A Night of Rain, Lightning and, of Course Pony Cuddles

An O.C. and Flutters meet and start a budding relationship.
FYI: Gold Rush is an Alicorn because he became Cadence's Student.
Fluttershy lost her wings in an accident with Timberwolves.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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pegasistershorty

pegasistershorty #1 · Jan 31st, 2014 · · ·

I am sorry if it's bad!

Flint Sparks

Flint Sparks #2 · Jan 31st, 2014 · · ·

This was fun to read.

Cromegas_Flare

Cromegas_Flare #3 · Jan 31st, 2014 · · ·

Luna’s moon would’ve hung high in the air had weather patrol not scheduled ANOTHER cold rain.

"had the weather patrol" sounds a more smooth.

She was a creamy yellow with a soft pink mane. He cutie mark was pink butterflies than matched her mane.

Need I point this one out?

When he got to the door a machine Twilight Sparkle herself had made activated and the door opened to reveal a sopping wet Pegasus who was shivering.

Lets see what we can do to make this sentence better.

No thank you to the first alicorn prince of Equestria?

Quotation marks?

Well, that were about the more major parts that stuck out to me.

I enjoyed this story quite a bit, given the unique spin to it. So, have a like.

What I do miss though is the background to the OC. I know he was explained in the header, yet I still crave to know more about his past.

I also felt that the romance between him and Fluttershy was rather quick. Nothing wrong with that, just unusual.

The twist for the Point of view change was rather interesting, though it did make reading rather rough. I'm no expert, but have you ever tried to write in third person? If written in that style, maybe the POV breaks will transition smoother without the announcement. Up to you though, for all I know... you planed to write it out this way.

Have a mustache I have read worst stories, and this came nowhere near the travesty those brought to me. No, I am leaving this story with warm and fuzzies inside me.

Mr. Flare

Thisisalongname

Thisisalongname #4 · Jan 31st, 2014 · · ·

Pro tip, double space between paragraphs and seperate dialogue.

Another pro tip, if you have to infrom us before we even begin the story about what type of pony a character is and a major change to another character by way of traumatic experience, you're doing it wrong.

Introducing an OC is a difficult task, introducing an alicorn even more so. Introducing your alicorn OC who also garners the love of a main character of the show by way of love at first site and not instantly receiving bad reviews is the Everest of writing and should only be attempted by experienced climbers. Doing all that in just 1k words is impossible.

if you truly believe this story needs to be told then tell it, but don't give an unexplained and unemotional scene and expect readers to view it how you do.

Aaronmaster2007