3879095 I am fully aware of that in all honesty. And I am re-working part 2 so I can fix that as best as I can. IF I had to have an argument against what you said, instead of saying clop I would say: Asmodeus has lived for thousands of years, literally perfecting every aspect of his character he can. And hes a demon literally made for seduction, so when in situations like the one in the chapter he knows exactly what to do. So thats why he came across as Gary Stu. But as I said before, I do hope to rectify that in the following chapters so please tell me how well I end up doing that.
Half expecting Celly or Lulu to be the "Ex-Girlfriend with a Grudge." Or Chrysalis if you want the funny without the possible drama. Wonder what Cadance will think of him. Shiny's going to have a little bit of a difficult time with the traditional big brother threats.
Anyways, that was pretty hot, can't wait to see more.
3879670 I already have plans for Celestia and Luna, and it doesn't involve an Ex with a Grudge. I haven't given much thought to Chrysalis though, that might be cool. But In all honesty, I don't know how long this is going to be, I'm not thinking more than 5-6 parts, with a few interludes and bonus chapters. And putting more and more stuff in may make it get convoluted, do you get what I'm saying?
It wasn't a suggestion, just an idle thought. I found the mental image of Asmodeus hiding under Twilight's bed while one of the local immortals was telling him to come back so they could castrate him amusing.
Could always put it in as a sideshot, make it Celestia (Trollestia) messing with him about corrupting her student or something. Play a little Yakety Sax.
This is a nice bit of fun, but it does need a considerable amount of work on grammar & punctuation, as well as description & word choice if you want to submit this to the High Quality Mature Fiction group. The last one is probably going to be the hardest because since you've got so many varied positions and acts you'll have a lot of work beefing up the descriptions and keeping it all feeling "fresh". Just a personal bit of advice, but you also might want to use 'cunt' less. It can be effective for spicing up a very intense scene, but like all strong spices it's best used in moderation and only when it won't overpower everything else around it.
Only one chapter in and I'm loving this! It's wonderfully sensual, but had the right amount of story. Consider this another fave to this wonderful story!
Wow, just wow. Best story I have ever read in my life. I this story. Welcome to fimfiction and I hope you keep writing more interesting stories.
3875975
Thanks It means alot to me to hear you say that. And I fully intend to write more, so don't worry about that.
3876836
Your welcome.
I usually don't write comments but this story deserves compliment.
Very well written, nice work.
In my mind, Asmodeus is voiced by Dan Green. Because this seems to be exactly the kind of thing he would lend his voice to.
Oh I remember this, nice that you posted it as a standalone, it was certainly good enough to be one.
3877403
Thanks a lot man.
3877793
Lol, I can see it
3878872
3879095
I am fully aware of that in all honesty. And I am re-working part 2 so I can fix that as best as I can. IF I had to have an argument against what you said, instead of saying clop I would say: Asmodeus has lived for thousands of years, literally perfecting every aspect of his character he can. And hes a demon literally made for seduction, so when in situations like the one in the chapter he knows exactly what to do. So thats why he came across as Gary Stu. But as I said before, I do hope to rectify that in the following chapters so please tell me how well I end up doing that.
Half expecting Celly or Lulu to be the "Ex-Girlfriend with a Grudge." Or Chrysalis if you want the funny without the possible drama. Wonder what Cadance will think of him. Shiny's going to have a little bit of a difficult time with the traditional big brother threats.
Anyways, that was pretty hot, can't wait to see more.
3879670
I already have plans for Celestia and Luna, and it doesn't involve an Ex with a Grudge. I haven't given much thought to Chrysalis though, that might be cool. But In all honesty, I don't know how long this is going to be, I'm not thinking more than 5-6 parts, with a few interludes and bonus chapters. And putting more and more stuff in may make it get convoluted, do you get what I'm saying?
3879997
It wasn't a suggestion, just an idle thought. I found the mental image of Asmodeus hiding under Twilight's bed while one of the local immortals was telling him to come back so they could castrate him amusing.
Could always put it in as a sideshot, make it Celestia (Trollestia) messing with him about corrupting her student or something. Play a little Yakety Sax.
3880055
My bad, misunderstanding. But that is a good idea for a bonus chapter actually. Thanks for giving me it.
Fun
This is a nice bit of fun, but it does need a considerable amount of work on grammar & punctuation, as well as description & word choice if you want to submit this to the High Quality Mature Fiction group. The last one is probably going to be the hardest because since you've got so many varied positions and acts you'll have a lot of work beefing up the descriptions and keeping it all feeling "fresh". Just a personal bit of advice, but you also might want to use 'cunt' less. It can be effective for spicing up a very intense scene, but like all strong spices it's best used in moderation and only when it won't overpower everything else around it.
cool, this guy is awesome
Really? Fucking really? You write a hard core porno about an incubus, but you can't use fuck?
...This chapter sponsored by the words Mare and cock!
3879997
12 parts later...
your grammar is impeccable.
cough*sarcasm*cough
Only one chapter in and I'm loving this! It's wonderfully sensual, but had the right amount of story. Consider this another fave to this wonderful story!
Best explanation for the Crazy One ever.
When I read the introduction I was like:
31.media.tumblr.com/52cea8464266170c7a52df45b1a94a21/tumblr_inline_mqcbrypjFs1qz4rgp.gif
When the story took the exit to 'Yesville', I was all:
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/oh_yes_david_tennant.gif
You, author, are brilliant.
My Love for this story is like a truck...Berserker!
MUSTACHES 4 ALLmoustache:
THE STORY DESERVES BOUT INFINITE
You have ruffled me like I haven't been ruffled before I require more tissues now.
A fun idea, and the passion to do it is there... but I wish it had been better executed.
Disappointing, really. Good potential squandered on basic grammar mistakes, awkward phrasing, cliches, and wooden plotting.
Great fic! Brava!
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
hhhmmm it wasn't bad, but I can't say if I liked it or not.
5964413 I've seen much worse than this.
I've seen some shit: I've seen a man fuck a tree.