Pinkie Pie had found me the perfect collar and handed it over to me. Naturally I had asked her since I knew she would only sell the best, whatever she sold.
I wanted an awesome pet, but could think of only one available; so I asked Fluttershy, who agreed. Why ask any pony else; only Fluttershy could be that awesome pet, for me.
I placed the collar around her neck; and together we observed and experienced her changes, into my very own pet. This is a very special moment in a Pony's life, and I did not want to ruin it.
Chapters (4)
Ugh I can already tell this is bad just by reading the description. It's Fluttershy not Flutter Shy
3919805 I guess you're entitled to your own oppinion.
Though going by that little is rarely fair.
I'm curious, what is it you were hoping for?
At the right moment were RD asked Fluttershy to be her pet I couldnt stop to from giving me a facepalm... just like that? hey Shy wanna be my pet? yeah why not?... that is impossible to believe, i cant find a story at all, it feels like if you were trying to put everything in a nutshell...
You should start reading before you start writting. You seriously need either a proof reader or to read a good story so you can see all the mistakes you are making, this is just the second story I read from you and instead of improvement i think you are getting worst.
3919878 there should be room for more details on this aspect, though I could need a few pointers and hits where and how.
I guess i haven't been reading much as of late, but reading the same story over and over doesn't give much.
Now, that is interesting.
in some ways, I'm pondering if I put too much effort on the spelling, rather then the actual story, going by when you say this.
At least it is early in the story, but I still have to address the problem you pointed out. I can't escape it.
3919878 I added a few words up front before the question, in hope this would explain more of the problem you pointed out.
if it doesn't explain all of it, I can put forth more details later in the story.
3919899
Why don't you try writing all in swedish first then translate it to english. You like Flutterdash I recommend you to read the next fanfics if you don't know what to read:
Ponies in love by The Queen Baby, Yous Truly by Thanqol, Fluttershy's New Pet by Diablomuerte2.
To help you a little bit more with this fanfic you are workin at you should start with Fluttershy's new pet, Why? Because it is a similar theme only that Shy is the master and Dash asked to be the pet. But you gonna see that at least here Dash have a reason for that crazy request.
why must all the stories in this group be so not good ;_; ?....
3937141 group?
as in the pet play group?
at least I have time to improve upon this story.
3924519 that is mainly just another step in the process.
I guess this isn't my best FlutterDash.
by the looks, you're saying shy needs more motivation in order to accept the 'proposal'? if that's what you're saying, I have to put more into it.
I just may come to that, but at the current pace, it will take time.
3937324 yeah....
well that's good , when will it become readable?....
3937348 my Muse can be quite the tricky little beast.
never know when inspiration hit.
guess it is a part of the "Artist's Curse".
When it is readable, would also depend on what you consider readable,
but a few more chapters may help.
3937551 well i see a 80% negative rating , and comments saying to get a proof reader , so i assumed this story wasn't readable as a story....
3937578 like most of my stories, but it is merely some 20 votes up or down.
look around, even the best stries may have 50 downs, even though they have more ups too.
I hope to get this ballanced, somewhere within half a year or so.
I need to get to know the site, and which groups to place my stories on.
just as I need to devellop my stories, just like this one.
I'm trying to use the site features to help both stories and readers.
maybe this isn't exactly my best story.
Rainbow dash feels OOC and the writing in general seems stiff. The idea in itself is interesting, but I , myself think that it would be better to not have the ponies as anthro and the protagonist as a anonymous/OC pony or hman.
3937324
That is one part maybe, but it's not all. A story needs a lot more to keep the reader from saying buck it this sucks than just an idea.
Let's put it this way. When i read i can imagine the story in my head and when the writter is good enough you can almost see the whole picture in your head without thinking too much. And you can even feel what the characters are feeling. With your story i have a hard time knowing what is going on and the images in my head are sticks with little circles as heads.
It's like if you are just writing because you don't have anything else to do and as long as it makes sense for you it doesn't matter. We are not you so we don't know what you are thinking and it's up to you to let us know what exactly is what you want us to think... or at least, get us as close as possible from your main idea.
3938872 I could ask for a few pointers, and by the looks, the story isn't well recieved as it is.
Alternative Universe and Random only excuse so much,
if any character feels OOC or it feels stiff, I have missed something.
There may be room for an Antagonist later in the story, once I've presented the situation and intended characters.
Aside from humaNS, what others could be Antagonists?
3939256 That IS the readers prorogative. as much as the writer may hate it.
so my painting looks like a Rough skets, then? I guess that could make sense.
That's the point of writing, only once publishing, it matters to the Audience.
Which is where you came in. then you say I failed to 'WoW' you?
This early on, I could afford loosing a few readers, if i take the hints and advice given. With this said, what would make the story more enjoyable.
Adding another chapter alone wouldnt save the story, if none stay around to read it. only the chapters someone actually read is worth a thing in the story.
3939349
To begin with you should polish you writing skills because the problem is not the "idea" the problem is the way you present it to us, of course that if theres no readers then whats thw whole point of writing, but i have seen fanfics that start with the wrong foot like for example a taste of an apple, but chapter by chapter you were able to see how the writter started to improve taking in count all the advice the reader were giving, she took her time to polish her work and ended with an amazing story...
Theres going to be people that is going to stop reading since the beginning and others that are going to stay and see if you can really improve, I want to think that you want to be a better writer so putting aside the typos start to think how you can explain things better, tell us about the enviroment, the expressions the characters have, the interactions between them.
3939812 As much as it may get against some, but it feels as if this would be among my best comments this far.
Looking at the focus, and then shifting it from me telling the story, to you enjoying it. if I had no story to tell to begin with, the question would have been pointless/mote, but since I've been told I have a story, this is where the intereting part would begine.
Most of my stories may be in the early stages, before completion.
Though I have three I'm looking over as completed stories.
Maybe this work isn't as exciting for the writer to perform, but if it wasn't done, what's left for you as reader?
Yes, some are bound to leave, even if the story could have been enjoyable after the effect. (I hope I've got the initial writing down by now)
This leaves me with improving on the stories, including the details to enhance the story. (kind of like cutting a gem)
I thought I got the expressions, but I may have seen more then came out in the story?
Ah, landscapes. I seems to have put less effort and interest into these, then would have been desireable.
This is a story with Character Interaction, so I need to put them up front. I was planning more for the next and comming chapters too. even if I guess this doesn't exactly show in the story at this point.
If you're still with me by then, I'd appreciate if you gave a few hints on how things devellop.
3939812 if it is the 'Premice' that is the problem,
I guess the description would be the first place to start the change.
more. now.
pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease???
4220557 I'll see if I can make the next chapter.
Hope you enjoy it once if is out.
4220557 Sorry for letting you wait all this long, I had forgoten or mixed up where I kept the file for the story.
Now I have just gone over the original story and reconsideled two conflicting stories and consolidated it.
I did go over the story, trying to sort out how best to express the intent, correcting grammar and spelling as I went.
Hope the story came out better in the process.
shit , title of this chapter made me want to listen to aquarious now....
also holy fuck this is written so hilariously , you and what's his name have danx or w/e his name is have to do a collab together that would be amazing lol....
sooooo wtf was cheesed petified into then?....
5079092 actually i got the songs mixed up and started playing slash when i read that title....
5079092 aquarious, why? I take it, you are referring to a mucisal group.
5079121 Hillarious? how and why? You think you could talk him(?) into it?
5079148 is it Cheese Sandwich you are talking about? Apparently he had agreed to be her Pet, for the time.
5079561 "Splash"?
I hope the chapter titles are not confusing the story they are representing now.
Oh well, when Pinkie Pie is there, there is a possibility of Hillarity and Random, or both if you are lucky?
5081807 not a musical group , a song....
the broken english makes for an amazingly fun run for me , it ends up making all the characters act and say things in ways that no one would ever normally do , which imagining these characters doing it is just fucking hilarious lol.....
for some reason other people are stupid and don't like it though so person that i wanted you to collab with
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/140169/ab-initiofrom-the-startal-principio got proofreaders and ruined that experience for his story half way through :c .....
yes apparently he agreed to it , but he did so in the way that also meant he was wearing that transformation collar , but it was never described what he was transformed into......
not 'splash' , 'slash'
5082844 To a point, it was intentional, even if the exact effect on a specific reader can never be predicted beforehoof? I try to write my stories to be different and unique, without pulling the characters out of character, which is just wrong and bad. I just can't play safe and sacrifice the story on the grammatical altar, as it were.
I could chance it on them, or a large portion of them being 'Grammar-Nazies'? If you go for grammar before story, you could never enjoy a story to the fullest, since you never get the full immersion, even if the story is actually spot on. Oh well, their loss, really.
I checked the link and found a curious image as Icon. Is that what I think she is wearing?
There is the one problem with the summary, I think the name of said Princess was spelled incorrectly, with an extra 'E' in there?
Did the guy express interest in the proposed collab?
If I by chance managed to get a proofreader, I would still maintain the tone and mood of the story, or it is what I imagine I would. There may be better ways to express some of the situations, but I kind of fails to see how I can stay entirely within the border of grammar for what I try to 'say'.
"Transformation Collar", curious notion, maybe I should allow some Pony to wear such a device at some point? Oh wait, I guess both Flutter Shy and Cheese Sandwich have them an already? I love inventing all manner of devices just like it. If the story going with it could be ported to this site or not is left to be discovered. Although I am trying to device just such a means, in a story I plan to publish, once I can get the 1,000 words required for approving it.
Thanks, I guess I could see what you pointed at earlier, once I manage to get these to play?
5083021 well i believe for them loss of grammar is a loss of immersion....
that depends if you think she is wearing a diaper or not....
said princess? but we have yet to mention a princess in anything yet...
idk , i haven't asked him....
yeah , so what was cheese transformed into?....
don't know what you think it is i was pointing at with those songs.....
5083096 I guess I can see their point, if the Grammar is pulling them out of the story, you can never really enjoy the story. I want my readers to go as deep as it is possible, not just sitting by the desk, feeling the chair under their butts, they need to feel as if they were actually there physically, if possible.
I guess that is what I thought I saw in his image.
Celestia was mentioned at least Twice in his summary, wasn't she?
I doubt I mentioned a Princess in this particular story, at least yet, but you never know?
They have been around in some of my stories. I know Celestia, Luna and Twilight are in several of my stories.
Hmm, if you think it would be a good read, you may consider asking, just to see if there is a chance?
From what I recall, he would be an Earth Deer.(Buck) as in male deer?
At least the tunes does play, on the other PC. Instrumantal, right?
Not sure, but you did mean something, right?
Even if it was just to let me sample for myself?
I still need to read the story while listening to get the last on what you suggested you were thinking of?
5083170 lol that's a tall order for a short 1 off clop fic....
done , asked on previous posted link...
k...
what?...
i meant what i said
their names looked similar.....
5083200 What story are you referring to?
I may have a one-shot, but it isn't a clop, even if I may have a few that would easily work os such?
Immersion in my opinion and experience is in how well you can pull them in.
perspective, sensations(not just sight) vocabulary and what ever you can fill out the blanks between your butt and the seat?
The titles for the clippies at the Tubie does look similiar.
I hope the titles of my chapters and stories doesn't leave you with the same confused impression now.
At least I can listen to these tunes now.
5083726 oh right this wasn't clop my bad lol....
what? no it wasn't your titles that had me confused it was my own name organization for those songs.....
5083813 I have several stories of or with clop, even if this wouldn't be one of them.
We all make mistakes ..
I noticed a flood of clips on the tube with close to identical names, even the images looks identical to me.
Thanks, good to know my chapter titles are not confusing.
Im not saying this to be rude but you need to get a proofreader first and foremost to correct some grammar issues and overall make the story sound clean and smooth. Secondly the one issue that bugs me th emost is the writing itself. The characters are completely well out of character. Their dialogue is monotonous to the point of the descriptions being far more entertaining and engaging.
5316280
The chaptes you are referring to, from the mark are old, more than enough to warrent a serious over-haul, from what I could see.
Could you give any more details, pointing at how and why the writing is bothering you?
The events the story revolves around are mainly what can't be in Canon, thus we know little to noghing about how Ponies would react.
The question would be how far the alternative Universe would permit the changes in the story.
Maybe the closest paralel in Canon is when Twilight had their marks swapped?
I could use some help with that. Could you give me a few hints?
Since the events the story is about up until this point should be anything but, could you elaborate?
For a final point, I would still thank you for trying to say something.
At least your comment does give me an idea as to why it is fairing the way it is.
If only more could take a moment in order to give me as a writer a chance to adress what ever problems you as reader come across, while reading the story.
Oh, and sorry for taking this long in order to respond.
7062859 these Collars are kind of like a wedding ring, and comes with the committments to the other.
7062916 You have that special a friend? or it would explain why you can't ask your friend to wear it for you?
Maybe there is room to explore the underpinning prinsiples of these Collars? Going into how they work and what options are available? The story is focusing on these two as a couple, with the collar to signify, or seal the ship.
7066271 I may not exactly be the expect on Neurophysics and such, but Love isn't a Memory but more of an Emotion. Your situation sounds like a problem with L1/2 caché memory. I gasther tidebits and extrapolate, and it can make for both stories and advice on occasion.
A special some Pony, that is what these Collars are intended for in the first place; while they take you much furhter than the connection of a metal string around a specific finger ever could. It isn't so much in a leather string you hold in your hand in order to real her in, either; if that was the case, you oculd buy one of these in the nearest pet shop.
Looking into the psyké of a pet, there is a special respect continously flowing both ways. It isn't a Master and a slave, but how fun would that have been? Having a Pet is more in managing the relation and the daily life for the both of you in order for both to gain as much from it as possible, while never having one sacrificing to the other. If she has a problem in memory, it sounds as if she needs the Collar more than you.
You need to know her well, and understand which pet she is naturaly leaning towards.
On that note, if you say it at a different time or forget she may notice even if she can't explain how.
7066278 Interesting correlation to the story, regardless of if it is a fantacy or a need built up by some physical problem. Just hope I don't give away too much of where the story is going, or give a mixxed message.
A seemingly self explanatory question but will this be updated? Not read it yet since I usually wait for completion on stories but this is something from a time capsule
No offense