Chapter4: Rarity's. Nightmare
Rarity thought * oh i shouldnt have said that to poor fluttershy , but she did deserve it necause she ssid that she would come butt no she had to come tell me no and ruin it all up !* ( end of thoughts). fing the doors bell went but rarity saw no pony in sight then she stated to hear hoof cloppings coming closer and closed... Rarity turned around and saw fluttershys manic face. Rarity said " are you here to apologize !" . " No im here for something called revenge" said fluttershy.
"wh-what are you going to do to me ---- ?!" said a frightened rarity .
" oh i dunno maybe make a dress!, wanna help me with it !" said a phycho fluttershy
"no i refuse !!! You brute !!" said rarity
"Fine you wanna do this the hard way then the hard way it is ! Muahhhhaha!!!!" yelled fluttershy.
Fluttershy got some sewing materials and peirced them into rarity's marshmallow coat skinn. The blood started dripping down Rarities legs then shy got out an peeler and started to peel of rarity's skin abd her raw muscle apeared and rarity started to cry in pain and then fluttershy cut rarity's main off and made it into a wig " AHHHHHHH stop make it stop ill do any thing to make it stop please make it stop !!!!!!!!!!!!" said a scared rarity in pain. "Oh no the fun has just begun ", said fluttershy. Then shy took rarity's cutie mark with a knife . " And if you say some thing about me doing this to you it will go even worse or ill kill you and pop your eyes out , You GOT it!!!!!!" said a crazed fluttershy. " ye-yes flu-fluttersh-shy " said a terrified rarity watching in horror as her cutie mark lay on the ground. " good pony , now apologize for all the bad stuff you said to me you faggot !!" said fluttershy . "okay im soo-sorry flutter-shy" said rarity sobbiing on the floor endlessly . "Okay by rarity see you later and oh i almost forgot i forgive you now bye!" she said in a cheery face as if nothing happened.
Hope you guys comment and give feed back
Ok first, these chapters are way to short.
...Feedback. Well, you asked for it.
I`m not going to mince words. This... is inexcusable. Atrocious, blundering foray into induced aneurysm.
I`d like to say something positive, but there`s nothing I could find about the story that would redeem it in any way. Mechanical execution - awful. Plot - stupor-inducing. Characterization - downright butchered.
In short... This sucks.
Failed trollfic. When you're going to pretend to write like an 8 year-old, keep your shit consistent, or at least find out how actual kids write.
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I can tell just from the description that this Fic is awful.
Go away.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
I love how you said at the end of each chapter (well almost) to give ideas and you won't be able to post more until later when you posted four on the same day so obviously they were written at once. I think either you're a troll or you are really a five year old. Well actually you can't be five because even a five year old wouldn't post four chapters all at once with all of the tags on it.
I'm done here.
Anypony got brain bleach?
I wish the gore scene had been better.... or good at all...
I will use this story as a vacuum because of how much it sucks and a leaf blower since it blows. Thanks for the new cleaing supplies! Have a down vote.
342662 Thats a funny way to say wiped off the face of the earth
That was friggin' awful . Learn to write before you press that "New Story" button.
Good day
keep practicing, you'll get it eventually (maybe). just don't post until you are sure that your story is in good format. that is all.
Um, I have to agree with, Charavath, and say that the gore scene was too short. There wasn't enough detail. Rarity should have made some attempt to defend herself. Even if she's terrified, self-preservation forces those in life and death situations to fight back, or claw their way out.
On a side note, it's spelled, 'mane' not 'main'.