A nightmarish experience

by PheonixCircle

Chapter 1

"Come Angel, it's time to sleep."

Fluttershy was very tired. She and her friends were helping Applejack at Sweet Apple Acres,due to Big Macintosh hurting himself, again. Well, this time, it wasn't his fault.

Twilight thought that using magic on him could let him work faster. Well, he was indeed faster, a lot to be a bit more specific, but he couldn't control his speed anymore and ran into the next tree, unable to work for some time.

Angel accompanied Fluttershy. Not because he wanted to help, but because he had to. Fluttershy had a good heart. But this was the problem, she didn't want to buck the trees to hard; She could disturb some critters. And Angel knew this too well, therefore he came along. He knew a spot on Fluttershys flank where she was especially ticklish, and everytime Fluttershy lifted her hooves, he tickled her in this spot, leading her to buck a lot harder than she wanted, and he had to grope her tail everytime he did, as he would have been thrown off her, making both of them exhausted in the progress.

Therefore both off them lay down, looking at the moon. Fluttershy whisperd "good night" into Angels direction, and even if only a subtle whisper reached him, he knew exactly what she meant, and both off them slept deeply some minutes later.

Fluttershy was awake early the next day, as she always was. The animals in and around her house needed her attention, and she was always willing to wake up before the sun rose at the horizon, looking after the nocturnal critters and waking the others. But this morning, something was off.

First off all, Angel was already awake. He wasn't in his bed anymore, which isn't too surprising, it happened before, but never after an exhausting day like the previous one. But what's stranger was the fact that she couldn't recall what she has done shortly after finishing the work with the critters. She suddenly noticed that she was standing outside, and the work was done.

She returned inside, a bit confused, but not worried. She went into the kitchen and took the shopping list she prepared the other day. Then she looked for Angel again, but he seemed to be nowhere. `He just needs some time for himself`, Fluttershy thought,as she went outside to go shopping the things on the list.

And then she saw her the first time. A dark pony, hiding in the shadows, glancing at Fluttershy with eyes full of love but burning with hatred at the same time. She seemed fragile yet big in appearence. Fluttershy didn't recognize her, no matter how hard she tried. The dark pony faded from her view, no matter how hard she concentrated on her.

Fluttershy was even more confused than she was earlier this morning, but what startled her the most was that the shadowy pony suddenly started to shout at her, but the sound had a strange feeling to it.. Even if the words had the feeling of being shouted, it sounded more like a whisper. And Fluttershy couldn't comprehend everything she said, only thew following two thing: `real` and `not your friends`. This was too much for Fluttershy, and she ran towards Ponyville, crying in fear.

As soon as she arrived in Ponyville, she had the urge to go home and lay in her bed, sleeping until this day was over. But she couldn't forget her critters and went on shopping. Everything seemed normal, but somehow grey, less lively than it was before. As she left the 'Sugarcube Corner' with the cake for one of her critters, she saw her friends walking down the street. She walked to them, said "Hello", and smiled. With her friends around, she was always feeling a lot better.

Twilight looked at her, turned her head towards Rarity and said "Look who's coming and greeting us. The scaredy-cat has left her hole." Fluttershy was hurt, never had Twilight reacted like this. The others started to laugh, and Rainbow Dash flew behind Fluttershy and spooked her.

Fluttershy was near crying. "Why are you doing this", she asked, "I thought you were my friends?".

"We never were your friends, we just used you, and now we have no need for you anymore. You aren't funny, you can't sew clothes and you are the worst flyer in all of Ponyville, no in all of Equestria" Rainbow Dash said, "You are a disgrace for all Pegasi, and for us five. You never should have recieved the Element of Kindness."

That was too much for Fluttershy. She started to cry again, wile the others laughed and criticized her even more. And than the shadowy pony reappeared, just behind Fluttershys 'Friends'. Fluttershy started to run, ignoring the "Wait, Fluttershy" from the shadow, the illusion, the dream.

Fluttershy returned home, and looked after the critters. She needed some distraction, someone caring for her. And the critters weren't disappointing her, as she suddenly started to realize something, someting she didn't really notice before.

Twilights eyes where glowing in a reddish- purple shimmer. "No, no, you imagined this." She told herself. Or did she? It seemed like someone was inside her head. But to this thought, there was no comment, no assurance that it was herself thinking she imagined the glow.

But Rainbow Dash too had the glow in her eyes, as well as Pinkie Pie and Rarity. She couldn't remember what Applejacks eyes looked like , as Applejack was looking away from her, like she was regretting what they were doing, but Fluttershy still remebered hearing her talking and laughing with the others.

"No, no, there was no glow in their eyes Fluttershy". This time, the voice seemed even less like her own. And suddenly everything went dark.

The light from the moon, who just rose above the horizon, seemed to vanish, as there was this voice, sounding over every other sound."Fluttershy, I told you to wait. How dare you defy the orders of ..." Silence.

As suddenly as the voice came, it was gone. " Fluttershy, turn around." She did what she was told, and looked herself into the face.

"Hello myself" the mirror said to her. Yes, she looked into a mirror, but the mirrored Fluttershy was independent from the real one. "I am here to help you."

" How do you want to help me?" Fluttershy asked. `Maybe it knows a way of changing my friends to the way they were before?`, she thought.

"There is no way of changing the true nature of others, but you could change yourself. You don't need the others. You are stronger than them, remember?" And the pictures of the dragon she convinced to leave Equestria appeared on the mirror.
"How will the change proceed?" Fluttershy asked. Why she asked? She didn't know, it felt right to her, and everything made sense. She didn't notice the reddish-purple glow of the mirror. The power it had on her mind.

"Just touch the mirror, and I will awaken your new, your true, self" Fluttershy lifted the hoof. The anger towards her old friends seemed stronger than before, the wish to show them that she wasn't a big a scaredy-cat they told she was grew.

And then she hesitated. She looked at the mirrored moon, recognizing the symol of her Element, her cutie mark. Kindness. She turned around, and where the element was, stood the illusional pony from before.

"I told you to wait, Fluttershy", the illusion told her. But it wasn't an illusion anymore. It was now a big, darkblue alicorn, her mane looked almost as the sky behind her, and in her eyes was sadness and hope.

"Who are you?" Fluttershy asked, already knowing the answer but in disbelief of its truth.

"I am Princess Luna, Princess of the night, the moon, and the stars. And I am the protector of dreams. And this vile creature inside your mirror is my worst enemy."

Fluttershy turned around and saw herself again, but entirly black with reddish-purple eyes. "These monsters are called 'Night Mares'. They were once residents of Equestria, before I was corrupted by the darkness. I suspect them to have had their fingers in it. They were studying dreams, and as soon as they realized they could change anypony by affecting their dreams, they turned against us.They survived within me, be it by corrupting me themselves or just by being lucky. And now they are on the loose again. But why did you run from me, Fluttershy? I told you that nothing was real, that your friends are not your friends, but illusions."

Fluttershy was so astonished by the majestic appearance before her, that she needed some time to recollect what had happened. " I couldn't understand nor recognized you", Fluttershy said, her voice almost trembling " I only understood 'real' and 'not your friends'."

"It doesn't matter anymore", Luna replied, her voice comforting Fluttershy. She turned to the mirror and seemed to grow, as she was walking towards it. "And you, begone. You will no longer disturb this kind filly's dream." Fluttershy was confused by being called a filly, but for the princesses everyone has to be a filly, for they were living over centuries. "VANISH INTO THE DARKNESS OFF OBLIVION AND NEVER RETURN INTO OUR REALM", Princess Luna commanded as she was gathering her power. She targeted the mirror with her horn, bursting the Night Mare inside the mirror while leaving the mirror in one piece.

She turned to Fluttershy. " I have to go now, bearer of Kindness. Be assured that I will repay my debt to you and the other bearers."

Then she was gone. Everything slowly vanished, and Fluttershy lay awake in her bed, looking at the moon and the stars, smiling over such beauty, and silently thanking the guardian of dreams. She had a final look at Angel, calmly sleeping in his bed, before she herself returned to sleep, where she dreamed of her and her friends redemption of Princess Luna, and the heart-warming reunion of two loving sisters.

Twilight woke up in her bed. She had a calm night, but nonetheless a strange feeling. She woke up Spike as they had to shop. They went to the town center, where they met Fluttershy.

"Hello", Fluttershy said, but in a way she never did before, overflowing with confidence. Well at least for Fluttershy.

Twilight answered, a smile on her lips. "Hello, are you out for shopping, too?"

"Yes, can I accompany you? If you have nothing against it, that is.", Fluttershy asked.

"Sure, I would love to go shopping with one of my friends", Twilight responded, and both went into the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

Comments

[El Dante]

Skimmed this mainly because I didn't want it to vanish off the front page and into oblivion without so much as being touched.

You clearly show the capacity to write (which is a real achievement here), but you're making noticeable rookie mistakes and some (though relatively few) more basic errors. You should find someone with the time to give this a solid review, and teach you the tricks of "show, don't tell" and trim down your wording where possible. I think this site has a writing guide for such things under the FAQ tab, but that will only get you started, "Show, don't tell" is one of the trickiest skills to learn, and even the professionals struggle with it from time to time.

Good luck out there. Get some help, and try to repost when you finish up your next solid draft.

[PheonixCircle]

3408200
Hello El Dante

First of all thanks for the comment.
I will see what I can do about the points you mentioned. It's very important to me to get better and I believe (and hope) that I can get better, thanks to your comment.

Also thanks for the "Like". It is extremly satisfying to achieve something like this, especially in the beginning. I hope that I will cherish every "Like" like this one, even if there are hundreds of them.

Regards
PheonixCircle

[El Dante]

3410176

... I don't remember "liking" it.
It doesn't say I did.
I think someone else saw it and liked it.
Congrats!

I refrained from liking it mainly because the writing did not impress me. First of all, I don't vote based on concept (though I can see yours going places) but rather on execution. If the writing's clean and looks professional, or if they did something interesting with the idea or wrote it in a style that enhances the experience, I'll up-vote it. Like I said, I only skimmed it. I'm fifty-fifty as to your refinement of language, but I didn't look closely enough to see if you did anything clever with the plot or the style. I reserve the right to up-vote later, if I find the time to look at it more closely, but I encourage you to post a subsequent draft after you find help.

(P.S. Also, a cover photo will make your story more "clickable.")