51
1,460
My name is Waren Pledgeworth. I am an ordinary pony who sells books, and I guess it’s safe to say I hate steam engines. At least, I was all that until a peculiar mare fell on my roof. Now strange events are piling up one after another. Warring deities? Fanatic terrorists? Sultry Griffins? Maybe I should have just stayed in bed after all…
Featured on EqD: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/04/story-writing-history.html
I agree with Sorren. I usually try to avoid first-person narratives due to their tendency to be erratic in structure. However, you have not only written this story well, but managed to fulfill all the criteria of a starting chapter. You introduced a cast of like-able and interesting characters and gave them a reason for continuing the story (even if that reason was boredom. A unique reason, but a reason nonetheless). I look forward to reading the next chapter. Keep up the good work.
The single quotation marks might be hurting your viewership of this story, as it's very hard to pick out what characters are saying unless you're really paying attention to the text. Other than that this is a great start to a fic that promises a good deal of adventure. I'll be watching and recommending this.
Waren is . . . an interesting character. On the one hand he's a classical stick in mud constantly waving his hoof in anger at "the young folk," even when it's completely unnecessary. (Seriously, steam being a pollutant? By definition it's just water vapor, and last I checked that was still kosher.) On the other hand though he's clearly a xenophile who is attracted to other species more than ponies, and he does help people out when they need it even if he's reluctant about it.
I do have to ask about Haughbury though. From everything shown in this fic he seems to have raised the quality of life for everyone in Equestria, jump-started the economy of the nation, and his inventions have opened up new avenues of experience previously unavailable to the population of Equestria. (Seriously, I bet Stratos would kill for a pair of those artificial wings.) Yet from the title picture and Waren's (a.k.a. the protagonist's) comments it seems obvious that Haughbury will turn out to be another dime a dozen corporate villain that will want to take over the world because he's greedy, and for a story with so much potential that seems like an absolute waste.
Comments aside, this was a good chapter that continues to set up the adventure that is to come.
Ha ha! Thank you for taking your time to analyse Waren so thoroughly :P The way you describe him is exactly what I had in mind for him, so I'm glad that came across. I was kind of worried his hatred for steam engines would be too much, and it wouldn't be apparent he was biased towards them due to... well, just being a general stick in the mud. xD
As for Haughbury, I don't want to spoil too much, so I'll just say if those are your worries, you have nothing to worry about.
I hope I will see you for the rest of the story, it's good to know people are actually reading and enjoying it. :)
The fact that he was complaining about steam being a pollutant kind of gave away that he was being unreasonably biased. Though, all the same, you should probably stick a disclaimer at the beginning of the first chapter that Waren is an unreliable narrator. Many authors tend to use their works to advance their own opinions, so it would be wise to make it clear early on that your own opinions are not reflected in Waren's narration.
Ah, that's good. Far too many industrialists in fiction are evil when they really have no need to be. Granted, I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to not be such a nice guy even if his stated actions have been decidedly positive, but as Shere Kahn of TaleSpin proved, you don't have to be a nice guy to be a good guy.
Don't worry. I'll stick it out as long as I am able, and I'll keep rec'ing this story on Spacebattles too. 
Aha, yes! I am still very much alive. I'm sorry chapter three took as long as it did to get out there. But both myself and my editor found ourselves swamped in school work. But I am happy to announce chapter 4 and 5 are in the editing pipeline already, and chapter 6 is being written as we speak.
I will do my best to avoid long pauses between chapters like in the future, and hope you will stay with me to the end. :) Now, enjoy your new chapter!
Great chapter. I was kind of caught off guard by the introduction, but everything afterwards was fantastic. I especially loved the shoutout to the Fallout Equestria fanfic. That, combined with your take on the griffin species, made me wonder what role the griffin empire would have in your story. I look forward to reading more in the future.
I really could have done without the Fallout: Equestria references. It's extremely jarring in a fic that is otherwise extremely unique to have one of the major global players a shout-out. The chapter could be reworked to remove the references, and I think that the whole story would stand on its own much better as a result.
That said, I really do have to enjoy everything else about said global player. I went into this thinking that the griffins were going to be the villains, and that Dorothea would be the femme fatale to Waren's noire detective. That could still be the case, but at the moment it looks like the griffins will be the good guys, and I really like that. It's a nice change of pace from the "griffins, and humans, and dragons, and dogs, and [insert non-pony species here]" motif I see in a lot of other fics. Granted, I don't expect them to be angels (as I said in my review of The Humanification Bureau having the Pacifist Sue shoe on the other foot hardly brings any satisfaction), but is nice to see them being portrayed as on the right side for once -- at least, that's what I'm deducing from the their stated goal of containing dangerous magical artifacts and their insistence on acting on some important task.
I like this chapter, and I hope to see more chapters in this story.
Thank you for the comment, and sorry for the late response. I've been a little busy >_< I'm glad you like the griffins. Or at least, how I envisioned them as a race.
Hmm.. It's a troubling point, really. Fallout:Equestria hammered into my mind that the griffins have an authoritative figure to which they refer as 'Gawd'. And in my mind it makes sense for them to consider their leader 'transcended' in a way. I didn't force it in there to give a shoutout to an (amazing) story, but also because it feels right (in my mind). If it bothers you, I'm sorry.
And as to the role of the griffins... that will become clear in the future. Mhuahaha!
EDIT: What I mean, I didn't force it in at all xD It just feels natural to me, and I hope that over the course of the story, I will convince you as well :P
Something like "sovrano" (Italian: adj. sovereign; self-governing; paramount, supreme / nm. sovereign, monarch, ruler, king) or "Papst" (German: the Pope) would be a better title honestly, as it maintains the European naming style seen in the canon griffins and avoids an irritating shout-out that's subject to far too many bad puns.
The gryphon plot is rather well crafted here. Dorothea alone has depth to her character. Especially seeing the cute moment at the end with Waren acts as a nice twist to her intimidating side which I'm curious to see developing when you continue the story. It's also fascinating to have a story crafted from a character's point of view, it leaves space for interpretation.
This earned it's place in my favorites list. Keep up the good work.
>Griffin plot
That made me chuckle. D: I have a dirty mind.
Thank you all for the words of encouragement! I know I said the next chapter would be out sooner, but things got out of hoof, as it were. An entire chapter got scrapped, the upcoming chapters are nearly double in length of my earlier ones, and my editor is currently very busy. But there is also good news! I have a very good idea of where I want the story to go and once things sort themselves out the time between chapters should go down.
I'm hoping that eventually I can release them bi-weekly, but to make up for the long wait I'll get my currently lined up chapters out as soon as I made the finishing touches. Also, if anypony is interested, I can look into releasing the story in an e-book format as well.
Yet more build-up, wheels within wheels, more backstory revealed, we finally get to meet the canon characters, and our heroes still forget their supplies. Typical. These blokes are just magnets for trouble, aren't they? 
Still, leaving aside the fact that this adventure is quickly turning into a Top Gear roadtrip, this chapter does bring up an interesting possibility: that our heroes are going to become part of the new Elements of Harmony. Waren would be Magic since he seems to be the nexus point for all of these friendships, Stratos would be Laughter because she's . . . herself, and Werk would be . . . Werk would be . . . I haven't the foggiest. 
Still, thanks for making my Friday heavy on the great updates. I knew Antropology and All-American Girl would be updating yesterday, but this story came completely out of left field and made things all complete. It was a good update too. 
I was kind of worried how that would be received, actually. One of my friends thinks I'm a cruel heartless person for writing this xD
You're closer than you think Though you'll never figure out what I mean by that, mhuahahaha!
I'm glad I was able to make someone's day complete :) I saw a comment on the story update post on EQD saying someone was waiting for my story to update. It's really little things like that that motivate me to write more and better. And they do seem to have an affinity for getting in trouble 
Thank you! That means a lot to me :) I hope I can keep giving you that feeling throughout the story
Poor Waren, he has so much on his mind, he can't possibly hope to remember the apples! I can pretend to be mysterious about the next chapter, but really, if there is an apple related emergency in Ponyville, where else would they go? :)
>>625599 I can second that, there is already lots of unessential padding found in here that adds very little to storytelling. Stay focused on ensnaring us to the journey of the characters. Make them likable in their own specific ways. That makes a difference with the good stuff and bad stuff.
I would first like to say that it means a lot to me people actually care enough to be worried about my story. Don't worry, I have no intention of leaving this story unfinished. It's just that the last few weeks have been rather hectic. But now my summer break has arrived, and I have every intention of filling it to the brim with pony goodness.
The next chapter shouldn't be much longer, and after that I will make a blog post with the state of the story and how I'm going to handle things, because there will be some changes.
I hope you will stay with me until the end of the story, even I don't deserve it.
Thanks for answer.
I'm glad to hear that all is ok.
In my taste - story is good as long as it has live and developing characters and global conspiracy plot do not overwhelm story itself and characters relations (you know when there are 100500 points of view, 100500 flat background characters and none main character at all because author constantly switch between points of view not giving any character enough attention).
Yours story is definitely good I think :)
So I wish you good mood in writing and stop talking about not deserving reader's attention :)
99% stories at fanficion sites are crap including fimfiction, 'writing history' belongs to that small 1% and I think you are 120% able to keep it there.
"Stratos is amazing..."
I say this at least once every chapter. Why is she so amazing?
This update was definitely worth the wait. Except now I really wanna know what Mstiri's (who will forever be typed at Tiri because it's easier) gonna say. And I have to wait D: I hate waiting P:
No, Warren! Resist the temptation of a love triangle! Dorothea already likes you, you really don't need to go chasing after another woman. In fact, the last thing you need is to go chasing after another woman. After all, hell hath no fury like a princess-militant scorned.
Not much else to say here except that I enjoyed this chapter like every other, and I wonder whether or not that dream is foreshadowing -- either future events, or Waren falling out of his tree/ 
Thank you! Once I got it right, it was surprisingly easy to write, so its good to see it works 
Patience, young grasshopper. And every time you compliment my character I have to blush and grin like an idiot. "Oh stop it, you flatterer you." 
As for Mstiri's intentions.... yeah you'll have to wait :3 I have already found writing is a lot easier when I'm not worrying about having the chapter out ASAP and just focussing on making the story as good as I can.
Haha, still nowhere near the amount of characters in something like Game of Thrones :P (over 200! Le gasp!)
Why a love triangle when you can have a love dodecahedron?! Mhuahahaha I find it interesting that you are the first person to mention the dreams. And that is all I shall say about the subject. See you next chapter everypony!
Dear lord, only two chapters in and I'm already dreading this ending. The characters are wonderful and easily relatable, the writing is fantastic, with very few errors (I'm willing to help with this if needed) and the narrative thus far is amazing. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this sir. Keep it up.
Ah’m Stratos, and I’m beautiful!
Every time she does that I feel like she's an AI parroting what it's heard in an attempt to have something relevant to say.
Also, I object to her being able to sort Waren's store in under a minute. Levitate all the books? Sure, I can accept that, with how strong her telekinesis has been shown to be, though it's not a guaranteed implication since there's inherent difficulty to levitating multiple object beyond the effort required for their combined weight. But rapidly sorting a store full of books all at the same time requires an incredible amount of focus, and I'd question whether Stratos can even manage an average amount. Even Twilight, you may recall, sorts books one at a time.
Basically, Stratos seems to be unreasonably popular with practically everypony as soon as she meets them, and is unreasonably good at magic. She's hardly the worst OC ever written, but I'm seeing a bit of a Mary Sue in her.
I was wondering if anypony was ever going to remember the apples . . .
And Sweetie, calm down. Kaneigh only made a fool of himself. Trust me on this, I'm from the future.
Also, I was kind of hoping you'd throw in a twist and Twilight would not be Haughbury's dead wife.
Maybe Stratos is Tia taking a very long and incognito vacation . . .
You know what? That's not a joke anymore. That's a theory. Stratos is Tia in disguise. I'm not sure yet whether she finds a way to slip back to the castle and do some ruling each day without disrupting the steady stream of customers, or if she's somehow kept the news that there's only been one princess for the past two months under wraps. I'm not sure why she doesn't disguise how powerful her magic is, or her suspicious (for a unicorn) ability to manipulate weather. I don't know why she chose to be so manic. But Stratos is too perfect to be anypony else.
We lost more to those woods than you think, so all Ah can say is be careful.
Are you saying you lost 'Shy to the woods? She's the one who's so conspicuously missing, after all.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2
2
37
Joined March 2012
1,460 ( 4,377 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
poor twilight and poor everybody
Cancel
Send