In ages long gone, a race of war-like ponies threatened the lives of all who could call themselves Equestrian. Stumbling upon an old reference book, Twilight discovers the true nature of these old ponies, and witnesses the fate of the world change forever.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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"The yellowed pages of the Encyclopedia Historica bellow their dusty gatherings as a lavender unicorn flipped through its pages."
>>avoid slipping into present tense.
"in a land that no Equestrian has never before seen."
>>double negative error
“Oh no, I’ve got this, you sit and read and do your magic stuff[,]”
“Twilight, food’s ready[,]” he
A small smile graced her ivory muzzle[.] “I have faith
'necessary now[,]” Celestia said'
“They sure seem friendly[,]” Twilight remarked
>>punctuation
"Twilight ears perked up"
>>Twilight's ears
“No Twilight, all we can do is wait for it to completely decay"
>>'No, Twilight, ...' (use commas for direct addresses in dialogue)
“I am one of those rulers, it was my sister and I that put the storms in place, and transformed you into ponies so many years ago,”
>>perhaps consider breaking up into multiple sentences
"When I return to my jarl, I will speak of you and what we have discussed here, I must go now, the beaches of the world must know the Varangian footprint once more.">>reads awkwardly, consider splitting up
"Shall there be peace as long as there is trade!">>sounds more like a question than a statement
"May the runes guide you!”[ H]e pounded his gloved fist on his breastplate, and turned briskly back towards his dragon-ship.
Overall feedback: there was some really awesome imagery in there, and the characters all felt very realistic. Celestia's description of the Varangians was a little inconsistent at parts, though.
A good read, definitely worth the time.
338982
I swear, I make the silliest mistakes when I'm tired, thanks for this!
339056
Not a problem.
You are quite the Viking enthusiast. I take it you're not a big fan of Christianity, either. You wouldn't happen to be an Astruist, would you? You even named your character after yourself (or is it the other way around?)
Anyway, the story is interesting, though it seems a little rushed. I guess more background on the previous interactions between the species would have been nice. Also, I don't think Twilight is one to hide from a potential threat, considering she charged a hydra and a dark goddess. Not to mention the fact that she has a princess to impress.
339179
Oh yes, I'm quite the viking weaboo lol. I have no problem with Christians, I was just trying to echo the viking age politico-religious climate. I am not part of the Asatru faith, though I am actively researching and studying esoteric runology and mythology. The name 'Ek Vitki' literally translates from old norse as, 'I, The Magician', so Vitki Rederik would be The Magician Rederik, more of a title than a name really. Vitki was a frequently adopted title by those who practiced the runic magics in that time period, so its the name I use frequently on the interwebs.
Yeah it was a bit rushed, I didn't put more than a couple days into this, I just wanted the idea out of my head. Thank you for the input! Be sure to read the story I actually put effort into, The Longest Journey. It also has vikings, but its much more subtle and doesn't involve any human characters.
Very well written and a nice one-shot.
But if it was me, I would have been more pissed about being forcefully transormed and imprisoned, regardless of the reason. But it's your story, so, whatever floats your boat.
"The ponetic Eddas"
I C WUT U DID THAR
352011
The evil religion was based off of the Christian proliferation, but not necessarily Christianity itself.
And this wasn't meant to be 100% history accurate, I figured having a bit of plate in amongst the chain and furs wouldn't drag the reader away from the story, unless of course they have knowledge of that bit of European history, but yes you are right in that plate armor wasn't widespread at that time. It's nice to hear someone who knows their facts though.
339240
And you sir, I tried to portray the Varangians as being more or less humbled by the experience of ponification. Rederik, an older and wiser man relative to the others, did not necessarily reflect the opinions of the whole race. Some of them were indeed highly pissed off that they were turned into ponies, others not so much. I could have expanded more on that, but this was indeed rushed, and that's what I get for being lazy
I might write a little sequel for this, and if I do I assure you all that I will put much more effort into it than I did this. This was more a test to see how well off I was without my editors, who put an inhuman effort in taking the rough crap that I write and make it look and sound good.
Though I should probably finish that big story I'm writing first.