The Prolouge
Two Months Prior
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The light streaked across the floor. The dust dancing in what sunshine could be seen through the window. It is bright outside and Ms. Cheerilee’s classroom is filled with students whom are lying back in their seats, the ticking of the clock towards dismissal and Ms. Cheerilee’s voice are the only things one can hear. Strike is sitting up leaned slightly towards Sweety Belle who was studiously noting down what Ms. Cheerilee was saying about Celestia and the griffons. A folded paper pushes her pencil across her notes. Sweetie Belle looks up at Strike, he tries to signal her by waving his hooves and staring at the note, prompting her to open it. Slowly Sweetie Belle unfolds the paper to see “Do you like me?” scrawled across the top, two boxes, captioned with yes and no, underneath. Sweetie looks at Strike again, a wide, hopeful grin on his face.
Every other filly in the school would love to get a note like this from Strike. Sweetie’s face wrinkles as she thinks of everything. Diamond Tiara has had a crush on him ever since the beginning of this year. Why… why don’t I like him… For that matter why don’t I like any colt? The question ran through her mind. She looks at each of the fillys in the class, mentally linking each one to the colt that they had a crush on. But when she tries to match herself, it was never a colt. She tried to picture herself in a relationship with any colt in the class but, every time, she feels that it would never work for her. Why is it like that? Why can’t I picture myself with a colt? Sweetie Belle’s brow furrows as she continues to ponder the thought.
“Ahem” Strike noisily clears his throat, breaking off Sweetie’s train of thought. She looks over at him, before returning her mind to the note in front of her. The filly levitates a pencil and quickly checks a box before folding it up and handing it back to Strike.
His brow narrows and his nose scrunches, a mood of frustration seems to emanate from him. Sweetie sees as his face turns a blood red, a mix of anger and embarrassment consuming Strike as he realizes that, for once he hasn’t gotten what he wanted. He glares at sweetie, his piercing aggravation intimidating the filly, who’s attention has now turned to Miss Cheerilee as she tries to ignore Strike.
After what feels like an hour to the young filly, the last few ticks from the clock and the sound of a bell signal the end of class. Sweetie Belle grabs her stuff, hastily heading for the door. A glance over her shoulder showing her that the pony she is trying to escape is right behind her, and gaining ground at an alarming rate. The white filly comes to an abrupt halt, her head hung as she waits for the impending confrontation.
“Why’d you say no, huh!” An arrogant and aggressive tone in Strikes voice alarms Sweetie Belle as he closes the last few feet that separated them. He pushed his face into hers and she could feel his hot breath beating on her face. “Are you some sort of fillyfooler or something!?”
The thought alarms Sweetie Belle, she had never thought that… that anypony would think of her that way. “NO!” her nervous reply blurts from her mouth almost scaring the colt as he is taken aback. Sweetie Belle inhales deeply, thinking hard about what to say next as she attempts to regain her composure. “I mean, I’m not a fillyfooler. I just don’t like you that’s that. Beside even if I was what’s it to you?” She felt proud as she said those words, feeling that nothing could hurt her at this moment.
“HAHAHA you really are a fillyfooler aren’t you? Standing up for them like that, it’s disgusting. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re sister kicks you out, she seems like she gets things right.” With that and a snort the colt storms off angrily, leaving behind a sobbing white filly, thinking of what he said and afraid to go home.
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Hope you keep it up! I have tons of personal experiences with this - yes, I am bi, and I'm eager to see what happens next
The story just kinda... starts. It's a really abrupt beginning. Maybe you could try a small intro with Sweetie Bell working up the courage to ask Rarity, idk. Other than that I dont see any major grammatical errors from a quick look over.
Khorosho for this
. My only gripe with the story is the use of present tense
, but that's a me thing. I'm impressed that you took this road with your coming out genre fic
, i.e. school setting and the potential for some really hurtful discrimination as well as testing the bounds of the Cutie Mark Crusader's friendship. There's really quite a bit to watch for in this,and I can just tell I'm going to have fun reading this story
. Also, haven't seen Sweetie Soon before. I'm intrigued further by this odd potential shipping pair
. Hope chapter two comes soon.
You've earned some pro-wrestling on me
as it went on it got more...intreging please write more
Nice! I've been wanting to see more fics tackle this subject! I did one, but mine was more focused on the inner struggle a "pony" faced with coming out. I will certainly have to read this later!
266201 There's a whole mess of things wrong with how this story is written, but that's not one of them.
The principle of "in late, out early" is a good one. That says that you should start every scene as close to the action as possible, and end the scene as soon after the action as possible. For example, if you have two characters who argue for an hour and then the argument turns into a full-on shouting match, then you should start that scene right before the shouting match, because your readers don't want to read the hour of argument, they want to read the shouting match.
A related technique is in medias res.
266201 There are a couple of reasons why I chose to start the story here. One was because I feel like starting In the prolouge would not have captured as many readers (yes I know I'm a view whore but what's the point in writing a story with a message if noone wants to read it?). I actually was planning to down the road to add a prologue so you're kind of a mind reader.
266241 Darn you caught my biggest flaw in writing... The dreaded art of pacing and timing.
266235 That was my goal with this story, like I said in the authors note there are almost no stories about kids coming out in school. Using MLP as a medium I hope to tell the story kids need the most in an accesible enviorment.
266215>>266208>>266166 Thank you guys I'm glad this story found you well.
Pretty good. Tracking
i like it, plz go on t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQURnVCXEvR0-i3uQBMyrGOXbEbtpB1hpPrsdkuWjqcW4WFF2LBa0Pnj0j4eQ
266282 Don't kid yourself, that's not your biggest flaw, heh.
I like the concept a lot, and there are solid passages in the story, but overall your technique is very weak, and poor execution will fell even the best concept. I went through and did a quick-and-dirty editorial pass to address the top layer of issues. It's here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m0bUlq2Tk3_RHWpQKuj8rzLr4KlXf6VMxL61Ons5cI8/edit
266241
Yes, I'm quite aware of that principle. However, I was pointing that out because this author wanted to "...use this [story] as a tool to reach out to LGBT..." and if they wanted the reader to make a connection to the struggle of comming out to someone then there should be an intro into the character's inner thoughts and emotions surrounding the event.
266647 Ah, fair enough. Still, one doesn't have to err on the side of preachiness to tell a story that addresses issues that people are facing. Writing an eye-catching, appealing story that addresses issues that people are facing is a much better way to get the story in front of the people who may benefit from it. At least, in my opinion.
266657
Also true.
Sweetie and... not-Scootaloo? I was all hyped up to get excited about this story. Curses.
267291 Sorry
I hope you still read the story though. I chose the characters I did because of how they fit into the school and what would be most effective to explain the story more than what would have been the most "Interesting".
TL;DR I picked the characters for the message not a shipfic.
267372
Ahh. I see.
I guess I'm just attached to Scootabelle. And SilverTiara.
266404 Thank you, I didn't put the first chapter through a pre-reader for personal reasons but the rest of the chapters will have (hopefully) multiple pre-readers go through it before it makes it on here.
In other words expect better quality control for the rest of these chapters.
266657>>266701
An argument on what I'm doing wrong the most how delightful.
While I support your message, your execution is flawed. Most of your errors are the standard beginning-writer problems with mechanics, pacing, and show-don't-tell; and the present tense is generally not recommended, as it calls attention to itself due to its rarity. Since you've already posted on /fic/, you probably know about the review services offered there—lots of people'd be happy to help you improve your story.
267993 Okay
I guess my editor wasn't good enough
Alright i hate you for making this so short!!!! i really really really really love these kind of stories with the CMC! leave me wanting more! I hate you!
Darn I have more views than one of the featured posts. But no one takes the time to thumb up and now I can't get featured
(The question is am I view whoring, or am I just trying to spread the message?)
Not a Great Fan of This kind of fics
But it's okay
Great work
I don't think I've seen, or at least read, any stories specifically about coming to terms with sexuality. I've seen fics with that element in them, but not as the driving plot. You've captured my interest, and so far you're holding it enough for a track.
I hope Apple Bloom can process this and cope with it. Not only would a cold shoulder hurt Sweetie Belle in the worst kind of way, but if proximity to her makes her leave the Cutie Mark Crusaders, she'll be so lost without her two best friends. I mean, yeah, she's still on good terms with Twist, but she found kindred spirits in Sweetie and Scootaloo, and not accepting Sweetie's news is going to crush them both in the long run.
Oh boy. Diving that deeply into character motivations and the consequences of their actions is one of my warning signs for obsession with a series. But my not giving a damn about caring that much (bit of a paradox there) seems a good enough signal.
271713 Ha, you think you might be starting to get obsessed, but I'm already there.
Tactical Chapter update incoming!!!
img.ponibooru.org/_images/044ee17aa59e65888dc26b96bed95f97/72051%20-%20Call_of_Duty%20modern_warfare%20tactical_rainboom.png
In other words I'm just about to send it to proof readers.
I like the message in this story, I think it's one that deserves attention. There is that element of showing not telling, and delving into emotions, but you are writing from a young perspective and the straight forwardness of the story works as well. 108echoes is right in that the present tense writing style is unusual, but it I personally think it works if you can pull it off (of course I'm biased, heheh). It really draws attention to the nervousness that Sweetie Bell has in the beginning.
This story is very bare bones, though I'm not sure if it would benefit from slowing down the pace or not. There is the continuity error that they're at recess at the end but Applebloom just ditches school? Though it could work if Applebloom was distressed enough that she felt the need to discuss this with Granny Smith/Applejack/Big Macintosh immediately. The way you end the chapter however, makes it seem like Applebloom ditches school to joke with her family about Sweetie's discovery. Anyways, I hope this continues to develop!
279929 Addressing your comment on the present tense, I chose to use it knowing that'd be difficult and that I'd make mistakes but I felt that the story NEEDS to be written in it. Due to the nature of the story I am willing to sacrifice the sanity of my proof readers for the better of the story. As to pacing, this chapter did move at a particular break neck speed, however this is because it was laying the ground for what is to come while also capturing the readers attention. The continuity error is rooted in word choice. 'To make light' of a situation must have confused some readers. Where I live it is not used as 'to joke about something to make it less serious', which is apparently how many interperated it. Where I live it means 'to understand' said situation so yes you actually got it spot on, Apple Bloom is heading to Sweet Apple Acres to ask Apple Jack and the family about this. I'm added a footnote to hopefully help avoid this confusion, as it is keyto the plot. I'd also like to thank you for this constructive criticism it helped a lot.
281062. I like the present tense choice. I think it works the way you write. And thanks for clearing that ending up! I've never heard that expression used like that before, but it all makes sense now! I'm happy that you found the critisicms helpful, a lot of authors shy away from that, and the way you handle it makes me want to comtinue following this story even more!
Hope the next chapter is ready soon! I also hope its a lil longer than this one :P I really love this story and want to see where it is going
282451 Trust me, it is very soon. Lengthwise though, I prefer to keep my chapters short although this one is going to be, I wanna say double this last chapters length.
I'm glad you're enjoying this but thats all I can say for now.