One day Night Writer had a huge fight with his parents which led him to run away. Now he lives with Rainboom his best freind and his sister Apple Fritter; bucking trees on their farm in Appaloosa, a few months later he and Rainboom went to Ponyville to see his sisters concert and to attend the Apple Family Reunion . At the concert, Night Writer sister shows Rainboom how to make some beats and he falls in love with music and gets his cuitemark. What will happen to Rainboom? Will his family accept the fact that he doesn't want to work on a farm?
Chapters (2)
That synopsis is amazing--sheer poetry, really. It reminds me of Shakespeare in its intricacies; Night Writer and Rainboom are already so incredibly detailed in the synopsis that we can fully immerse ourselves in the story with the characterization already present.
Good night, sweet prince (of writing).
You have no idea what the shift key is for, do you?
3562189
ya it a key that is use to capitalize a letter. it just i am far to lazy to use it.
Just kidding well if you are talking about the description ya i was so busy with the chapter i forget to edit that and i will fix it.
3562441
Yeah, that was sarcasm. 3562179 wasn't being serious and actually meant the opposite of what was said.
In other words, your summary is bad.
3563749
yes i know i put that there for the 1 in million chance that yipyapper meant it.Also thank for not saying that it suck which it did.
3562179
thanks for the comment but i can do without the sarcasm.
ok let make this clear i do not mind what you guys post as long as it not to inappropriate . but i will not except thing that has to do with murder,suicide or rape if you want to post this stuff do it some were else.
3572148
Well, I didn't need to say it because obviously you knew this already didn't you? The question then is why did you release this story into the wild knowing what it is you know?
And unfortunately you've lost whatever point of chance or whatever that you wanted to make once you deleted those comments. Your story will fail, nobody will read it with no thumbs up, a bad summary and deleted comments except to say how bad this story is. So really I would say your best bet is to cancel this story and try something else.
3572889
Well i tell you why I was excited to post my frist story that I did not think it though. Thanks for the advice I think you are right.
Why is your description a mile long? Did not very clear explain that should only be four sentences at most? Plus, there isn't even a cover image which doesn't help. You could put anything there and no one would care. Look. Shorten description. No half the description size. Get a cover image say, Appaloosa, Apple Fritter or some apple trees anything just something.
So... I normally wouldn't have read this at all, because the description is still a bit off-putting. Much better than it was, judging from the comments, but it could still use some polishing. I can see you're trying though, so I decided to give your story a quick read.
You could use another editor/proof-reader to pick up some of the flaws that the first one missed. There were several, even ignoring the grammar and word-choice problems sprinkled through-out. Luckily, most of those weren't the sort that tripped me up. For the most part, I understood what was going on, except for this sentence.
At first I thought that meant he was living with his sister in Appleloosa. It took awhile before I realized she was in Ponyville. Using the word staying, instead of living, would have been a better choice. It's much more transitory.
Also, roughly how old is Night Writer's sister? I guess she's old enough to live alone? Are neither of them living with their parents? It'd be nice to know if Apple Fritter is older or younger, considering she's acting very motherly towards them. Are Apple Fritter's and Rainboom's parents dead? And where was Braeburn? He was mentioned once, and then forgotten.
Here are the two major things which perplexed me utterly.
I can accept a unicorn learning a telekinesis spell, but then you didn't even show him using it. Seeing their actual dialog would have been a nice way to show the difficulty of the spell, how hard it is to use, and possibly why they don't typically bother (or some other reason for why it is rare.) It also would have shown the personality of his sister.
However, since they've been to Ponyville before, there really shouldn't be a need to talk to her through telekinesis, given the cursory information that he received. That was stuff he probably could have found out when he went there last, or through a prior letter that he sent to her. The only thing he didn't know for certain was that she was happy to see him on such short notice, but he probably knows her well enough to know she likes him dropping by, and sending her a letter would keep his arrival from being unexpected, which is about the only thing that might upset her.
Also, why in the world would an earth pony, who's specialty is music, be named Rainboom? I realize there is the fact they get their cutie marks later in life and they get named at birth, but... Rainboom is a special pegasus move that seems like it has nothing to do with this character. I wouldn't say Rainbow Dash is the only one who can perform it, since it might be possible that others could, but I'm still assuming they need to be a pegasus, or an alicorn, or a pony with a flight spell of some sort.
One of the biggest overall problems though was unintentional redundancy. There was a lot of that, but a few too many examples to provide. There is also a lot of unnecessary stuff that could have been edited out, just in general. Realistically speaking, this probably could have been edited down entirely, until it was only a small scene in the first chapter, or dropped completely.
If nothing else, the content of the letters really served no purpose. You could have dropped those, since Apple Fritter had to inform the OCs about the change of plans. Later on, you could have had Applejack react to Apple Fritter's comments about Night Writer and possibly even bring them up.
Presumably he'll get in trouble, which will give AJ reason to say, "Apple Fritter warned me about you. Guess I should've taken her seriously."
Or something like that.
I realize you're trying to set-up these two characters, so the reader knows what they're like and who the important ponies in their life are, but if the story isn't taking place in Appleloosa, there isn't any reason to start there. Certainly not for a full prologue. Nothing really happens. Not that something always has to happen, but for OCs especially, you really need to grab the readers right away, and convince them to invest their time in your story. I would have never finished reading this if I hadn't made myself, so I could offer some proper feedback.
I think some subtle hints to Apple Fritter's nature could have easily been made through dialog or narrative thoughts, and the rest of the necessary information given in the prologue could have been brought up within Ponyville and sprinkled around, or referred to in a small scene set during the train ride.
3595609
i thank you for taking your time to read this and i will fix it
.But first i should tell you Rainboom is my best friend oc and a Pegasus 
not a name i would choose thought . as to night writers sister i did not show them talking because i want to keep who she is a secret till next chapter.Also i want to give Rainboom and Night writers parents there own chapter about them later that will also show Night Writer and Rainbooms past 
.As for there age night writer is 22 night writers sister is 20 Rainboom is 20 and apple fritter is 30.