Every pony that lived in Equestria are now living in a small mansion. They have every thing they need accept for space! The ponies can't live without a leader so they must vote on who they want to rule their mansion. The pony that is chosen wants to fight Nightmare Moon as she has taken over their land. But they lose and Nightmare Moon decides that their failure wasn't enough, so she created the Hunger Games! Only one pony will win, if any of them do...
*Includes multiple characters*
Chapters (1)
Ok first of all mate, its Applejack not Apple Jack,
Secondly,who is this Comet Tail? Your OC? well you better make a backstory for him or else no one is gonna give 2 shakes of a ponies rump about him.
What is this? Are you unsure about if Applejack asked or not? Please fix this
Also where are the Character Tags? you only have nightmare moon and other when in the story there is clearly Rainbow Dash Applejack and Twilight
Ugh. No. Just... no.
Okay, first off -- STOP HAVING EVERYONE YELLING AT EACH OTHER ALL THE BLOODY TIME! Having every line of dialogue being "yelled", "shouted", etc. doesn't do anything for your story; it just aggravates the reader.
Next: As near as I can tell, all of this is taking place in a blank white room. You haven't given us descriptions of anything; the reader has no idea what this house looks like, or what any of the characters look like or what they're doing. We have no idea who your "Comet Tail" character is, what they look like, why they're important to the story, how they even know any of the other ponies, or... anything, really.
Third: You've got spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors all over the place. You need to learn the difference between "to", "two", and "too"; "are" vs. "our"; "there" vs. "their" or "they're"... and the word is spelled "quiet", not "quit." ("Quit" means to stop or give up doing something; "quiet" is the opposite of "loud.") Do not assume that just because the spelling-checker on your computer didn't flag it, that everything's fine -- a spell-checker can only tell you if what you've typed is a word, it can't tell you if it's the right word. The computer can only help you see obvious errors, like typing "peice" when you mean "piece"; if you type "peace" when you meant "piece", it'll happily accept it, even though it's dead wrong.
Fourth: Sorry to say it, love, but yours is only about the zillionth attempt at an MLP/Hunger Games crossover, so you've already got a tough act to follow before you even type your first word. You're going to need to bring something really amazing to the table if you want anyone to care about reading yet another Equestrian Hunger Games story. (Not fair, maybe, but there it is.) Honestly, I'd suggest starting off with something a bit less ambitious (and a lot more original), and work on improving your writing through a few short stories first.
I only see two character tags?