not bad it did seem to move a little fast at some parts but the intercourse was very descriptive nice job
I'll put a track on it if you ever decide to continue

:D

You never told us you finished this!

At least you never told me :(

332822

Sorry! I finished it late last night, but you weren't around.

332786, 333050

Thanks!

Tracking this awesome story.

I was going to just punch a kangaroo and close the tab because of another HiE self-insert....
But that word count......

I'll read it when later chapters come out, maybe.

And you better be grateful I'm not punching a kangaroo in the face! It's better than most HiE get!

At first, I was going to thumb it down.

After I read it, I thumbed it up. Well played good sir.

This is literally the only second person fic I've ever enjoyed, mostly because I'm aspiring to one day become a physicist

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*reads story*

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Cheers
~iraqlobstah

This is really REALLY good.

Excellent!

ok wheres my reward? well anyway if the next chapter is just as long how long are we going to have to wait? also i figured twilight would be a virgin... well guess i was wrong for this storie. also that was the single most longest chapter i ever read!!! im impressed.

Okay, quite the nice story, but you hopped through the different tenses like a bunny on the run, let alone the trivial typographical mistakes.

Seriously...

Plot seems fine, if you don't know whether you will resume writing this, or just let it be a one-shot, put it on Hiatus, and give it some time.

Cheerio

334631

Jumping from one tense to the next has always been a difficult problem to correct for me. Having english as a second language hurts when my native language is slightly more permissive in that regard, due to the structure of verbs. I will keep this more actively in mind moving on, thanks for pointing it out.

Also, hmm. I'll have to proofread the entire thing then. I have a habit of doing edits at the beginning of a writing session on what I wrote previously, so it's likely I missed some parts. Weirdough.

I will likely continue the story, but I'll take your advice and put it on hiatus. I want to get some other things done before I can commit to another 20-30 hours of work on this.

334601

That could be left to interpretation, but I didn't want to write Twilight being in pain, so I chose to omit it. Glad you enjoyed it though

334829 well i guess you can use the excuse "the comb did it" or maybe he simpally did not notice and neither did she... *shrugs sholders* hey stories HAVE done that way before...

334829 also wheres the trophy you were talking about... (man i am a persistant troll at times)

oh and i brock the like button!!! and the track button...

334829

Hm, I'm from Germany, and if there is one thing I've learned since I started reading fanfiction on this site, it is most certainly the fact that bilingualism can be annoying. I've seen great ideas getting tossed away, since the people, who came up with said notions, lacked the ability of wording those. I'm one of them, but I think that that is mainly because of my OCD. Anyways, for you being bilingual the story is quite the sight. Get a proofreader. I'd proofread it, but since I've already read it, it would be thrice as annoying as it is already. I'll put that thought aside for chapter two, whenever it will appear on my tracking-list page 1.

334601

Longest chapter ever read? You shouldn't miss the big fun out there! Try The End of Ponies, or if it's too long, try My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring. I think both end up in a sore posterior.

334952 challenge accepted...

335008

By the way, ever heard of the little button named "Edit"?

335025 oh you mean this button *points to edit button* *trollface* (sorry normaly when i get worked up i start spamming... sorry about that...) (Will a cupple of cute faces make things better? there i brought the CMC ... )

This story starts with several very disjointed scenes. It reminded me of how some of the really weird and/or metaphysical anime series start. And that is not really a good thing.

The porn is instantly forgettable; save for it occuring in 2nd person. It felt like the writer was using a standard porn check list even more than Twilight was. Retooled slightly, this would be a great parody of general porn tropes but at present it just comes across as IKEA erotica.

This isn't a bad story as such, and there is nothing wrong with the ideas, but the presentation lacks polish. So the aircraft (?) he arrived in had a fusion reactor, and vast collection of kinky pornography? And Twilight finds said material errotic because..? And she's embarressed about pressing into his hand why...? All three raise more questions than answers. For a writer it's fun to dump ideas in front of a reader. But for a reader it's just as much fun to explore the author's reasoning as to how these ideas came about and what their consiquences are. And I didn't find that in this story.

Do write again though. Practice makes perfect.

Why?! Why do I love this so much?! Is it possibly because I'm a physicist and Twilight is best pony?

339079

That stings a bit, but I appreciate the honesty!

However, there's a paragraph where it's spelled out that whatever brought the protagonist to Equestria also transported a good chunk of his house along for the ride, thus his long-running quest to find what he needs - I figured it would be implied that it's not that the protagonist has copious amounts of porn, just that he has some along with the copious amount of stuff he has, period.

But lesson learned, I'll try to elaborate more in the upcoming chapters, and not leave that many loose ends.

This fanfic looks nice...
i847.photobucket.com/albums/ab32/MLP_Raven/IcameTwilightSparkle.jpg Hhhhhhhnnnnnnggggg...
That was such lovely, romantic and passionate Chapter 1, I adore how you keep Twilight Sparkle on character even when things get steamy, I dearly hope you continue this story! I am really looking forward for the next chapter Cheers! *tracking*

Really a good story.
Twilight seemed like Twilight throughout the entire story, and thats an achievement!

I started to get a little confused during the "fingering", I had trouble keeping track of what was going on. ( More my fault than yours )

Anyways I for one enjoyed it>

wait wait wait... CHAPTER 1??? THERE WILL BE MORE??? BUT I ALREADY PAINTED THE WHOLE ROOM WHITE!!! ONCE MORE AND THE OCEAN WILL TURN WHITE!!!

361818

I actually Googled "Painted the whole room white" because I thought it was some sort of slang I didn't understand.

Then I remembered this is clopfiction, and was like

I WROTE IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKES, WTF ME?

362378 Will there be more?

365392

I'm about done with the non-clop part of Chapter 2. I wanted to take some time and explain the background story a bit further, what drives the protagonist and how he and Twilight deal with what happened. Still figuring out how I want to integrate the sexy bits in this chapter, but I have an idea or two.

Stay tuned!

366531 A clopfic with an actual story? Oh my sweet lord, I've looked far and wide for such a thing!

369397 it is a rare siteing but i have found stories like this one...

...I'm not entirely sure. The... *Cough* intercourse was really well-written, as was the entire story, and the plot (Pun intended?) is not that bad... But then there's the unforgettable, harsh part of my brain that keeps saying, "Hey, this is a guy fucking a pony. Why are you even..."

So, instead of writing a long text about what I feel about this, I'll just put this picture right here. It should simplify things.
imguploader.info/?dm=NT5X

...Now, to discreetly track, like and favorite this before the anyone realizes it, aaand, done!

382773

A very valid point and one I have considered many times I the past. Honest truth is that I haven't read that many human/pony or pony/pony fics myself and typically prefer humanized characters all around.

But maybe that's why I wanted to write this and keep it sweet and in character. If you start messing with their very cores it becomes harder to keep them faithful to canon.

But if you prefer human/human, I might have something for you in an upcoming chapter /wink

384943

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Pampering me like this...

Liked the story not sure if you care if you continue this: go easy on the sex please I loved it but....... There was enough sex for nearly 2 chapters again good story.

nice

For a clopfic, this is done very well

So yeah. I know you're on hiatus. But here's to remind you that we're not going anywhere!

I thought it was quite pleasant.
Found a word usage/spelling error here "She puts up a though act, but she’s still a cute, awkward egghead." I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be tough. Probably got it close and auto corrected to though.
Also the only confusing part was in one of the porn bits, where it says, " now wincing back at you". Wincing immediately brings to mind pulling away from something, it's hard to wince back at something. It might be technically what you are going for, but the imagery it produces is slightly different and jarring. It also doesn't help that wincing is one letter from winking, and winking back at you might have been more towards what you were going for. I had to read that sentence two or three times.

Honestly I thought you did what you tried to do very well. I like it.

may the god's preseve you and this story....5 moustaches

Great work so far, man. I love your descriptions. I love the characterization on Twilight. I love this story.
When I read the description I had a good feeling about this. I wasn't disappointed.
That said, time for my standard incessant grammar fixes.
"The tub is hardy comfy for someone your size"
I believe you meant "hardly".
"There’s still the depths of the Everfree Forest o search"
Self-evident
"So to speak, of course. It’s still cramped."
Haha, I like the repetition here. Made me chuckle.
"Now fully dressed, you killed some time in your room to let the awkward moment you two just shared sink in"
You have a double space between shared and sink.
"Being an unicorn, though, she didn’t quite need to physically handle it"
You just use "a unicorn" here, because the u in unicorn produces a long u sound. You wouldn't say "Hey look, an U.F.O.!"
"She puts up a though act, but she’s still a cute, awkward egghead."
Tough.

Edit: Just thought I'd add that if you ever want someone to proof-read your stories feel free to give me a shout. I'd be more than happy to!

Incredible and very satisfying

very good im lost in the memory of reading it i read this to some slow jazz music to give my Spatial capacity a jump start in no time my imagination was fully engulfed in every word again good job i will read the rest after a COLD shower

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I DID in fact get this far, and this made me want to
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That includes the internet itself.

BRAVO BRAVO, best 15k words out of my 2.2mil words history. BEST FIC EVER
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For SCIENCE!

If you’re offended by any of this,
why the fuck did you click the link?
---
I clicked this fucking link to read a story. Thanks for the warning tho.

Her horn flayed wildly with magic, nearly every object in her room rattling from her rebuff.

Flayed - to peel the skin off (a corpse or carcass).
Flailed - to wave or swing or cause to wave or swing wildly.

Needless to say, that made for some rather unpleasant imagery.

Overall, this first chapter isn't terrible (even if the sexual setup was pretty contrived). My main gripe is that it could have easily been a much shorter read as a lot of pointless details could have been left out.

If you want a pretty awesome example of writing concisely with little wasted motion, I highly recommend giving this 2nd Person Human x Rarity fic a read: Sophistication and Betrayal by Drefsab

DELET THIS. REEEEEEEEEEEE