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Harmony and Chaos, the two Fundamental Essences, wage a bitter war over the fate of the Universe.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Magic, faces more royal duties than she could have ever imagined.
What does it mean to be a Princess?
Why did Luna rebel?
Where does evil come from?
Is anyone safe?
When goddesses fall, who can come to their rescue?
Who is Twilight Sparkle?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Any feedback would be appreciated here! I'm looking forward to this one; Hopefully by the time I'm done I'll have given a solid framework to the really fundamental concepts of FIM and the history of Equestria.
Hope you enjoy it.
The suspence is killing me ! What happened to Celestia?? I can't wait till the next chapter, goo!d job!
3615294 Thanks!
Celestia's POV next chapter.
Chapter title: The Calm Before
Feedback... this feedback is paid in all the likes this story deserves but doesn’t have.
The suspense is nice, but the expectation is low because we have no idea of what could have happened, as you haven’t presented any evil characters or other things to give the problem meaning.
The chapters could be a little longer, especially since you use a lot of each chapter on things which seem to be secondary things, such as dreams and Twi’s morning routines. There hasn’t happened much in the story at this point.
You are good at writing what the ponies are thinking but the feelings are not that believable, and as a reader you do not feel them. Especially Luna in the ending of ch.1 is jumping to conclusions very fast, not to say that the ending of both chapters seem too fast and that is countering the suspense.
Tip of the day:
The story does not have a captivating beginning (prelude don’t know the right word) and this have to be in the first chapter to capture the most readers.
And there is to much double-spacing in the description of the story
..... Alright, then, this hooked me instantly. The summary's also very good. I love how you portray the sisters' relationship and how everything is detailed. Can't wait to read the second chapter. ^_^
I disagree- my expectations are incredibly high for this. I only hope you don't dash them most expertly, good sir.
For the sake of formatting, I think you need to insert a line-break where that part about Luna's actions is, to separate it from Twilight's, else it ruins the flow a little. Other than that, your grammar's refreshingly spot on. You have no idea how much that means to us readers. ^_^
I continue to adore the relationships you're painting here. Twilight's attitude towards the princesses is exactly how I would imagine it myself. I love this story, and I hope you update soon. ^_^
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3616529
Thanks for your thoughtful input! Longer chapters are definitely coming. I've approached a crisis from two simultaneous points of view now in the span of a few story hours, so not much has happened in the way of development. The problem's meaning is what the whole project will be about. If what I have planned is what winds up here, this will be a long haul.
Luna's jumping to conclusions because she knows exactly what's going on.
I will work on slowing the pace though, when I step away from it and read it later, it does seem that it came through my keyboard much slower than it will be read, so my perception of pace was too drawn out.
We're gonna hit a landmine and then the story's off and rolling.
Edit: P.S. The questions in the description will get answers through the action of this story, that's my goal. Hopefully it's a good enough hook to keep us all hanging onto it.
3616529 Thanks! I'll be steadily working on more. I'll take a look at the Ch. 2 Luna cutaway, I might not have executed that like I wanted to. I appreciate the second look!
I'll read this over the weekend but I would suggest replacing the "or" in the title with a colon (:) to make the end of chaos a subtitle
The Sentinels: The End of Chaos
or
Sentinels: The End of Chaos
I would suggest either because the "or" does not sound quite right
3621091 It's intended to be an alternate title. Many bona-fide works have used one.
Like Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus
Hey, this is Shunketsu! I'm writing to you because you submitted your fic to the Writers of Equestrian Lore for review. Keep in mind, this is not a grammatical review or a shrewd analysis of your skills, this is more of a general overview and a comment on your story.
So, to begin, I have to say that I am enjoying it so far, but the intro did not immediately hook me into it. I understood that you're going for a more historical perspective and thus dialogue is sparse at the moment, but there were a few times where even speech aloud to oneself can alleviate that feeling. As far as grammar and spelling are concerned, there are no major errors, and none I personally could point out. An editorial group would be best for that.
The premise seems interesting, as the idea for an absent Celestia and a newly crowned Twilight can be taken a number of ways. It's too early to make a comment on execution, so I won't try to sound like I know what I'm talking about when I don't. I can only wait and see what you have in store for our new princess. Also, if you want my advice, I would combine these two chapters, as they are not too long and still hold the central idea: A new problem has been introduced. (Think of a NEW chapter like a change of main idea working towards the same plot)
No score, not because it's bad, but because why score? I think that demoralizes a fic IMO. So, I'll just say that this was good enough to warrant a read, but if you want to attract more readers, I would recommend getting an editor, finding someone you can relate ideas to for writing, and keep it updated. Well, thanks for taking the time to read this!
~Shunketsu
are you ever going to finish it ?
:(