Have been a brony for two years.
Fluttershy is zapped to the future by Queen Chrysalis where the Changelings have taken over Equestria. The Princesses are missing, and the Mane Six have gone into hiding with a small army of rebels. The ponies find an unlikely ally who joins them in their tangle with the Hive.
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So... out of immense curiosity, and because its going to take me a a long time to read 23,676 words. But why did you decide to post it all of it at once like this?
I mean Hi five to getting it done, though. Seriously, 15 chapters averaging about 1.5K, that's not too shabby. But its interesting to me that you post all of it, and then ask for a review or sketch around for the idea of a proofreader. Normally, people feed a few chapters at a time, build suspense, keep people coming, drag out how long their story is seen to get more comments, favs, and positive votes, AND they see a gradual improvement in skills and quality of their own work.
For example, I do the proofreading work for Autumnschild. The guy is great, but I with his first story, I was doing a lot of changes, suggestions, moving things around for the flow of the story and checking character quality. But now, for this most recent story I've done, I barely did anything. A few grammar mistakes with dialogue and a suggestion or two was it. He really improved.
I'll read through your story, give suggestions on what I feel you could do better, and some mistakes that I see.
My first suggestion is get a avatar that matches you for your personality or reflects something you like, or you think is cool. I have Little Miss Rarity with a Christmas theme going on because I'm a fan of Rarity, and I like the darker aspect of the fandom. By having an avatar, you give people something to relate to and recognize. Not only that, but I personally feel like it sends the message of "I want to be here" although that is always true.
My second suggestion matches the first. Its crazy, but a good cover image for a story does wonders for it as does the title. Think about going into a bookstore and you see rows, upon rows of books. Each one of them is designed with a catchy title and art work meant to snare your attention. Your title is great, but finding some art work that grabs attention wouldn't hurt either.
Next, I would suggest spending time reading other fanfics, but also joining groups that are beneficial to you and that have your interests. Groups are excellent areas to not only hang out with people that share your interests, but also provide a way to promote and share your stories with people who are interested in the same thing. I love Rarity, I am in the Rarity group and Nightmare Rarity group. For you, I would suggest the The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau and the School for New Writers. Fantastic places that help you out as a new person getting into writing and trying to get stories out there.
Anyway, I'll read on your story through out the week and post some suggestions tat could help your story and your writing as I go along.
Hello!
From what I can tell from the Prologue, you seem to be missing a bit of punctuation.
This sentence was a bit awkward to read since it was lacking commas. What you have here is a complex sentence, and it would run much smoother with commas inserted into the right places. Your wording is a bit awkward as well. The sentence just doesn't sound right when spoken out loud. I would rewrite it like this:
"Although I've thoroughly enjoyed our little quarrel, I'm afraid I have to go," Chrysalis applauded the six ponies with barely disguised mockery. Without waiting for an answer, the Changeling Queen turned around, her crooked horn glowing with magic."
I know it seems pretty drastic, but using different words and punctuation can make a big difference. Try being more vivid with your descriptions, throw me a bone, make me feel as if I'm right there with the ponies!
I hope this helped!
Also, if you've any more questions, don't hesitate to shoot me a message!
EDIT: Aha, perhaps I should take my own advice! I had a few spelling mistakes myself. Oops!
Well, sense those two seem to be commenting before reading the whole thing I might as well. I agree with Blood Lord some what, posting the whole thing all at once is not a typical thing to do. A cover art would help a lot, after all I only clicked on this story by chance. Just from reading the summary I can already think of 3 different pictures make neat cover art. Of course asking the author. Having all the chapters posted at once and it's over 20,000 words makes the story look intimidating to a lot of readers. Not saying I will get around to it soon but I will read this at some point... or at least I plan to.
Heartfelt reunion inbound.
I'm liking this story!
For a second I thought Weaving Silver just assumed Celestia's form to convince Wildheart. XD
Epic finale is epic!