Luna's Lover

JadeHarley #1 · Dec 11th, 2013 · · ·

Well, you need a bit of work on things, like for one the entire story was in bold lettering, not sure if that was on purpose or a mistake. But either way, don't do it. also, some sentences are too short. another thing I caught:

Your starts. Your stars are the most beautiful

Your stars* (it says Starts, not Stars)

Annyyy way, you've earned yourself a like from me.

BOM

BOM #2 · Dec 11th, 2013 · · ·

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Fist off would just like to say that I think you have some good ideas and I did enjoy reading this.

But there are a couple of points I think you should work on. First off is spelling and tenses, some of them are all over the place

'Comet Tail know that it would take a long while for Luna to get to read his letter.'

'knew' not know.

I would recommend reading your work out load a few times literally word for word to help pick up on these issues (works for me) or get a family or friend to proof read it.

Lastly one lesson that has always stuck with me is; 'show don't tell'. Try to show the characters emotions and actions, don't just flat out tell the audience as it makes for dull reading and leaves little up to the imagination. Sometimes you do have to tell the audience information or an emotion, otherwise the story would be a mess. But as a rule of thumb it works well.

Hope I have helped and good luck in the future.

darkstone57

darkstone57 #3 · Dec 11th, 2013 · · ·

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A very sad but good story. I liked it. Good do with a couple of tweaks but I liked it.

_twilightprincess_

_twilightprincess_ #4 · Dec 12th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Hey guys! Thanks for the comments. I had a few typos here and there, but that is because I was writing at 12 o'clock in the evening. And you must keep in mind I am from a non-english speaking country and I am doing my best. The bold letters were a mistake. Forgot it on that setting from when I wrote the title.
Next time i'll proofread.

mlc894

mlc894 #5 · Jan 1st, 2014 · · ·

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Overall, I really like this story! The ideas in this fic are poignant and help keep the story moving. The letter in the middle and the monologue at the end are very well-done!
Some constructive criticism: I can summarize the biggest problem with this fic with the old adage, "show, don't tell". What I mean is that, after the scene with the letter, most of your sentences just tell me what is happening, without any sort of input from Luna's point of view.
We never hear her thoughts, and don't get to experience the panic that she feels as she is searching for Comet Tail. Imagine the potential of the scene where she searches for him, but in vain! Upon each new location that she covers, the knowledge that Comet Tail needs her and that she might be too late claws at the edges of her attention! What about that cold, sinking feeling once she finally does find him, laying on the ground? All of this is literary gold, if you can use it! A good rule of thumb is, if you can let me know something is happening without the narrator telling me that it happened, do it.
You seem to have a lot of potential and some really good ideas! I'm excited to read what you will do next! Followed!
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I noticed a few typos: I'm not sure which ones you've already seen.

Your starts. Your stars are the most beautiful things ever.

I think you meant stars.

Comet Tail know that it would take a long while

I think "knew"

He might die until she reads it.

I do believe you meant before she reads it.

She asked the guards how he looked like.

I think "what he looked like"

There Luna saw on the grown a white stallion

I think "on the ground"

There a dozen of doctors

Delete "of"

she could hear “Thank you,Luna,”.

More of a technical thing; the quotation should probably look like this:

she could hear "Thank you, Luna."

They were walking in a field, a flower field.

Perhaps "They were walking in a field of flowers"?

Hours passes. Tension grew.

You probably meant "Hours passed".

IT was Comet Tail.

I really can't think of why you should capitalize the T in IT.
Also, make sure to keep the verbs all in the same tense!

Dude With No Life

Dude With No Life #6 · May 12th, 2014 · · ·

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I like the premise. However, some more character development for Comet would be nice, as well as more details on just what happened when he died. Just saying that he did doesn't convey much emotion.
And from a technical standpoint, you need to be longer with your sentences. Many of them were only a couple of words, when it would be smoother with more. That's not to say just fluff it with useless stuff, just read it and see if it's choppy, or if it flows.
Even if you want to do a silent story with no dialogue, use thought. Use something to convey what the characters are feeling and thinking. That's the key to a good story, is being able to relate to and connect with the characters.
Anyway, good luck with future endeavors, and if you wish to bounce ideas off of me, I'd be more than happy to help!

Love and Tolerance,
DWNL

Blobskin