Part One, Chapter One: Don't Apologize
"P-p-puh-please, your highness! I b-b-beg your forgiveness!"
What did I do to deserve this?
"Please! I have a wife and kids d-d-don't execute me... if you m-m-must p-p-punish me then at least g-g-grant me the mercy of exile! Please..."
I have not exiled one of my subjects in over seven hundred years. I don't think I've ever executed even a single pony... why must they always fear me so?
Genoa Cake grovelled miserably before me, little rivulets of tears and snot dribbling down his face as he clung to my leg. He was one of the new culinary staff, a baker by trade. As I recall, Genoa was hired to temporarily replace Chocolate Éclair, a more veteran chef who had had to take a sabbatical. The earth pony did not appear to be having a very good first day in the castle. Behind him was one of the centrepiece tower cakes for this evening's event lying ruined on the floor.
I forced the warmest smile I could manage, "The day I punish one of my subjects for unintentionally knocking over a single cake is the day I eat my own crown," the weeping earth pony blinked up at me with watery eyes. I sighed inwardly, "I'm not going to punish you in any way, shape or form. Please call Petit Four, the head chef for the second floor bakeries, and tell him we will need a replacement cake for this evening... and clean up this mess. All is forgiven, my little pony."
Genoa's face was awash with masochistic relief. He scrambled to his hooves and took off at a canter. Petit Four was a stern chef. The apprentice baker had more reason to fear him than me.
"Try not to knock anything else over," I called after him as he made his way to the stairwell, "And try not to call me all the way down there next time you do," I said quietly to myself.
Why must it always be like this? Do they enjoy doing it? Is it some kind of new Equestrian past time? Why is it that every time a guard loses his spear, a gardener trims the wrong plant or somepony accidentally bumps Philomena's cage I have to endure ten minutes of weeping, grovelling and begging? I don't enjoy seeing them debase themselves in front of me. I don't want them to sacrifice their dignity for my benefit. I take no pleasure in it at all. Do they? Surely not. So why must they act like this? Am I too strict? Too lenient? What do I have to say or do to get them to stop being so impossibly apologetic all the time.
"Apologies, your majesty," Flash Sentry nervously approached, picking his way around the corpse of the tower cake.
"Whatever is the matter?" I asked
"The delegates from Stalliongrad have arrived," he said, making a clean and practiced salute.
I felt a stab of irritation, "How is that something you have to apologize for?"
Flash stared blankly back at me, caught entirely off guard, no pun intended, "I'm sorry, your majesty?"
His response did little to quell my rising temper, "What are you sorry for?" I snapped.
Flash stammered desperately, "Uh... please... if I've offended your majesty then I offer my most humble apologies... I'm not sure how I-"
"Stop apologizing!" I feel my wings flare in anger. The air hisses and sizzles around us with the sudden spike in my magical output.
"I'm s-s-sorry..." Flash shuddered in terror, realizing his mistake immediately and shutting his mouth. I forced myself to take a deep breath and calm down. Sometimes I forget how intimidating I can be.
There was a time once when all I wanted was for them to fear me. When I stalked battlefields raining fire and fury down on my cringing adversaries. But that was a different time. This was not wartime. This was a golden era of peace that I had crafted with my own hooves. It had been half a millennia since anypony had seen me engage in combat. So why do they still tremble before me? Has my frightening power been so engrained in their consciousnesses that even their children cower before me? Do they still whisper stories of those darker times behind my back?
I glared down at the now whimpering Flash. I've never done anything to hurt you nor have you witnessed me harming so much as a fly in all the years you've been in my service. Why must there be this unbreakable wall of apologies and formalities between us? Why can we not just be... friends?
At least that is what I wanted to say to him. I can be a coward too, sometimes.
Instead I said, "In truth it is I who should be sorry, my dear subject. I... I have had a terrible migraine and I let it affect my temperament. Please have Raven escort the delegates to the main hall. I will meet with them anon."
Flash Sentry looked like he was on the verge of apologizing again but thankfully he thought better of it, "Yes, your majesty," he said and with a flap of his wings he was gone.
Gone to tell the others I'm in a foul mood no doubt. All the more reason to fear the great and terrifying Celestia. I need a few minutes alone before I can face them.
I stepped elegantly over the cake that Genoa had destroyed and made my way to my private quarters. Perhaps a few minutes of pressing my face against the cool stone wall of my bedroom would help me gather my resolve. And calm my agitation.
As I made my way up the stairwell I could hear the voices of the guards at my chamber door as they echoed down the stairwell to greet me as I ascended.
"Not bad, not bad! But try this one on for size: A donkey, a unicorn and Celestia walk into a bar. The donkey says to the unicorn "Do you know why donkeys don't get Cutie Marks?" and the unicorn says "No, why?" so the Donkey turns to Celestia and says..."
The guard trailed off as he saw me approaching, the colour rapidly draining from his face.
"Says what?" asked his companion, oblivious to my impending presence.
"He... he says... th-th-thank you for constantly watching over Equestria and for your unending kindness and clemency," he replied, stiffly.
"And then what does she say?"
"Nothing. Thats the end of the joke."
"That doesn't even make sense. What kind of a joke is... oh," the other guard silenced himself, as well. Finally noticing me standing behind him.
Don't do it. Please, don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't beg. Don't grovel. Don't. I'm not in the mood for-
"Your Highness, please, please forgive us. We were watching your room diligently, I swear. I would never dream of... insulting the crown... please..." he began.
"Shut. Up." I swept past them both and slammed the door of my room behind me. Exhaling all my frustrations, tearing off my crown and flinging it onto the bed. I listened to the guards hissing blame at one another and then hurriedly quietening themselves in a crescendo of shushes on the other side of the door.
They can be so ridiculous, sometimes. How do I tell them what it is that I want? It's just a joke. You can tell a joke or two at my expense. I'd laugh along with you if only you'd let me. I'm so... lonely. Crushingly lonely.
I bit my lip. Where is Luna right now? Probably still asleep. I wonder if she would be upset if I woke her up to talk. I need somepony to talk to. Anypony. And not the careful, calculated, politically-correct Princess-speak kind of talk but something real. All I want is... all I need is...
An explosion broke my melancholy ponderings. The huge stained glass window on the western wall had burst into a thousand tiny pieces and showered across the floor as a small grey lump hurtled into the room. It crashed into my royal bed, burying itself in a mountain of silk sheets and plush cushions.
An... an assassin? I hadn't had to face an assassin in years but who else would have the courage to barge into my private bedchamber. A thief, perhaps? At this time of day? I carefully approached the wriggling pile of blankets and telekinetically plucked them apart. What my investigation revealed was a small grey pegasus kicking and struggling free of my blanket. A pegasus currently wearing my crown.
She struggled to her hooves and stood on the bed. Staring right at me.
Well... at least one of her eyes was staring right at me.
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That one shipping that almost escaped.
I'm liking this, so far!
Question: Will the smooching take as long to get to as your last fic? That could be a deal breaker.
3760875
Oh... did I wait too long last time? I don't really plan out my fics as much as I prob'ly should. Maybe I'll have them kiss next chapter just to blow your mind.
Not the first time I've seen this paring, but the first for sure to see how they get together. I think may have to set this aside to read later
....Then what D: -cliffhunged-
.nu..not again...
3760894 Well, some of us like a slow pacing. Others don't. I personally think the pacing in the last one was just fine.
On the story: F/F crack shipping is best shipping!
This time with best pony!
Although she finally has enough of everyone always bowing to her. Derpy better not mess this up, or Celestia's wrath will be terrible.
I hereby dub this ship Dyslexia if that's okay.
Derpy is so sly, she's got all the right moves.
3760972
That's already taken unfortunately. DerpLestia is not however.
3761180 What ship is that?
3761642
DIScord and ceLESTIA. DisLestia.
Oh yeah, and in response to your authors note, a couple things:
- Above all, make sure there's something Derpy would see in Celestia that would make her fall in love, and make sure there's something Celestia sees in Derpy that would make her fall in love.
- I've always liked the "everybody is afraid of Celestia's power" angle, where she feels isolated from her people because they don't treat her like they do each othet. For example, my favorite moment so far was the two guards, having a normal conversation, and then immediately turning it into something proper and artificial when they see Celestia is there. More of that kind of thing, because it's great. Celestia's inability to have a real conversation with people, because of who she is to them.
- Try not to make people cartoonishly afraid of Celestia... you did that a bit at the start and I was really on the fence. Fearing Celestia might imprison them or banish them is fine, but I can't imagine anyone would even pretend like Celestia would kill them.
- I'm kind of concerned that Derpy is going to be so retarded she can't even hold a conversation, which would make the two of them bonding kind of hard to pull off.
- I think it would be cool if Celestia, in talking to Derpy, has to simplify complicated problems to thier very essence, so she understands. And in doing so, she realizes what's at the heart of a lot of her problems.
3760972
Dyslexia is theeee perfect name for this ship.
Your thoughts, DerpyDitzy?
3761693 Like a good number of fans of MLP I disliked what I call the Last Roundup Debacle, since I took offence to the name 'Derpy' and the fact she was made to act and sound like she was mentally retarded, having a disability myself (Cognitive Disorder if you want to know) I reacted poorly in my defense, but I prefer the altered version much better than the original in my defense.
3761647 I thought that…
3761717
Yeah, I agree. I much prefer it when she's shown as being spacey, and a bit strange, and a bit goofy, but otherwise, a perfectly functioning and normal person. For example, she wouldn't really have the attention span or the inclination to follow a complicated conversation past a certain point, but she could, if it was important to her, or if she was interested.
In the context of this story, I thought it would be cool if Celestia liked that she didn't involve herself in the little complicated political and social games people in the castle played to seem important or seem respectful or seem intelligent. She is genuine, which is rare in high society.
CUE THE SHENANIGANS!!!
I like it.
A very...interesting couple. You have my attention and I can't wait to read what happens next.
This fic: proving that any ship can and has been done. It's pretty good too!
On the PREMISE ALONE I want to read this...
3761693
Yeah, I think I wrote Ditzy too silly and too much of a joke character in one of my previous fics and I took a bit of flack for it. She has Strabismus and poor spatial awareness but she's not an idiot. I like to think of her as being able to always see problems from a unique perspective.
And Dyslexia is a really clever name... as long as it doesn't offend anyone that is.
Okay, I like this. Gonna follow it, see what happens.
3763270
It's tricky. Make her too competent, and she becomes boring, like any other background character. I've never tried to write her myself, but I'd be sure to make her a total clutz, and rather spacey (i. e. easily distracted, off in her own world) -- I mean, that kind of thing is what makes her adorable. She doesn't have to be an idiot, just... spacey.
It's tricky. Honestly, I'm here to see how on Earth you're even going to try to write her into a romance with one of the most serious characters on the show
And then Derpy gives Celestia her package and the business cards for Ponyville Glass Repairs and The Wall Reconstruction company, flys off like nothing happened, Celestia is thankful she didn't apologise but then remember her crown and flys after her, two weeks later the wedding bells ring out across the land :) fic done :)
Actually this fic is pretty good, please do keep at it :)
Hm... Well... I'd generally prefer to have read more than 1.6 thousand words of a story before favoriting, but I'll take a chance here; your writing quality seems good and your concept interesting so far, at least.
I really like what you've done with this story.
You've very quickly captured Celestia's point of view, and it'll be interesting to see that explored further. Doubly so because she doesn't fully understand the reputation she has, and it might help to get an outside view, which is a chicken and egg problem for her when she can't actually talk openly to anyone.
It also makes for a great contrast with Derpy's introduction. I can imagine several ways you can take it from here, and all of them work. On the one hoof, Derpy could be ridiculously apologetic and Celestia has had enough of it, and finally takes the time to talk to a pony about it. On the other hoof, maybe Derpy has apologized enough times that she has a better grasp of it than most, and she doesn't take it overboard, shocking Celestia enough to want to get to know her better; that's the variation that seems like it'd be the most fun (since it turns Celestia into the curious one that wants to get to know Derpy more), though it'd be a challenging characterization for Derpy. On the third hoof, perhaps Celestia will preempt the apology altogether. On the fourth hoof, perhaps Derpy doesn't think of it at all, and just untangles herself and says she has a delivery for her; inconsiderate under most circumstances, but timely and refreshing for Celestia (and could lead to the same notion of Celestia wanting to get to know her better). On the fifth hoof, you might have something completely unexpected planned here.
The title of this was eye-catching, and the cover image and description doubly so; I wondered how you planned to make this work, and how much crack would be involved. I was particularly curious when I realized that this didn't have a "Comedy" tag. But with how well you've characterized Celestia already, I'm certain you can pull this off, and I'm really looking forward to it.
3760894
Please don't; there's no need to rush it. Pacing is an art, and for a story like this, characterization and careful development is critical. You've already got the characterization nailed, and you've got some great hooks for further development; keep it up.
3763270
Good call. I'm not a fan of painting Derpy as an idiot, either; her dump stat was Dexterity, not Intelligence.
Have some fan art. I had the components handy to assemble a variation, changed the text, found a good sprite of Celestia, and broke out the window behind Derpy:
i.imgur.com/Q5S8BU2.png
Okay, interesting premise, good start... Let's see where this goes.
(Also bonus points for at least implied Celestia arse-kicking in the past. I feel that as she is a thousand-year old sun-goddess (or at the very least a thousand-year old immortal) that the lack of being allowed to kick butt - even often in fanfiction - is a crying shame... I mean, if there is one entity I would completely trust to be going all Galadriel and righteous fury on something deserving occasionally, it would be Celestia. So I take what implied badassery I can get...!)
3764692
Oh you're just the coolest ever! I'll post chapter two as soon as I'm done with it. Thanks for being so awesome!
3764718
I hadn't thought of that being good enough to be cover art; I just thought you'd enjoy it as fan art.
3764718
Here's a variation that's only 250 pixels wide, fitting the limit for cover art, so that it doesn't get slightly scaled down (causing the scaling artifacts currently present in the version used as cover art):
i.imgur.com/SDqmVV6.png
3764759
I have no idea what that means but thanks. I replaced the art and put in a new chapter.
I came here expecting... well, I'm not sure. But I like what we've got!
Very interesting side of Tia you have chosen. Also, can we hear the rest of that joke?
3761693
I agree. If anything, having them quake in fear of banishment over a minor cockup is already over the top. Twilight did, but she's terrified of disappointing her mentor and pretty prone to overreacting to begin with. Anything we've seen indicates that Celestia is pretty much universally beloved; ponies may get very nervous about giving offense around her, but I don't think they're actually afraid of her.
But that's a minor point. The sheer gulf between her and, well, everyone else except Luna, in terms of power and weight of experience could create the same sort of isolation and loneliness.
Looking forward to see what Ditzy's like.
Well... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... This is new...
3760679
You again! You always beat me to the good stuff. Like the fat guy who is first in line when a buffet puts out a fresh dish.
That's what this story is: a delicious buffet of insight and comedy (and probably fluff later) that I will devour immediately and then beg for more.
I almost died when Celestia interrupted the bar joke. Why didn't she stay around the corner (I'm assuming that's why he didn't see her and started the joke in the first place) and then laugh at she came around the corner at the joke I'LL NEVER KNOW THE PUNCHLINE TO!
This looks good!
Derpy and Celly? This is recipe for an amazingly hilarious disaster!
"The donkey says, 'So, do you know why donkeys don't get Cutie Marks?' And then I say, 'Oatmeal? Are you crazy?' "
The only thing I'll point out is... Sorry, my bad. Didn't see the alternate universe tag til just now. I assume this is a world where either twilight doesn't exist yet, or never was celestia's student and always lived in ponyville, so the princess would only know her as the element of magic.
So far, I see no real problem. Well... Aside from having to see flash, for more than one reason. One, I just don't like him much and there are only a handful of fics I find okay where he has a main part, and two, he's meant to be positioned at the crystal empire, not canterlot
Aside from that, good story so far. I will read on
4176639
As if Twilight isn't just as bad half the time when it comes to the excessive apologies and unnecessary fear of punishment. Celestia sometimes gets the kind of interaction she's looking for from her but I don't know if she could rely on it.
Heheeheh, awwww... poor Celly, let's hope Derpy becomes her bestest friend!