A human boy is transported to Equestria in order to save it by using the power of the lost element of harmony that has been passed down through the generations. Will he succeed in mastering his powers, or will he fall to the evil that awaits him?
I just read chapter 1, liked it, put this story under tracking and I checked for any new updates and saw this updated and was like" well 9000 more words to go " any ways good chapter I like the story so far
I'm sorry, but if this is the quality that I have to look forward to from the rest of the story, I'm out. Everything regarding the interactions between characters feel so ham-fisted and forced that it killed all interest in the story itself, and reading the dialogue between the characters felt worse than a grind (if the dialogue was just pointless filler) or a chore (if the dialogue was just poorly written, in the grammar/spelling context). You're still a rookie, so don't get dissuaded. I've pointed out the areas you need to work on, but everything else about the story is solid (as far as I read). Use this as a chance to reflect on what you've written and improve upon it.
I just read chapter 1, liked it, put this story under tracking and I checked for any new updates and saw this updated and was like" well 9000 more words to go " any ways good chapter I like the story so far
6597055 Thank you very much! I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying it so far!
6597816
No problem. I like the relestic factor and build up, I don't really like when story's give a character op powers and no trouble
And here goes the insta-forgiveness cliché. Look, the story feels very unrealistic with the character interactions. Alexis' and Applejack's interaction just feels like two cardboard cutouts reading off a script in a forceful manner, compared to Alexis and Scootaloo who felt much more like a real interaction between an extremely stressed teen and an overly rambunctious child (even if it is extremely rushed due to adopting a child after only knowing them for a few hours at most). After reading the part where Alexis and AJ fought (with Alexis being hostile for understandable reasons and AJ being a self-righteous hypocrite) and then the attempt to paint Alexis as if he was in the wrong, I was about to just leave and call it off as a poorly executed story. Alexis has every single right to be angry and hostile to the Mane Six and Celestia after what they did (it would have been an interesting conflict in the story if he was for a long time and the Mane Six and Celestia had to come to terms with the fact that they caused some major permanent harm to a bystander, as well as alienating said bystander, in their rushing to get the seventh element). I can't think of a single reason why I'd even consider being friends with them if I was in Alexis' shoes. They kidnapped me, changed my form, and are now forcing me to fight their battle, all without even apologizing for destroying my life. My response would have been a general "Go fuck yourselves. There's no way I'm going to be friends with you," to all of them. The moment that Alexis yelled at Scootaloo and then shortly later charged off to rescue her, felt like an actual turning point for the quality of the story. It felt like a well done scene and a good shot of how Alexis was growing as a character. However, the moment Alexis told AJ "I'm completely in the wrong for yelling at you for ruining my life, of which the facts do prove that you had a key role" utterly destroyed that feeling. You've got some skill at weaving a story, but you are rushing a lot of things that need to be dragged out in order to make things fit together smoothly and not feel muted.
I'm sorry, but if this is the quality that I have to look forward to from the rest of the story, I'm out. Everything regarding the interactions between characters feel so ham-fisted and forced that it killed all interest in the story itself, and reading the dialogue between the characters felt worse than a grind (if the dialogue was just pointless filler) or a chore (if the dialogue was just poorly written, in the grammar/spelling context). You're still a rookie, so don't get dissuaded. I've pointed out the areas you need to work on, but everything else about the story is solid (as far as I read). Use this as a chance to reflect on what you've written and improve upon it.
Anypony else notice he used magic at least twice already?
*COUGH*VINYL&OCTAVIA*COUGH*
9666639
*COUGH* Lyra & Bon bon *COUGH*