The Knights of Chaos

Adventure3,010 stories ·1,218 members

The knights of chaos reveal themselves to princess Celestia, bound to throw Equestria and the entire world into chaos as their lord had failed to do. Twilight and the others must do what they can to overcome them.

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Comments ( 6 )

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MetaLucario

MetaLucario #1 · Mar 22nd, 2012 · · ·

first

Magnum-opuS

Magnum-opuS #2 · Mar 25th, 2012 · · ·

needs spacing.
All I got was walls of text.

Cloperella

Cloperella #3 · Mar 26th, 2012 · · ·

You're very close to where you need to be, but you're still in need of some touching up.
Your punctuation needs some touching up. Try to study the proper placement of colons and semi colons, they can really change the meaning of your sentences if you put them in the wrong place. This might help: http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/viewpage.php?page=english

Your characterization has improved quite a bit. Even if I don't agree with certain characters performing certain actions, at least the way they're performing them is believable.

You mentioned that there was a storm on the horizon when they were heading to see the princess. Was this something conjured by the weather team, or is it a rogue storm brewing from the Everfree Forest, or somewhere else that has uncontrollable weather?

Keep at it, you're improving with each step you take.

Brony_Fife

Brony_Fife #4 · Mar 26th, 2012 · · ·

You know, this story could do with some improvements to the style. Nothing is described in a way that seems interesting: everything is written just very blandly. Although I'm astonished that amidst all this mush, you at least tried to keep each pony in-character, which was good, even though what they had to say wasn't interesting either.

What you could do to improve your writing style is try to vary the way you present the world of MLP to your readers. Describe everything as if you've been there, or as if you've met that character in person. You might say
"
A slightly cloudy, but otherwise seemingly normal day in Ponyville was unfolding. The sun was high in the sky; thanks to princess Celestia of course, the birds were singing, the mail was being delivered, and the citizens of the city were making their way through town. The only feature that stood out was a small, pink earth pony creating a small disturbance in outskirts of town..
"
But how about
"
The sun beamed down on Ponyville that day, same as every day Celestia had brought the sun into the sky. Below, all the ponies went about their daily business--selling goods, running errands, delivering the mail--all but one. She danced about Ponyville, not a care in the world.
"

I think your story could work, but the first step is in its presentation. You need to balance what Information you need to provide your readers, and what time to reveal these details. You need to Vary up the way you write a sentence, and add some whimsy to both the characters and narrative.
If you can fix these things, your writing would significantly improve.
<(YOU CAN DO THIS! KEEP TRY!)