I'm an electrician working in Fargo, ND. I love writing pony stories, and reading good fanfiction. My Patreon!
Ponyville has a new visitor. From not just another world, but a completely different universe. One problem though, by coming to Ponyville, he's lost his powers, and it's up to the Mane 6 to help him get home. Will they help him? Can they actually help?
On another note. If any of you are artistically inclined, I would love a cover pic. Of course full credit for the art goes to the artist.
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Interesting concept I'd like to see how it develops.
Anyone who's posting downvotes, could you please tell me why?
Ok, I won't downvote it since it's not my forte, but I will give it a full review. You deserve that much at least.
For starters, your paragraphs. They start out single space then go to double space near then end. For some reason, ppl like double space. So just add an extra space.
Main reason ppl won't like your story: your OC. He can go into dimensions? No reasons why? No backstory? We just have to accept it as it is? People will be turned off by this, downvote, and won't say why. But I believe this has a major role in the dislikes.
Need capitalization and a comma. Should look like this. "Ugh, wha happened," I mumble.
Change comma to a semicolon.
name?" she asked. This lets the reader know who is speaking ATM.
Soooo, is he speaking out loud? Is he thinking this? You need to let us know if he's thinking this or saying it out loud. This confuses the reader.
“Well, Apple Jack, for your trouble.” I toss the coins on the table by the bed, I knew what her reaction would be before I dug out the coins. Ehhh, this is what I mean. You know how she'll react before the scene comes up. This is showing that your OC is waaaayyyyy too powerful and all-knowing.
Other factors
Should be: He has a problem when he arrived in Ponyville; he is without his powers. Now without them, he is dependent on them to help him find his way home. Will he be able to escape this fate?
Something like that.
Also, grammatical errors. Missed commas, periods, etc. I would recommend an editor since these details can truly drag down a story.
Proofreader Group
School for New Writers
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editorsrus These links should help. Well, good day to you and hopefully this helped.
What is this a crossover of?
Not really a crossover of anything, perhaps I should remove that tag.
I must say, when I started to read this story, I didn't see why it had so many downvotes. I opened the first chapter expecting terrible spelling, appalling grammar, and strange ponies dressed in familiar skins. I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't get that.
To my mind, the troubles only started a few chapters in, when La Rouche and his mooks made their first entrance. And they were, in fact, the first of the problems. The problem with them is entirely that they were mooks; unredeemably evil characters whose only purpose in the story is to be killed by the heroes. A couple of chapters later, Sparky explains later that he killed them because they'd killed someone while searching for him; that is, they killed one person and he promptly killed hundreds of them. If death is to be repaid by death, then what of Sparky himself? The mooks are not treated as people; they are treated more as evil cardboard cutouts, to be cut down.
And somehow, everypony simply accepts that they are unredeemably evil. No-one asks if they all want to be there - no-one even considers the possibility (unlikely as it may be) that some of these soldiers are there because, for example, they honestly believe they're trying to capture a mass murderer, someone who's killed hundreds of their number before, and who they think will continue to kill until stopped. I have no complaint with how the ponies fought - you avoided the mistake of having them simply stand aside and watch your character beat up the mooks, which is good. What came as more of a surprise was that they were so quick to resort to lethal force, not even suggesting a diplomatic approach first. (A diplomatic approach under a shielding spell, of course).
So, that was the point where the story started to sour, for me.
The second point where I had trouble, was in the romance with Rainbow Dash. The problem being, there wasn't any actual romance involved. Just, without warning, "oh we shared our memories and now we're in love". That... doesn't work. It's telling, not showing. You're just telling us that it's happening; you're not showing us why it happens.
The third major problem that I find in this story is, again, a case of telling and not showing. You've told us that Luna has an irrational dislike of the OC. You haven't shown us why Luna has an irrational dislike of the OC. It just... doesn't seem to work nicely.
The fourth major problem lies in the introduction of his daughter. Consider; Sparky has just got back to his apartment. Months ago, the Mooks raided his apartment, took everything they could find, and followed him from there to Equestria. They were thrown out of Equestria, but Sparky and the Mane Six were unable to follow them out of Equestria.
Now, that's all fair enough so far. But then the plot holes suddenly all pile up, when he returns to his apartment.
- Why does he not immediately run into a hail of Mook gunfire? Why does he not take some basic precautions in case they are waiting for him?
- Why have the Mooks not boobytrapped his home with explosives, or perhaps some sort of sleeping gas if they want to take him alive?
- Why haven't they taken apart the building to check for hidden rooms?
- Why haven't they traced his daughter and tried to capture her already?
- Why was his daughter not at least a little bit worried about the fact that he'd been missing, not answering calls or emails, for several months?
- Why hadn't she come by his apartment earlier, looking for him to find out why he's not answering the phone, and found the mess then?
It's at more-or-less this point that the sudden accumulation of plot holes made me decide not to read the rest of the story. I won't be giving you a downvote - mainly on the basis of the first few chapters - but I do think that these may be part of the reasons why so many others have done so.
Now, I do believe that you can improve on this story, and rather dramatically, by keeping in mind two basic principles:
1. Everyone's a character. Some characters have more lines, some have fewer lines; but everyone who plays a major part in the story should have their own motivations, and they should act according to them. It's alright for someone to be offstage for a while; but you, as the author, should keep track of why major characters are off-stage and what they are doing in furtherance of their individual aims at this time. (It's alright for the villain to make some really stupid mistakes on occasion; but they shouldn't be glaringly obvious to the reader, like leaving that apartment unguarded). Importantly, even the villain's footsoldiers are characters; at least a few of them need to have some reason to be there beyond "I'm evil, mua-ha-ha". Very, very few people actually consider themselves evil; it's therefore very difficult to get away with more than one or maybe two villains like that. Not hundreds. I mean, consider that manticore, back in the first episode; it didn't attack the mane six because it was evil, it attacked them because it was hurting, and striking out at anything that moved nearby. Or the dragon in Dragonshy; it just wanted a place to sleep. Or the Changelings; they didn't invade Canterlot because of evilness, they invaded Canterlot in order to find something to eat.
2. Show, don't tell. You do quite a bit of showing, so I know you can do it; but you still do a bit too much telling.
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Thank you so much CCC for a very informative critique. I plan, after I finish A New Teacher to go through this story and clean it up, a lot. And with your critique, I'll have a wonderful bit of information to edit the story, and rewrite problem parts with your suggestions. I never even thought of how Sparky would be viewed because he goes in no holds barred. I can certainly add some nuance to the story, and maybe give Sparky more of a reason than "these are the bad guys and must be eliminated."
And as to the romance between RD and Sparky. I thought the intimacy between them because of the spell would be enough. I can write some to build more into it. Thank you so much.
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isn't his magic influenced very much from the wheel of time serie of books
This is why i never use the vote buttons and prefer to leave a comment.
Right my opinion of the story is; its a good story, and i would like to maybe see a sequel about what happens next when they go to take care of the big bad boss?.
4467246 I'm glad you like the story, it's been brought to my attention that there are multiple plot problems, and I'm addressing them, with the aid of my editor. I do plan on a sequel after I've polished this story up, and worked on improving my writing. I want the sequel to be ten times better.
4466281 Yes, Sparky's magic is based on the True Source from the Wheel of Time. I like the limitations imposed on that magic, though I am stretching the bounds a bit.
Being a fan of the wheel, maybe I'm biased, but so far I like your story. I look forward to reading the rest as I have time.
4569318 Thank you, Just so you know, I'm doing a rewrite of the story from beginning to end, addressing some concerns that have been brought up in the comments and other places. Feel free to read as much of the story as you wish, just be aware there will be significant changes when I get those changes done. (Though the basic plot will not be changing)
THIS STORY IS AWESOME!! RAINBOW DASH AWESOME XD
I hate that tour older work does get the attention it deserves.
You get an upvote!
I am either surprised or disappointed in all the readers out hear on this site.
here is a story that is shaping up to be really good and there is not so much as one comment.
I vaguely remember a copal mornings like that, or I think I do .
vary touching I was thinking rd was pregnant but mirage is better.
I think you should all be ashamed!
sparky brony has turned out a masterpiece in this story, I admit it seams a bit rough around the edges but to wright about all out war in the land of equestrian it needs to be that way.
I will encourage sparky brony to come back to this story as time permits as I am more then sure he is more then up to the sequel so we all know how the fight is going to save every pony.
harts fire
I see that the author is a fan of multiverse theory. I don't find a lot of those, and I must say I'm proud to be one myself. There's a side theory I like to propose to anyone who'll listen.
*bonus points to anyone who gets the reference without looking at the spoiler*
-Samantha Carter, Stargate SG1 (not sure how to properly source a tv show)
By this logic, if each universe exists in parallel, they may never meet except through extreme circumstances. Like with our own star, a fluke event can happen quite a bit on a large enough scale. Suppose many of these universes have come into contact in a way proposed by this story. That would mean, based on the number of probable outcomes and the fact that multiverse theory limits the infinite number only to those we can imagine, there are an infinite number of universes in which William both exists, and made a conscious effort to go to Equestria. This also means, by extension, that there is a universe in which the mirror portal exists, and a co-universe for each one that possesses said quantum mirror.
That means there's an infinitely small chance that traveling between Earth and Equestria is 'canon' to our universe.
That also means that every world you write about, you create simply through that act, and living vicariously through such great adventures is my favorite pastime. That's the biggest reason I write.
Sorry about all that! Anyway, back to your story, the fact that you entertain multiverse theory gives this a sci-fi feel that I love. Also, however shameless it may be, I like the idea of a brony consciously traveling to Equestria, but mainly because of the scifi babble above. I can see that this is relatively early work of yours, but it's not bad enough to warrant the number of downvotes it already has and for that, I'm sorry. (especially because I ended up using the same idea without realizing that you had done it first.)
About your OC, I admit that being overpowered is a flaw like the other guy said, but I did it too so I have no room to talk. You also have more writing experience and I wouldn't dare challenge that. However, I can provide the positive things about Sparky:
He was once human, which means it's a flag to those who have certain views about HiE stories. I don't see them as cheesy or self-inserting as others may, so I didn't have any problem coming across that tag.
He has no power in this world and the description hints that he wants to return home. I find that the thing that turns people off is wish fulfillment, and again, I don't have a problem with that.
[I tried to find a clip of the movie Click with Morty telling Michael that 'good guys deserve a break once in a while', but couldn't find it, so I'm paraphrasing.]
Still, I like it. I'm going to continue.
5284222 I wasn't clear about the star thing.
Our star isn't hot enough to fuse hydrogen into helium, but rarely such a reaction occurs anyway. It's a fluke, but because the scale is so large, it can happen quite a bit.
P.s. I don't need to tell you where to improve because you're writing now is already phenomenal. I've caught up with the Quantum Leap crossover, but I don't think I said anything about it yet. I watched an episode after reading and it was kind of nice. I still need to read Xenophilia, but the length is intimidating.
I think it's important to note that your conversations aren't awkward and your grammar skills are above average. I won't compare your work to others because I don't want to offend you or them, but just know that I've been beating myself up over reading a fanfiction with nothing but awkward relationship drama. You're really good at making an unpopular concept enjoyable s far.
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You are going to make me blush!
But I've reread the story, and I'm quite certain that I jumped the shark quite a bit later in the story. I did try to make the story enjoyable, but I'm quite aware that william/sparky is a gary stu. But that being said, I did enjoy rereading it, and I did try to put the challenge for the character be an actual challenge, not something he could roll over without any effort. And I know I got some characters OOC. But this is on my list of things to rewrite-edit. So, eventually it will be fixed.
In my experience, if a sentence starts with a question word, but isn't a question, it's an exclamation. There's a small difference between.
'What an amazing town.' and 'What an amazing town!'
Unless Sparky's magic is chaos, I find it hard to believe it would react with Twilight's in such a way. I think it would be better if Twilight couldn't find the problem, and if she were more wary of a strange pony entering the library and talking about scifi stuff. Whether it's good for the pace or not, he has to convince her that he's not crazy.
*pulls up her hot cocoa, and dives in.* Ok lets start this.
put this one on hold, not bad on on chap too but need to do the Irony story line, part of the 5score set up :)
i love is stroy
He feels like a gary sue.
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Same. Gary is a fun pony to read
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He did end up being one. First story and all that. I have learned.
> Anyone who's posting downvotes, could you please tell me why?
I can't say. I'm not casting a downvote or an upvote yet; I'm interested, and reading.
If this is based on another series, I don't know it. What I see is a very powerful, almost marty-sue type of character, suddenly cut-off from their power source. Suddenly not-so-marty sue, he does the obvious: Go to the one pony most likely able to help, and spill the beans.
That's a sign of an intelligent character, fully knowing their problem, and trying to solve it as fast as possible. Time limit, possible loss of sanity, no expectation that he can just settle down and live there.
He's traded magic for flight; he went from being very good at magic to very good at flight. But that's one skill, and it won't help him long-term. He's almost overpowered in flight (Rainbow made it clear that she still outclasses him; he'd probably give the Thundercolts a run for their money).
A strong character? Yes.
A sense of "Most interesting day of his life"? Yes.
A conflict to resolve? Yes.
Does the character have flaws? Problems?
We haven't seen them yet, but it's early.
Maybe the down voters wanted to see the flaws from chapter one?
Well, so much for the "easy" way home :-).
Still, it sounds like he should have taken all the damage that Rainbow had, just transferred to him. So he should be on the edge of death, using magic to stay up, and now with it gone ...
You have captured my attention as I continue on with the chapters. Nothing is making me put it down. I look forward to finding out how Discord knows so much about him and how Discord must end up helping Sparky get home
Awesome
That made me melt
Still here reading. Amazing how well this flows.
Lol sweet
Another nice interlude before the big drama. I like it.
Fun party time. I think I like cloud kicker
Reminds me of another night I had... so beautiful. Maybe I should quit reading
All I can say is WOW. Very Proud of this Talented Author. Good night and sweet dreams
I don't care about "Gary Stu", I still like the story, even into the second re-read. 0U0