Awakening
________________________________________
As the Sun rises into the blue sky, light shines on the face of a white alicorn as he blinks his eyes open, revealing a soft amber within them. Lifting his head, his ears twitch at the soft sound of snores around him. Turning his head, he tilts it at the sight of squirrels nuzzling their head against his side and rabbits curled up against the other.
Slowly, the white alicorn stands, but falls on his underside, waking the birds on his back as their eyes quickly open before stretching their wings and flying into the sky. The birds hover over the white alicorn, blinking as he stands on his shaking hooves. Finally, the alicorn stands stall, closing his eyes, and unfolds his wings as they shimmer under the morning light.
As the Sun rises higher into the sky, the group of rabbits and squirrels around the alicorn slowly open their eyes and shake their head. Noticing the white alicorn with his wings out, their eyes widen and move from the base of the alicorn's wings to the soft feathers that line upon it.
Opening his eyes, the white alicorn turns his head from side to side. Blinking at a nearby patch uncovered by the surrounding trees, he folds his wings and begins to walk as his legs shake with each step.
Upon reaching the spot, away from the large tree's cover, the white alicorn rests himself on his underside. Smiling, his eyes roll down at his hooves, moving them up and down with wide eyes. He then blinks, noticing his chest colored in clear white before looking at one of his hooves and brushes it against his chest. Tilting his head, his hoof feels a pulse from his chest and closes his eyes.
The group of squirrels and rabbits face each other, blinking. They then move to the white alicorn as the squirrels sit next to his side and the rabbits on the other. The birds hovering above nod at each other before flying down, perching on the white alicorn's back.
With the Sun rising higher, light shines upon the face of a blue alicorn as his eyes blink open, revealing a beautiful ice blue. Lifting his head, his ears twitch at the soft sound of snores. Turning his head, he tilts it at the sight of a deer resting its head on his side and a bear on the other.
As the blue alicorn stands on his shaking hooves, he suddenly falls flat on his underside. He then slowly pushes himself up on his hooves again and stands tall before unfolding his wings.
The deer and bear resting next to the blue alicorn open their eyes and lifts their head, each rubbing a hoof and paw under their eye. Looking up, their eyes widen at the blue alicorn's wings glowing softly under the morning light.
Turning his head, the blue alicorn blinks at the white alicorn in the distance. Folding his wings, he walks as his legs shake with each step.
As the deer and bear watch the blue alicorn stumbling on his hooves, the deer frowns, while the bear bites its paw.
Stopping, the blue alicorn then settles on his underside next to the white alicorn and puts a hoof over the other.
"I see that thou art awake," says the white alicorn, opening his eyes.
"Aye," says the blue alicorn, nodding.
"And it seems that we have been given a form…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
"But we should be grateful that we are able to walk upon this world," says the blue alicorn, smiling.
"True, but this is a strange place we have woken to…" says the white alicorn, turning his head and seeing tall grass stretching until meeting the borders of the dark trees around him.
"Aye…" says the blue alicorn, furrowing his brows.
"Tell me, little one, where are we?" asks the white alicorn, facing a squirrel below.
The squirrel blinks. It turns and faces a group of squirrels and rabbits with sweat running down their face. They each flail their paws while shaking their head.
"Is something wrong?" asks the white alicorn, tilting his head.
The squirrel cranes its head to the white alicorn, gulping. Slowly, its lips move while pointing a paw at the dark trees around them.
"The Everfree Forest, I see…" says the white alicorn, blinking.
The squirrel blinks its eyes before shaking its head. Its lips move while pointing a paw at itself.
"Aye, little one, I understand thee," says the white alicorn, nodding.
The squirrel then turns its head, facing a bear and deer while pointing a paw at the white alicorn.
The bear shrugs, while the deer shakes its head.
The squirrel then faces the white alicorn. Its lips move while pointing a paw at itself.
"Ah, so there are beings in this world that are not able to understand thee…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
The squirrel nods.
"I see. But forgive me, little one, how do I show my gratitude to thee?" asks the white alicorn, tilting his head.
The squirrel turns and looks at the group of rabbits, pointing a paw at the white alicorn.
The rabbits face each other before looking at the squirrel, shrugging. However, a lone rabbit pats a paw on its cheek.
The squirrel's eyes widen as its cheeks turn red while shaking its head.
The rabbit points a paw at the white alicorn and lifts a brow.
The squirrel lets out a sigh and faces the white alicorn. Its lips move white pointing a paw at the alicorn's head.
"Aye," says the white alicorn, lowering his head.
As the alicorn's head is within reach, the squirrel walks up to his face before pressing its lips on his cheek. The squirrel then moves away from the alicorn as its lips move while pointing a paw at him.
"Ah, so thou art saying that I must kiss others in order to show my gratitude?" asks the white alicorn, blinking.
The squirrel smiles. Its lips move while pointing a paw at the white alicorn.
"Then I must say thank you? Strange…" says the white alicorn, wrinkling his brows.
The squirrel shrugs.
"Nay, I believe thee, little one. If that is how the inhabitants of this world show their gratitude, then I have no complaints," says the white alicorn, smiling.
The squirrel grins and rubs a paw behind its head.
"Now then…" says the white alicorn, placing his lips on the squirrel's cheek, the latter, its eyes widening.
A group of squirrels' eyes widens and another group of rabbits' faces turns bright red. A bear among the animals places a paw over its mouth, while a deer's cheeks turn into a shade of red.
"Thank you, little one," says the white alicorn, smiling.
The squirrel places a paw over its cheek and looks at the alicorn with an open mouth.
"Is something wrong?" asks the white alicorn, frowning.
The squirrel shakes its head and makes a sheepish grin. It then turns around, placing a paw over its chest, and letting out a sigh as its cheeks turn red.
"Forgive me, but how did we arrive here?" asks the blue alicorn, facing a deer.
The deer points a hoof at the sky before pointing at the large tree in the distance.
"A sphere of light?" says the blue alicorn, tilting his head.
The deer shrugs and frowns.
"Do not apologize. I understand that thou art confused as much as I am. But thank you," says the blue alicorn, pressing his lips on the deer's cheek, the latter, its eyes widening with bright red cheeks.
A canary among the birds above rolls its eyes. It flies down, perching on the white alicorn's hoof. It then lifts a wing and waves.
"Ah, greetings, little one," says the white alicorn, smiling.
The canary smiles. It then points a wing at the white alicorn.
"Ah, forgive me, but I do not know what the inhabitants of this world address me as. But if I were to put it into words, that would be me," says the white alicorn, pointing a hoof at a bright light in the sky.
The canary tilts its head. It lifts a wing, pointing at the light in the sky.
"I see. Then I am the Sun," says the white alicorn, nodding.
A bear among the animals blinks. It looks at the blue alicorn, its lips moving while pointing a paw at the sky.
"Aye, I am the Moon that thou speakest of," says the blue alicorn, smiling.
A group of squirrels quickly cuddle, wrapping their paws around each other as their bodies shake. Another group of rabbits hides behind the bear, frowning with their bodies trembling. The birds on the white alicorn's back quickly spread their wings, flying into the sky, while a deer places its head on the ground and puts its shaking hooves over its face.
"Is something wrong?" asks the blue alicorn, blinking.
Among the animals, a bear frowns with its lips moving and pointing a paw at the alicorns.
"Fear us? Forgive me, but I do not understand…" says the blue alicorn, his brows gathering in.
A rabbit behind the bear lifts a shaking paw and points it at the alicorns.
"Wh-why would I cause thee such discontent? I do not wish to harm the inhabitants of this world…" says the blue alicorn with a watery gaze.
"If we truly are troubling thee with our presence, then perhaps would be best if we take our leave of thee…" says the white alicorn, wrinkling his brows.
Standing to their hooves, the alicorns slowly walk to the dark trees with their head hanging.
The bear among the animals stands and turns, glaring at them while pointing a paw at the alicorns.
A group of squirrels frowns. Another group of rabbits rubs a paw behind their head. A deer lets out a sigh, while clusters of birds above slowly nod.
The bear smiles. It then turns and runs towards the alicorns, stopping in front of them.
"Do not worry. We are leaving…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
"And forgive us for troubling thee…" says the blue alicorn, furrowing his brows.
Shaking its head, the bear's lips move while pointing a paw at the alicorns.
"Nay, do not apologize. We understand if 'tis a misunderstanding," says the white alicorn, smiling.
"But there is something troubling…" says the blue alicorn, hanging his head.
"What is thy concern?" asks the white alicorn, blinking.
"The Azure One…" says the blue alicorn, lifting his head with a watery gaze.
"I see…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
The bear blinks as its lips move.
"Ah, forgive us, but we are searching for a being in this world," says the white alicorn.
"I only wish to meet the Azure One, but we are clueless as to where to begin our search…" says the blue alicorn, hanging his head.
The bear rubs a paw to its chin. Its eyes lighting up, its lips move while pointing a paw at a path that leads through the dark trees ahead.
"Ah, so these ponies that thou speakest of will aid in our search?" asks the white alicorn, tilting his head.
The bear smiles and nods.
"I see. We are grateful. Thank you," says the blue alicorn, pressing his lips on the bear's cheek. He then pulls his face away, smiling.
The bear grins while rubbing a paw behind its head.
The alicorns turn and face the animals behind.
"We apologize for earlier…" says the white alicorn, wrinkling his brows.
"Forgive us, but we must be leaving now. If our paths meet again, 'twould be pleasant to speak to thee," says the blue alicorn, smiling.
A group of squirrels smiles. Another group of rabbits waves a paw. A deer smiles, while the birds in the air nod their head.
"Now then, let us be off," says the white alicorn with a small smile.
"Aye," says the blue alicorn, smiling.
________________________________________
As the alicorns walk through the dark trees, their eyes move to the dark shade of trunks to the vines that dangle from the branches above. Their eyes then move to different patches of flowers of soft blue to bright yellow ones on the side of the path below.
"This is a strange place…" says the white alicorn, tilting his head.
"This form we have taken is strange as well…" says the blue alicorn, unfolding his wings.
"Aye, but we should be grateful for our situation," says the white alicorn, rubbing the spiraling horn on his head with a hoof.
"Forgive me, but I do not understand…" says the blue alicorn, wrinkling his brows.
"Our forms resemble the Azure One," says the white alicorn with a small smile.
"Ah, that is right…" says the blue alicorn with wide eyes. He then smiles. "It truly must be fate."
"Perhaps, but let us leave that for another time. We must move on," says the white alicorn, walking ahead.
"Aye," says the blue alicorn, nodding.
Walking deeper on the path ahead, the alicorns notice a castle off in the clearing. Upon a closer look, towers on the sides of the castle stretch far into the sky while cracked walls with openings are open to the air around.
"Another strange place…" says the white alicorn, tilting his head.
"Aye…" says the blue alicorn, blinking.
"Ah, we can enter through there," says the white alicorn, pointing a hoof at a large opening of the castle's wall.
"Let us go. Perhaps we can find answers to the Azure One we seek," says the blue alicorn with a small smile.
"Aye," says the white alicorn, nodding.
Walking through the open wall, they come across a room of a large gray pedestal with vines and moss around it.
"What is this place?" asks the blue alicorn, blinking.
"I do not know…" says the white alicorn, furrowing his brows.
"Strange…" says the blue alicorn, standing next to the pedestal. He then lifts a hoof, stroking it against the structure.
"It truly is…" says the white alicorn, placing a hoof on the pedestal.
Both alicorns' eyes widen as their bodies tense as a strong energy surges through them, which they quickly remove their hoof from the pedestal. Sitting on their haunches, they close their eyes as they place a hoof on their chest, gasping for air as they quickly breathe in and out.
"A-art thou well?" asks the blue alicorn, opening his eyes and shaking his head.
"A-aye…" says the white alicorn, opening his eyes and placing a hoof over his head.
"That strange feeling, the Azure One was here," says the blue alicorn, smiling.
"And something else. 'Twas a different presence and yet familiar…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
"Aye, 'twas similar to thee…" says the blue alicorn, blinking.
"But it seems we have found our answers. 'Tis unfortunate, but we will not find the Azure One here…" says the white alicorn, shaking his head.
"Then let us move on," says the blue alicorn with a small smile.
"Aye," says the white alicorn, nodding.
Leaving the room through the opening in the castle's wall, the alicorns notice a wooden rope bridge over a cliff in the distance. Crossing the bridge, they walk on the path through the dark trees once more and arrives at a raging river of currents.
"There is no path…" says the white alicorn, furrowing his brows.
"Ah, perhaps we can cross over that," says the blue alicorn, pointing a hoof.
Turning his head, the white alicorn notices a purple sea serpent with its body stretching far to the path on the other side of the river.
"Let us go," says the white alicorn.
"Aye," says the blue alicorn, nodding.
The alicorns walk over the serpent's back, earning a few grunts from it. Once across, the white alicorn stands to the side as the blue alicorn walks up to the serpent's face with a long mustache and places his lips on the serpent's cheek.
"Thank you," says the blue alicorn, smiling. He then turns and follows the white alicorn as they walk into the trees ahead.
"Huh?" says the serpent, opening his eyes. He then lifts his head, looking side to side. "I thought I heard something…" he says, blinking. He shrugs and puts his head on the ground below, closing his eyes.
Walking on the path ahead, the alicorns pass a large tree with gourds hanging on the branches above. They continue on, passing a zebra picking up brown mushrooms and red flowers with a hoof.
"Hmm?" says the zebra, turning her head and blinking. She then shrugs and picks up another red flower with a hoof.
In the distance, the alicorns see a clearing with light at the end. Coming through, they squint their eyes at the bright light. They then blink, seeing brighter colored flowers of red, yellow, and blue on the green hills around.
"The life here is much more vibrant…" says the white alicorn, blinking.
"Aye…" says the blue alicorn, tilting his head.
"Perhaps we can find more answers there," says the white alicorn, pointing a hoof.
Turning his head, the blue alicorn notices a cottage in the distance with multiple animal burrows in the ground and birdhouses around the building.
"Let us go," says the blue alicorn, walking ahead.
"Aye," says the white alicorn, nodding.
Coming to a stop in front of the cottage's door, the blue alicorn prods a hoof at it, earning a few knocks.
"Strange…" says the blue alicorn, blinking.
"Aye…" says the white alicorn, frowning.
"What is this?" asks the blue alicorn, tilting his head.
"I do not know…" says the white alicorn, shaking his head.
"I see no further reason to stay," says the blue alicorn.
"Then let us move on," says the white alicorn.
Turning, the alicorns' eyes widen upon a town in the distance. Facing each other, they nod and walk on the path ahead.
As the alicorns leave, the cottage's door opens, revealing a white rabbit at the doorway, rubbing a paw under its eye. Looking around, the rabbit then shrugs and pulls the door with a paw, closing it.
On the path to the town ahead, the alicorns pass a bush that rustles, revealing an orange, yellow, and white filly popping their head out of the bush.
"Uh, Apple Bloom, who are those guys?" asks the orange filly, blinking.
"I'm not sure, Scoot. Maybe they're here to visit Twilight? I mean, they're alicorns and all," says Apple Bloom, shrugging.
"Yeah, but Twilight's not here, remember? She's at Canterlot with the others. Besides, don't you think it's weird that those guys came from the Everfree Forest?" asks Scootaloo, lifting a brow.
"Y-yeah…" says Apple Bloom, rubbing a hoof behind her head. She then faces a white filly. "What do you think, Sweetie Belle?"
"I don't know, but I really like their manes! And they're so dreamy…" says Sweetie Belle, letting out a long sigh.
"Uh-huh…" says Apple Bloom, resting her elbows on the bush and putting her head on her hooves.
"Do you think they have a special somepony?" asks Sweetie Belle, blinking.
"I hope not…" says Apple Bloom, frowning.
"Come on! Enough with the mushy talk! Let's follow them and see what's up!" says Scootaloo, jumping out of the bush.
"Yeah…" says Apple Bloom, gazing at the white alicorn with half-lidded eyes.
"Okay…" says Sweetie Belle, looking at the blue alicorn with heart-shaped eyes.
"Ugh! I hate it when they're like this…" says Scootaloo, rolling her eyes.
To be continued…
You sir I must follow you!
3780637
Glad you enjoyed it!
NOOOOOOO! You're stopping at the good part! Darn you!
I think my favorite part is the misunderstanding about 'Thank you'. That is just comedy gold you have set up for the rest of the story.
You've really captured the otherworldly quality of these two beings.
It's so good that each chapter feels short.
Eagerly waiting for more.
Names:
Sun incarnate: Sol
Moon incarnate: Mon
Urg, both too short, and the second one sounds lame. Should be fun.
You could always just go with the R63 names for Celestia and Luna.
Solaris and Artemis.
I'm thinking Soloris for the sun.
Don't give them names. Let them stay as moon and sun.
I mean they have names right. Moon and Sun. You don't need something fancy to be their names. Though they have have new forms doesn't mean they are no longer what they were used to be.
P.S: Also, play the alien, otherworldly angle to fullest.
Oh my.
So... A kiss on the cheek is how they show gratitude...?
THAT won't go wrong...
~Skeeter The Lurker
Yeah.
This is too good.
Approved with joy for Twilight's Library.
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
Wear with pride, boss.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Wow This looks goooooooood! One thing though - I think you mean latter not ladder??
Artemis for the male moon alicorns and Apollo for the male sun?
Nice idead for the story. Lets read.
3781015
Aye, a lot of telling, very little showing.
Much of it could even stay fairly intact if it was actually describing them, rather than sounding like a bored documentary made about them.
Well this is going to be interesting. For Name ideas, I would Say Apollo and Artemis, or Daylight and Moonlight/. Best of luck. Great story.
Well, let's hope they don't get arrested for kissing any of the CMC on the cheek.
3781015 From reading the description, I thought it might be a troll fic.
Unfortunately, it's not.
Duuude I see mistakes.....
THE DESCRIPTION THIRD WORD...
It's Millennia I think......
3781487
I think your right... I''ll change it right away.
3780918
I'll fix it up.
3781723 no problem. I was just surprised that no one noticed that
3781739 OKAY SERIOUSLY.....
It's MILLENNIA, as millennia, NOT millenniaS....
3781754
Uhh... thanks though.
Sundude and Moonbro.
Solar and Lucian.
3781761 exactly
3780502
*Ding!* Perfect.
3780863
Glad you enjoyed it!
3780338 it's not a big deal, it was just confusing to me, I thought they were saying them
3782031
Yeah. When I was reading it myself, it sounded like they were saying it.
3782052 no detirment ment, it's all part of trial and error it's how most humans get better at things
3781763
I loled at the first two names.
3777798
I'll do my best!
3778742
Hmm... maybe.
3780750
You know... I was also considering of using Sol as the sun's name, but I'm still debating.
Lol looks like things are going to be heating up with a hint of confusion.
3782114 I like Sol and Nyx. They sound royal and... mysterious.
You know what I like? The fairy tale feel you have going on with those two characters. Don't ruin them with names. Just call then Sun and Moon. Because that is what they are.
3782114
How about the moons name be "Thoth" After the Egyptian deity.
Accord to scholars, Early in Egyptian mythology, he was the deity of the moon, or the moon god.
Later, he came to be know as the god of Wisdom and Magic.
Very appropriate for the setting, wouldn't you say?
As for the sun, Solaris (the traditional name.) Ra after the Egyptian sun deity. there was a Sol in Ancient Germanic mythology. (probably the origin of the term "Solar") as well as there was a Sol in Roman mythology. Baldr from Norse mythology is a good one too, as he was associated with Light, beauty, love and happiness.
I think the best name choices would be Thoth for the Moon, to represent his stoic nature. And Baldr for the Sun, to represent his more cavalier attitude(relatively speaking).
I believe that these names would best represent the characters of the Moon and Sun respectively.
3782114
you could go with Sol and Mūn
So, what, were they just shouting nonstop this entire chapter?
Also, every problem the first chapter had is a problem here as well. Although, I did laugh quite a bit at the image of their eyes talking to each other.
Also, I agree with Seether00. Just call them Sun and Moon, that's probably the most original name for them in concepts like this. It's always Solaria and Artemis and other ridiculous names that they'd have no reason to have when they literally are the Sun and Moon.
3782673
What? Why in the world would they have Egyptian names? The only mythology reference made in the show is Greek, so it would be related to that if anything.
Well you should just use the gender bender versions of Celestia and Luna; Solaris and Artemis
I'm no expert on the grammatical nuances of old English, but I think all the "thy"s you're using to describe personal ownership might need to be some form of Mine or My...you'd have to ask somebody better versed in it though!
I'm sorry that if the story does not meet some of your expectations, especially the errors in how I'm phrasing it. I'm trying my best though to correct them with my new editor. But please enjoy what I have to offer at the moment.
3783650 http://imgur.com/a/TelBr?gallery "thou," "thee," "thy," and "thine" are all variants of "you" and "your" -- using them to replace things like "the" or "this" or "mine" makes no sense.
And it isn't just that they use them incorrectly, it's they don't use them consistently. They keep switching between "thou" and "you" without any rhyme or reason. Switching between them based on who they are addressing is one thing (As Sereg explains here), but switching mid-sentence is completely silly.
I also second what 3782358 said.
The concept is very interesting, and your story shows a lot of potential, but your prose can be quite hard to read at times.
Your first chapter pretty much defines why 'show, don't tell' is such a big deal - a long conversation that serves little purpose beyond an awful lot of scene-setting that really doesn't feel that relevant, capped by a rather forced "Oh hey, wouldn't it be funny if [the plot of this fanfic] happened!" "Oh yes, I wonder how that would go."
Your second chapter is more interesting, but some work on pronouns and descriptions would be wise. "The Azure Alicorn" appeared about five times in two paragraphs, and it really begins to grate quite quickly.
Apart from that, throughout the fic the scenes seem a little stilted and jerky, and you fluctuate back and forth between present and past tense a little. (I will admit I'm biased towards past tense and most of this is in present, which probably doesn't help.)
Get yourself an editor, and keep working on it. There's a lot of potential in here and I'm interested to see where it's going, so keep it up :)
3783955
Best of luck and work hard!
3780782
Sol and Nox. Much better!
3783057
Forgot to put in the story that their speaking the Royal Voice in a softer tone, instead of yelling all the time. Just picture their voice just echoing but in a lower volume.
3783244 Horus was the god that controlled the sun AND the moon, so technically they both have the same name if we were to go with Egyptian pony religion. But I do like the idea of Greek religion.
How about Solar Flare and Lunar Eclipse.