After being bullied in her school, our protagonist is unexpectedly knocked, or pushed rather, into a strange world filled with ponies! But it isn't the Equestria she knows...in fact, she swears there are more stallions and colts now than there was in the show.
Being faced with a choice later on, what will the young mare/woman choose? Her new life in Equestria? Or her old life back with her family?
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Includes: Reverse Harem and Rule 63; I do not plan on this being very romantic. Maybe hinted?
Chapters (3)
Good start, but it's a little generic in that I think similar scenarios have been done.
That's not to say it's bad, on the contrary, as an opening chapter it fulfils what an opening chapter is meant to do, establish characters, places, give them some background and set up the story, all of which work very well.
As a semi-new writer myself I can understand your nervousness, so I advise you to continue the story and ask for constructive criticism from your audience as they can be very helpful at times. One thing that has helped me is keeping short plans for each chapter as it reminds me where the story is eventually heading. However that might not be your thing so find what works.
Overall I am intrigued as there seem to be few Women in Equestria Fics out there, let alone ones in the Gender Bent Equestria.
Therefore I say keep going and if possible join one of the writers groups as they can offer advice on just about anything and being part of a group will help promote your story.
well it different cause it that rare women in Equestria but i get the feeling in the end she going to abandon her old life and family with no regret or second thoughts cause she like her new one better cause it a fresh start to her despite it unknown dangers and trouble beginning a new life in pony society when your a no one and don't know anything about Equastria despite what the show tells ya well for being turn into a pony without trouble or freaking out with adapting to her new body or having any trouble now it weird and kind of mary sueish from my view point it turn me away from this story. sorry
Thanks for the comments!
I agree, Nighters, I kinda rushed with the problems that she should have in her new body, but there will be problems later on such as running and getting a hold of magic among other things. I'll work on that I just let nerves get the better of me and I rushed.
Thank you, FleetlordAvatar, for the kind comment and suggestions. I'll definitely be asking for constructive criticism and looking into groups for help.
Again, thanks for the nice comments! I'll try my best to make it exciting and not too generic.
Brony with retarded, obscure name in Equestria. Don't even need to read this.
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Yes because names mean EVERYTHING in a fanfiction
Okay...Red Flag.
I'm not saying the story is bad nor it is good.
This first chapter...boy does it seemed rushed, but I have no complaints as to language.
It's simple which what most people love to read, however....
Addressing your readers like this isn't necessary. In actuality, this is frowned upon.
Why?
Simple...
You created a story for us to read, now I like to get inside the mind of the character you're creating.
Not whatever hogwash you throw on the paper (no offense).
If you think about it, would you really want the author of your favorite story to just jump in and say,
"Hey reader! Stop picking your nose and continue reading! You'll not want to miss this part!"
This...
is...
not...
tolerable.
If you're going to become a writer or at least an entertaining one, you need to grasp this small concept of 'not addressing the readers as an author'. That's what the authors notes is for.
Throw in all the gobble-guc at that pathetic excuse for a box. No seriously...DO IT
Also, I'd like to see longer dialogue. This helps build your characters up, (even though most of these characters are preset, thanks to the fandom...) allowing you to become more creative in your writing.
Okay...What can I say to that quote...
What is wrong with it?
A lot.
I can't say "this is garbage" because its not.
I see your premise and I like it.
How you wrote it...not so much.
Convey more meaning into it and for heavens sakes organize the thoughts here. You have two different emotions being shown: anxiousness to a transition of calm sensation. If you're going to throw in random sentences to form a paragraph, you're on the pathway to the drawing board again. Instead, you should review it and well...think like the character. Bring out all the emotion that character has...
You did it well here. So don't let it falter throughout the whole story is what I'm trying to say.
*phew...*
After all of that, I'm actually strained my brain to the point of no return.
In response to the fatigue, I shall bid you farewell.
P.S. Welcome to the Writer's Group. Your own personal ladder to climb on...
This is good ....but I wasn't expecting myself this quickly to grab a cupcake!!!!
Bubble Berry has replied to your fiction therefore it's awesome and gets three moustaches.
Still good so far, I know how you feel about getting in over your head. A fanfiction seems to be like a pet, it takes up free time, loves to get attention, and ultimately you love it because it's adorable (okay the last bit of that metaphor may need some work).
The overall flow is good so far and I like Fireswoon feeling the need to keep her true nature secret as the character in my own fiction also doing this because he is unsure how the ponies will react.
Punctuation looks good as well so your definitely on the right track. Keep going.
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Thanks for giving an actual review!
I admit that the first chapter is probably the worst thing I've created so far. But thank you so much for pointing out the flaws and giving me pointers. It's really really appreciated.
3251632
I'm so happy Bubble Berry replied! And i'm really happy that it's doing (relatively) good so far. I just feel terrible about the first chapter and how terribly I did on it. I'm gonna try to go on with it, but my excitement for it is very low right now.
But thank you guys for the comments and review, it's really appreciated!
Fireswoon making friends with the Stallion 6 (Is that the correct term?). Check
Butterscotch is just too adorable in this, I'd want to hug him too if I was there.
i'm loving this
