Practical Effects
Hi! Um, hi. Yes, that’s right, I’m Twilight Sparkle.
Well, I guess it started earlier today. Rarity got the idea in her head that we hadn’t been doing much together recently. Which is utter bologna, of course! We’ve saved the world from everlasting night apocalypses, forestalled an ancient dragon's nap time, and explored a creepy, weepy diamond dog mine!
Huh? Friendship activities that don’t threaten life and limb? Friends do that?
Well, anyway, Rainbow Dash suggested we go to the movies. I was okay with that; I’d been to the cinema a few times since moving to Ponyville. The stories are kinda predictable, but Dash tells me half of the fun is in the visuals. I dunno. I think I prefer imagining the hero slaying the monster over seeing an overpaid actor swing a spear at a papier-mâché manticore.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, my point.
Applejack wanted to see the new superhero movie. I think she’s got kind of a crush on the main actor, Crisper Reed. Or maybe that Russet Crow guy. Rarity was pushing for Love’s Longing Linguini, but I really didn’t want Pinkie Pie to get any pasta-related ideas about love. She’s already convinced that the way to somepony’s heart is through their esophagus.
Huh. A Carb-Counting Courtship. Somepony needs to get to writing that.
The score ended up being Rainbow, Applejack, and me against Rarity and Pinkie, so we went to the superhero flick. Fluttershy abstained from voting, as usual. I have a nagging feeling she wanted to see the nature documentary, but knew we’d be bored out of our skulls. Besides, I can only watch a snake swallow a mouse whole so many times before retching.
Of course all these details are important! Give me a minute to explain!
We paid for our own tickets, naturally enough, but Pinkie wanted to pool resources to get a trough-sized popcorn bucket. I guess it’s a leftover element of my old lifestyle that I feel kinda wary of sharing food. I mean, do you know how many germs can collect on one square inch of hoof? Lots. Billions! Half of them will put you in the hospital, too. Yeah, breaking bread is a real old and classic act of friendship, but I’m convinced that popcorn should never factor into that equation.
Rainbow Dash pretty much drowned out any protest I was able to devise. All of my rational arguments, defeated by a rousing round of “So awesome!” and “Buckets for the bucket god!” I think I saw Rarity slip a container of hoof-sanitizer out of her purse. I resisted the urge to ask her to pour it on the popcorn.
I was slightly appeased after discovering that a single, small bag of popcorn would set me back ten bits. Ten! If that isn’t highway robbery, I don’t know what is! It’s just a bunch of exploded corn kernels! I could harvest and cook them myself if I wanted, and save myself a trip to the cinema.
Speaking of the cinema, I was utterly surprised at the high concentration of foals at the screening. I asked Applejack what the hay they were doing in a movie that was rated “Cutie Marks and Older.” She just shrugged and said that it was mostly up to parental discretion. I can see her now: “C’mon, Twi, it’s just a little hittin’. It’s a good aggressive outlet fer the colts.”
When I asked about the fillies, she mumbled something about Russet Crow and snarfed a hoofful of popcorn.
I feel like every single trailer gives away all the funny parts, gives away all the action scenes, or gives away the ending. It’s weird. Then again, if a trailer doesn’t do all that, then it feels like the movie doesn’t have anything interesting about it. This one trailer was complete blackness, and was basically a narrator mumbling something vague about something abstract. Geeze. I think I’d be laughed out of the publisher’s office if I came to them with a hook like that. Maybe the studio execs have lower expectations, I dunno.
Oh, right. That part. Yeah, I’ve gotten to it.
So there were these two colts sitting in the front row, Snips and Snails. They’re old enough to be young stallions, but they still act like they’re looking for their cutie marks. I swear I saw Snips eat a booger the other day. They were talking through all the previews. I mean nonstop, stream of consciousness, completely inane talking. One moment they were discussing whether Mare-Do-Well could take the Great and Powerful Trixie in a fight, the next they were wondering when the movie would start.
Okay, I was wondering that, too. The movie part, not the Trixie part. But I at least had the manners not to announce my bemusement to the whole theater. I had to chuckle a bit when I saw Rainbow Dash pick up a piece of popcorn and close one eye, like she was planning to toss it at the back of Snails’ head. Applejack batted it out of her grip before she could go through with it. That was kinda disappointing.
The movie was about to start when Rarity’s ears twitched, like she had heard something behind her. She excused herself and wandered two rows up. I watched her take a seat behind her sister and some colt; Button Mash, I think. Sweetie Belle blushed and scrunched herself lower in her chair, but I don’t think Button noticed. He was too busy tapping the arms of his chair like he was playing one of those arcade games of his.
Oh gosh, Snips and Snails. They just. Kept. Talking. All through the opening credits. All through the first scenes. All through the first big action set piece (I could totally see the zipper on the monster, by the way). I was ready to turn them into oranges and be done with it. Their yapping, and their chuckling, and their oohs and ahhs and…
Officer, are these hoofcuffs really necessary? Yeah? Okay.
Pinkie Pie passed the popcorn. Well, more like she passed the popcorn bucket. Empty, of course. She looked at me with pleading blue eyes and a pouting lower lip. How am I supposed to fight that? Those are the real big guns right there. I don’t know a single pony in Ponyville that can say “no” to that face.
She did have a point; I was sitting in an aisle seat, so it would be easier for me to get up and get the refill. I took the bucket and gazed into it, noting the presence of several unpopped kernels. Really? They gave us unpopped kernels? We paid good money for that popcorn and they didn’t even finish their job! It was, like, half-full with unpopped little bits of corn.
Well, I sure wasn’t gonna let those kernels go to waste. I lit my horn and pointed it at the little dipsticks. The kernels, not Snips and Snails. A quick heat spell sent them sizzling and hissing. I was certain they were about to pop up in all their buttery-salty goodness.
Applejack glanced over at me with a raised eyebrow. She asked me what they hay I was doing, but I just told her to wait and see. I felt like a genius! Everypony would get their popcorn, and I wouldn’t have to move until I inevitably needed to use the little fillies’ room. Foolproof.
Imagine my surprise when they burst into flames instead of popping.
What do you mean you could have told me that was gonna happen!? Who’s telling the story, here?
Sorry, Officer. I’ll keep going. No, you don’t need to get the muzzle.
But really, how was I supposed to know reheating kernels was a fire hazard? Horse sense? Huh? Whatever.
Sweetie Belle screamed first. I think most of the other ponies were too entranced by Crisper Reed’s flanks to notice the fire. Rainbow Dash, always the loyal one, bucked the trough-sized popcorn bucket out of my grip before I could get burned. Naturally, because of course it needed to happen, the bucket landed right at the feet of Snips and Snails. Thank the sun, moon, and stars, they finally shut up.
Then the screen started melting in the heat.
Were you around when Ponyville experienced a bunny stampede? Yeah? It was kinda like that, only instead of bunnies it was foals. Poor Fluttershy hid under her seat as the children swarmed around her. Pinkie rode the wave like she was at a rock concert or something. Rainbow Dash tried to put out the fire with a strong wind from her wings, but only succeeded in fanning the flames. I think she was kinda out of it with panic. It happens to the best of us.
Snips and Snails scrambled to their feet and danced around like chickens with their heads cut off. Don’t ask me how I know what that looks like. They crashed into each other and collapsed to the ground. Applejack took it upon herself to carry them out, so that turned out alright.
A few minutes later, the theater was empty except for me, Fluttershy underneath her seat, and Button Mash making “Pew, Pew” noises a couple rows back. I don’t think he ever noticed the fire. I sighed, conjured up a nice little deluge of water, and put out the flames. You’re welcome.
So now that you know what happened, I can go, right? Mystery of the Fire-baked Theater solved, right? You can just take your little keychain and unhook me, right?
What’s this about setting bail?
Dear Princess Celestia,
Public endangerment is a thing, apparently. Please send cash.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
Please excuse me for having just a little bit of fun. 
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I think we'd all be surprised what type of damage can occur from an outing to the movies, heh.
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7488881920/h437F27E6/
Snips and Snails were lucky they weren't set on fire. Shut up and watch the movie!
Perhaps just getting Twilight a Blu-ray player and having movie night at her place would be safer...
3729507 Oh my God, I saw that EXACT same pic posted by this troll called Discord666 on My Little Brony...
That was hilarious.
See, Twilight, the secret is to plan your movie outings at a time when nobody else goes to the theater. Snips and Snails are never there on Sunday morning.
Awesome.
However, I think Twilight was a bit Out of Character (yes, I capitalized it on purpose because I'm to lazy to link you to the TVTropes page, but it IS a trope) because, being the
Mary Suestudy freak she is, she would know that reheating popcorn kernels WILL set them on fire, and that public endangerment IS a thing. So, when you make a serious fic (I know this one was not, but myhypocritical side still makes it feel like I'm about to esplode (yes, I misspelled (yes, it's spelled with 2 s's) it on purpose) if I don't get it out of my system), try to study the characters' personalities a bit more. You got her socially awkward side correct, though.3729507
*Snerk* I can just imagine the Hasbro webmaster hovering his finger over the enter button, knowing the danger that came from releasing such a volatile trailer.
3729976
I physically cringed when writing that part. So much real-life experience.
3731839
Word must be getting around about Dan's vengeance... I'm gonna have to track down an episode of Dan Vs. one of these days.
3732196
Thank you.
I would argue early Monday afternoon to be the superior time, but only if you don't have to be at work. Good matinee prices, too.
3734091
Eeeh... Not so much Out of Character as minor Flanderization for the sake of comedy. I focused on her "socially awkward" side, like you said. Her studiousness still shows, I think, through her constant analyzation of the film and the ponies around her.
I could argue that she's a student of magic, not thermodynamics or law. But it was meant to be silly. She has a narrow subject of expertise, even if she can be a trivialist at times.
Also, I will argue against her being a Mary Sue until the day I die, so be warned.
If you want to see what I can do with Twilight in a serious story, check out either Gray Twilight or Sonata de Equestria. They have more in-depth looks at her character. And, oddly enough, so do the later two stories in the Blueblood's Ascension series.
3730514
Whoops! I must have missed your comment. Drat these tired eyes!
Nah, go for the Ponystation 3. It plays Blu-ray, DVD, and video games. Spike would love it, if Twilight didn't accidentally turn it into a squirrel or something.
Hilarious!
The first-person narrative is a lovely touch.
Yo man! I can HOOK YOU UP!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdGV3bpZ1qU
3741044
Thanks! The first-person narrative was really fun to write, it was like an entire story made up of just dialog!
3742235
Kickin'! Thanks, man!
...
Okay, that was pretty funny. "Carmageddon!"
Now I need to decide if Twilight VS is a brilliant idea, or a terrible idea...
3734623
I know this was meanty to be silly, but like I said, if I don't get it out, I'MA ESPLODE!
3758054
Ack! I could no sooner staunch an active volcano than hold back the tide of advice that flows from ye!
3774888 AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
*BOOM.*
OH NOES
I ESPLODED
I CAN FIX DIS
*.MOOB*
I IMPLODED
SO I'M BACK TOGETHER AGAIN
Excellent! I loved this! It was funny, short and accurate (by which I mean the characters acted as they probably would. I'm a stickler for constantly concise canonical characterization in curious and compelling comedies centered around cinemas in cinders.
4130481
Thank you!
Ah, conciseness. While I wish for wonderful word-choice, words widely wilt to wishy-washy under my watch.
4130563 Sadly, my superior sense of sensational syllable is nothing has slowed to a snail's sluggish slither since the sorrowful sun has set on my short lived singing career.
4130625
Alas, poor Jot and his propensity for perfectionism. Poo-poo to the place he finds himself positioned plot-up! Perhaps it doesn't preclude his production of proper phrase? Prithee, partake of this pastry.
4130854 Methinks I misherd thy missive. A multitude of merry Molestia mentions made by your mindless murmurs.
4130870
Ah. All apologies apace. I'm afraid the aimlessly alliterative alienates acquaintances. You alluded to abashedness, and I attempted to appease.
As always, a forethought could have assisted the afterthought.
In other words, I attempted to say don't get yourself down, but it got lost somewhere between ABC and XYZ.
4130989 Oh. I just read the word plot and pastry in the same area, and I thought
That made me laugh. A lot.
Your silliness is excused.
4243006
It's one of my more indulgent jokes, but I can actually see that happening once Equestria's movie market grows a little bigger.
Oh, thank goodness!
I'll just let myself out.
This is a reason I don't like twilight: she always thinks her methods are right, and in acting on them, she just kills everyone. Self righteous horse.
Oh, good story btw.
4322144
I find Twilight and I share that in common. I don't set theaters on fire, though; I just annoy people.
Thank you very much!
*Grins* Oh Twilight, never change.
You're excused.
You're excused.