Chapter 1
God, I hope this recorder is working correctly. It's a small implant, but it should be able to store around a thousand hours of me talking, and the transcriber should be working fine. Oh well, on with my story. First off, I'm guessing I should introduce myself, I haven't been wearing this recorder very long, and after nearly eighty years of jumping between dimensions, I should at least record some of the most unusual jumps that I've gone on. First off, there is no organization, there is me. I do this out of my own curiosity, and I make a living doing it. My name is William, and I'm a Adept. I can channel magic. I use it to explore the multiverse. I love doing it, because it's so interesting. I've been channeling for over a hundred years, and yet I look and feel like I did in my mid twenties when I learned I had this ability.
The one other Adept I have met, he found me, and taught me to touch the source, the origin on my power. He also taught me a lot of webs to spin, one of those was traveling. And after some years of simply walking through a simple gateway to get to my destination, whether across town or across an ocean, I wanted to do more. I remember reading about the concept of multiple universes, or the multiverse as some call it. I wanted to know if it was possible to use my gateways to travel not just across distance, but across time and space. And after altering the weave, to the point to where it's actually very different from the standard weave for traveling, I was able to find my first universe. It was exactly like mine, except for one minor difference, the letter J was missing from the alphabet, it sounds very insignificant, but to me, once I had figured I had succeeded, I was the happiest person in existence.
Since then, I've visited thousands of universes. I've been a Rebel watching the Death Star explode, I've been aboard the legendary Starship Enterprise. One thing I found though, with a literal infinite number of universes at my disposal to explore, everything that can be imagined is in existence in one form or another. I've been in the universe for popular books, movies, television shows, even universes where my home universe is a comic book. It's almost too much for even me to understand. I've written down some of my more unusual adventures, but I finally got a recorder and a transcriber that I had implanted.
Well, I decided to try one that has a huge number of fans, yes, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and after watching some of the show, I'll fully admit I've jumped headlong into the Brony community. So, after a few seasons of the show, and watching the huge amount of fanfare on youtube and in fact, all over the internet, I felt I needed to try to visit their world. Now, getting to a universe I've never visited is not easy. I had to examine every episode of the show, I had to get a mental feel of the locations there, where everything is. And very often, the weave falls apart without creating a gateway. So, this time, on my third attempt, a bright flash of light rotated into a large hole in existence. I could feel it, Equestria. Awesome!
I walked through the gateway, and immediately fell to all fours. I looked down, instead of human hands, my arms were legs, and at the end, hooves. Dark gray fur, not too bad. This was not the first time a universe didn't allow my kind of form to exist, some magic endemic to that universe would transform me into whatever the residents are, so I kind of expected it, considering you don't see any humans in this pony universe. So, I'm in Equestria, I look over my form, I notice something different, two wings. Wow, I'm a Pegasus pony, that's even better. I spread the wings and give them an experimental flap. Amazingly easy to get off the ground here, yet the gravity seems the same as what I'm used to. Perhaps some magic endemic to the Pegasi, I can't wait to land on a cloud. I take a few steps, it helps to not think precisely about what I'm doing. I'm not at all steady walking like this, I'm just glad the quadraped form is inherently a stable form.
I look back, I even have a cutie mark, awesome, a lightning bolt with stars around it. Pretty cool right there. Well, time to trot off and explore this world. I know we see a lot of this world, but no television show can even come close to showing everything. I use currents of air to lift my pack from the other side of the gateway, as they pass through they turn into saddle bags, that's even better. I settle them on my back, and there is where I made my mistake. I let go of the gateway. It snaps closed and the moment it winks out of existence, my power is gone. I'm talking completely gone, I can't even feel the source anymore. Now, for an Adept, losing the source in this way, having it cut off can cause them to be burned out, as in never able to channel again. And any time it happens, it's a shock, so with this shock to my system, it knocks me out. I fell to the ground, out cold.
I have no idea how long I'm out, but I wake up in a bed. I did not expect that, but then again, I didn't expect to be completely cut off from the source. Oh God, what am I going to do? I open my eyes slowly, there's an oil lantern on the table. I rotate my head to the side, I see a shape outlined there, a pony shape, and there's a stetson hat on the mare's head. Well, I know who this is. And it's pretty natural for her to have been the one to find me, I planned on my gateway to open up in Sweet Apple Acres. Well, time to bite the bullet. Feign ignorance? Yes, I think so.
“ugh, wha happened?” I mumble.
She shifts, if she was asleep, it was a light doze. She turns up the lantern from a bare glow to filling up the small bedroom with light. She comes closer to me.
“Yeh sure seemed to have a bit of a shock sugar cube. Big Mac nearly tripped over you, didn't even twitch when we got you into the bed. You have a name.”
Sure, I have a name, Willian, but I doubt you would understand any meaning behind it. I know, something simple. “Sparky” I was a sparky once, an electrician, that is.
“Sparky, an unusual name”
You have no idea Apple Jack. “And your name is?”
“Oh, where are my manners, I'm Apple Jack, and you are at Sweet Apple Acres. Most of the family is asleep, or I would introduce you to them, Mr. Sparky”
I chuckle “Just Sparky will do fine Apple Jack. What time is it?”
“It's just after 5 in the morning, the sun will be up in under an hour.”
I jump up, I just tried to touch the source. So more than a bit of panic enters my voice. “I've got to go.”
Very strong hooves hold me down, “It's alright sugar cube, your saddle bags are here, we didn't open them, but they sure were heavy.” She indicates to the corner.
Yes, my bags are there, I reach in and pull out a small handful of gold coins. Wait a second, I just used hooves to pick up small gold coins. The non sequitur stops me in my tracks. How can hooves pick things up? How in the hell did that happen?
“Well, Apple Jack, for your trouble.” I toss the coins on the table by the bed, I've watched the show, I know her type, I know what her reaction would be before I dug out the coins. But I can be stubborn that way.
“Hold it, I don't need your money, I'm simply being neighborly.”
“I know, and I insist, I pay my own way, you can keep the gold, or throw it out, but it's yours to do with as you please. If you think it's too much, leave it on the table, and if I have need of a bed to sleep in during my stay here, I will drop in. Sound good?”
She looks at the pile of coins glittering, from the look in her eyes, it's a fortune to her. “These aren't bits, these are full on gold crowns, I have no idea how many bits this would be. Tell you what, you could visit a nice hotel in Canterlot for a good year with this amount, I'll take one of these coins, and you keep the rest.”
I smile back at her, “Not a chance, I've got plenty of gold, and I know where to get more when I need it, as I said, I pay my own way, if you don't want them, bury them, throw them down a well, melt them down and make yourself a pretty necklace, but I will not be taking them back.” I start out the door, down the stairs, and by luck, find the front door. I'm finally out of her house. While I like all of the Mane six, I have to figure out what to do.
I'm stranded in a world that I'm not a part of, my magic is completely gone, and I'm absolutely terrified. As I'm heading down the path to the main gate, I hear another pony trotting behind me, it's Apple Jack. She's following me, I break into a trot, then a full canter, she's catching up, and she doesn't look at all winded. Panicking, I flee in a full on gallop, but that sturdy earthy pony catches right up to me. After a good mile I'm completely winded. I stop, sweat streaming down my sides, I lower my head and just try to breathe. She comes up “Nice race, I never expected a Pegasus without their wings bound to want to run any distance, and you are pretty fast for an airborne pony. Now do you want to tell my why you are in such a blasted hurry?”
After a moment I'm able to pant out. “It's a long and complicated story.”
“And you don't want to tell me right now?”
“Not particularly”
A low chuckle from the orange pony with apples on her flank. “Well then, you can simply tell me in your own good time. Where are you trying to go sugar cube?”
“You live in a farm, that means there's a town nearby, and this path seems well traveled, so I'm guessing this is the way to town?” Of course I know the general way to Ponyville, I’ve only watched every episode of the show you are one of the stars of...
“That would be correct, that way is Ponyville. I've got to head there myself this morning, want to go with me?”
Not particularly “Sure.”
We head off, after a few minutes, she looks at me. “So, are you from around these parts?”
“No”
“You here on business, or pleasure?”
“Both”
After a few more questions she gets the hint, she remains quiet during the rest of the trot to Ponyville. I'm trying to take everything in. One thing that is big is that the details are not at all shown in the cartoon show. The apples on the trees are beautiful, the leaves on those trees are incredibly detailed. I'm quite glad the world isn't as visually simple as is implied in the cartoon. The path is gravel, but in excellent repair. And the town itself, as we come to Ponyville, is actually breathtaking. It's like any other thriving small town, everything is clean, in the pre-dawn there are a few ponies up and about, but for the most part, it's quiet. We stop in front of a general store.
“This is where I've got to go this morning Sparky. Will you be back at the farm later?”
I think about it for a moment, “I think I will, thank you, Apple Jack, for your hospitality.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.017 seconds
Total duration
626 users online
1,052,428 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Interesting concept I'd like to see how it develops.
Ok, I won't downvote it since it's not my forte, but I will give it a full review. You deserve that much at least.
For starters, your paragraphs. They start out single space then go to double space near then end. For some reason, ppl like double space. So just add an extra space.
Main reason ppl won't like your story: your OC. He can go into dimensions? No reasons why? No backstory? We just have to accept it as it is? People will be turned off by this, downvote, and won't say why. But I believe this has a major role in the dislikes.
Need capitalization and a comma. Should look like this. "Ugh, wha happened," I mumble.
Change comma to a semicolon.
name?" she asked. This lets the reader know who is speaking ATM.
Soooo, is he speaking out loud? Is he thinking this? You need to let us know if he's thinking this or saying it out loud. This confuses the reader.
“Well, Apple Jack, for your trouble.” I toss the coins on the table by the bed, I knew what her reaction would be before I dug out the coins. Ehhh, this is what I mean. You know how she'll react before the scene comes up. This is showing that your OC is waaaayyyyy too powerful and all-knowing.
Other factors
Should be: He has a problem when he arrived in Ponyville; he is without his powers. Now without them, he is dependent on them to help him find his way home. Will he be able to escape this fate?
Something like that.
Also, grammatical errors. Missed commas, periods, etc. I would recommend an editor since these details can truly drag down a story.
Proofreader Group
School for New Writers
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editorsrus These links should help. Well, good day to you and hopefully this helped.
Being a fan of the wheel, maybe I'm biased, but so far I like your story. I look forward to reading the rest as I have time.
I see that the author is a fan of multiverse theory. I don't find a lot of those, and I must say I'm proud to be one myself. There's a side theory I like to propose to anyone who'll listen.
*bonus points to anyone who gets the reference without looking at the spoiler*
-Samantha Carter, Stargate SG1 (not sure how to properly source a tv show)
By this logic, if each universe exists in parallel, they may never meet except through extreme circumstances. Like with our own star, a fluke event can happen quite a bit on a large enough scale. Suppose many of these universes have come into contact in a way proposed by this story. That would mean, based on the number of probable outcomes and the fact that multiverse theory limits the infinite number only to those we can imagine, there are an infinite number of universes in which William both exists, and made a conscious effort to go to Equestria. This also means, by extension, that there is a universe in which the mirror portal exists, and a co-universe for each one that possesses said quantum mirror.
That means there's an infinitely small chance that traveling between Earth and Equestria is 'canon' to our universe.
That also means that every world you write about, you create simply through that act, and living vicariously through such great adventures is my favorite pastime. That's the biggest reason I write.
Sorry about all that! Anyway, back to your story, the fact that you entertain multiverse theory gives this a sci-fi feel that I love. Also, however shameless it may be, I like the idea of a brony consciously traveling to Equestria, but mainly because of the scifi babble above. I can see that this is relatively early work of yours, but it's not bad enough to warrant the number of downvotes it already has and for that, I'm sorry. (especially because I ended up using the same idea without realizing that you had done it first.)
About your OC, I admit that being overpowered is a flaw like the other guy said, but I did it too so I have no room to talk. You also have more writing experience and I wouldn't dare challenge that. However, I can provide the positive things about Sparky:
He was once human, which means it's a flag to those who have certain views about HiE stories. I don't see them as cheesy or self-inserting as others may, so I didn't have any problem coming across that tag.
He has no power in this world and the description hints that he wants to return home. I find that the thing that turns people off is wish fulfillment, and again, I don't have a problem with that.
[I tried to find a clip of the movie Click with Morty telling Michael that 'good guys deserve a break once in a while', but couldn't find it, so I'm paraphrasing.]
Still, I like it. I'm going to continue.
5284222 I wasn't clear about the star thing.
Our star isn't hot enough to fuse hydrogen into helium, but rarely such a reaction occurs anyway. It's a fluke, but because the scale is so large, it can happen quite a bit.
P.s. I don't need to tell you where to improve because you're writing now is already phenomenal. I've caught up with the Quantum Leap crossover, but I don't think I said anything about it yet. I watched an episode after reading and it was kind of nice. I still need to read Xenophilia, but the length is intimidating.
I think it's important to note that your conversations aren't awkward and your grammar skills are above average. I won't compare your work to others because I don't want to offend you or them, but just know that I've been beating myself up over reading a fanfiction with nothing but awkward relationship drama. You're really good at making an unpopular concept enjoyable s far.