Lyra is not all that surprised when a gathering of 'a few friends' that Bonbon has set up turns out to be another intervention to pry her away from her obsession with humans.
Meanwhile, Lyra is not all that surprised when a gathering of 'a few friends' that Bonbon has set up turns out to be another intervention to pry her away from her obsession with ponies.
Both Lyras are offended and leave their respective interventions, and neither will ever speak of it again.
This was done as part of my first ever 30 minute challenge.
Chapters (1)
@Rustling Leaves...
I personally "got it", but that was after a second pass and the Author's Note.
More objectively speaking, it is far less clear to comprehend your twist- (or "switch-" ) ending, especially if the reader has to use the Author's Note to figure it out.
It might have been clearer if you had the intervention take place at The Crystal Empire where the mirror-portal of MLP:EqG is located, rather than "a long forgotten tower" in Canterlot Castle.
Alternatively, you could have pony-Lyra run up said tower whilst crying and then encounter the mirror-portal (or at least "a" mirror-portal), with human-Lyra looking back at her through its "reflection"; and then they reach out towards one another...
Overall, I would give your short fan-fiction a 6 out of 10 since your technical writing is solid (no glaring/obvious writing errors is always a strong positive point) and your follow-through on your story premise is on track. Some revision, refinement, &/or extension for clarity towards the twist-/switch-ending would probably bump it up to a 8 out of 10.
3314438
I put the portal in the wrong PLACE!? How did I do that??!!
Dangit! You're right! These are the kinds of errors that slip past one with a time limit. I'll definitely take this into account as I rewrite it... soon.
As for the necessity of the Author's note, I'm glad you said so—It felt more obscure than clever. I'll be addressing that, too.
Thank you for letting me know.
I liked this story and felt it had closure in the end... Though it'd be nice to see this rewritten as a full length story :)
4.3 / 5 stars
3314983
Thanks! It seems I just can't get out of the B range without a rewrite, but I'm waiting a while to see that it gets stuck in the proper 30 minute folder before I lengthen it.
the 2 lyras swapped worlds!