Pony of a Different Color

by Sparky Brony

Chapter 9.

I'm still shaken by Luna's words. “Maybe I should leave.”

Twilight whirls around to face me. “Don't you dare break Rainbow Dash's heart. These last few months she has been the happiest mare in Ponyville.”

Celestia and Cadence come to stand next to Twilight. Celestia speaks up, “Do you return Rainbow Dash's feelings Sparky?”

I think about the last few months. “Yes Princess. I never thought I would have a pony mare friend in my life, but here we are, and I am crazy about her.”

“Then why don't you tell her the good news.” Cadence says.

“I'm going to find my bed, for some reason, I’m exhausted.” Twilight tries to cover a yawn as she's heading up the stairs with Cadence and Celestia. I sit for a moment to think.

I have Saidin, since I've gained my power back, I haven't let go of it. Even holding Saidin is a battle, I must seize it, I must master it, and if I make a mistake I can lose it, or worse. I relish the battle with it now. After nearly six months, it comes back to me like it had never left. I'm about as happy as I can be. I glance at the clock. It's mid afternoon now, must have taken longer than I thought for them to fill the well. But it worked. And that's all that matters. I'm going to have to train Twilight in using this new power she has access to. And stallions are not the best for training mares in channeling. But now I have access to my world. I know where to get the reference materials that I learned from. They involve learning both sides. I open a gateway to my apartment.

I leave the gateway open as I stroll through my demolished apartment. Those bastards took everything they could get their mitts on. Virtually nothing is left. I smile, they don't know everything. I walk to the back wall, it's apparently poured concrete, and it's actually a very clever illusion spell. I open the spell and reach in to grab some books. I have to stop. I have hands again. I wiggle my hands in front of my eyes, yes. They are real. After six months of hooves, standing upright on feet with hands again is completely weird to me. The temptation to stay here is strong. But back in Ponyville is a much better reason to stay. So I grab a handful of books. I hear a step behind me. I whirl around, use flows of Air to slam her into the wall.
“Dad!!!” I immediately drop her.

“Leanne, what in the holy Hell are you doing in my apartment?”

“I've taken a sabbatical from college, I wanted to visit you.” She points to her bags on the floor by the front door.

“Sweetie, you have the absolute best timing I have ever known. I just stepped through a gateway a few minutes ago.”

“Oh, you are jumping around again? Figures.” I get goosebumps on my skin as she embraces the source. She picks up some trash with flows of air, and makes a clean place for her to sit.

“You remember my e-mail nearly a year ago that I told you that I finally watched the show you wanted me to see.”

“Yes, so... you watched My Little Pony. But you said it was a show for little girls.”

“And what did you say in response.”

She rolled her green eyes, and tossed her long blonde hair to the side. “It may be intended for little girls, but the show was made with a much broader audience in mind.”

“And you were right. Well, come with me.” I led her into the room with the gateway in it.

“Is that where I think it is?”

“Yes, that's Twilight Sparkles tree library basement.”

My daughter turned to me with a huge smile, she started bouncing up and down. “I want to go in. Can I Dad?”

“Well, there are a few things to tell you first.” I tell her about how I was trapped and unable to use Saidin, that earned a shiver from her. I told her everything. After I finally wound down, she looked at me.

“So, what kind of pony are you?”

“A Pegasus.”

“And you are now in a relationship with Rainbow Dash?”

“Uhhh, yeah.” I looked down.

She put her hand on my shoulder. “Mom would be happy. She's been dead a long time. She told me before she died to make sure you found someone to make your life complete again. Then again, I never thought it would be Rainbow Dash. But it doesn't matter. I see how you are when you talk about her, is she like her character on TV?”

“Well, yes and no. She's got all the same traits, but she's even more Rainbow Dash than on TV. It's kinda crazy. And she's super smart, smarter than I gave her character credit for. She's so sweet. I can't wait to step back through the gateway.”

“What will we do if La Rouche comes back, Dad?” she draws herself up to her full height of 5', my little girl has stayed little. But she's an adult now. The slowing came quickly when she started channeling. She looks like a teenager, yet she's nearly fifty years old. I've taught her some of the weaves for battle. But I can't teach her that much, because woman's magic works differently than mine. I have taught her how to make the inter-dimensional gateway though.

“We will deal with him. I am going to kill that son of a bitch some day.” I stand up with my daughter, I grab her hand to pull her into a hug. “I'm really glad you came sweetie.”

I can feel her response in my chest. “I'm glad to be here too. Now, let's go visit the ponies.”

We walk together to the gateway, then I squeeze her hand and then let go. I walk through, land on all fours. I turn to her, she walks through and she lands on her brand new hooves. Wow, how cute. She's all white, with nice long wings, her mane is two shades of yellow. Quite cute. She's quite a bit shorter than I am. Almost filly size, but I can tell she's mature. Hmmm, interesting.

“So, what do you think?”

She prances around. “I can't believe I'm going to meet Fluttershy.” She starts bouncing up and down. With flows of Air, I grab her things from their pile by the door, and drag everything through the gateway. As I let the gateway dissipate, I pick up her stuff again.

“Where are you going to live while you are here Leanne?”

Oh, you aren't going to call me by that name Dad? We are in Equestria. I need an appropriate name. What are you called here?”

I smile. “Sparky”

“That fits.” A laugh from my daughter. “And you should call me...... moonshine.”

“That doesn't sound very Equestrian sweetie.”

Another laugh from my daughter. “I don't care, it's the name I want.”

“Alright,.Moonshine it is.” I take another look at her. What was she thinking when she stepped through the gateway, except for the idea of visiting Fluttershy. I focus on her cutie mark. A crescent moon surrounded by stars. What a look for my daughter. I'm floating her things behind us as we head upstairs. We make it outside the library. I turn to head towards Rainbow Dash's home. But I don't make it very far.

Three sets of hooves wrap themselves around me as I'm bowled over. As I'm rolling I hear “HelloSparkyhaveyouseenRainbowDashtoday?” I shake my head to clear it. I focus my eyes on Scootaloo who has her face right in front of my face, from what I can feel, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are attached to each foreleg while I'm stuck on my back with Scootaloo's smiling face. I hear my daughter giggle as I smile at the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“Actually squirt, I'm heading to find her myself.” I'm barely finished with the sentence when all three of the CMC jump off of me and jump at my daughter. All three stop in mid air and hang. I know I'm not doing it.

“Well, hello there Crusaders.” My daughter says pleasantly. She keeping her inner fangirl tamped down I can see. The CMC floats down to the ground. “I just got here, and I really don't need a tumble right now girls. I am pleased to finally meet you.”

Triple expressions of confusion reign on their faces. I move next to my daughter. “Girls, this is my daughter. While she is here, she wants to be called Moonshine.”

“Your daughter? Cool. You are from the same world that Sparky is from?” from Apple Bloom suddenly smiles wide. All three of the Crusaders start jumping around my daughter.

Apple Bloom stops bouncing and looks thoughtful. “Are yah sayin you've got your power back Sparky?”

I chuckle, “Yes, Twilight was able to give me my power back.” What I did during the battle is general knowledge around Ponyville. Some of the residents have given me a wide berth, but the CMC is one of the exceptions. Especially Scootaloo since I'm always with Rainbow Dash, she has sort of adopted me as her big brother.

“Woohoo, another visitor. We've got a new friend to play with.”

I sheepishly look at my daughter. “I sometimes occupy my day with them. They are quite fun to spend time with. And a little scary. Some of their adventures while trying to get their cutie marks are quite hair raising.”

She laughs. “I can guess, Dad.” She looks at the fillies bouncing around her.

“Am I interrupting anything?” Fluttershy lands in front of us. I look over at my daughter. I know who her favorite in this world is. And having her land there in the flesh is going to be too much for her.

“Nothing at all Fluttershy, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Well, uhh....Eep” anything else she wants to say is interrupted by her ducking as my daughter jumps to tackle her. I seize Saidin and grab my daughter much as she grabbed the CMC moments earlier.

“Now Moonshine, you need to contain yourself. You know of Fluttershy, and now you can say hi to her.”

I set my daughter down and she says sheepishly, “Hello Fluttershy, you are the cutest pony in the whole world, I think your awesome.”

Fluttershy looks at me, I know this shy pony has no clue what is going on. I introduce her to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy looks at me. “So, you have your powers back Sparky?”

I smile, “yes, and my daughter wanted to visit, she's the one who got me hooked on your world.”

“Well...” she looks down, tracing patterns in the dirt. She slowly gathers her confidence. “Any friend of my friend here is my friend as well.” She ended it with a huge smile. Moonshine sqeeed and jumped at Fluttershy, I've never seen a pony give another such an enthusiastic hug.

I let it go on for quite a bit. “Allright sweetie, I wanted Rainbow to be the first to find out the good news.” I turn to walk towards Rainbow's home. “Come with me, I keep telling everypony else but the one I really want to.”

“And who do you want to tell what?” I hear from above. And none other than Rainbow Dash lands right in front of me. That earned a big smile from me.

“This is the second time today someone has had perfect timing Rainbow Dash.” I point back. “I would like you to meet my daughter.” My daughter comes up, sits down and puts out a hoof to be shaken. Rainbow is having none of that. She grabs my daughter up in a huge embrace and twirls her around in the air.

“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, I get to finally meet you.” She loops around with my daughter yelping and trying to stammer out a greeting. “Your dad has told me so much about you. I can't believe that you are here.” She lands and puts my daughter down surprisingly gently, then turns to me. “So, are you saying that Twilight wanting you here this morning means...”

I smile hugely. “Yes Dashie, she was able to, with the help of every Princess of Equestria, to open a gateway and I've got my power back.”

“That is so awesome.” I find myself, my daughter, and Rainbow all of a sudden in a huge embrace. Apparently she's really happy, I look down and in moments we are a good hundred feet up in the air. She lets us go, I grab Moonshine, she's flailing with her wings, she doesn't have a clue how to fly yet. We float down to the ground. As Rainbow is celebrating, I sit and watch her. What an amazing pony she is.

“Yes, she is.” Moonshine intones.

I look at her, startled. “Did I say that last out loud.”

A giggle, “You didn't have to say it, Dad. I could see the look on your face, it's the exact same look you had when you looked at Mom when you were thinking how amazing she was.”

A thump from in front of me. Rainbow grabs me again. “We need to find Pinkie Pie, this deserves a party.”

As if summoned, the pink pony shows up. “The party is about to start.”

“Wait.” I turn to Pinkie Pie. “How in the hell did you know that we needed a party.”
“Come on, silly. I always know when a party needs to be thrown.”

“Because you are Pinkie Pie.” I laugh.

She laughs back, “Of course I am. Who else would I be?”

Well, I can't dispute that logic.

I gather up my daughter, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy and we head to Sugarcube Corner.

Author's Note:

I've been pretty busy writing. I'm going to post a couple of chapters today, I think.

Comments

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I must say, when I started to read this story, I didn't see why it had so many downvotes. I opened the first chapter expecting terrible spelling, appalling grammar, and strange ponies dressed in familiar skins. I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't get that.

To my mind, the troubles only started a few chapters in, when La Rouche and his mooks made their first entrance. And they were, in fact, the first of the problems. The problem with them is entirely that they were mooks; unredeemably evil characters whose only purpose in the story is to be killed by the heroes. A couple of chapters later, Sparky explains later that he killed them because they'd killed someone while searching for him; that is, they killed one person and he promptly killed hundreds of them. If death is to be repaid by death, then what of Sparky himself? The mooks are not treated as people; they are treated more as evil cardboard cutouts, to be cut down.

And somehow, everypony simply accepts that they are unredeemably evil. No-one asks if they all want to be there - no-one even considers the possibility (unlikely as it may be) that some of these soldiers are there because, for example, they honestly believe they're trying to capture a mass murderer, someone who's killed hundreds of their number before, and who they think will continue to kill until stopped. I have no complaint with how the ponies fought - you avoided the mistake of having them simply stand aside and watch your character beat up the mooks, which is good. What came as more of a surprise was that they were so quick to resort to lethal force, not even suggesting a diplomatic approach first. (A diplomatic approach under a shielding spell, of course).

So, that was the point where the story started to sour, for me.

The second point where I had trouble, was in the romance with Rainbow Dash. The problem being, there wasn't any actual romance involved. Just, without warning, "oh we shared our memories and now we're in love". That... doesn't work. It's telling, not showing. You're just telling us that it's happening; you're not showing us why it happens.

The third major problem that I find in this story is, again, a case of telling and not showing. You've told us that Luna has an irrational dislike of the OC. You haven't shown us why Luna has an irrational dislike of the OC. It just... doesn't seem to work nicely.

The fourth major problem lies in the introduction of his daughter. Consider; Sparky has just got back to his apartment. Months ago, the Mooks raided his apartment, took everything they could find, and followed him from there to Equestria. They were thrown out of Equestria, but Sparky and the Mane Six were unable to follow them out of Equestria.

Now, that's all fair enough so far. But then the plot holes suddenly all pile up, when he returns to his apartment.

- Why does he not immediately run into a hail of Mook gunfire? Why does he not take some basic precautions in case they are waiting for him?
- Why have the Mooks not boobytrapped his home with explosives, or perhaps some sort of sleeping gas if they want to take him alive?
- Why haven't they taken apart the building to check for hidden rooms?
- Why haven't they traced his daughter and tried to capture her already?
- Why was his daughter not at least a little bit worried about the fact that he'd been missing, not answering calls or emails, for several months?
- Why hadn't she come by his apartment earlier, looking for him to find out why he's not answering the phone, and found the mess then?

It's at more-or-less this point that the sudden accumulation of plot holes made me decide not to read the rest of the story. I won't be giving you a downvote - mainly on the basis of the first few chapters - but I do think that these may be part of the reasons why so many others have done so.

Now, I do believe that you can improve on this story, and rather dramatically, by keeping in mind two basic principles:

1. Everyone's a character. Some characters have more lines, some have fewer lines; but everyone who plays a major part in the story should have their own motivations, and they should act according to them. It's alright for someone to be offstage for a while; but you, as the author, should keep track of why major characters are off-stage and what they are doing in furtherance of their individual aims at this time. (It's alright for the villain to make some really stupid mistakes on occasion; but they shouldn't be glaringly obvious to the reader, like leaving that apartment unguarded). Importantly, even the villain's footsoldiers are characters; at least a few of them need to have some reason to be there beyond "I'm evil, mua-ha-ha". Very, very few people actually consider themselves evil; it's therefore very difficult to get away with more than one or maybe two villains like that. Not hundreds. I mean, consider that manticore, back in the first episode; it didn't attack the mane six because it was evil, it attacked them because it was hurting, and striking out at anything that moved nearby. Or the dragon in Dragonshy; it just wanted a place to sleep. Or the Changelings; they didn't invade Canterlot because of evilness, they invaded Canterlot in order to find something to eat.

2. Show, don't tell. You do quite a bit of showing, so I know you can do it; but you still do a bit too much telling.