
Hmmmm. So that suit was for his own survival, not just war............
And he was burnt BEFORE he got the suit........
ISN'T HE A FUCKING BURNT UP ASSHOLE? I swear... His appearance ALONE should scare the crap outa many. He should have burns. Or he could be hiding them. Or they could have healed via magic.
You need to explain his appearance out of his armor. He should at least have scars. Even if he had Discord's magic heal him, he would have had to direct it by having Discord do it, or do it himself. Last time I checked, Discord and this guy aren't nurses, let alone magical healers. So if he was healed of the burns and char stuff, he needs to have scars...... large scars........ UGLY scars......... in MANY places.
Oh, also, good story bro.
I like the premise, but MAN do you two need to find an editor.
Grammar errors are everywhere. From mixing up your/you're and there/their to random commas that don't belong anywhere. You guys should find someone to buff these sorts of kinks out soon.
The dialog, in my opinion, is a bit wooden. I'm not quite sure how to put in to words, but I feel a good prereader could help you two improve and make the dialog flow more organically.
I hope that you two continue to have fun with this and fix these common errors.
Until next time gentlemen.
This needs a bunch of editing. I personally would advise you look over the story before you write too much more.
That being said, this is awesome! That last line...
As annoying as it will be to hear by this point, definitely try to find an editor. I think there are groups on the site dedicated to that sort of thing. You have a great idea, and with proper editing and better fleshing out, I think we could have a knockout on our hands here.
Keep up the great work and best of luck finding someone to help out! Looking forward to seeing more of your work, refined.
me guuuuuusta
So as i am working on the new chapter, i have had an idea, if you guys want an editor so bad, then ill find one, then ill post. But so far... no one. I posted on looking for editors and on the story and i made a blog. The Universe hates me.
Well it just fell flat.
Could use lots of editing. Also how is your character so... peaceful and likeable to ponies while it's obvious they deeply wronged him? I mean, Even I would hold a grudge.
3980721 would you hold a grudge for 1,000 years?
3981300
I don't know, really; though I can see myself doing that.
God, the space balls reference In the beggining
keep up the good work
well my interest is gone.
It's the periods, I know they're faint.
Leaves don't shake on their own.
Period again.
I'm not going to bother fixing up the rest, there are a lot. I wouldn't think it would be so hard to just do a couple run throughs post-completion and check for errors. I'm willing to edit on future chapters if want also.
Okay, I won't tell you all mistakes but here is important one.
You do NOT need to write with Caps Lock on to show that characters are shouting. No, Nuh uh. You can write "She/he yelled, her/his voice booming" Or even bold the text, but don't caps lock so much, if you plan to do a whole paragraph like that.
Really like the story so far, please hurry with the next chapter...
3981380
I'd be there with him. Forgive and forget. After all, cool robot body = awesome. Doesn't matter how I got it.
And if a person can forgive someone in a single lifetime, why not fifty?
3978141
Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of all the fucks that are currently not being given by me about your opinion.
there needs to be a bit more improvement. the section explaining his origins could use a flashback sequence instead, and these two chapters could be one instead. its a good concept but it needs some improvement.
Uhh... idk if anyone has mentioned this yet (because I'm not willing to read the 100 or so comments) but when one of the characters in your story is talking there is no need to closing the quotation marks every time they finish a sentence when they aren't finished speaking. Something like this:
Should be:
“I did nothing, I saw your pain but was too afraid to do anything. I am so sorry for that. It is because of me that you were stuck in stone for so long, so if you're still mad, please take your anger out on me,”
3985888
Look at that comment one more time. If there were no fucks given then there is no sound.
Your argument has been invalidated.
Good day.