It was a nice sunny day, with clear skies thanks to the pegasi. Everything was quiet until the school bells rang, and all of the foals came running out, with Miss Cheerilee yelling out "Don't forget to get your permission slips signed!" Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walked towards Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, with mischievous grins on their faces.
"So girls, what are we gonna do today to get our cutie marks?" Apple Bloom asked enthusiastically.
"Still trying to get your cutie marks? You should just give up already, you're never going to get them." Silver Spoon says.
"Wait, I know how you can get your cutie marks! Pour tar on yourselves, and dump chicken feathers on yourselves." Diamond Tiara says in a sarcastic voice as Silver Spoon starts to giggle.
"Ha ha very funny Diamond Tiara." Scootaloo retorts.
"Yeah, and how are we supposed to get chicken feathers anyway?" Sweetie Belle added.
"Well that's easy, you already have a chicken, just pluck her feathers." Diamond Tiara says while pointing and laughing at Scootaloo, with Silver Spoon laughing next to her.
"You better take that back before I make you!" Scootaloo backs up to charge at Diamond Tiara, but before she could actually ram into her, Apple Bloom jumps in front of her and holds her back.
"Calm down Scoot, let's not start ah fight." Sweetie Belle grabs Scootaloo's tail in her mouth and starts to drag her away.
"C'mon Apple Bloom, let's bring her back to the clubhouse." Sweetie Belle says in a muffled but understandable voice.
"Argh, let me go!" Scootaloo tries to squirm out, but with Apple Bloom pushing her back and Sweetie Belle literally on her tail, she can only walk backwards.
"See you later-" Diamond Tiara starts. "BLANK FLANKS!" both Diamond and Silver finish. They start walking to the spa for their daily treatments.
As they walk through the doors, Aloe and Lotus greet them. "Hi girls, welcome back! Here are your towels." They give Diamond and Silver their towels, which were made specifically for them and only them to use. Diamond Tiara's was dyed pink with her cutie mark sewn to the bottom right corner, and Silver Spoon's was dyed gray with her cutie mark sewn to the bottom right corner. They set down their bags and followed Aloe and Lotus to the spa pool. When they settled into the pool, Aloe and Lotus got to work. The spa twins poured in a skin-and-fur softener soap into the pool and set the jet timer for ten minutes. Before the spa twins left, they set down two pairs of cucumbers. Diamond Tiara took a pair and set one on each eye.
"Ahh... this is the life, relaxing at the spa after school." Silver Spoon stayed quiet. A couple seconds passed before Diamond Tiara lifted the cucumber that was laying on her right eye. She saw Silver Spoon staring blankly at the water. She seemed to have something on her mind. "Silver Spoon?" She didn't respond. "Hellooooo, Silver Spoon? You there?" Diamond Tiara waved her hoof in front of Silver Spoon's face. Silver Spoon snapped out of it.
"Huh? What is it Diamond?"
"You seem distracted today, is there something wrong?"
"No, I'm just a little tired, and I guess I zoned out."
"Tired? From what?"
"Umm... stuff." Silver Spoon picked up the cucumbers and set them on her eyes.
We didn't do anything tiring today. I'll ask her later. Diamond Tiara put her cucumber back on her eye and put that thought away.
They were silent from then on. The sudden ringing from the timer startled Diamond Tiara. They both got out of the pool and dried each other off. Once they were dry, they dropped their towels off by the Wet Towels bin and headed to the massage tables, where Aloe and Lotus were waiting. Once they got comfortable, the spa twins continued their session. They started with a slow, relaxing back rub. Being so young, it hurt the little fillies, but it felt good after the small pains. A few minutes passed and the timer went off. "Alright fillies, your session's over. See you next time!" Aloe and Lotus walked away to another room. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon got up and stretched before picking up their bags and left the spa.
"Silver Spoon tell me, what's really on your mind?" Diamond Tiara asked once the spa doors closed.
"What, you mean when we were in the pool? I just zoned out, it's nothing, really." Diamond Tiara gave a blank stare. Silver Spoon sighed. "You're gonna keep bothering me if I don't answer huh?"
"You know me."
"Alright fine." Silver Spoon waited for a second and took a deep breath. "Diamond Tiara, I've been thinking about this for awhile now, but maybe we can stop bullying other ponies?"
Diamond Tiara blinked. "Ppfff hahahahahahaha! Very funny Sil, now what's really going on in that head of yours." She wiped a tear from her eye.
"Diamond Tiara I'm being serious. I don't like making other ponies feel bad." Silver Spoon said with a serious tone.
Diamond Tiara nervously chuckled. "Come on Silver Spoon, you don't really mean that."
"Yes I do Diamond! It puts so much guilt on my shoulders that I might've ruined somepony's day." Silver Spoons started to raise her voice.
"If you don't enjoy making fun of somepony then why do you do it?"
"Only because you are my friend Diamond Tiara. You always said "They'll be fine, nopony's feelings every get hurt." but they do Diamond Tiara!"
"So you're saying that we shouldn't be friends anymore."
"If that's what it'll take for me to not be a bully anymore, then that's it."
"Hmph, fine. I don't need you, I can be a bully without your help anyway."
"Then it's settled, our friendship is over." Silver Spoon started to leave.
"Good, I won't want someone to drag me down all of the time." Diamond Tiara started to leave. She occasionally looked back to see if Silver Spoon was still in her sight. Once she wasn't Diamond Tiara let her head and ears droop. Great, I just lost my only friend.
Ooooh, continue!
For your first story, it seems pretty good. The main thing I could say about the writing is to try to keep a consistent tense. I believe, in the very beginning, you were using past tense:
Then, you switched to present tense:
And afterwards, you reverted back to past tense:
Overall, still a nice job. I look forward to the next chapter.
4108281 I already have chapter 2's rough draft done, so expect chapter 2 to be released sometime this week!
4108324 I never noticed that, I'll be sure to correct it.
Anyone know what kind of tags I need to put in? I'm not really sure
4108713 No prob. Happy to help.
As for tags, I would say maybe Slice of Life. Here's what the FAQ says:
I'm not too good with tags, myself.
4108728 Ah, thanks. I was concidering putting Slice of Life but I wasn't sure what it ment at first. Maybe if I stop being lazy I would've.
Looks like that both will walk the path of redemption
Well....*scratches back of head* not bad. Cant wait for the next chapter.
As has been mentioned, you need to fix that problem with your verb tenses. Also, putting "Sigh..." in dialogue instead of using it in narrative is wrong.
Just as a word of caution: there are a lot of Silver Spoon redemption stories out there, so you're going to have to step up your game if you want this to stand out.
If you don't have one already, I would suggest getting a proofreader and/or editor. Otherwise, great job on a first.
4108992 I figured there would be. I'm just hoping mine will be different from the others.
4109022 I'm still looking for an editor. But for now I'm just going to have to read slower and hopefully catch all of my mistakes.
I can't really get invested in this because of how quick the fight between Diamond and Silver was, and I really didn't feel any build up to it.
4111349 Well to be fair they are only fillies, and kid fights generally end up like that. At least what from I know.
When I read other stories I'm like...
When I read stories like yours, I remember...
Awesome Story! Keep going. If you ever need an editor, I'm free to be that said editor...
4111769 Awesome! I'll be sure to send you Chapter 2 for editing once it's done!
4111865 Be sure to share through my google drive...
4108992
What are some best 'Redemption' stories in your opinion?
Chapter 2 is being edited! Hopefully I can post it by Monday!
Okay, you said that you wanted a lot of constructive criticism, so I'll give you some.
1. There was almost zero buildup to the Diamond/ Silver fight. If you wanted it to be meaningful, then you should have had SS act unsure or insecure when they were bullying the CMC.
2.Kid's fights are not that simple. From my deductions, the CMC and co. are around 10-11 years old, and from what I remember, the sort of fight you depicted needs some depth.
Besides that, it's a very nice story and I would like to hear more. Keep it up!