I am no longer a brony, but I'll continue writing for this website, not for the topic, but because I like to write. My name is Clifford Anthony-Michael Eliseuson.
Dawn Shine just got into CSFGU, or Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. A very high rated, and very racist, academy that her mother, Twilight Sparkle, went to as a filly. But she's there to teach, not to get taught.
Can she survive? Will the haunting memory of her recently deceased true love come back to her? Will she meet someone else? Why am I asking you?
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Haaa, unfortunately. Cliff didn't accept my 'extra' bit when I just slapped on a scene that didn't make any sense and it wasn't supposed to since I just did it cause I was bored. I did it anyway but he removed it. The horrible misspelling is part of the joke.
Den Dauwn met Light and wus horneh. Horneh Dauwn started to fawk Light everywherh. Then Light had ta put his thing in her va-jay-jay. Dauwn started to spray everywheruh, and then Light started pumping his milky milkshakes into her. Dauwn sez i luv yu den Light sez biatch get the haell off meh.
He was soooooo 'proud' of me!
3277809
ugh...
3277809 I don't know if I should say that you're drunk, or your mind came up with stuff that WON'T work normally... I go with being drunk here, but I'll see what's here to read before I make a decision...
3280820 Uhh.. I can see a bit of a problem here in the chapter... you've got too many spaces and tab ins. You don't need to tab every single paragraph, and you can also combine some of the sentences and clean up the words, you only need one space when someone else is talking. Not only that, but I noticed one sentence with an I that should have been capitalized
If you are an editor, you should have been able to follow the basic idea's of writing, so you should check out the helpful writers guide on this site before continuing, I don't want this story to end up being one of your more horrible stories.
Now, again... Don't try to rush getting chapters out, you have the set ups for it... but not the correct execution, you may be able to sway some back your way if you go through this again and combine paragraphs, remove those nasty spaces between them, and make sure you read back and make sure everything has the right amount of detail to make it understandable, once you make those fixes, you should be able to get more likes in this story instead of breaking dead even.
3283654 okay, that typo was Kevin. the whole "being drunk deal" what the hell? I thought you were my friend? It doesn't need to be realistic. since when is my little pony realistic? huh?
3285931 You misunderstand my usage of the term "realistic" This is a story, but it still needs to be something that can happen in the MLP world. Besides, I hold a more sterner and serious view about writing. Now of course everyone likes to jump to conclusions quickly, but I'm not talking WORLDLY realistic. I'm saying MLP realistic. A story should have it's details and describing things on that, minus the things that people perceive as "common sense". It's the details that make the story, not just the structure. Besides, I'm being a friend by helping you with this story the best I can in a truthful way, not in the "oh you have done this well" way. It helps to have someone who's serious about these things and to stop you from doing my own mistake from the past, where I got a lot of flame and crap for what I've done. The story itself has it's own structure, but it's weak as of now... Again, don't try and rush these things because that will end up causing you more problems than what it is worth.
I'm a friend, but I am not one to lie to someone's face without reason. I've already dealt with crap before, you don't need to deal with it either. And also, don't try to pull that excuse again, it doesn't really work in this situation without anything at all to back it up.
3286046 you my friend, need to be patient. it will be explained.
3286049 True, I can be patient, but you should make sure that you check, double check, and triple check it first. Then you can be able to argue against my arguments.
The story itself however, I give you complements that it holds merit, a blind unicorn and a Pegasus with both being teachers, but you need to work with Kevin effectively to execute it properly. Don't believe me? Then try watching Equestria Girls when you have the time, now THAT is a mixture of reality, and MLP reality.
3286053 I know, Kevin is writing his own too... from Light's perspective. You would know this if you didn't leave PI
Also, I may need your help eventually.
3286062 Probably a good idea, but I still would like to go back on those and change a few things to make it a bit more even