Chapter one
"Pinkie i know you enjoy partying but you need to take a break whilst you recover or this is just going to get worse" Said the doctor as he inserted the needle into Pinkie Pie's arm.
"OWIE!" squirmed Pinkie as she squinted with pain resisting the urge to pull her hoof away and hold it.
The Doctor quickly squeezed the oozy liquid into Pinkie's arm and took the injection out, she saw the pain on Pinkie's face and didn't want to hurt the poor mare any more than she had already.
"Doctor..." Pinkie said wiping the sweat from her forehead "Doctor i feel" Pinkie started panting frantically as her vision became blurred and she felt her entire body go numb "Doctor i feel si..." before she could finish what she was saying she felt darkness take her as she collapsed to the floor.
"Help! I need an ambulance right now" Yelled the Doctor as she ran out of the room for help.
Chapter One
A four part story by PhaseJam
"AppleJack get over here ah need a hand" said Braeburn who was helping collect apples since Big Macintosh had become sick.
"Am on it" said Applejack taking one of the baskets off of Braeburn and placing it onto the wagon that was now overflowing with baskets of apples.
"Ah think we did a pretty darn good job for a mornings work" said Braeburn giving Applejack a high hoof.
"Thanks Braeburn ya really saved ma life by doing this" said Applejack as she watched Braeburn reverse into the harness attaching him to the wagon. He started trotting off back to the barn but as he got just over half way he started sweating he stopped just as an attempt to catch his breath but as he did he developed a cramp in his stomach that tightened so much that he collapsed, his heart started beating extremely quickly causing him to curl up in pain.
"Have you heard about all these ponies getting sick Twilight?" Twilight turned around after realising that the person was talking to her she was greeted by a warm smile but she sensed a hint of concern on RainbowDash's face.
"I know i shouldn't worry about stuff like this Twi but i'm really worried about ponies like Applejack, i hope they are safe because they are isolated but what if they are sick? It would take anypony at least ten minutes to get there" Said RainbowDash pacing back and forth and with every step her smile got less and less until her face just showed morbid fear.
"Rainbow don't worry about Applejack she can look after herself, we need to focus on making sure Ponyville doesn't get too bad. My place is here, protecting those that can't defend themselves and i can't abandon that duty, if you're really worried maybe you should go round and just check up quickly" Twilight said as she turned around and started trotting off towards the hospital.
"Urghhhh" Moaned Pinkie Pie as she regained conciseness" She opened her eyes slowly seeing two Doctors stood over her examining her eyes.
"You gave us quite the scare Miss Pie, you are very very sick and will need to stay in this hospital for at least two weeks as we have found traces of a strange variation of rabies in your blood stream, if you need anything here is Doctor Redburn he will try his best to answer any questions you may have" Explained the Doctor as he walked out and called a Nurse over.
"What is it Doctor?" said the Nurse with a smile as cheerful as ever on her face.
"Pinkies skin has become very pale and her eyes are getting more bloodshot with every minute that passes, my prediction is she wont last the night but i want somebody watching her every second of the day just incase she slips unconscious again" ordered the Doctor as he started trotting to his next patient.
"Sweetie Belle! Get out of bed you will be late for school and i wont be explaining myself to Cheerilee again, this is the third time this week!" yelled a very frustrated Rarity.
"Rarity.. Cheerilee won't mind she knows that i am sick" said Sweetie Belle putting on the most pathetic voice that she could.
"Nice try sweetheart but you can't fool me i saw you last night in the snack drawer feasting on that rubish!" said Rarity very proud that she had caught her little sister out.
"Awhh come on" said Sweetie Belle getting out of bed and whipping the tap water off of her forehead.
As Fluttershy was walking through town she saw this shady looking pony he caught her eye so she suspiciously approached him and said with a very quiet voice "um.. excuse me... i don't mean to bother you but uhh...... i noticed that i haven't seen you before..... and well..... are you new in town?" looking down at her hoofs that were messing up the dirt underneath her.
"You have no idea what is going on right now. Soon you will see the darkest side of everybody you know, you and all your friends will be dead by tonight so say your goodbyes" as he said that he walked off.
Fluttershy just stood there with her jaw dropped.
"Hmm looks like Twilight won't be much help, looks like i'm on my own" Rainbow shot off into the sky like a bullet and flew at a cruising speed towards Applejacks farm but as she got closer fear started to infect her mind.
After a few minutes of flying she started to smell something rancid, it was horrible, it overpowered her nostrils causing her to gag she started looking around for where the smell was coming from and quickly noticed that there was smoke coming from the barn. She threw herself into overdrive jetting towards the barn.
She saw Applejack on the balcony yelling and beaconing Rainbow over.
"Rainbow help they are everywhere!" yelled Applejack with pure fear in her voice.
Rainbow landed next to Applejack "AJ who's everywhere? why is the barn on fire? what in the name of Celestia is going on?" she said stunned by what she was hearing.
To be continued.
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This is one of the best stories ive read i dont think i can stop now that i read it!
I cant wait to see your skills at work in the next chapter thx for a great story and BTW, the story is Great dont feel down that its not good because It IS! Its Amazing even.
3485494 Yes i do speak English and i use my ability to speak English in a way to try and express my creativity by doing stuff like writing. Not like you who takes the piss out of peoples work leaving nasty comments and disliking people that actually enjoyed what i wrote so stop being such a stuck up jerk and just grow the fuck up.
3489542 So what you're saying is that we have to like everything we see and we aren't allowed to have an opinion.
Sounds about right.
3489856 you're allowed to have an opinion but how about instead of broadcasting it through a YouTube video you express your opinion and instead of being a hateful little troll like most people on the internet you express it constructively?
3489856
Don't you know?
His Opinion>Your Opinion
3489864 Did you ever consider the fact that it might have been a joke? No? Okai.
3489864
What if that is his literal opinion? And instead of trying to understand him, you instead berate him for using what he thought would be a humorous response so as to soften the blow of his opinion?
3489876 A joke that i found offensive since it was a clear stab at my poor English skills.
3489876 I have dyspraxia and that means i struggle with things like this i'm not asking you to like my work im asking you to respect it. I know my English is bad but i'm trying to not let it stop me from writing. Im open to all criticism you have just don't belittle me like la Barata did. Out of all the communities i thought this would be the one that wasn't as hateful as most on the internet are.
Where to start where to start. Well first off, I love zombies and while I was never too fond of the Walking Dead TV show I loved the premise. I look forward to seeing people run with it and do a better job than the show.
I agree that negative comments really serve no purpose. You want constructive help to improve and I support that 100% So, are they humans or ponies? Cause you use terms like person, arms and hands when it should be pony, legs, and hooves. But you also have characters being hooked up to carts and "Trotting off" which makes me think ponies. Also trotting off while towing a cart is pretty impressive because a trot is fairly leisurely and you said the cart was full of apples which would imply it is heavy.
When you switch from one scene to the next in the same chapter it helps if you put a spacer like a line of asterisks.
****************************************************************************************
Like that ^ to make it clear we are in a whole new scene. Other wise we jump from AJ and Brae to Twilight then back to Pinkie, then to Sweetie Belle. Its rather confusing.
Why would the Doctor not tell Pinkie how serious her condition is? It might make her cooperate more. Also, why is bloodshot eyes and paleness mean Pinkie is going to die? That happens to me when I skip breakfast, don't get enough sleep, and spend the day running on Red Bull and pouring hot sauce in my eyes. A Doctor would have a bit more to say to make his case that Pinkie wouldn't last the night. It also helps us the readers understand the stakes. Right now I just feel that the doctor is incompetent.
...huh?
This is rather OOC as Fluttershy is sometimes nervous around her own friends. And the first time she met Twilight she could barely talk. Would she really approach some random pony that you describe as...
So he looks shady and he is a pony she doesn't know. considering she is afraid of her own shadow it makes little sense she would approach him.
Jumping back to the beginning for a moment...
See here you use "anypony" when other times you say "person." Its a little confusing because we associate person with human. Also, ten minutes really isn't that big a deal. In fact that is rather quick all things considered.
Over all your story jumps from place to place making it a very confusing story. You also really need to re-read your work because there are a lot of errors you could easily catch on your own with a re-read. You don't need to be a grammar Nazi to know to capitalize certain words (like proper names and i's), or when to use periods. Re-reads would also help you catch poor wording like...
If you did re-read your story then you desperately need to find yourself a pre-reader/ editor, or take more care with your re-reads. The story feels very rushed and that no care was taken with it. Also, with the advent of things like Google Docs and Microsoft word, programs that can check your spelling and even grammar, its really inexcusable to have so many problems in your story. Dyspraxia or not. I sympathise with your dyspraxia situation and understand how it can cause problems for you. I am glad to see you aren't letting it ruin your life and still venture to try and write. That being said, since I had no idea what dyspraxia was I had to research it a bit and found that it has nothing to do with an inability to use commas, periods, or the shift key. I also couldn't find anywhere that mentioned dyspraxia stopped you from being able to re-read your work and fix mistakes you made first time around. But...you know...Wikipedia... not exactly a reliable source.
I hope my advice helps you to become a better writer and to improve this story which has potential. I would also advice you to grow a thicker skin than whatever flimsy covering you are currently using. This is the internet mate, where you are going to hear peoples opinions whether you like it or not and some of them are not going to be very nice. You can either take it to heart and let it ruin your day, or you can turn into a whiny little cunt and tell people to fuck off for posting YouTube videos. They're just expressing their opinion. But I see your point...
You are right, people shouldn't broadcast their opinion through a YouTube video. That is just disgraceful and pathetic. In fact it makes me think of this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KrEOW6omais
I hate whiny little chodes like this who just go on YouTube to bitch and broadcast their opinions. (cough)hypocrite(cough)
One last thing, to save you time. Yes, I am friends with Barata. And when you delete this comment like the child...no...not child because that implies all children are whiny little cunts. When you delete this comment like the whiny cunt you are, I and he will still be right. And it wont change the fact that you clearly made an alternate account and used it to leave a positive comment on your story. How can I tell you may ask? Other than the fact that the account was made two weeks before the story was posted, their only friend is you, and they suck this stories dick like a $5 hooker? Simple, they make the same grammar and spelling errors you do.
TA!
3490284 Thank you for the feedback :)