Chapter Four
"Here we are," Princess Cadence announced, "this is the portal."
The portal turned out to be the mirror Twilight found herself next to when she had woken up originally. It was almost funny how she had unwittingly walked away from her exit, only to be brought back to it. Still, there was something off about the portal.
"Do you mind telling me why you have all this secrecy around the mirror?" Twilight asked.
"We thought it would be better off," Princess Twilight admitted, "I'm one of the few who ever went through the portal, and even I don't know that much about it. The princesses all agreed a long time ago it was better we kept the portal a secret and avoid messing with your world too much."
Apparently, that rule went out the window last week, Twilight was tempted to say.
"You gonna stand there, or you gonna go in?" Rainbow Dash asked.
That broke Twilight's slight stupor. She walked towards the portal, reached out her hoof, and put it through the glass until it stopped an inch in, like there was a solid brick wall just beneath the surface of the glass.
Twilight pushed with her full weight, casually at first, but increasingly more panicked until she backed up and ran into the portal, smacking headfirst against the solid wall of the portal.
A stunned silence ensued. The portal no longer worked.
"Why won't it work?" Twilight said through gritted teeth as she rubbed her nose.
"Whatever caused the portal to open, it's gone now," Princess Twilight said, "you're stuck here until it opens again in three years. I'm sorry."
"That's it?" Twilight growled, "'I'm sorry?'"
"There's nothing more I can do," Princess Twilight said defensively.
"You went into the stupid portal, messed up everything over there, made me fall into the portal and ruined my life, and all I get is a little pat on the head and an apology?"
"I didn't make you do anything," Princess Twilight said as her jaw set, "it was an accident. You said it yourself. What do I have to do with this?"
"Everything. Everyone was so amazed with you, with the pampered pony princess who can magically make friends with anyone and everything, and then you leave just in time for me to have to deal with everyone wishing I was someone else! I had to take a look at the portal because you made my life so utterly insane I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't!"
"Hey, girls! I'm ba... wait, why is there two Twilights?" someone asked from the doorway before Princess Twilight could answer.
The former human turned to find a purple and green scaly... thing. Twilight jumped back and yelped. "What the heck is that?"
Princess Twilight teleported inches away from Twilight's face in a massive shower of lavender sparks, grabbing Twilight's attention instantly.
"That is Spike, my number one assistant and my best friend," the princess said in a dangerously calm tone.
"And he's a snake," Twilight said.
"A baby dragon, actually. But I suppose somepony as ignorant like you wouldn't care."
Twilight snorted. "You're right, I don't care."
"Leave," Princess Cadence said, her voice like cold steel.
Twilight looked at Princess Cadence like she had been speaking in a foreign language. "What?"
"Go. Or the guards will escort you out of the castle premises the hard way."
"Fine," Twilight said as she skulked out of the room, ensuring she kept a wide berth around Spike, "thanks for everything."
"Wow. What's her problem?" Spike asked.
Twilight kept walking until she could barely see the Crystal Empire's castle on the horizon, fuming all the while.
She was a million miles away from home with no way back, she the one who had to endure all the misery that her counterpart had created for her, and they seemed to think she was the cause of her problems instead of the victim!
And that scaly... thing... looked like a fat snake with feet.
Twilight hated snakes.
Twilight finally calmed down enough to observe where she was. She looked around to realize she was in the middle of a large park with plenty of benches and cheery flowers that did not match Twilight's mood.
The park was well populated in spite of the Sun starting to dip down on the horizon. Nopony else gave her even a passing glance. Apparently none of them seemed to realize she looked like the Princess, being citizens of a place with no functioning cameras.
Good. She couldn't stand for being confused with "Princess Twilight" ever again.
She watched as a blue unicorn in a pointy wizard's hat magically unsaddled herself from a harness that was attached to a wagon. The unicorn fiddled with various latches and things on the wagon, and it magically unfolded into a stage. She hopped onstage and began trying to draw a crowd.
"Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic being performed by the Great and Powerful Trixie!" the magician called out to curious passers-by.
Several ponies stopped to see what the commotion was, and a few actually walked to the front of the stage to watch.
Trixie seemed delighted at the attention. "Ah hah! I see ponies in the Crystal Empire know magical talent when they see it! Now, feast your eyes on this!"
Fireworks popped out of the stage and exploded a few feet directly above the stage without ever being lit on fire, creating a rather pretty display.
More ponies stopped to watch as she performed a few more tricks. The displays were simultaneously beautiful and breath-taking. Twilight watched the spectacle, entranced.
Until one pony in the crowd started yelling at Trixie.
"I've heard about you! You're a fake! Show us some real magic!" the pony called out.
Several others joined in and started booing Trixie.
Twilight wondered if what she had seen was magic or not. Sure, she'd seen things glowing like the other magic she'd seen, but were the fireworks magic or just regular fireworks? Twilight groaned as she shook her head and realized she had no clue.
She was raised her whole life to know that magic only existed in fairy tales, or as a term for unexplained scientific phenomena. Then she was told that magic existed.
Now, she was told that there was fake magic that looked no different from all the "real" magic she'd seen over the past hour or so.
It was enough to make her head feel like it was going to explode.
Twilight jumped as a thunderclap sounded from where Trixie was.
"I'm sorry," Trixie said, "but I couldn't hear all you neighsayers over the sound of The Great And Powerful Trixie effortlessly bending thunderclouds to her will."
The silence that ensued was deafening compared to the noise that had come before it.
"There," Trixie said in satisfaction, "now, for my next trick, I'd like to pick a volunteer." Trixie scanned the crowd until she saw Twilight on the park bench, and her eyes lit up in a dangerous flash of recognition.
Twilight decided to leave before Trixie made her the next stage performance.
"So, you're just going to leave her there?" Spike demanded in Princess Twilight's bedroom.
"She's a jerk. You saw how she reacted to you, and right before that she blamed everything on me!" Princess Twilight snapped.
"Woah. Calm down," Spike said, "I know she might have been a jerk to you, but don't you think you should... you know, try to figure out what made the portal open and help her anyways?"
"There's no way to open the portal. However she did it, it probably will never happen again."
"Then maybe help her adjust a little? I mean, the first two days in their world weren't fun for us, either. Imagine what it's like for her."
"At least we weren't like... like her! At least we weren't mean to everypony we met for no good reason!"
"Twilight, you can't just leave her," Spike said, his face deadly serious.
"Why not?"
"Because you're not just Twilight anymore. You're Princess Twilight Sparkle, who's mastered the magic of friendship, and that's including kindness. Remember when you nearly brainwashed the entirety of Ponyville?"
"I wasn't thinking straight!"
"That's not the point," Spike said, "remember how Princess Celestia forgave you in the end?"
"I do. What are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying you have to be like Princess Celestia now and forgive Twilight. It's your duty now. If the princesses of Equestria won't forgive other ponies, then who will?"
Princess Twilight's face softened. "You're right, Spike. The least I can do is help her get someplace to live. But where would she go?"
"Oh, that's easy," Spike smirked, "what's quiet and filled with books?"
Princess Twilight blinked. "Oh, right. I guess that's where I would go if I were me, wouldn't I?"
Spike snorted, trying to hold back a laugh.
Twilight reached the library. It was a massive building, with two huge crystalline statues of creatures guarded the entrance. She realized that they were giffons, like the ones from Harry Potter.
On the top, right over the door, was a picture of an open book and "CRYSTAL EMPIRE PUBLIC LIBRARY" written on it. Definitely a sign she was in the right place.
As she walked in, she realized the amount of books for the public were seemingly infinite, which contrasted sharply with the very few ponies that were there.
Even in a civilization without computers and video games, no one bothered to read a book once and a while.
Twilight aimlessly walked through the massive shelves of books, looking at the titles. She was looking for an atlas to determine her geographic location when she found herself in the magic section. Endless amounts of magical tomes surrounded her.
A question ignited in her mind. What was real magic? Was it just an expression? Did Trixie use magic, or magic in the sense of how a regular magician pulls a bunny out of his hat? When was magic magic and when did it stop being magic?
Twilight had the feeling she would go nuts if she didn't find out, if she was not already nuts.
Only one way to find out, Twilight thought to herself as she pulled out a random book and opened it to the first page.
The instructions may have well been written in gibberish. There were countless bits of terminology that Twilight had never heard of and symbols that she had never seen. It was in English, but it may have been been in Latin for all Twilight could understand.
Instead of deterring Twilight, it only made her more determined. If she was going to spend her next three years as a magic talking unicorn, then she was going to learn how magic worked.
Twilight rose up on two legs and tried to put the book back in it's place, but she nearly lost her balance and nearly crashed into the bookcase.
She spent a small amount of time mulling over her options until she saw a winged pony, or pegasus, as Rainbow Dash had said they were called, fly up and take a book out of a nearby shelf with her mouth.
Twilight had thought of the option initially, but she'd discarded it as thinking it disgusting and possibly taboo.
Apparently, ponies weren't worried about bacteria and germs from their mouths getting on their books.
Twilight carefully put the book in between her teeth and found it was surprisingly simple to turn her head and gently put the book back in place.
She tried multiple books on her own and then made two trips to the librarian before she found a book that was meant for "young colts and fillies interested in learning the basics of magic," according to the back of the book.
Twilight took the book over to a nearby table and pored over the page long introduction, not including an additional two pages for an explanation of the first spell. When she thought she had memorized the instructions, she tried the spell. If it worked, the book would supposedly turn its pages on its own.
The first time, she simply stared at the book and focused hard, to no avail.
She reread the instructions. The book advocated closing her eyes in order to increase concentration when trying new spells.
Twilight tried several more times with her eyes now shut, slowly getting a headache every time she concentrated harder.
"Ow," Twilight moaned. Was magic supposed to hurt your brain?
Twilight flipped through the book to find nothing on that subject. She shrugged and kept trying to practice, every time her headache getting slightly worse and worse.
Twilight knew in the back of her mind that the rational thing to do was stop.
Twilight, however, was not feeling rational.
Time passed before she opened her eyes to find the shadow of a certain alicorn.
"Hi," Princess Twilight said.
"Hi."
"If you'll accept my help, I've made arrangements for you."
"What kind of arrangements?" Twilight said, trying not to moan in pain.
"There's an empty house next to a restaurant that needs hired help," Princess Twilight said, "Princess Cadence and I can let you buy the house on a non-interest loan. An official representing Princess Cadence will also recommend you to the restaurant owner. You'll have to pay rent, but it'll be lower than normal."
"Thank you," Twilight said.
"You're welcome," Princess Twilight answered.
"And... I'm sorry. I was so focused on getting home that when I realized that I wasn't... I freaked out. And I'm really, really sorry."
"Apology accepted," Princess Twilight said. She looked around, as if just now noticing where she was. "And just out of curiosity, what are you reading?"
"The only book I could understand," Twilight grumbled.
"Are you illiterate?"
"May as well be," Twilight sighed, "I can't make any sense of the library's books about magic. What exactly does 'put the energy in your extended parietal lobe in a state of flux' even mean?"
"It's complicated. The really basic version is that you channel your mental energy from your brain into your horn."
Twilight groaned and rubbed her head.
"It's the extremely simplified version of an advanced concept," Princess Twilight said, "don't worry about it.
"And are you alright? I mean, aside from the obvious, you don't look so good."
"I've been trying to turn a page of this book with magic for... I don't even know how long. All it's given me is this stupid headache," Twilight complained.
"Here, this should help," Princess Twilight said as she stepped in and touched her horn to Twilight's.
Nothing happened.
"It takes a few seconds to kick in," Princess Twilight explained in response to Twilight's puzzled facial expression.
Twilight's head slowly went numb like she'd gotten a Novocain injection in her brain.
"Thanks," Twilight said in relief.
"You're welcome. So, why are you trying to study magic?"
Twilight stiffened. "Is that illegal here?"
"No. It's just that I've been to your world, and there wasn't any magic. I thought you'd be too alienated to try it," Princess Twilight explained.
"I saw this magician a little while ago. I thought it was kind of weird having magicians in this world, since magic seems to be a normal thing here. But one of the ponies started saying that she wasn't using real magic, or something like that. I concluded that the best way to figure out what real magic was was to do it.
"And I'm a magic unicorn. I may as well learn magic while I'm here."
Princess Twilight glanced at the open book. "But no success so far."
"No," Twilight agreed, "and it's driving me crazy not being able to do it."
"I could help you," Princess Twilight offered.
"Really?"
"If you really want to learn, then I have a bit of time to teach you," Princess Twilight said with as the corners of her mouth turned up slightly.
"Okay," Twilight said, "I mean, I'd love to!"
"Alright. First, close your eyes," Princess Twilight instructed.
The other Twilight obliged.
"Okay. Focus only on the book."
"Alright. Focused on the book."
"Now, relax," Princess Twilight instructed.
"Relax?"
"You're completely tense. You need to loosen up to concentrate properly."
Princess Twilight was right. Twilight was tense. Failing a supposedly simple spell for twenty minutes did little for one's sense of humour.
She remembered her old babysitter, Cadenza. She would always tell Twilight to take a deep breath and think.
So she took a deep breath through the nose, and exhaled through the mouth, just like Cadenza always told her.
"Better," Princess Twilight remarked, "alright. Are you ready?"
Twilight nodded a silent yes.
"Good. Now, imagine the book turning it's pages. Don't try to think about the words on it, but concentrate on the general motion."
Sparks shot out of Twilight's horn and then fizzled as she focused intently.
Twilight opened her eyes, clearly unhappy. "Nothing happened."
Princess Twilight indicated the book, and Twilight's face lit up. "It turned! I'm three pages ahead and I never even touched it!"
A nearby pony hidden behind a bookcase shushed them.
"Sorry," Twilight said sheepishly. "So, did I do well?"
"That was amazing," Princess Twilight said, "it took me a month as a filly to be able to turn one page."
"Well, it made sense when you explained it to me," Twilight said.
"Glad to see I could help," Princess Twilight said, "although your Cutie Mark probably had something to do with it."
"Cutie what?"
"Cutie Mark. Everypony gets an image on their flank when they find what their naturally talented at. Yours and mine are the same."
Twilight checked her flank and her look-alike to find that they did have the same Cutie Mark.
"Okay. So... my natural talent is doing magic?"
Princess Twilight nodded. "When I got mine, I had a power surge that turned everypony in the room into a potted plant by accident. If yours is the same, then you've probably got the same amount of..."
"What?"
"I think I figured out what opened the portal. You said that you couldn't control your body, you were glowing purple, and there was some electricity, right?"
"Yeah. But what does that have to do with anything?" Twilight asked.
"That's a power surge. If mine as a filly could turn a room into potted plants and even more, then imagine what you could've been able to do with my uncontrolled potential at your age."
Realization dawned on Twilight. "Like open an shut portal."
"Exactly."
"Okay, so is there any way to make it happen again?"
"I'm not sure. Even if it was, the power surge might just do something different."
"What do you mean? If I'm near the portal, then it should just fill it up with magic and open it, right?"
"A power surge creates raw magic. If you think of magic like a foreign language, then raw magic is just pure gibberish. The fact that it opened a portal was just random chance. The gibberish might mean something completely different to the portal next time."
Twilight sighed in exasperation. "So much for getting my hopes up. I mean, I could even sink my hoof in one inch into the glass. The portal was practically taunting me."
"Wait, what did you say?" Princess Twilight said, leaning towards Twilight intently.
"The portal was taunting me."
"Before that."
"I said I could sink my hoof in one inch into the glass."
"Cadence and I checked the portal after you left. We couldn't go past the glass... which means... that you might not have just opened the portal, but I think you managed to change the way it operates for you."
"Is that even possible?"
"Yes, with very strong and very precise magic" Princess Twilight confirmed, "I think, just as a theory, that if you, and only you, gave the portal a strong enough spell, you might be able to activate it early like you did."
"Really?"
"Well, it's just a huge guess. It might not work, but if it did, you might not have to wait it out here in Equestria. You'd be able to go home way ahead of the portal's schedule."
"So, how long would it take for me to learn to figure out how to do that?"
"Three months, and that's being really optimistic," Princess Twilight admitted.
"Well, three months better than three years. But who's going to teach me?"
Princess Twilight looked her counterpart in the eyes. "I am."
Twilight's jaw nearly fell open. She'd been a massive pain in the princess's flank, and here she was helping her cure her self-inflicted headache, teach her how to use basic magic, and now personally train her. "You're really nice," Twilight said, which was the understatement of the century.
"And you're not as bad as I thought you were," the princess admitted, "so, can I take that as a yes?"
"Yes."
Princess Twilight held out her hoof, and her new student shook it.
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she found the two Twilight's, "what are you doing with my friend?"
"Talk about jumping to conclusions," Twilight muttered under her breath.
Princess Twilight shot her counterpart a look as she said, "I was just talking to her. It's fine, Rainbow Dash."
"Uh-hunh," Rainbow Dash said suspiciously, "so did get the arrangements or whatever done yet?"
"There's been a change of plans," Princess Twilight said, "we'll explain at dinner together."
Stats
Page generated in 0.026 seconds
Total duration
999 users online
1,395,463 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Twilight gets an apprentice for only three months? For shame, author!
not gonna lie you should have went with human twi being left on her own or travel with trixie would have made a better story
3466458 Admittedly, that would have been an interesting story. But when I first thought of the fic, it was the idea of Twilight having to put up with and teach the lessons her human self had not yet learned that inspired me to write the story. However, do fimfiction.net a favour and go make a story where Trixie is a magic teacher. (Not being sarastic here, I'd love to see Trixie's megalomaniac habits clash with being a teacher.)
3466424 I'll take that as a compliment.
3466502 could i base it off of your story like a alternate story?
now all we need are the other main 6 counterparts to show up(well not pinkie I think both worlds would blow up at that point) still a good chapter
Hopefully, Human Twilight's friends (term used loosely) can convince her parents of what happened to their daughter.
wow so far so good I wonder if it will use Narnia Time to hand wave Human Twilights absence in her world.
They won't even give her free lodging? That's kind of a dick move; most castles support a large number of occupants, and there are way worse excuses to extend hospitality than "trapped in wrong dimension" even if the princess was kind of pissed at her.
3466698 Actually, there already is a fic about Twi's human friends coming into Equestria. It's called "Equestria Girls: Edge of Destruction". No human Twilight though. Only 5 chapters right now. Still, it's pretty interesting.
Random moustache!
3467050 nice then I must add it to my ever growing list of read latters and the favs that I wait for new chapters on so many words to read to little time and thanks for pointing the story out
3466502 I Think you did a little miscounting there ("you're stuck here until it opens again in three years. I'm sorry.") 30 moon's = 30 months = 2 and a half year. not 3 years.
3466608 That would be awesome.
I am a little put off by Cadence and Twilight initially just throwing human Twilight out like that. Cadence, especially would understand she is under duress.
Even after Spike's scene all they offer her is an interest free mortgage and waitress job? That doesn't make any sense.
I think sticking with Twilight cleaning up after Princess Twilight in the human world would have made for a better story.
3467246 you think this should be rewritten to have Human Twilight Run away mistaking Spike as a giant snake instead of being thrown out .
Awwww. That was actually really well done.
I admit the dialog can be a tad stunted sometimes, and the choice of verbs can be a little soft, (a little too many "said's") but this looks to be an interesting story with a focus of character instead of plot, which is bound to be interesting in seeing how the other twilight might contrast or be the same with the other twilight, and get her friendship credentials when she returns in 3 months.
The bit on trixie and magic was kinda interesting, and the bit where spike called out twilight was very surprising but appreciated. To see the #1 assistant stand up to twilight to start changing due to rank was kinda surprising. But still neat.
And so, one twilight learns magic while another learns to be a teacher. And before long, it'll be time for one twilight to grow to like her and her friends, just in time for her to leave.
You never know.
Keep it coming!
Another cute chapter. Eager to see more.^^
3466706
Sure, but they might have a bit of trouble convincing a certain brother.
3467844 or it wont come to that after all it might rely on Narnia time Logic where Human Twilight comes back only to realize she was only gone for an hour
I think the closest explanation I can come up with was it was as if a bolt of lightning had hit a shut-down electrical system. Not only did it momentarily activate but it did so outside its normal parameters. I'm still wondering if Twilight were somehow drawn to Equestria though. Her behaviour was strangely obsessive, even for a Twilight Sparkle.
Ah! Rainbow Dash! The day will never come when you are not judgemental, aggressive and acting without thinking at all!
I have a Feeling that Dash wont Trust Human Twilight for a Short time.
Maybe I should really just drop it, though this was the best chapter out of the four it still had weird/awkward dialog, the characterisation still made not much sense and the whole thing is as fast as a rocket heading into the sun. Also are we really sure Twilight entered Equestria and not Jerkestria? Feels kind of like HumanTwi is in the wrong country. <.<
They know human Twilight had never seen a dragon before, but their first reaction to her thinking Spike was a snake is to insult her, and then when she doesn't immediately buckle under, order her to leave the palace or be escorted out by the guards?
Sure, Twilight goes to talk to her again afterwards, but both Twilight and Cadence come off terribly when they're sending her away in the first place for, basically, not recognising a species she had no way of recognising and not apologising when Twilight took offence. Seriously, read that section again and tell me what else she did wrong.
Twilight also knows enough about the other world to realise that her counterpart is not an adult, and they sent her off into a world she doesn't understand, in which she knows nobody, with no possessions, to survive by herself.
It didn't even really affect the progress of the story much because Twilight immediately picks her up again. It just seems like you needed her to have a reason to be out of the palace to see Trixie's show, so she'd be interested in magic, and there wasn't really any thought put into why she'd be chased out.
Since you seem to have edited the previous chapter because of similar problems, it obviously isn't your intent that they be nasty just for the sake of it, but that really is the way they're coming across when they do stuff like this.
Definitely not impressed with how Cadance is being written. Throwing Twilight out on her flank despite knowing she has no place to go and no knowledge of the world she is suddenly in? That's terrible, and is about a full 180 from her portrayal in the show.
3467171 I'll give it a shot then hope I can portray trixie decently
Methinks you honestly need to read up a bit more on Cadence's personality traits. I think we've seen enough of her, canon-wise, to know she's OOC in this. Princess Twilight is questionable as well, because... well, she's Twilight Sparkle. Write her as the show writers would, and you'll be fine.
3467090 No problem!
Random moustache!
3466608
Sure. Just send me a PM with the link to the story when you're done, or better yet, put it in the comments section. Really looking forwards to your interpretation.
something Tells me that chapter 4 will have to be re-written I could see human twilight Getting upset and runs away from the palace in tears knowing she's trapped for 30 moons.
Spike should have made the comparison between human!Twilight and pre-series pony!Twilight being very similar.
Also, I don't see why Princess Twilight didn't just offered to lend or give human!Twilight the house instead of offering it on a loan.
3469001 thanks
In this chapter the characters acted too out of character for me: Cadance with telling the human Twi to leave despite her knowing she is probably on the verge of a mental breakdown, human Twi not breaking down once she realizes she will not see her parent's for another 3 years, Trixie being in the same state even though she made friends with Twilight during the Alicorn Amulet issue just to name a few. Princess Twi and Human Twi meeting in the library felt contrived, her giving her a house for rent and a possible job doesn't feel right for the setting, Human Twi is a teenager and thinks she should be in school.
The story just feels like it is being pushed for events to happen instead of allowing them to happen, it all feels forced to me. The characters not acting as their true selves and trying to understand someone's plight from being tossed into an alternate world is not helping.
Interesting twist with human Twi accidently opening the portal. Wouldn't have pegged that, works well for the story though. Hard to trap a character anywhere for "30 Moons" or three years or whatever.
You have SB's full and undivided attention. Prepare to be proofread like the Hoof of Celestia coming down from orbit.
Nope. Bullshit. Cadence character assassination, Twilight Moron, and Princess Twilight Moron.
I see Trixie. You're too late for Trixie to make it fun.
Doesn't make sense. Interesting concept, totally wasted. See previous comments for details.
I'm out.
Please rewrite the chapter your still making Cadence too mean. find other reasons to have Human Twilight leave the place.
Yeah, there's a lot going on here that just seems... wrong. Cadence seems way out of character, Princess Twilight basically saying, "Gee, sorry 'bout your luck, you're stuck here for three years and there's nothing we're willing to do to help you", then the whole "well, what we'll do is we'll put you to work for 3 years in a job you probably will suck at since you're brand new to your body and incapable of using magic, so you can buy a house in a place you didn't want to come to at all, and now you're stuck in" thing... I mean, they're obviously accepting that human Twilight isn't a liar or crazy, and they understand that she's a stranger in a strange land, obviously unfamiliar with how the world works (not to mention Princess Twilight should know that, since She went to human Twilight's world and knows she has no idea what dragons are or how magic works!) with no money to get food or shelter, but they're basically throwing her under a bus every chance they get. It all just seems very petty of all of them.
Not to mention, there's a plot hole in the second chapter that I'm still derping on. Why don't the guards recognize human Twilight as the Princess minus wings? No matter what, I'd expect anyone in the Crystal Empire to recognize one of the mares that saved them from King Sombra, y'know? And that's discounting any suspicion of changelings, like how the Princesses thought. Maybe I'm overthinking it, so as I said: Derp.
I'm still interested in seeing where this goes, but I'm kinda hoping for some kind of character development to explain their behavior in future chapters.
3467366 That right there, might improve this chapter a little.
3469474
I feel like distressed Twilight would trigger Cadence's softer side for young Twilight. She would rush to comfort her, trying to help her calm down. Princess Twilight might finally see how she looks when she had her freak out episodes and unsuccessfully tell Twilight to calm down. Then seeing spike might make Twilight lose her mind and run away from the madness.
Twilight would have freaked out having Cadence attempt to give her a hug, Twilight telling her to simply chill and then seeing a giant snake with legs.
Cadence would be taken a back that her attempts at consoling Twilight failed, and Princess Twilight wouldn't understand how Twilight could act so irrationally, considering she didn't notice her own hysteria growing on multiple occasions in the past.
I feel that the first pony she would find is Rainbow Dash. She's the fastest and would know that an egghead like Twi would go to the library.
I don't know what else to say, but have some proofreaders, exchange feedback before publishing future chapters. There are ways to keep characters in character and still get the plot to go the way you want. It is often more important to change the plot because of how the characters would react, not the other way around.
3475569
Good advice. I can't remember what story I read of yours but I must have liked it enough that I recognize your name.
3475589
"A Troll Through the Park," which I am currently going through all the chapters before I finish the next. Your comments always help. Weren't/aren't you a proofreader for it?
3475616
Oh yeah! I don't think I am a proofreader but I do go through it and pick out grammatical errors and make comments on little parts that stick out to me. I do it for any story I enjoy and especially for authors that respond to their reader's comments.
3475746
I like listening to readers. They are like customers in that they are almost always right, maybe, not really...
3469474
You pretty much put into words exactly what I'm unable to express. I'm not overly fond of how the characters act in this story.
I've also noticed that the transitions between scenes are not very clear. At times they just, blur together. I know the story has the longer spaces for those transitions, but I think it would would work better if the story gave a bit more indication of the change in scene. Alternatively you could use more visual separators like a horizontal line or some artwork.
3475168
Pointing out that you can sometimes leave names out outright is good advice, and there's no reason not to shorten from Princess Cadence to Cadence after the first time she's mentioned, and so on, but some of that is awful, awful advice.
I don't normally comment when people do this themselves, but don't advise someone who isn't already making this mistake to start doing it. It's a bad fanfiction convention to do this, and you'll never see any published works making this mistake.
It's an amateurish attempt to avoid repeating words, which only draws attention to the fact that you're repeatedly referring to the same thing with a different word every time instead.
3478521
Eh, I wouldn't say published works never do this. They do occasionally if left with no choice. But certainly no where near to the extent even well written fanfiction does it.
Seriously. Who the heck are these characters that would dare to wear the names of the ponies we all know and love?
They look the look, but they sure don't put on a very convincing performance.
In other words, your character portrayal still seems to put them in bad light for absolutely no reason other than to set up pseudo conflicts that resolve within less than three paragraphs each.
Slow down and show us what is going on.
...
wonder if the other take twilight new?
3484711 err what are you saying
I just.. I... No. Bad story.
3492280 don't worry im guessing it will be edited like the other chapters.