The warp.
An alternate dimension filled to the brim with chaos and daemonic sex addicts.
Also home to one of the mightiest warriors of all time, Leman Russ, Primarch of the Space Wolves and all around drunken lunatic.
In a fairly calm (if that were possible, but in the Warp, anything is) pocket of space, the amazingly strong and alcoholic Wolf King was bored senseless. He had been to every Slaaneshi orgy, every Khornate arena, and while he never failed to slaughter the drug-crazed deviants (Which besides drinking and chasing wolves, was one of his favorite hobbies) and kick Khornate ass, it was starting to get old. So the crazy fur- I mean epic badass decided he had enough.
"I've had enough!" he howled. (Because, ya know, WOLF KING)
"I should go find a planet, get drunk, and fight the natives!" The space viking proclaimed.
So he got up out of his fur covered throne, grabbed his trusty sword and tankard, and went to the
Warpway tm Daemonic Transportation system.
Cutting in front of a horribly disgusting Great Unclean One (Who didn't mind since he was filled to the brim with Papa Nurgle's love) Mr. Russ killed the Attendant and hopped into the swirling Warp Portal of Warpiness, to a strange new world! Hopefully with booze and natives to fight.....
``````````````````````````````
Sometime Later
Ponyville
Fluttershy's House
Fluttershy, resident animal lover (Not like that sickos) and vet, was out of town on business. So, Discord, Equestria's very own Greater Daemon, was having fun pulling random things out of alternate universes and putting them into awkward yet hilarious situations.
"Into the swirl we go! Who we find next no one knows!" He chanted.
The hodgepodge Madman's genetic experiment snapped his talons and reached into a purple maelstrom of chaos dickery he conjured up. (Using Angel Bunny as bait!) With glee something heavy caught the poor rabbit. Discord who was now wearing a fisherman's outfit, complete with one of those stupid bait covered hats and rubber waders, pulled the line he had instantly tied onto that annoying bunny.
"Oh yes! A Warp Whale!" Discord cheered. "I will hug him and cuddle him and name him Michael Jackson!" The mad Chaotic God of all things Chaos exclaimed. He tugged and tugged, the large mass getting closer to Real-space with each pull.
"3.....2.....1...... Gotcha!" With a loud thump, a massive mass of armor and manliness crashed into the room, holding on to the poor rabbit with bone crushing strength.
"Oh my!" Dic- I mean Discord said. "You're a funny looking Warp Whale."
With a snap of his tail, the draconequus gently replaced the strange beast and got Angel out of its enormous grabby things. The indignant rabbit snorted and with a huff,hopped away. The metal beast stirred and with a leap, grabbed Discord's throat.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, WARPSPAWN?!" The admittedly handsome stranger bellowed. Discord poofed out of the primarch's hands, and onto his head.
"Hello handsome!" DIscord said, now in a French Maid's outfit. "My, what big muscles you have!"
Now since Discord was a being of randomness, gender mattered not to him. If he wanted some, by Q he was gonna get some. Snuggling up to the warrior, Discord fluttered his eyelashes.
Russ was confused. What was this freak, and why did it seem to be infatuated with him? Ah, screw it. He was here to get drunk and kick some ass, he really didn't care.
"Excuse me." He said in a somewhat softer tone, clearly annoyed with the daemon's antics. pushing the monstrosity off of his head, he introduced himself.
"My name is Leman Russ! King of Wolves and master of Booze!"
Discord smiled at him dreamily. A king and a drunk? This was his lucky day. The heavily armed Swedish, I mean Fenrisian warrior continued with his tale.
"Do you know where I can get some fine drink and fight some natives?" Asked Mr. Russ. "I have been bored sitting on my amazingly comfortable wolf chair and I wish to have some fun!"
Discord chuckled. He knew just the right pony with which to test Leman's might with and drinking skills. She had an unhealthy obsession with a certain fruit, and was possibly participating in Southern things. (BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!)
"I sure do, my handsome warmongering friend." He replied. " Let me lead you to Sweet Apple Acres!"
And with a snap of his claws, Discord teleported himself and Mr. Russ to the hillbilly hovel.
`````````````````````````````
Some more time later
Ponyville
Sweet Apple Acres
SNAP!
THUMP!
"DAMMIT!" Leman got up out of the crater his chunky butt made (HEY!) and looked around him. Rows and rows of Ancient Terran apples surrounded him and the strange daemon.
"Follow me sailor!" Discord said. "I'm gonna show ya to Applejack!" The monster skipped in front of the Primarch, who was very slowly getting enraged yet simply followed.
They walked up to a large barn, which appeared to have been rebuilt over and over again. Working inside was an orange pony wearing a somewhat stupid hat in the Wolf King's opinion. She was sorting out the various types of tree-borne fruit, and hadn't noticed the two people behind her. Discord snickered, knowing the perfect time for some chaos when he saw it.
"HONEY! I'M HOME!" he bellowed, causing Applejack to literally jump up ten feet.
"Dammit Discord, Ah told ya ta nevah do that!" Applejack spoke, forehooves hanging on the rafters. With a acrobatic flip, AJ landed back in front of the two weirdos.
"Who's this freak?" Asked Applejack. Leman was appalled. The filthy xenos backflipped from a rafter ten feet above her head and he was the freak? This just did not do. Before he could voice his rage however, Discord interuptted.
"This here is Wolf King Leman Russ. He's here on vacation with the intent to, and I quote, "get some fine drink and fight some natives." You can help in that quest correct?"
The young mare frowned.
"Ah'm sorry Mr. Russ. But if yer lookin' fer booze, yer out ah luck. Them fancy-prim snobs up in Canterlot had alcohol banned last fall, after Prince Blueblood died from alcohol poisoning, thank Celestia fer that, I mean fer Blueblood kickin' the bucket, not the prohibition-whatever."
After hearing the horrible news, Leman Russ, Primarch of the mighty Space Wolves, Scourge of Cyclops everywhere, completely lost his shit. With a howl, he charged at Applejack.
"Oh sweet Celestia, don't let this psycho kill meh." The farm pony prayed. She bent over and prepared to kiss her plot goodbye when suddenly, a massive explosion rang out. An amazingly massive tank, with what appeared to be eleven cannons, crashed through the side of her barn and fired three of its mighty cannons. The blast sent Leman Russ flying back into the warp.
"Leman Russ is blasting off again!"
"WAAAAGH!"
`````````````````````````````````
Later that evening, Applejack was enjoying a mug of cider with a stocky man smoking a cigar.
He had a snarky little shit-eating grin on his face.
"Thank's again fer everythang, Mr. Creed." She said.
"Don't mention it, my little Xenos friend." He replied.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
A little later from that, in a field outside of Ponyville, Discord was looking out at the moon and stars. Tears were running down his freakish face.
"Goodbye my love..." He cried.
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"And that's how I got my cutie mark!" Scootaloo exclaimed. Twilight just facehooved.
well I had a similar albiet more serious idea for a fic so this was interesting but this felt to short
3240458
Well, I really didn't want this one to be that long. It was just something random that popped up while listening to Ren and Stimpy songs.
Glad you thought it was interesting though!
LE LOL.
3240510
Did ya like it?
A Baneblade? Only a military genius cou-CREEEEEEDDD!
3240548
Yup
I wolfed so hard! You know how to wolf your wolf!
FOR RUSS AND THE ALLFATHER!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
3240789 WOLF! HOWL!
Aww... I wanted a rematch between Magnus and Russ. Magnus would have been visiting Twilight as part of Tzeench's exchange program. All according to Discord's plan. Then Tzeench and Discord fistbump.
3240624 I sure did! Random humor is best humor. Thanks for the comment.
3240577
My favorite loyalist. Though Leman Russ and Sanguinius are also up there in the "Loyalists that Don't Suck" list..
3241205
Nope. Can't write about Tzeentchian insanity, especially that cyclops. It's an unwritten policy due to my alignment. But not a bad idea.
3240789 D'aww, who's a cute little spess puppy? You is! You is!
I need a life.
3240654
YAY!
That was insane...
3242540
What else could you expect from a heretic?
But seriously, blame Ren and Stimpy. Listening to some of the songs from that show while out on the road brings out even more of your already potent insanity.
3242560 Needz moar boyz.
3242569
There was this, but to be honest, I really don't write orks well. Can't seem to get their speech quite right. Thanks for the comment though!
Not for long, xenos!
And because you don't tell a Primarch off for cutting in line. Especially a Primarch who out drank teh Emprah!
I always thought those things were stupid, too. What is the point of having that if you have a bait-box?
I don't remember what character it was from, but it was from the time before when cartoon network was good and the art was kinda like an old movie. Used to watch that early in the morning before going to school when I was little. Good times. Gooood times...
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
My God...
The perfect ending.
The best Author's Note ever written.
Also, how do I make something I write in comments covered by spoiler bars? I don't see a button for it sooo...
1d4chan.org/images/3/34/Creed-loliflanku.jpg
How high on Warp energy were you when you made this?
3427629
EXTREMELY HIGH.
Blame Ren and Stimpy as well. The strangeness rubbed off on me.
i was thinking about booze and sex.
lotsa booze and drunk sex.
unholy lotsa booze and dirty steamy drunk sex.
Got nuthin'
Still worth it
guess what?
IT'S TEH BANEBLADE!
3527363
Baneblades solve everything!
Even angry Primarchs!
Get yours today!
I just noticed something.
I put Discord into a French Maid's outfit before it was cool.
3535687
I love you for that.
3535734
YEAH!
3528356
plz XDD
fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/q71/1557645_812853955407031_219027808_n.jpg
3872791
I love it when they load meatbags for the corpse god into a cannon and fire them at so called "heretics."
It's great to see them splatter like paint filled balloons!
Is it just me or does anyone else feel the need to yell
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEED
every time you see him mentioned?
4255752
It's like an unwritten rule to do so.
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!
I felt compelled to read your stories after you took the time to read one of mine.
So I read this. Wat. Also, all the 40k memes. Especially CRREEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!! *tips his pilfered commissar cap to you*
This baneblade. I'm detecting a severe lack of NO in it. And a lack of spess marines. And drop pod surfing. Or any of the required references to a certain blood ravens captain in a proper 40k crackfic.
4652682
Is this good enough for you?
scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/t1.0-9/944468_566092103442243_89275859_n.jpg
4653524 this fic is now worthy to be ground up and snorted by slaanesh. Quickly, we must hide it in the cactus fields of californatus!!!
TUCKER... SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.
ALIEN BEANS!!!
It didn't crash through her barn, the Baneblade was hiding between the boards.
OI, WEREZ DA STOMPY BITZ? AN' WUTZ CREED DOIN' ON SUM BAKWERDS NOT-FOIGHTY PLANNIT DAT DSERVZ A GUD KRUMPIN?
Hahahaha, love it.
Nice job!
3528356
I'm partial to the Stormlord, myself; seats 40, and that Vulcan Mega Bolter is ALMOST enough Dakka...
Shine on, you crazy bastard!
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
8493627
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOLPTCD!
Laughing Out Loud Pounding The Computer Desk.
3528356
No..... high mark Bolos do.