During the thousandth annual Summer Moon Celebration, the Mare in the Sun returns in an attempt to overthrow Equestria and return balance to day and night, and it's up to the Queen's apprentice Dark Tome to stop her.
One thousand years ago, Nightmare Moon took control of Equestria, securing eternal night and, as a side effect, turning Equestria into a haven for goths, emos, even the occasional cultist or warlock (overly happy ponies and preppies still exist, but the decriminalization of murder makes them much less of a problem). But now the Mare in the Sun, Princess Celestia, has returned and threatens to end the night and replace it with a continuous cycle of night and day, because apparently Sunbutt can't make up her mind. Can Dark Tome and his new friends these losers that are following him stop Celestia, or will she succeed in returning peace and balance to the land?
Warning: discusses topics such as homocide, suicide, sororicide, genocide, and a least 8 or 9 other -cides, all occasions of which are played for laughs.
Enter Our Hero (We're Using a Rather Loose Definition of 'Hero' Here)
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her alicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies.
But as time went on, the older sister became selfish. Ponies found it difficult to sleep during the bright day, forcing them to sleep through the beautiful night time. One glorious day, the younger alicorn refused to lower the moon and give in to the dawn. The elder sister became indignant, but the righteous fury in the young one's heart transformed her into a powerful mare of darkness, Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night.
Valiantly, Nightmare Moon harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Depression. Using the Magic of the Elements of Depression, she defeated her older sister and banished her permanently in the sun, which she then thrust to the other side of the world where it now remains the Minotaurs' problem, and darkness has been maintained in Equestria for generations since.
I set down the book. That had been probably the crappiest story I'd ever read. It sounded like the opening to some baby show. However, one thing about it stood out: The Elements of Depression. They seemed like the kind of thing I would have heard a lot about, considering they were part of how Equestria's ruler secured her power, but I could only remember one other place where they'd been mentioned.
I packed the book up and headed back home to figure out more about the Elements. I had nothing else going on at the moment, anyway. On my way, I ran into three unicorn mares.
"Hey Dark Tome!" one of them said. "Moondancer is having a little get-together in the west castle courtyard, wanna come?"
"Oh, sure," I said, "There's no way I'd rather spend my day than going to a party with my good friends- er, what are your names?"
They introduced themselves as "Sprinkle Fluff", "Kitty Kuddles," and "Joyheart." Based on that, I knew exactly what I wanted to do next: Wrap them all in a big hug.
"Wow, Dark Tome, I thought you were one of those standoffish goth types! I had no idea you were so affectionate!" Joyheart said gleefully.
"That's okay. You were completely right." I then teleported about ten feet to the left.
"Huh? Hey, Dark Tome, why'd you go over there?" One of them asked. I couldn't quite tell them apart anymore. "And what's that your holding?"
"Your skin," I answered. 1001 Creative Uses of Teleporting, page 158.
The trio looked at each other and started screaming when they realized they were all considerably more flayed than they'd been a half minute ago.
"Quit your bitching," I called to them as I walked off. "I know it doesn't hurt; I took all your nerve endings with the rest of your pelts. It's probably one of the better ways to die... I would assume." Even after that they just kept screaming, so finally I just turned and incinerated them all with the new fire spell I'd been practicing. Fuckin' whiners.
I eventually got back to my room. "Spite! Spi-ite!" I called out. "I'm home! I need you to find my copy of Predictions and Prophecies! Oh, and I brought some skin if you want it!"
Spite teleported into the room in a blaze of black hellfire. "You got it, master. Just let me put these away first," he said as he teleported the skin off to wherever it was he kept it. Spite was my demon familiar; as stipulated by our contract, he was bound to eternally loyal and obedient to me as long as I kept bringing him body parts at least once every three days. Usually I just picked something off the corpse of some asshole who'd gotten themselves publicly executed, but why waste what's left of ponies who irritated me? Specifically, the contract stated that I had to give body parts until I died as a result of the sacrifice, at which point he would get my soul. However, as I'd pointed out to him once the contract was signed, there was nothing that said the parts had to come from my own body, and even they did, I could just give hair or hoof clippings, which I'd never run out of. The loophole was a rookie mistake for a demon, and he was pretty pissed about it at the time, but eventually he got over it. After all, Queen Nightmare Moon was so impressed with the way I basically enslaved a demon that she took me on as her personal student, and he was able to ride my coattails all the way to the lap of luxury. He seemed to enjoy getting the body parts themselves too, for some creepy reason.
Spite teleported back into the room, Predictions and Prophecies in hand. I took it from him and searched for that once passage I needed. "Let's see... Elements of Depression... Mare in the Sun... One thousand years... 'taurs will aid in her escape and she will bring about... Daytime? Aw, fuck that! My eyes are meant for artificial light only!" I shouted. "Spite, take a letter for the Queen:"
To the most glorious Queen Nightmare Moon,
In my studies I have recently discovered that your bitch sister Celestia is also the Mare in the Sun who is prophesied to return during the Summer Moon Celebration. Now since you've lived for millenia I figure you probably already know about all this, since it's not even remotely hard to figure out. I mean, I solved it by accident in under ten minutes. However, I really dislike the idea of Celestia's return, so if there is any way I can aid you in kicking her solar plot, I'm prepared. Or at least I'm prepared to send Spite to handle it while I watch.
Your student, Dark Tome
"Alright, send it," I commanded, and Spite obeyed, disappearing with the note in his black flames. He returned a few moments later with the Queen's response.
"Well, she knows," Spite said. "Here's what she wrote back:"
My loyal student,
My, what a smart young stallion you are to have figured it out. I know it seemed easy for you, but that's just because you're a cut above the rest of the sheep I rule over; it's the reason I chose you as my student. I am well aware of my sister's return, and I am unafraid of her. She spent the last thousand years being burned alive in the sun, and as such I doubt that she will be fit for battle. However, because you are so eager to assist me, I would like somepony to oversee the preperations of the Summer Moon Celebration in Ponyville. They are consistently misspelling my name on banners and being late for Winter Wrap Up, and I fear they may err once more. I would hate to have to punish them, as decimating a population is always such a hassle, what with all of the census taking and rounding up and executing escapees. Ensure they do not fail, or I shall put you alone in charge of their punishment. It's a lot less fun than it sounds, trust me.
Your selectively benevolent god-queen, Nightmare Moon
"FUCK!" I yelled. "This is why I don't help ponies! There goes my afternoon! Next time I offer assistance to somepony, talk me out of it! Ugh... Go get a chariot, Spite..."
Our chariot finally descended into the little country town. "Alright, let's get this over with..." I said as I climbed out.
"Our first stop is the Soylent Apple Processing Plant," said Spite, reading off our checklist. "Let's ask him for directions," he said, gesturing to an oncoming buffalo. Due to the Queen's tendency toward conquest, Equestria had a large population of refugees from other races. The only exception was Zebras, who had been preemptively exterminated after the Queen read Fallout: Equestria.
I went to go talk to the buffalo, but the second he laid eyes on me he gasped in shock and galloped away.
"Hey, fuck you too!" I called after him. Stampede-happy tree-hating prick.
*** *** ***
Eventually, we did manage to find the Soylent Apple Processing Plant. It was a huge, black building that clouded the sky above it with smog. As we walked inside, we found a gaunt earth pony mare snacking on a slice of fresh 'apple' pie.
"Hey, I'm looking for whoever's in charge of catering the Summer Moon Festival," I said to her.
"Yeah, that's me. I just got on break. The name's Famine. I guess the Queen sent you?"
"Yeah. Wait... The one making the food is named 'Famine?' That seems like a bad idea..."
She rolled her eyes and muttered, "Not as bad as taking away the main ingredient of photosynthesis and driving real apple trees to damn near extinction."
"What was that?"
"I said my name's not important. What is important is that me and my family's got the food situation all under control."
"Your family?"
"Yeah." She called out "Hey! We got a visitor!"
From around the plant's various machines and assembly lines, Famine's whole family trotted towards us, with Famine listing them off as they arrived.
"This is Pestilence, and this is War, and this is Death, and that's it."
My eyes widened. "Wow... you manage this whole place with just four ponies?" Death was even just a filly and Pestilence was so old that I figured she'd be more use to the place working from inside the machines, if you catch my drift.
"A lot of the place is automated, but yeah, we are kinda thinly stretched. There were more of us, but our family had some bad luck in the decimation when Ponyville was late in the last Winter Wrap-Up. Of course, we might have been on time if we weren't so understaffed on account of that other decimation from the the 'Nightmare Moo' incident."
"Yeah, yeah, boo hoo, your family died. As long as the food's gonna be ready, I don't care. Goodbye."
I turned to leave, but the moment I did I came face to face with the filly, Death. "Aren't you gonna stay for brunch?"
As I looked into her big puppydog eyes, I was filled with this strange, overpowering emotion that I couldn't quite name...
Oh, wait, I could name it. It was disgust.
"Piss off, midget!" I said as I stepped around her.
*** *** ***
Next was the weather. Currently it was cloudy and depressing, so perfect as far as I was concerned. However, for the Summer Moon Celebration the stars had to be visible, so we had to clear it up. It looked like it hadn't even been started though.
I looked up to observe it, and happened to notice some pegasus' tail hanging over the side of a cloud. "Hey, you!" I called, "Who's supposed to be in charge of getting these clouds out of the way?"
The pegasus, a mare with a mane of black, white, and varying shades of grey, peeked over the side. "That's me, I guess. Name's Monochrome Rush."
"I don't care what your name is! Have you even started?"
"Nah. I mean, I was going to, but then I realized I don't care."
"You don't care? If this isn't perfect, the Queen is going to order a tenth of Ponyville killed, and I'm gonna be the one having to spend my valuable time doing it! Isn't my time important to you?"
"Nah, not really. I've survived both of the recent decimations, even the one from when I left the 'N' off that welcoming banner. I figure I'll survive one more. Even then, dying doesn't scare me much."
"Oh my Nightmare! You're almost as lazy as that 'black and white Rainbow Dash' design concept! You get off that cloud and clear the sky right now!"
"Really? This whole story is based off the oldest 'What If' scenario in Brony history, but my name and hair is what strikes you as lazy? Up yours, I'm not doing squat." She rolled back over and started trying to fall asleep.
"Alright. Spite, you know what to do."
"My pleasure!" Spite levitated himself onto the cloud next to Monochrome. She looked up at him, apathetically at first, but then she started caring a whole lot more when he breathed a jet of hellfire on her tail.
Monochrome screamed and flew off the cloud, crashing into the other clouds and destroying them in her panic.
"It'll wear off when all the clouds are gone!" I called up to her. "And don't screw around, you got like an hour before that stuff eats through your immortal soul!"
Spite descended to my side again. "That was fun, but conjuring a physical manifestation of Satan's wrath into the mortal plane is thirsty work. Can we get some coffee or something?"
"Fine," I said. "I need a break from dealing with these morons anyway."
*** *** ***
The closest place where we could get something to drink was some emo poetry club. I personally didn't care for poetry itself, but I did rather like listening to people talk about how sad they were. Schadenfreude makes everything better, doesn't it?
As we sat down to drink, a griffon poet named Rook took the stage. If I hadn't been familiar with griffons and known they were lion-eagle crosses, I would have called him part crow and part panther due to how utterly black he was. Apparently, black was also the topic of his current poem.
"Black, the color of her eyes,
Black, we met under night skies,
Black, the past we flee together,
White, the future so much better.
"White, the snow upon the ground,
White, our faces as it's found,
White, the sheen of axe's blade,
Black, my soul, without her, made."
"HA!" I guffawed as Rook finished. Spite thought it was so funny that coffee nearly shot out of his nose. As we finished up and left, I made a mental note to listen to emo poets more often. That gave me exactly what I needed.
*** *** ***
"Okay, now we need to check on the entertainment..." I reminded myself. According to the Queen's instructions, the orchestra was practicing at a nearby theater while the town hall was being decorated. Once there, we entered to hear the end of the Equestrian national anthem, quite ably performed, actually.
"Alright, this seems to be fine here. Do you think you're ready?" I asked as I approached the conductor, a unicorn mare.
"Oh, you're the Queen's student, right? My name's Slit Wrist. I actually had one thing I needed help with; I need somepony's input on a decision I'm trying to make."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Well, this is kinda going to be my magnum opus, so I figured tonight would be a good a time as any to end it all."
"End it all?"
"Yeah. When my band plays the final note, I'm going to kill myself for the grand finale!"
"Wow, that's..." I couldn't quite find the words.
"A nice touch?" suggested Spite.
"Yeah, that's it!"
Slit Wrist nodded. "I just need help deciding how to do it. I narrowed it down to either hanging or shooting myself."
"Hm..." I wracked my brain. "Hanging isn't always an insta-kill, so it may be a bit anti climactic. Not to mention a gun would be more showy."
"But messy," interjected Spite, "and loud enough that it might overshadow the actual music."
"And that's why you're my number one slave," I said, petting him.
Slit Wrist smiled. "So hanging it is! I think maybe I can set up a trap door to drop the noose from the ceiling toward the end..."
"Wait, wait, wait," I said. "I just remembered that whenever a pony dies they shit themselves. That's gonna be a deal-breaker."
"Oh, right," said Spite. "I guess brain goo everywhere will be the least concern for messiness."
I nodded. "Slit Wrist, have you eaten at all today?"
"Um, oh, I hadn't thought of that... Yes..."
"Well, in that case I'm nixing the idea. I don't wanna take any chances."
Slit Wrist's face drained of color. "No, no, I need to do this! I can wear pants!"
"No way. You know that the law demands for all peasant-class ponies to be fully nude in the presence of royalty to highlight the fact that you're all animals compared to them. You'll just have to kill yourself some other time."
She beat against her head with her hooves. "No no no! Oh, I'm so frustrated I could just kill myself!" She inhaled a breath and released it in a primal yell as she darted out the doors. I followed her out and was just in time to see her run into the street and dive in front of a speeding horse-drawn carriage. The pony pulling it panicked and swerved away, crashing into a nearby preschool. Naturally, that made both the carriage and building explode, scattering pony bits everywhere.
The severed head of the pony who'd pulled the carriage rolled in front of Slit Wrist's face. "That's what you get for swerving. Learn to drive, jerk," she spat as she stood up and walked away, defeated.
"Alright, everything's fine here, I guess," I said to Spite before we trotted off.
*** *** ***
All that remained was the decorations at the town hall. "I don't see why the Queen was so worried about this place," Spite remarked. "Almost everything is in order now. Even the sky is good since Monochrome got her ass in gear."
"Yeah. Maybe she was the only thing really holding this place back. I think I'll kill her after the Summer Moon Celebration; if she never botches anything again, the Queen will think I really whipped this place into shape. What do you think, disembowelment or head explosion?"
"I was thinking turn her inside out."
"Oh, that'll be tricky, but definitely worth it."
I opened the door to the town hall, expecting perfection...
What I saw instead was the mayor's shaven body impaled up the butt and out the mouth on a pike, all of the decorations on the ground, and several tables and chairs on fire. That one buffalo I met when I first came to Ponyville was in the middle of it all, him and a few of his friends tossing molotov cocktails around. "Fuck the government! Fuck Nightmare Moon! Fuck authority in general! New World Order! Anarchy!"
My paralysis spell waved throughout the room, freezing the buffalo and his cohorts in their tracks. "Who are you and what the fuck is going on in here?" I demanded.
I released my spell on just the buffalo's lips. "My name is White Hooves. Me and my friends are showing Nightmare Moon just what we think of being told what to do! I mean, destroying all of the world's crops, killing her own citizens, she's as bad as my parents!"
"You idiot! The Queen's going to be here in a few hours, and thanks to you I have to make sure this place gets redecorated basically from the ground up!"
"Isn't that just like a student of the Queen. Only caring about yourself!"
"Wow, you really hit the nail on the head." I released White Hooves and the others from my magical grip. Normally I'd have followed up with a blood-boiling spell, but given the situation, I had no choice but to go for a more utilitarian route. "Imperio!" A thin mist came from my horn and enveloped the rebels, putting each one in a trancelike state. "Now, you guys clean this place up and redecorate it perfectly. I want the Queen to be utterly elated when she sees this building!"
And that's how I spent the rest of the day overseeing a bunch of hypnotized rebels restoring the town hall.
At long last, everything was ready. White Hooves's group had repaired Town Hall and was awaiting execution at my convenience, Famine had arrived and brought all the food the event needed, Slit Wrist and her band were ready to play once the Queen arrived, and for some reason I feel I should point out that Rook and Monochrome Rush were in the audience somewhere along with some nameless special ed pony that you all will remember more than the rest of the actual story. All that remained was for the Queen to enter so everypony could worship her and stuff, and she was sure to appear any minute now.
...
Any minute now...
...
Alright, where is she? If this had been anypony but the Queen I would have blown them up on arrival.
Suddenly I sensed a powerful magic presence approaching. It was certainly the Queen, nopony else could achieve that level of power, but there was something odd: her aura was warm, almost... motherly? Meh, maybe she was wearing some new perfume. Regardless, it was time for me to announce her entrance (normally the mayor would have done this but she was currently lazing around in a dumpster out back, presumably being eaten by rats and street dwelling orphans).
"Fillies and gentlecolts," I anounced, "As acting mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Moon Celebration! In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the moon staying exactly where it already is, and celebrate this, the thousandth year of eternal darkness! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the moon and the stars for us to enjoy forever more, the almighty, the invincible, the bringer of darkness to all of Equestria..."
The doors burst open and everypony gasped.
"Queen Nightmare- Oh shit."
The alicorn who entered the room was most certainly not the Queen. Her coat was a blinding white and her mane was an array of prismatic beauty. She was clothed in golden regalia and flanked by two minotaurs in similar golden armor. (Notably, said minotaurs had utterly amazing tans, not that I cared about such things). Most striking about the alicorn though was her eyes. They were old eyes, the kind of eyes you see on someone who has experienced greater pain than you could ever imagine, but just under that oldness there was something else; hope, determination, and love. They were the eyes of somepony who would do anything and everything to spare others the suffering she had endured, and who would pursue that goal with their entire being.
In other words, I hated the bitch on sight.
Every pony in attendance was in awe of her. Some instinctively bowed to her, as they'd been trained to with Nightmare Moon. Others refrained from bowing, as if Nightmare Moon might jump out at any moment to punish the bowers.
"My little ponies," she said in the most predictable and forced title drop ever conceived, "you need not fear me, nor my sister ever again. My name is Princess Celestia, former and now current ruler of Equestria. I have been through much pain, both physical and emotional, during my imprisonment in the sun, but now that all of that is over I seek to ease your suffering as well. I have sealed my sister in the moon, where she can never harm any of you again. In the coming days, my minotaur allies and I will help you all in adjusting from the old regime to a new golden age of love and harmony. Now come outside, I have something to show you all..."
She led all of the ponies outside, myself included. I took a glance up at the moon and noticed that it bore a certain alicorn's silhouette on it.
"Behold," said Celestia, her horn aglow, "the sun."
The moon descended towards the horizon until it disappeared completely. Then the sky began glowing, first red, then orange, then yellow, and finally blue as an orb of bright yellow began climbing up into the sky. All of the ponies began curiously and eagerly chattering.
"What is that?"
"It's beautiful!"
"It's so warm..."
"I've never seen anything like it!"
"MY EYES! THEY BUUUUURN!"
That latter remark became quite prevalent throughout the crowd as more and more ponies began feeling their rods and cones melting. I caught on early and held my eyes shut.
"Oh crap!" Celestia yelped as she cast another spell making the entire sky overcast. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! That was bad planning on my part! I promise, you'll get used to the brightness eventually but until then I'll keep the clouds up."
"Hey," piped up somepony in the audience. "She took responsibility for her mistake rather than blaming the nearest bystander and having them drawn and quartered! She really is going to make things better!"
"He's right!" said another pony. "At long last we're saved from Nightmare Moon's tyranny! All hail Queen Celestia!"
"All hail Queen Celestia!" the other ponies cheered.
Celestia smiled. "Please, call me 'Princess.'"
I scowled and went back into the Town Hall. Today sucked balls, in no small part because the word 'today' could be applied to it.
"So... new ruler, huh?" Spite asked me.
"Looks like it... This is terrible. Whenever a new ruler comes in, the old nobility are always replaced with the new regime's supporters, and we're old nobility!"
"We are?"
"Duh, I'm Nightmare Moon's apprentice! If we're not nobility, what are we?"
"Well, honestly I was always kinda confused by that. I mean, sure you attended the Grand Galloping Gala as the Queen's guest and get special access to the restricted sections of the royal library, but nopony recognized you at that garden party, not to mention those two snobs who continued to look down on you even after you made it clear you were on a first name basis with the Queen."
"Oh yeah, I remember that. It was the first time I successfully pulled off the 'make somepony shit their own skeleton' spell. Good times, good times..."
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss doing stuff like that," said Spite with a sad smile.
"Wait... what do you mean 'miss it?'"
"What? You haven't realized it yet? Dark Tome, the black arts were forbidden until only 900 years ago! Even worse, mild irritation has only been considered a justification for murder for 500 years! Celestia's the type who'll probably take things back to the old ways, and that means that your ways are out. And I'm stuck getting paid in hair..."
I felt my heart sink. "No... No, no, no, no, NO! If I can't cast black magic, then what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? And who's going to keep the dumbasses from bugging me if I can't kill them? This isn't right... we have to do something! We need Nightmare Moon back!"
"I'll say," I heard somepony say as they trotted in. I looked over in their direction and saw Famine, a determined look in her eyes.
"Famine? But didn't Nightmare Moon kill most of your family?" I asked.
"Sure she did," Famine said. "But I can get another family. What I can't replace is my job! In case you missed the obvious Soylent Green references, the Soylent Apple Processing Plant is a place that takes pony corpses and turns them into something that can vaguely pass for apples! How long do you think that's gonna fly under Celestia's rule? And that's not even taking the the eventual return of real plants into consideration. I actually saw a couple of those minotaur guys hauling in a bunch of real apple trees! If Celestia takes over, I'll be obsolete! I don't know how to do anything else!"
"The same can be said for me, I guess..." said Rook as he came inside.
I was dumbstruck. "Rook? But Nightmare Moon killed your girlfriend!"
"Girlfriend? No, I'm too abysmally depressing to have a girlfriend. But I'm just the right kind of depressing to be a famous poet. I didn't lose anyone in any decimation, but a lot of ponies have, and they'll pay plenty for poetry books that put their feelings into words. I've been writing generic sadsack drivel for years because that's what ponies nowadays relate too. What's going to happen to me when everypony's happy?"
An idea began forming in my head. I looked toward White Hooves, who I'd left brainwashed in the corner, and saw that he and his friends were still there... along with Monochrome Rush? "Monochrome, what are you doing here?"
"I never left," she said. "One queen wants me inside, one queen wants me outside... Sorry Sunbutt, Black Snooty got to me first."
"Fair enough, but since you're here, consider yourself drafted. Disobey me and I'll set you on fire again."
She moaned, but conceded.
I commanded White Hooves and his allies to join the rest of the group and addressed them all. "Alright, I have a plan that I think will help all of us. It'll be dangerous, but I think that-"
Slit Wrist burst through the door. "Dangerous? As in, with the possibility of death? Count me in!"
I rolled my eyes. "How many ponies are eavesdropping outside that door?"
"Aside from me there was just this one little colt," she said.
"Great, whatever. Anyway, I have an idea for how we can put Nightmare Moon back in control. Spite, I need you to go and get some info on the Elements of Depression. See what you can get from the Library of Hell."
Spite raised an eyebrow. "The Library of Hell? You know the rules, Dark, nothing is free in Hell. The librarian demons are gonna ask for something big if you wanna learn anything about artifacts of power like the Elements of Depression."
Just then the colt Slit Wrist mentioned ran in. He was probably the most adorable thing in Equestria: for starters, he shared Featherweight's character model, so he was already pretty dang cute; from there, he was slightly grubby looking with an equally dirty hat and scarf, so you know he was an orphan; the physical part of his ensemble was completed with a little crutch, a la Tiny Tim. He only got cuter and more sympathetic when he spoke, naturally in a high pitched British accent. "Excuse me, sir," he coughed a little, because he of course had to be sick, "You aren't going to try and get rid of the nice princess are you? She just made a promise that no orphaned foal in Equestria would have to worry about where to find food, and I'm ever so hungry. The rats and other children beat me to the mayor's body."
I picked him up in my telekinesis. "Hey, Spite, how much do you think we'll get for this guy?"
Spite whistled, already envious of the library demon who would be enjoying such a bounty. "Oh yeah, that'll be plenty!"
I tossed the orphan toward Spite who grabbed him eagerly. The kid barely got the chance to give a little yelp of terror before dark flames pulled the two of them into the netherworld.
A few moments later, Spite came back with a dusty old textbook. "Well, I got good news and bad news. It turned out that kid was one of those 'lovable scamp' types with a little mischief streak, which, though it did make him more cute and relatable, also meant he wouldn't get us as much as somepony who was completely innocent. On the plus side though, this book should be more than enough." He passed the book to me.
"Hm..." I read over it. "There are six Elements of Depression, but only five are known: Pessimism," Famine nodded to show that she was following along, "Self-Hate," Slit Wrist blinked, "Brooding," Rook sighed as he listened, "Dispassion," the camera panned to Monochrome Rush, "and Rebellion," White Hooves continued to stand there awaiting orders. "The sixth is a complete mystery. However, the last known location of the elements is in the ancient Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters. It is located in what is now the Everfree Forest."
I looked up from the book to find that we were all already standing outside the forest. "Dammit, Spite, how many times have I told you to stop teleporting me mid-sentence!"
It's a Dangerous Business, Walking out Your Front Door and Into the Forest Where Everything Wants You Dead
I surveyed my motley crew of losers. They weren't much, but worst case I could just ditch them in the forest if they slowed me down. "Alright, if we want Celestia gone, we're gonna have to get those Elements. It will be dangerous, and most of you won't survive. Fortunately, I happen to have many spells and skills to at the very least ensure my own survival."
Famine grimaced. "You know, on second thought, I think I'll take my chances being unemployed, good luck with your pipe drea-" Before she got far Spite snapped his fingers and a wall of hellflame blocked any possible escape.
"Now, I need all of you to come in and stay between me and any danger. You can do it voluntarily, or under mind control like White Hooves and his friends, which, incidentally, diminishes your ability to dodge threats by as much as ninety-five percent. Spite, while we're in there, I want you to go into town and kill anypony who looks too happy about Celestia."
"Oh hells yeah! Can I keep their corpses?" he asked.
"Do whatever you want with them. If it seems like I've been gone too long, come and get me back out. Now, the rest of you, follow me. It's time for this sun... to go down."
A muscular pony came out of nowhere and shouted "YEEEAAAAAAAAHH!" as a guitar played in the background.
"And this is why I generally avoid needless wordplay," I muttered. After taking just a moment to create a magical dagger and impale Mr. Watches-Too-Much-CSI through the head, I led my team into the forest, very much aware that this would be the most important moment of my life...
*** *** ***
"Dang, this place is just miserable. I should really remember to come back sometime," I remarked. "Still, we need to hurry. Does anyone know their way around?"
"'Fraid not," Famine said. "Nopony comes in here. It's probably the one place that's more terrible than Ponyville."
"How so?"
"Oh, you know, the stuff you'd expect: monsters, impossible-to-navigate paths, the evil enchantress that lives here, unstable terrain..."
"Unstable terrain?'
Monochrome cut in. "Yeah. In some places, the ground is so bad that it'll crumble beneath you with just one stomp." She punctuated her explanation with a stomp of her hoof... which caused our cliffside path to give way under us.
The effect was immediate. White Hooves' friends went over first and got dashed to pieces on the rocks below. White Hooves himself fared slightly better, his survival instinct just barely breaking through his hypnotized daze and allowing him to grab Rook's tail, dragging the griffon down with him. Monochrome (of course it'd be her) managed to catch herself and fly to safety. Slit Wrist was on safe ground the whole time, but after realizing what was happening shouted, "Oh no, I'm falling off the cliff to my death. Ahh," and walked over the edge. Worst of all, I began slipping down and was unable to keep my grip. I was about to fall too, but then Famine, who had managed to keep her footing, caught me by my forehooves.
"Famine! Pull me back up!"
She tugged, struggling against gravity but slowly getting pulled down with me. "I... I can't. You have to let go."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm gonna be straight with you. There is no conceivable way I'm gonna be able to pull you back up. I have the strength, but I just can't keep my footing, so either we both fall, or just you. If it means anything, I kinda liked your sadistic sense of humor and devil-may-care attitude, not to mention the way you put my ankle-biting dipshit of a sister in her place. I'm sorry, Dark Tome, I wish I could help, but the truth is it's already too late. Oh well. See ya in Hell!"
With that, she gave me one quick shove and sent me screaming over the edge to my death...
Or at least I thought it was to my death, but fortunately there was a thick cushion of red shirt corpses for me to land on. I knew bringing along all of White Hooves' friends was a good idea!
I looked around to see who else survived. Rook, Slit Wrist, White Hooves, basically anyone with a name was good. Monochrome was even relaxing in a nearby tree.
I got to my feet in a fit of rage. "Monochrome! Famine! You two are DEAD!" I cast a teleportation spell and brought both of the mares in front of me. "Do you realize you almost got me killed?"
"Wait, you can cast teleporting spells? Couldn't you have saved yourself with that?" Monochrome asked.
"I have a psychological condition that makes me temporarily forget about useful abilities in times of crisis, okay?" I said furiously.
Famine looked aghast. "Seriously? And we're supposed to be following you?"
"I... Er... Well... UP YOURS!" I sent a bolt of lightening through both of them. I was going to kill them at first, but upon remembering the mass of cronies I'd already lost, I decided to stop just short of death. They'd still be useful, but now carried the delightful scent of pony bacon. "You two are SO lucky I need as many meatshields as I can get out here!"
"Yeah... Lucky..." Famine muttered, putting out a small ember on her coat where the spell hit her..
"At least I smell good..." wheezed Monochrome.
Meanwhile, White Hooves seemed to be snapping out of the trance I'd put him under, probably from the shock of his near-death experience. He looked around with a blank expression for a moment or two until he noticed the pile of dead ponies. "Huh? G-guys? Are you..." He looked them over, checking for any sign of life. "Firebrand? Unquiet Riot? Vocal Minority? Anyone?" The color drained from his face... somehow. No idea how that works with fur. "No! They're all dead! How could this happen?" He collapsed, sobbing into his forelegs. "I'm all alone... It'll take me hours to find friends like them again! Hours!"
I saw my opening, and I went or it. "I'm so sorry that I got your friends killed - completely by accident, by the way - but if you help us, the Queen can probably resurrect them." It was all a complete lie, but I find that those with friends have a bizarre tendency to go out of their way to help those friends. Reason number one why I don't have any.
"What? Nightmare Moon? Screw that! That's not what my friends would want!"
"So you're siding with Celestia then?" I prepared to cast a kill spell, having forgotten about my mind control spell due to all the stress.
"Wait... Celesti-who?"
"Celestia. She's the Queen's sister who took over Equestria and brought back the sun."
"So... she's the one in charge now?"
"Yes."
"... Well I didn't vote for her." A look of indignation came over him as his contrarian instincts kicked in. "And who the hell asked for the sun? Not to mention this pony is Nightmare Moon's blood relative! I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her!"
"All right then," I said with a smirk. "You wanna get rid of her, follow me. Besides, I don't think Celestia would be willing to delve into the unholy magic of necromancy."
"Yeah! Better the devil we know, I say! Let's go get my friends back!"
What a dumbass.
We continued a bit further, savoring the scents from our crispy allies as we walked. I didn't realize it at the time, but something else was liking it too...
"ROAR!"
"What was that?" I asked. Rook pulled me out of the way just before a scorpion tail stabbed right where I'd been just a moment before.
"A manticore!" yelled Famine.
Slit Wrist leapt between it and us, smiling. "Don't worry, everypony! I'll distract it so the rest of you can get away!"
Cue nopony having a problem with that. We all took the opportunity and ran off as the monster pounced onto her, raking her with its claws and chewing on her neck.
"You think it's still following us?" Rook asked once we'd put about two hundred yards worth of trees between it and us.
"I don't think so," said Famine, "but in all likelyhood, it won't be the last monster we see out here. We need to be prepared if we don't wanna all die, not that our chances will be that good even then. We might as well catch our breath for a bit."
"That's good for now. Rook, Monochrome, you two keep watch," I said.
About five minutes into our break, however, we noticed something emerging from the trees: the manticore!
"Damn it, Monochrome! I said keep watch!"
"You haven't been paying much attention to my behavior, have you?" said Monochrome.
I was about to forget to cast a death spell on the monster, but then I noticed that it had Slit Wrist wrapped in it's tail. It set her down casually and pushed her toward us before handing her a self help book and a piece of paper with the number of the suicide hotline written on it. After that, it patted her on the head and walked off.
"Oh, hey Slit Wrist, I thought you were dead." I said before going back to relaxing.
"He felt something was wrong when I started pointing to my throat and saying 'right here.' He also said you guys should cast a scent blocking spell, if you can."
"Ah, good idea," I said, before doing so.
"So... he said I should talk to others about my problems, so... does anypony wanna listen?"
White Hooves and Rook each breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, so non ponies don't have to deal with it. Sweet," White Hooves said.
"Um... Okay? Anypony?"
"Nah, we're good," Famine said.
"Oh... I see... now I remember why I came out here..." She laid down by a tree, took out a razor blade and... I actually stopped paying attention at about that time, I really didn't care all that much.
*** *** ***
Meanwhile, in the Queen's throne room back in Canterlot, Celestia was already making herself comfortable, her minotaur cronies removing all traces of the Queens influence. The statues she had of herself, the tapestries commemorating her conquests, and the displayed corpses of her enemies: all taken down to make room for Celestia's regime. The Princess herself meanwhile was working with the Queen's archivist, Dusty Tomes, to get rid of all of the Queen's laws.
"We are going to have to change so much..." Celestia said, looking over a book of rules that her sister had implemented since she'd been banished. "You've really all been sacrificing your firstborn?"
"Well of course! We needed to to fuel your sister's Alicorn magic, didn't we?" Dusty answered.
"Oh... That's not actually true; Luna saw this thing on TV about Aztec mythology and... well, she always was a bit obsessive." She flipped through a few more pages. "Oh dear..." She called over one of the Minotaurs. "I need you to go and inform all of Equestria's law enforcement officials that the death penalty will no longer be a 'catch-all punishment.' Have all major criminals kept detained until I can set proper sentences, the minor offenders can be let off with a warning for now."
The minotaur saluted and rushed off to spread the word.
Celestia turned to him and he cringed, expecting obliteration. Instead, he heard a sweet chuckle. "Oh, Dusty. You have nothing to fear from me. My reign will be one of peace and happiness for all of my citizens. Frankly, I'd prefer it if everypony loosened up a bit. After a thousand years in the sun, I could do with a nice, natural, informal environment."
It took a few moments for Dusty to comprehend it all. "My gosh... is it really that simple? Are we really that free?" Years of pent up stress and anxiety began visibly melting off of him. "YAHOO!" He leaped into the air, completely unable to contain himself.
"Yes, you are," said Celestia with a little laugh. "In fact, why don't you take the rest of the day off and spend it with your family; it looks like you really need it. I can handle the rest of this myself, I think."
"My Quee- um, Princess, are you sure?"
"Oh, trust me, after being on fire for a millennium, this is actually fun for me. Go on."
"Th-thank you Princess!" Dusty smiled, before practically skipping to the door.
Just then the door burst open, messily splattering Dusty between it and the wall.
"Princess!" called the minotaur who'd ran in. "We've just received word that a small group of your sister's loyalists have been spotted entering the Everfree Forest in an attempt to retrieve the Elements of Depression!"
"No... I knew this wouldn't be this easy..." Celestia muttered. "Send in Squadron 3 to deal with them, nonlethally if at all possible."
The minotaur saluted and rushed to deliver the orders. Once he was gone, Celestia noticed the sloppy mess formerly known as Dusty plastered to the wall. "Ooh... Note to self: cover the country in 'cartoon physics' spells again. We're going to need them."