The Only Chapter
A lion paw and an eagle claw slammed onto the simple wooden desk. A long, sinuous body snaked down to bring its head down, eye-to-eye with the poor pegasus behind the desk.
“My name is Discord,” snarled the Draconequus. “I am older than Equestria, older than the Princesses. I am older than the seas. I have seen the void between the stars, I have felt its hunger. I have seen entire species rise up, build civilisations, and fall. Sometimes over the course of a single afternoon. I was already ancient when Equestria's sun first ignited, before the planet itself formed out of the primordial intersteller dust!”
“And, um, how many years would that be?” asked the pegasus.
“All of them.” growled Discord.
“That, um...” The pegasus glanced down at the paper on the desk, then looked up again. “The form needs a number,” he explained, firmly.
Discord growled. “How do you measure years when there isn't a sun or a planet to measure with?” he asked.
“Um...”
Discord sighed. “Put down five billion,” he said, finally. “That's close enough.”
“Okay!” nodded the pegasus. He looked down at the form, then looked up again. “Um. I'm only supposed to put in one digit per block...”
“So?” asked Discord.
“Well, um, there's only three blocks...” said the pegasus, nervously.
“...oh, that's perfect!” yelled Discord. “Just perfect! Why, you'd think that the stupid ponies who designed this stupid form had never ever thought that a Draconequus would ever try to get a set of citizenship documents! I'm half tempted to reach back in time and slap them over the head in the hope that they'd be sensible!”
“You can do that?” asked the pegasus, nervously.
“Of course I can do that!” snapped Discord. “I'm Discord!” He sighed. “It's not as if there's -” He paused suddenly, as a thought struck him.
“Wait a minute,” said Discord, suddenly. “The Princesses. I know for a fact that their age is four digits long. How did they fill in the forms?”
“Um, they – they've been citizens of Equestria for centuries,” said the pegasus. “I don't know how they filled it out, but it must have been a long time ago. They might not have been a thousand yet then, I guess.”
“This is ridiculous!” yelled Discord. “Why are there only three boxes for age! I mean, there's a lot of creatures out there that can grow to more than a thousand years old! What about dragons? How many dragons have ever tried to fill out this form?”
“Um... one,” said the pegasus.
“Ah! And what did he put?”
“Well, he didn't fill it out himself,” said the pegasus, nervously. “I understand he was three days old at the time.”
“Three... days.”
“Yes, see? Easily under three digits.”
“GRRRRRRRARGH!” yelled Discord. “Three digits! How am I supposed to fit my magnificent age into a mere three digits?”
“I have no idea,” admitted the pegasus.
“Three digits,” muttered Discord. “Three digits.” He paced back and forth for a moment, and then said “Ah! Three digits! Right, In the first block, put a one.”
“Right,” said the pegasus, drawing a single stroke with a pen.
“Then a two.”
“Right, one-hundred-twenty...”
“No, no, no. Twelve. Now, in the third block... raise it to the power of nine.”
“Wait, what?”
“Raise it to the power of nine,” said Discord, smugly. “That's 5 159 780 352 years. Close enough.”
The pegasus nodded, and frowned at the form. With great care, he put a nine into the upper half of the third block. “Right,” he said. “That's your name, and your age so far. Of course, I'll need a copy of your birth certificate to go with this.”
Discord screamed in frustration.
* * *
“Parents' names.”
“Parents' names?” asked Discord.
“Parents' names,” said the pegasus, firmly.
“I didn't have parents,” said Discord.
“Ah, so I can mark down 'orphan', then?”
There was a long silence. Then Discord spoke.
“There's a box for that?” he asked.
The pegasus nodded.
“And it doesn't lead to any additional forms or anything like that?” he asked.
The pegasus shook his head. “On the contrary,” he said, “we can skip the entirety of Section 14-B, Parents.”
Discord sank into his seat, sighing with happiness. “Well, that's good news, I guess. Right. So, what's next?”
* * *
Four hours later
“Pegasus, unicorn, earth pony, griffon, dragon, minotaur, zebra or other?” asked the pegasus.
“Other,” snarled Discord. “Draconequus.”
“Um. How do you spell that?”
“D-R-A-C-O-N-E-Q-U-U-S.”
The pegasus started writing, then slowed down and stopped. “Um,” he said.
Discord sighed. “What is it now?” he asked.
“That's eleven letters,” said the pegasus.
“Yes? So?”
“There's... there's only space on here for ten letters.”
“WHAT?”
“Ten letters,” said the pegasus, tapping the form. “Ten little blocks, see?”
Discord's eye twitched
“Maybe I could just leave out one of the letters?” asked the pegasus.
Discord stared at him for a long time, then threw his talon and paw up in the air. “Fine!” he yelled. “Fine! Leave out a letter! See if I care!”
“Since you marked 'other',” continued the pegasus, “you'll need to fill out supplementary species detail forms AZ-17, BR-12, TW-93, DI-37 and KE-53 to KE-92...”
Discord groaned.
* * *
“So,” said Celestia, looking over the document in front of her. “According to this, you're a hundred and twenty-nine years old?”
“That should be twelve-to-the-nine,” explained Discord.
“And you're a Draconequu?”
Discord sighed.
“Which, according to the supplementary forms you've filled in, is an endangered sapient creature which requires two litres of chocolate milk and fifteen cupcakes a day for medical reasons?”
“I get cranky without them,” explained Discord.
“I don't think 'cranky' counts as reason enough for 'medical reasons',” said Celestia.
“Oh yes it does,” insisted Discord. “It's for my mental health.”
“What about your dental health?” asked Celestia.
“No, no, no. Not 'dental'. 'Mental'.”
“I mean,” explained Celestia calmly, “aren't they bad for your teeth?”
“No,” said Discord, firmly.
Celestia raised an eyebrow, but didn't push the point. “I see you're also deathly allergic to spinach and alfalfa?”
“Oh, terribly,” moaned Discord, clutching his stomach. “Why, the very words strike me to the marrow!”
“And you're an orphan.”
“Yes.”
“Alright,” Celestia put down the form. “Which leaves me with only one question...”
“And what would that be?” asked Discord.
“If you wanted citizenship papers,” said Celestia, “why didn't you just come to me directly?”
“...what?”
“The forms really aren't intended to be used by the more... unusual citizenship applicants,” explained Celestia. “They're intended to be used by people of species we've had as citizens before. If you'd come straight to me, I could have had your papers sorted out within five minutes.”
There was a long moment of silence, and then Discord screamed.
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Technically, neither Celestia nor Luna would have filled out the citizenship papers. The royalty of a nation cannot also be citizens of that same nation.
3865249
).)....
I do not want to start a flame war but what? Looking into it at least shallowly I see that royalty can be a citizen. None of the definitions I have found forbids them in English so far to do so and while in practice they can be above the law in comparison/historically-in-practice to an average citizen they are not necessarily immune to it either. Either literally, legally or in practice (The French and Russian Revolutions (Although in both I will concede that legality during times of beheading may be a moot point; but the winner writes history (shudder
As for legally even the British Monarchy officially puts her as a citizen and reading the "news" I see in Britain, at least about the royalty there that, even she is held to account for how much she heats the palace? Ref: Website of the British Monarchy.
(Sorry, I know it is a straight forward website but the name tickles my fancy.)
Honestly even as an American I see that is a little silly but I think it illustrates my point that I am not sure there is a technicality here as the practice is not uniform. Heck even Nixon is famous for saying he is "above" the law (Like a nobleman or royal personage of some sort.) which seems incorrect to me as he is a citizen.
In any case what do you mean? Or am I just over thinking this?
Oh yes. Otherwise this is seriously funny!
I read an HIE fic that had a human go through the same troubles but he started to lie and register himself as a Draconequus instead since that was on the form due to his DMV level of frustrations.
Ah, bureaucratic humor. Technically the best humor there is!
LooooOOOOOoooovveeee it!
3865397
At least according to the reference and guidelines of bureaucratic order #1378920386y43af-19^34. Don't even get me started on bureaucratic order #1378920386y43ab0-19^34.... Hilarious!
3865335 It's just a definition thing, a citizen, or a citizenry denotes the link between say, Donut Joe and the State (The Diarchy... Quadarchy?). In the case of say, royalty, there can be no such link because Celestia (and other royals) is the State.
In cases where the State is a Republic (ie: By the People, For The People, The State Being the People) the Prime Minister, President, Generalissimo what have you can in fact be a Citizen. As by virtue of being a public servant, he serves The People, whom is The State, Q.E.D.
Don't think too hard about it, I certainly didn't.
3866024
While I will not think too much about it I still do not understand how they are not a citizen. Is there no law then that any royalty cannot cross?
3866089 Not until the Magna Carta is signed. Which prevents most of the abusive practises commonly associated to people above the law.
Prior to that, the usual setups of the so-called Feudal Contract was that the King and his Warriors protected the Peasantry who would support the King, and by extension, his warriors.
This sometimes hiccups even in our modern day and age where nations with constitutional monarchies run into quirky but rarely enforced laws... Or in this case, the complete lack of law. By English law, the King/Queen owns all the lands in Britain, while I do not pretend to understand the hows or whys, it effectively meant that if you managed to sneak past the Guards at the Royal Palace, say, through the window into the Queen's chamber, you were not committing any trespassing or even breaking and entering. Which has occurred twice to date. They managed to press charges and legally escort the man out of the building after he was caught helping himself to some of the Queen's wine collection.
3865335
3866371
It is rather simple actually. In a monarchy (or a diarchy in this specific case) citizen of the nation becomes equivalent to subject of the regent. And no one can be the subject of themself (by definition) and therefor they cannot be a citizen of the nation they rule.
Also Great Britain (and the rest of the commonwealth) is what is called a constitutional monarchy, which means that we have a constitution on which the law is based and the monarch is merely a figurehead.
The system that Equestria would use, is called absolute monarchy (well, diarchy) in which the regent(s) are not only above the law but are the law.
3866024
Q.E.D? Do I sense a mathematician?
3867032 Nope, advanced maths gives me hives. It just seemed like a nice book-end to a logical loop.
And then his scream tore a hole through reality and into the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, much to the confusion of the Saiyans.
3865249
You know, I really hadn't thought about that.
I guess it depends on exactly how the royalty in Equestria works - if the Princess is considered the personification of the State, then she can't be a citizen; whereas if the Princess is considered merely a high-ranking civil servant, and a seperate entity to the State, then she can be a citizen.
For the purposes of not going back and editing my story, I'm going to assume the second.
3865342
Ooooh, yes, I've read that one. I believe he listed his profession as hydra milking in Froggy Bottom Bog...
3865397
3865556
Glad you liked it!
3865561
3867280
If anyone's scream could do that, it would be Discord's. (What's the hyperbolic time chamber?)
3867799
And alternate dimension used for training in DragonballZ where time travels differently. In one of the episodes the exit collapses and one of the characters screams so loudly that they accidentally make a hole to escape.
3867813
Ah, thanks.
I made an account so I could like this video. Keep it up.
I still find it brilliant how he found a way to express his age in a completely unexpected manner. That's so Discord.
3877506
Wait... video?
3880527
Yeah, that was fun.
Fantastic! I love it! Love everything about it! denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5194-discord_approves_colored_by_ditzydoolover__by_bluefire513-d4tbhmg.jpg
3881719
Eheheh, okay, that's good.
The only real problem I see here is the punctuation you used in your dialogue. You used a period where sometimes a comma was necessary instead. Like, you got the capitalization right; when the thing right after the dialogue would NOT be capitalized (unless it was a name), use a comma instead of a period.
For example, this is what you did:
"I don't have any parents." said Discord.
It SHOULD be:
"I don't have any parents," said Discord.
See the comma there? It's important.
3887648
Huh. That does seem to be something I do a lot.
I'll go hunt them down in the story a bit later...
3889177
Okay, I think I got them all.
Next week, Discord files his taxes!
Celestia: Um... You've got no income. You do know that filing isn't mandatory for citizens below a certain income?
4257487
But I'm sure he'll apply for a rebate, just because. Especially if it doesn't make sense.
Ha! Thanks for sending me this way, CCC.
Fave and a thumb coming right up!
I might have to look at a bit more of your work now...
4689444
Don't think too hard, Discord.
Pfft, oh, wow!
4862361
If you put a kettle on his head before he thinks too hard, you can make a cup of tea!
4970184
*Laughs uncontrollably*
A good way to make something completely mundane hilarious.
This kind of makes me want to write a short fic of Chrysalis trying to fill them out in a universe were she turned good.
Pony, "Okay, children?
Chrysalis, "367."
Pony, "There's only two spaces..."
Chrysalis, "...What?"
Pony, "Most p-ponies don't have triple digit children!"
Entropy, "Son, how could you not think of me? I'm older than the universe!"
5360673
"And then there's three hundred and sixty-seven copies of the Dependant form to fill out - nothing much, just name, age, and education details... um, one per child... we don't actually keep that many copies of the form in the office..."
Go on, write it.
Oh Discord. You're so silly.
Pahahahaha!
4970608 THIS... THIS... THIS IS THE BEST THING POSSIBLE!!!
5500985
Bureaucracy always prevails. Sure, Discord could turn every form into little white rabbits, but then he won't be a citizen...
5501248
5503224
What, Discord tea?
5503804 The fic in general.
5503807
Ah, thank you for the clarification.
And the compliment.
(And, wow, you're quick to reply...)
5503821 I bet Discord has a paper for homeopathic therapy back home.
It says this
"Homeopathic Therapy
Step 1:Bang your head on this spot ((there is a circle around step 1))
Step 2:Repeat until problems gone
Step 3:Profit!
Just for nitpicking's sake, it is 'DraConequus', not 'DraGonequus'.
Other than that, nice little story, made me smile
I never thought id feel sorry for discord. This story is hilarious.
5503825
Someone who can snap their talons and turn anyone into marshmallows has different problem solving strategies...
5504843
Do you have any sort of official source for that spelling? Seriously, I had to try to guess from the way it was pronounced in the episode; I'd love to have some sort of official spelling to rely on.
5506113
Thank you!
5507877 its mostly stress relief. Replace problems with stress.
5507877 Closest to an official source I could find, supposedly comes from Lauren Faust herself.
http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/File:Lauren_Faust_Discord_spelling_draconequus.png
Pretty sure 'Draconequus' is considered canon by the fanbase at large, though; it's the spelling used in transcripts on the wiki, etc.
5508764 It's also derived from the Latin words "draco" (dragon) and "equus" (horse). So, yes, draconequus would be correct.