While trapped in the moon, Luna falls in love with Night. Then, after she returns to Equestria, he visits her and they begin to rekindle their old relationship. The only problem is, the only time she can see Night is at night. Luna must make a decision: stay in Equestria or leave forever to be with her true love.
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Alicorn oc with 500 word chapters? The only time she can see Night is at....Night? Well holy balls that's got to be a deal breaker right there.
>Alicorn OC
>Black
>Less than 1k word chapters.
>No
1. Night is a REALLY bad OC name. Like, could you be less creative?
2. The only time she can see him is at night? Why is this a problem? She's the goddamned Princess of the moon. The night is kind of her thing.
3. What the hell why would she have to leave Equestria that does not even make sense
Now. On to the actual story!
You need to actually write out numbers. Instead of '1000 years', it should be 'one thousand years'. If you are tying to be a writer, write.
Also, we don't need a recap of how she wound up in the moon (Celestia banishing her), because we know that, given that this is a site for ponyfic about the show that we have all, presumably, watched.
soooo she has the post on the moon? If she can send a damn letter, what's stopping her from sending herself
proper nouns like names need to be capitalized
Are you high? The moon belongs to Luna. I think she would have noticed.
Entire fourth chapter: Nope. Or, in the words of Luna: Nay. Nay. Nay. Nay.
This is just... bad. Have a downvote.
The OC is freaking gorgeous I really like the plot
I approve
Still loving this fic so hey you have one fan
Ummm... what did I just read?
I...I like it. Though it is severely lacking in a lot of aspects.
Your grammar is... surprisingly good. It's far from perfect, but it is a lot better then half of the stuff I see on this site. I think your main downfall in this aspect has to be you paragraph spacing.
Now onto your biggest demon... pacing. You need bigger chapters, what you have written so far is about half of what I would put in a normal chapter. I suggest either combining what you have so far into one chapter or some how lengthen them.
I like the story, I honest to Celestia like the story. But... there is a lot of problems...
~ Michael
Make them longer chapters thin it mite work. Basically rewrite the chapter's to show more detail. Enplane who Night Is, how did they meat?, and other things like that. Have some compulsions in the relationship It makes it more enjoyability. Express the charters feelings. How do you make a friend?................. You get to know them. If the readers can't get to know the charters It's a falling story. Make the chapters at least 1000 words or more.
Hope this help's.
Shined
Slowbro95
P.S: If you have any questions or need help send me a P.M
I will be on anywhere from 2:00Pm to 9:00 PM CST(Central Standard Time). Hope to hear from you................MOO!
3409590
Plus I'd hate to be stuck in a place where each side of the room holds a bad.
I like this story. I know that a lot of people don't, but I do.
I like how that this chapter was longer... but the way that you space your paragraphs is driving my OCD mad!!!
~ Michael
3466713>>3466713 Thank you for the support, and yes I know about the paragraphs. I'm still working on spacing those out correctly.
3469388 My main quail is that you only space them out with one line break instead of two. Oh and if you ever need any help or anything feel free to ask! I'm always happy to help out!
~ Michael
It updates :)
I would love to see where this goes. Great job!
I really like where this is going. Keep up the good work!