My Little Goth: Darkness is Bitter

by ClickClackTheBrony

Here Comes the Sun and I Say It's all Wrong

At long last, everything was ready. White Hooves's group had repaired Town Hall and was awaiting execution at my convenience, Famine had arrived and brought all the food the event needed, Slit Wrist and her band were ready to play once the Queen arrived, and for some reason I feel I should point out that Rook and Monochrome Rush were in the audience somewhere along with some nameless special ed pony that you all will remember more than the rest of the actual story. All that remained was for the Queen to enter so everypony could worship her and stuff, and she was sure to appear any minute now.

...

Any minute now...

...

Alright, where is she? If this had been anypony but the Queen I would have blown them up on arrival.

Suddenly I sensed a powerful magic presence approaching. It was certainly the Queen, nopony else could achieve that level of power, but there was something odd: her aura was warm, almost... motherly? Meh, maybe she was wearing some new perfume. Regardless, it was time for me to announce her entrance (normally the mayor would have done this but she was currently lazing around in a dumpster out back, presumably being eaten by rats and street dwelling orphans).

"Fillies and gentlecolts," I anounced, "As acting mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Moon Celebration! In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the moon staying exactly where it already is, and celebrate this, the thousandth year of eternal darkness! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the moon and the stars for us to enjoy forever more, the almighty, the invincible, the bringer of darkness to all of Equestria..."

The doors burst open and everypony gasped.

"Queen Nightmare- Oh shit."

The alicorn who entered the room was most certainly not the Queen. Her coat was a blinding white and her mane was an array of prismatic beauty. She was clothed in golden regalia and flanked by two minotaurs in similar golden armor. (Notably, said minotaurs had utterly amazing tans, not that I cared about such things). Most striking about the alicorn though was her eyes. They were old eyes, the kind of eyes you see on someone who has experienced greater pain than you could ever imagine, but just under that oldness there was something else; hope, determination, and love. They were the eyes of somepony who would do anything and everything to spare others the suffering she had endured, and who would pursue that goal with their entire being.

In other words, I hated the bitch on sight.

Every pony in attendance was in awe of her. Some instinctively bowed to her, as they'd been trained to with Nightmare Moon. Others refrained from bowing, as if Nightmare Moon might jump out at any moment to punish the bowers.

"My little ponies," she said in the most predictable and forced title drop ever conceived, "you need not fear me, nor my sister ever again. My name is Princess Celestia, former and now current ruler of Equestria. I have been through much pain, both physical and emotional, during my imprisonment in the sun, but now that all of that is over I seek to ease your suffering as well. I have sealed my sister in the moon, where she can never harm any of you again. In the coming days, my minotaur allies and I will help you all in adjusting from the old regime to a new golden age of love and harmony. Now come outside, I have something to show you all..."

She led all of the ponies outside, myself included. I took a glance up at the moon and noticed that it bore a certain alicorn's silhouette on it.

"Behold," said Celestia, her horn aglow, "the sun."

The moon descended towards the horizon until it disappeared completely. Then the sky began glowing, first red, then orange, then yellow, and finally blue as an orb of bright yellow began climbing up into the sky. All of the ponies began curiously and eagerly chattering.

"What is that?"

"It's beautiful!"

"It's so warm..."

"I've never seen anything like it!"

"MY EYES! THEY BUUUUURN!"

That latter remark became quite prevalent throughout the crowd as more and more ponies began feeling their rods and cones melting. I caught on early and held my eyes shut.

"Oh crap!" Celestia yelped as she cast another spell making the entire sky overcast. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! That was bad planning on my part! I promise, you'll get used to the brightness eventually but until then I'll keep the clouds up."

"Hey," piped up somepony in the audience. "She took responsibility for her mistake rather than blaming the nearest bystander and having them drawn and quartered! She really is going to make things better!"

"He's right!" said another pony. "At long last we're saved from Nightmare Moon's tyranny! All hail Queen Celestia!"

"All hail Queen Celestia!" the other ponies cheered.

Celestia smiled. "Please, call me 'Princess.'"

I scowled and went back into the Town Hall. Today sucked balls, in no small part because the word 'today' could be applied to it.

"So... new ruler, huh?" Spite asked me.

"Looks like it... This is terrible. Whenever a new ruler comes in, the old nobility are always replaced with the new regime's supporters, and we're old nobility!"

"We are?"

"Duh, I'm Nightmare Moon's apprentice! If we're not nobility, what are we?"

"Well, honestly I was always kinda confused by that. I mean, sure you attended the Grand Galloping Gala as the Queen's guest and get special access to the restricted sections of the royal library, but nopony recognized you at that garden party, not to mention those two snobs who continued to look down on you even after you made it clear you were on a first name basis with the Queen."

"Oh yeah, I remember that. It was the first time I successfully pulled off the 'make somepony shit their own skeleton' spell. Good times, good times..."

"Yeah, I'm gonna miss doing stuff like that," said Spite with a sad smile.

"Wait... what do you mean 'miss it?'"

"What? You haven't realized it yet? Dark Tome, the black arts were forbidden until only 900 years ago! Even worse, mild irritation has only been considered a justification for murder for 500 years! Celestia's the type who'll probably take things back to the old ways, and that means that your ways are out. And I'm stuck getting paid in hair..."

I felt my heart sink. "No... No, no, no, no, NO! If I can't cast black magic, then what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? And who's going to keep the dumbasses from bugging me if I can't kill them? This isn't right... we have to do something! We need Nightmare Moon back!"

"I'll say," I heard somepony say as they trotted in. I looked over in their direction and saw Famine, a determined look in her eyes.

"Famine? But didn't Nightmare Moon kill most of your family?" I asked.

"Sure she did," Famine said. "But I can get another family. What I can't replace is my job! In case you missed the obvious Soylent Green references, the Soylent Apple Processing Plant is a place that takes pony corpses and turns them into something that can vaguely pass for apples! How long do you think that's gonna fly under Celestia's rule? And that's not even taking the the eventual return of real plants into consideration. I actually saw a couple of those minotaur guys hauling in a bunch of real apple trees! If Celestia takes over, I'll be obsolete! I don't know how to do anything else!"

"The same can be said for me, I guess..." said Rook as he came inside.

I was dumbstruck. "Rook? But Nightmare Moon killed your girlfriend!"

"Girlfriend? No, I'm too abysmally depressing to have a girlfriend. But I'm just the right kind of depressing to be a famous poet. I didn't lose anyone in any decimation, but a lot of ponies have, and they'll pay plenty for poetry books that put their feelings into words. I've been writing generic sadsack drivel for years because that's what ponies nowadays relate too. What's going to happen to me when everypony's happy?"

An idea began forming in my head. I looked toward White Hooves, who I'd left brainwashed in the corner, and saw that he and his friends were still there... along with Monochrome Rush? "Monochrome, what are you doing here?"

"I never left," she said. "One queen wants me inside, one queen wants me outside... Sorry Sunbutt, Black Snooty got to me first."

"Fair enough, but since you're here, consider yourself drafted. Disobey me and I'll set you on fire again."

She moaned, but conceded.

I commanded White Hooves and his allies to join the rest of the group and addressed them all. "Alright, I have a plan that I think will help all of us. It'll be dangerous, but I think that-"

Slit Wrist burst through the door. "Dangerous? As in, with the possibility of death? Count me in!"

I rolled my eyes. "How many ponies are eavesdropping outside that door?"

"Aside from me there was just this one little colt," she said.

"Great, whatever. Anyway, I have an idea for how we can put Nightmare Moon back in control. Spite, I need you to go and get some info on the Elements of Depression. See what you can get from the Library of Hell."

Spite raised an eyebrow. "The Library of Hell? You know the rules, Dark, nothing is free in Hell. The librarian demons are gonna ask for something big if you wanna learn anything about artifacts of power like the Elements of Depression."

Just then the colt Slit Wrist mentioned ran in. He was probably the most adorable thing in Equestria: for starters, he shared Featherweight's character model, so he was already pretty dang cute; from there, he was slightly grubby looking with an equally dirty hat and scarf, so you know he was an orphan; the physical part of his ensemble was completed with a little crutch, a la Tiny Tim. He only got cuter and more sympathetic when he spoke, naturally in a high pitched British accent. "Excuse me, sir," he coughed a little, because he of course had to be sick, "You aren't going to try and get rid of the nice princess are you? She just made a promise that no orphaned foal in Equestria would have to worry about where to find food, and I'm ever so hungry. The rats and other children beat me to the mayor's body."

I picked him up in my telekinesis. "Hey, Spite, how much do you think we'll get for this guy?"

Spite whistled, already envious of the library demon who would be enjoying such a bounty. "Oh yeah, that'll be plenty!"

I tossed the orphan toward Spite who grabbed him eagerly. The kid barely got the chance to give a little yelp of terror before dark flames pulled the two of them into the netherworld.

A few moments later, Spite came back with a dusty old textbook. "Well, I got good news and bad news. It turned out that kid was one of those 'lovable scamp' types with a little mischief streak, which, though it did make him more cute and relatable, also meant he wouldn't get us as much as somepony who was completely innocent. On the plus side though, this book should be more than enough." He passed the book to me.

"Hm..." I read over it. "There are six Elements of Depression, but only five are known: Pessimism," Famine nodded to show that she was following along, "Self-Hate," Slit Wrist blinked, "Brooding," Rook sighed as he listened, "Dispassion," the camera panned to Monochrome Rush, "and Rebellion," White Hooves continued to stand there awaiting orders. "The sixth is a complete mystery. However, the last known location of the elements is in the ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. It is located in what is now the Everfree Forest."

I looked up from the book to find that we were all already standing outside the forest. "Dammit, Spite, how many times have I told you to stop teleporting me mid-sentence!"

Author's Note:

Poor Oliver Twist Featherweight... He's pretty much my favorite non-speaking pony. Too bad for him I have some rather 'unorthodox' ways of showing affection. Hugs are like drugs, but killing is thrilling!