a brony named paul was certainly surprised when he found twilight sparkle out cold in a ditch. he decides to take her back to his home to nurse her back to health. it quickly becomes apparent that other strange things are at work as twilight says that sunset shimmer is also on earth and has twilight's element of harmony. to make matters worse, paul soon begins a slow transformation into a pony. as paul and twilight search for sunset and the crown amid paul's transformation, it becomes clear that there are far greater powers at work than just a disgruntled pupil of Celestia.
Chapters (1)
Holy wall of text, batman!
3277186 I know I know I'm having quite a few technical problems atm I'll fix it asap
Hmnmm good
3277186 ok I fixed the wall of text issue
Wow. This is really sad and creepy.
Allow me to introduce you to the concept of capitalization.
3277254
staup lying pls
Hmmm... might be worth my time.
A second Poison Joke writer? That plant has way too much potential to remain just an obscure plot device. ^_^
So, allow me to review your story? You can always delete my comment.
Even with all the “wall of text” comments, I had no problem reading this story.
Yes, it’s advised to use one paragraph per idea, but your generous spacing assuaged that problem.
I really liked the description of the mysterious mare potion brewing. And I look forward to the rest of the story.
My only problem is how similar this set-up is to an unoriginal Mary Sue.
It starts with describing a brony in full, implying immediately that this is an author’s self-insert.
You’ll have to write uphill against many bad experiences with self-inserts.
Maybe add the introductions AFTER the prologue?
The shadowy manipulator already seems to be in full control, implying your outsmarting the main characters. She even has time to prepare and eat lunch.
At first, I thought it was merely the recipient for her brew.
Though I have to admit, it’s a nice touch. I wouldn’t have thought of that.
So, here’s to a good start
Fey out.