- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 13th, 2017
Tesshu
Is currently enrolled in Cross Martial Arts Academy. I am currently learning Hapkido and Kendo. I love archery, reading, and writing.
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Looks interesting, you've got my like.
D&D with Ponies?! Necromancy?! Blasphemy!
(Good thing I run a dark Paladin. Blasphemy is thus good!)
He breathed in the fresh air and admired the view of the apple trees in front of the forest that belonged to Apple Farm Acres or was it simply Apple Acres?
"You are correct!" Before she landed with a "boink". He glanced to where the cannon was and found it was not there anymore. This greatly confused him as his mind couldn't comprehend the unnatural events unfolding before him.
"She is really strange, I never seen talent like that before. Is she connected to the spirit world? It could explain the teleportation of objects such as the cannon." Dusk gave a sigh as he tried to cast away the question in fear of having his mind explode trying to figure Pinkie out.
"Have they taken advantage of you before?" It was more of a demand then a question.
True, Necromancers such as him tend to get angry often, but when it gets personal, well let's just say the pony should just kill themselves to avoid his wrath. Well no, that will not work because he can bring them back from the grave and kill them again, and again, and again.
Don't feel like pointing everything out right now. This should get you started though.
I'm going to favorite this because my curiosity is peaked, but I'll hold off on the like until you really grab my attention.
Why so many dislikes? It's only the first chapter!
3601282
Thank you for pointing them out DaGoomba.
As for the dislikes I guess because I am using the seventh element trope or think Soul Dusk is a Mary Sue since he is a Necromancer..Another reason they might dislike it is that there are no gore, yet
3600442>>3600152
I'm glad you two liked it.
The reason you are getting so many dislikes is the incomprehensible grammar and typos in your summary. I count FIVE errors in the first sentence alone!
Can you spot them all? With proper grammar it should read: "We have all heard stories where in the beginning there was a seventh element, even stories where only one pony can defeat a great evil."
Even that still feels awkward and stilted, though technically correct. A better rewrite would go: "We have all heard the stories that begin with a seventh element, where only one pony can defeat a great evil." Still not a very interesting sentence, but much better than it was.
I must know more, you have peaked my interest my friend. Keep up the good work.
3602298
Wow, I have no excuse for not noticing them. That is a big embarrassment on my part. I will work on a better description right away, Thank you for pointing that out to me. It goes to show how much I have to learn to be a good writer.
3602598 The new summary is better but still contains five errors, mostly issues with redundant tense.
The first once established the past tense of the sentence, so the second once is redundant and messes up your sentence structure.
Another tense issue, bathe is present tense and lived is past tense. It should be bathed.
Two mistakes here, you are not really supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction unless it is dialogue, (though some people debate this, it is still awkward,) and the had is more redundant tense since cast already works as either present or past tense, and is obviously past tense in the context of the sentences.
Comma after "eons."
In short, every dislike you have is almost certainly due to people looking at your summary and hitting the dislike button, not because of the seventh element, or gary stuism, or lack of gore, or any other factor of the story itself. People aren't as nitpicky about occasional typos within the story itself, but most over the age of 16 won't read a story that has even one mistake in the summary. I haven't even looked at the story since I was so turned off by how poorly written the summary was!
Edit: took a look at your thumbnail summary.
Should read: "A forgotten darkness shall tear down the innocence of Equestria to reveal the dark reality of harmony."
Still not very interesting, but not as awkward as "unremembered."
3603038
Yea, I get what you mean. Because if you do not have a good description there is a high chance that you won't draw people in.
Goddamn, how did I miss the summary? Ah well, that's what happens when I attempt to proof-read a story at 2 in the morning.
Not bad, but there are still glaringly obvious errors to be fixed. You need to work on the "when" of your writing. "Once upon a time,..." is an obvious hint that we're speaking in past tense. Which means that everything you write afterwards must be written the same way. "Now after eons,..." means that we've switched from past to present, so your writing should reflect that change as well.
By the way, "Now, eons have passed, and..." sounds much better than, "Now, after eons,..."
Only two mistakes this time: "is" should be "was" and "casts" should be "cast"
The English language is very dependent on the tense, also known as the "when," of the language. If English isn't your first language this can be a rough adjustment.
Once you pick a tense, all of your prose needs to be in that tense. Most stories are written in past tense, though a few brave souls have managed stories in present tense. Only dialogue or quoted character thoughts can violate this rule, since people may speak in different tenses depending on what they are referring to.
In regards to all the people talking about tense, that is important if you want your readers to enjoy it.
Just be glad it isn't Latin. I'll give some actual feedback in a bit, going to the aforementioned Latin class as of now.
3605371>>3606000
Thank you for the advice about my tense issue, I will try to keep those in mind.
On a related note I've got a proofreader to help me fix the story, so hopefully I can get it clean in a couple of days or so,
he will burn for dishonoring apple jack.
first I will find eight well endowed zebras. cut out his voice box and inform the zebras tat he is my mutated sister that was born with to much male and not enough fe.
and then I will pay them every bit I can scrounge up to give her the roughest longest gang-bang they can manage.
and tell them that every noise she makes means she likes it.
and then I will nail his dick to a board after I butcher off is sheath.
then Iwill cut off his limbs and carterize the wounds with a blow torch.
then I will vut out his eyes his lips and his noes.
but I will leavehis ears so that when he shows his face in public children will cry and women will scream "dear god what is that thing"
which he will hear through his perfect untouched ears.
3613457
I knew AJ fans will get furious at him. Best be angry at him now because they will not have a friendly bond. xD
3613487
Oh don't worry, he will get a bad reputation with the town. Also you forgot the "horn cutting" part of the plan, otherwise they are screwed. xD
3613724
I knew I like you
i love this story
More
Well you have my interest now
looking forward to seeing what you write next