When dragged out of a world that showed you nothing but wrong, is it possible to be taken to one that shows difference? This, is the story of our hero.
Very well done so far, The main character has a interesting concept, could be better but I won't complain. The story is alright as well, a little cliche with the human in equestria concept, but a concept can be done a million times, the only reason it be good is they try something different and interesting each time. The pacing is very well done to, not to fast, not to slow. Now at this part of the story is a win or die situation, most people would just write at random and add so many characters, concepts and unnessasary information that usually does not go well since it gets confusing and outright annoying. So far you are doing very well and sticking to the lore to the MLP series and not making things confusing. Overall I can't wait to read your next chapter.
P.S: I am not sure why this story is getting so negative reviews, most likely its the spelling mistakes, I usually don't mind that much, as long its not constantly happening and very often. I suggest getting a pre-reader just incase. Another thing could be the human in equestria concept, but I am not entirely sure?
P.S.S: Another Thing I would like to add is I have a blog with 3 videos I have found, that talk about expostion, word use for character and character creation which I beleive would be benificial to your writing. Yes it is on gaming, but the principal is the same.
P.S.S.S: On last thing is a few suggestion to the story, you dont have to follow them, but it would be nice. Please do not have pinkie pie break the 4th wall, that is very annoying to see in a story. Do not make the alicorns immortal, they are just very powerful with magic. Lastly when it comes to romance, becareful on how fast they fall in love, let the romance build up.
Often times, I would allow myself to begin thinking through several recent occurrences in the world, from common car crashes to full blown wars, and, believe it or not, curse human kind for its stupidity and negligence.
''often times''? ''OFTEN TIMES''?! WHAT KIND OF SENTENCE IS THAT?!
and the story itself is also just another ''human goes to Equestria'' in the way we've seen it (literally) more than a thousand times before.
3780330 I understand, it was a slight slip up on my part. I was up pretty late when I wrote that part, ergo, often times. I also understand that human in Equestria stories are not uncommon, I simply wanted to try my hand at it. However, that does not nesecitate an overreaction of such caliber. I appreciate constructive criticism, but not negativity. Nonetheless, I thank you for pointing that out, and will get to rewriting that faux-pas posthaste. (Hilarious picture btw.)
This is exactly the kind of criticism I prefer from readers. On various other sites, I have often asked people to be honest with their criticisms, though they often turn brutal. I greatly appreciate the help, and thank you for not being one of those, as Pinkie Pie would likely say, "Meanie Weanies".
P.s. The guidelines you wrote about some things I should avoid are BEYOND agreed with. Though I find it comical whenever Pinkie breaks the 4th wall, it loses its charm rather quickly, breaking me out of my submergence into a story, as for immortal alicorns. They. Just. Live. Long. Once again, the concept you suggested is agreed with. I do not want to continue to think about the fact that an Alicorn will end up outliving a human by an eternity and forget about them in the next lifetime. Personally, I feel better off with a large life expectancy rate then just flat out immortality. Everything dies, wether powerful or not. (Though I'll never understand how nightmare moon survived so long on the moon with no food, water, or oxygen. Pinkie Physics on the moon?) Finally, love does indeed take time. Several stories I've read in which a character just magically falls in love with the other in such a short pace. If the relationship is well specified and paced, like detailing a date for example, then its fine however I truly do not want love to be over/under paced. Thank you again, your writer, Brightlight.
3781592 Np, Im glad to be of some help. If you have the time take a look into those videos, they are of some great help. Especially expostion, since almost every writer has this problem when explaining the lore or background in the story.
it good so far I like and I will be watching you
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121206013652/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/f/fe/Horse_gif.gif
and yes it 5:33 in the morning as I comment so I have poo brain
Very well done so far, The main character has a interesting concept, could be better but I won't complain. The story is alright as well, a little cliche with the human in equestria concept, but a concept can be done a million times, the only reason it be good is they try something different and interesting each time. The pacing is very well done to, not to fast, not to slow. Now at this part of the story is a win or die situation, most people would just write at random and add so many characters, concepts and unnessasary information that usually does not go well since it gets confusing and outright annoying. So far you are doing very well and sticking to the lore to the MLP series and not making things confusing. Overall I can't wait to read your next chapter.
P.S: I am not sure why this story is getting so negative reviews, most likely its the spelling mistakes, I usually don't mind that much, as long its not constantly happening and very often. I suggest getting a pre-reader just incase. Another thing could be the human in equestria concept, but I am not entirely sure?
P.S.S: Another Thing I would like to add is I have a blog with 3 videos I have found, that talk about expostion, word use for character and character creation which I beleive would be benificial to your writing. Yes it is on gaming, but the principal is the same.
P.S.S.S: On last thing is a few suggestion to the story, you dont have to follow them, but it would be nice. Please do not have pinkie pie break the 4th wall, that is very annoying to see in a story. Do not make the alicorns immortal, they are just very powerful with magic.
Lastly when it comes to romance, becareful on how fast they fall in love, let the romance build up.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/520/073/eb9.jpg
''often times''? ''OFTEN TIMES''?! WHAT KIND OF SENTENCE IS THAT?!
and the story itself is also just another ''human goes to Equestria'' in the way we've seen it (literally) more than a thousand times before.
3780330
I understand, it was a slight slip up on my part. I was up pretty late when I wrote that part, ergo, often times. I also understand that human in Equestria stories are not uncommon, I simply wanted to try my hand at it. However, that does not nesecitate an overreaction of such caliber. I appreciate constructive criticism, but not negativity. Nonetheless, I thank you for pointing that out, and will get to rewriting that faux-pas posthaste. (Hilarious picture btw.)
this story seems interesting so far. cant wait to see what you have in store for next chapter.
3780266
This is exactly the kind of criticism I prefer from readers. On various other sites, I have often asked people to be honest with their criticisms, though they often turn brutal. I greatly appreciate the help, and thank you for not being one of those, as Pinkie Pie would likely say, "Meanie Weanies".
P.s. The guidelines you wrote about some things I should avoid are BEYOND agreed with. Though I find it comical whenever Pinkie breaks the 4th wall, it loses its charm rather quickly, breaking me out of my submergence into a story, as for immortal alicorns. They. Just. Live. Long. Once again, the concept you suggested is agreed with. I do not want to continue to think about the fact that an Alicorn will end up outliving a human by an eternity and forget about them in the next lifetime. Personally, I feel better off with a large life expectancy rate then just flat out immortality. Everything dies, wether powerful or not. (Though I'll never understand how nightmare moon survived so long on the moon with no food, water, or oxygen. Pinkie Physics on the moon?) Finally, love does indeed take time. Several stories I've read in which a character just magically falls in love with the other in such a short pace. If the relationship is well specified and paced, like detailing a date for example, then its fine however I truly do not want love to be over/under paced. Thank you again, your writer, Brightlight.
3781592
Np, Im glad to be of some help. If you have the time take a look into those videos, they are of some great help. Especially expostion, since almost every writer has this problem when explaining the lore or background in the story.