Haha yes first comment, wo hoo

Everything is looking good so far. Keep it up..

"I just so happen to to have one of each of them in stock

i.imgflip.com/1quxn.jpg

"Hey Buddy."

"Buddy" shouldn't be capitalized.

'I only noticed it now, but she is kinda cute, though she is a daredevil. Maybe I should spend more time with her.'

Completely ignoring natural emotional development in favor of forcing your preferred pairing both awkwardly and in a glaringly obvious way.

A few hours later, as Princess Luna was walking down an alleyway in Canterlot, she heard a blood curdling scream and ran quickly towards the source.

This sentence is needlessly complicated, overly wordy, and makes no narrative sense.

"Is everything alright, Luna?" Celestia asked worriedly as she walked up to the couch.

Because it is both completely normal and accepted to watch your little sister sleep.

"Princess." He said as he bowed. "King Sombra, Lord of shadows, is looking for you two."

And they know this how...?

he and a whole group of residents shouted "Surprise!" just as he opened the door

Why would Spike shout "surprise"?

holding a present that looked like here glasses

Pray tell, what are "here glasses"?

"Thank you! I'll definitely wear this when I want to look cool!"

And have the exact opposite result.

"I love animals, but I think you'll have a much better time raising a phoenix than me."

And the reasoning behind that is...?

I don't know about any of you, but I think I'm going to go fall on my bed and fall asleep after so much excitement today." They all laughed

That was in no way funny or entertaining.

Edits done by beiriangu.

Clearly he is not doing his job as he should be.