A single event opens the eyes of Twilight to something she had, for so long, denied. The depth of the love she discovers will forever change what she values and will lead her on the first steps of a journey that will affect the future of Equestria.
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Thank you very much. There are some rather confusing parts here which I see need work.
I hope you lt's not considered bad form to edit after publishing but I'm afraid I have to.
I hope the second chapter is enjoyable.
The nicknames and the "OMG" feel really out of place
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Thanks again -
Interesting... Is "OMG" too 21st century earth or out of character? Maybe it's the whole God/Gosh thing. (not very Equestrian.) It seemed kind of cute and not too far from the character, but author's are often the worst judges of things like that. Tend to get too close to the work...
Ahhh, Macca - It's Paul McCartney's nickname. I figured if any Beatles fans were drawn to the story due to the subtle theme thingy and read it they'd have a laugh, but it's a very obscure bit of info. I'm sort of glad you said that - and with apologies to Sir Paul, the name sounds a bit like a cat coughing up a hairball. Think I'll just go with Macintosh. Actually now that I think of it, I went with those nicknames because they provided a counterpoint to the cerebral nature of their friendship. A bit hackneyed, that...
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I do think it's a little too modern, but that's ultimately your decision. And kudos to you, you take criticism better than most people on this site.
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Thanks yet again-
My chief objective, above all else, is to stay as true to the characters as I can while telling their story. I've seen a lot of great stories here but often, when it comes to the nature of the character they go off the tracks. It can be very challenging, especially when characters are taken out of their universe.
I suppose that people are fans for a variety of reasons, but I happen to love the Mane Six, and for me if I stray too far from who they are (at least to me) then I'm wasting my time as well as the readers.
Of course having said that I give Big Macintosh a secret identity as the president of MENSA.
If I can't take the time to consider your critique then it's disrespectful to someone who took the time to read what I wrote and then offer their take on it and help to keep me on track. I was very happy to get the 7 thumbs up but I was also kind of psyched to get the thumbs down - it was like getting in the mix.
Ultimately I hope to continue to live up to your initial take. Interesting is a great adjective to have applied to you writing.
This reads like a soap opera. I keep imagining Gone With the Wind or Guiding Light as I read. Also, maybe put all flashbacks in italics? It would make it an easier read, in my opinion, if one could more easily differentiate between scene changes of past and present.
I'm not saying it's bad, but the pacing changes and out-of-character moments seem to be cropping up more often. Has anyone suggested getting a pre-reader to help you with some of the details?
Beautiful
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I'm sorry I never responded to you! I just saw this (after all these years!) I really needed to see that word, I spent a fair amount of on this and to see that someone else got what I was trying to say, (in one word no less!) is very uplifting! Thank You!