Inspired by a Equestria Daily post, we take a look at what might happen when an alien civilization attempts to describe the remains of a almost equally alien lifeform.
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Maniacal_Spark
Joined 5th Nov, 2011 ·
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Cute. It's as if the story was reading my mind around the middle. I said to myself: Self. This is getting boring. I wish there was some sort of conflict in this story. Then boom, story delivers :p
And what's more, the boredom I was feeling was actually shared between me and the student characters. I felt the same progression of declining interest. That's actually pretty good, now that I think about it. Getting the reader to feel like they're sharing in the characters experiences is the point of writing a story, really.
Although it really takes some balls to try using a real boring lecture to portray a fictional boring lecutre, and use that to push the feeling of your art, because avoiding boredom is typically the entire point of reading :p So the balancing act is thus: The hook has to be really engaging, and the scene with the boring lecture can't just go and wear out its welcome, being all samey forever... I feel that you achieved this balance on both counts, author person, but I suspect many readers are going to just go ahead and bail once the third bit of anatomy gets explained, close the story, and move on. I might have done the same, actually, but I have a policy of reading stories through, if they're not too long, and giving constructive feedback, and I'm glad that I do, because in the end, I came out enjoying the story.
The absurdity of the tale has a b-movie quality to it, especially the bit at the end where 'Psych, it was all a dream.' although it all gets wrapped up in this simplistic yet cute little lesson that Twilight learns in the end. A joke lesson. I liked it, put a smile on my face. Also, I'm forced to imagine that perhaps the creatures in the Canterlot Museum might have been humans :p
I felt it may have been trying a little too hard to explain the Crab King bit. That felt a little repetitive, and also a little superfluous. I don't know if the genesis of the dream was needed to explain anything, and if it was, then I would rather it wasn't just outright explained like that. It would have been nice if it was more subtly danced around, and that more vivid details about the Crab King fight were revealed... stuff that lets me build a mental picture, and then tie that picture into the crazy dream, maybe reveal some of Twilight's emotions during the fight, that sort of thing (Basically, 'show', don't 'tell')
Another thing I liked was the little 'tortured expression' and guts missing bits. I liked how you injected this little bit of the macabre into an otherwise funny story, and then when it gets revealed as being just a dream, that actually comes out making sense. So not only is it a 'hot and cold' experience of mixed moods that is in itself entertaining, but it also works with the story as a whole.
Hey, don't let the downvotes discourage you.
I see this is your first story. Don't lose heart. The downvoters can be pretty ruthless. It's the honest, thoughtful feedback that matters the most, so focus on that.
If you need any editing/pre-reading/feedback/review/idea help with your writing let me know.
3370126 Hey, thanks for your comment and review! I'm going to try to combine both your review and your second comment into one reply so here we go.
This was written on impulse, so I took the first few thoughts that popped into my head and ran with them, I figured if I sat down and honed things out, it would lose something or I'd realize how silly it might be and just not do it entirely. So that's why it might read a bit rough, plus I haven't written fanfiction in over a decade so that might be a factor.
So I ran with what popped into my head for each word and let myself not care if it made true anatomical sense because hey, the creatures studying her are supposed to not know what they're looking at and we're not supposed to truly comprehend what they look like due to the fact that its a dream.
And because I usually don't write slippery, slimy, non-mammalian creatures so I had a bit more fun with describing them in all their outlandish glory.
The bit at the end was my mind lopping in with the more 'normal' Brony pop culture. I figured it might be a easier transition if I used the Rarity vs Crab meme to frame a more 'normal' pony adventure, but I agree, that specific part I probably could have done a better job on portraying, but I was writing against my brain going 'this is silly, why are you writing this?!'.
But if there's enough interest in the Raid of Lobster Rock...Well, maybe I should abilge?
Anyway, again THANK YOU for taking the time to read this story and giving some excellent feedback, it definitely encourages me to continue working on Pony Fiction and I'll certainly make sure to look you up for some pre-reading next time!
Cute story, I enjoyed it.
3370696 Thanks!
I'll be the second to say that this didn't deserve the high dislike ratio.
I'll also raise my hand to seeing the ground-shaking battle of Fashionista VS. Crab King! 
3371033 Thanks for the kind words! We'll see if I can toss some words at the writing wall and see if they stick for ye olde crab battle!
I agree with Mercury, the story is decent and don't deserve so many downvotes.
3372503 Thanks!
3372503 It was all a dream?
[youtube=kdhhQhqi_AE]
Hmm, that was interesting... unusual, but interesting
Also, as others have said, this story doesn't deserve such low rating.
3550932 Thanks!
I facepalmed my way through this story while feeling amused and akward at the same time.
Also, I was wondering just what would happen if Twilight suddenly came back to life, then I found out that it was all a dream.
Not sure if I like the darker turn in the middle, and especially her being in a "I have no mouth, and I must scream" state, but, on the whole a reasonably good use of the picture.
One small part that I assume must be an error since I can't make any sense of it:
Perhaps "here"? But even that wouldn't really fit the larger context as I recall it while typing this.