JimmyRuss
Joined 22nd Dec, 2012 ·
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Mmmm, more stories need a prehensile tail tag~
An old fave.
Nice.
Zecora got a phat ass! most black chicks always got a big ass.
This was great
and on another note I've always wanted to date a black chick
My opinion of Zecora's posterior:
This one got delayed quite a bit, but it keeps coming up in “plot discussions”. I might as well make sure the writing’s as well-rounded as the plot appears to be.
For errors I point out, use Ctrl+F to open the ‘search’ function, copy what I place in quotes, and paste them in the search bar, to quickly find them and edit them however you’d like.
… “the Forbidden Forest” – Isn’t it ‘the Everfree Forest’?
… “hut was well hidden” – Place a hyphen between ‘well’ and ‘hidden’.
… “and he would make another friend” – Did you mean ‘he’ or ‘she’?
… “away low lying” – Place a hyphen between ‘low’ and ‘lying’.
… “scrubs Anon stumbled” – ‘scrubs’ should be ‘shrubs’.
… “Anon trudges on through” – ‘trudges’ should be past-tense: ‘trudged’.
… “Anon swore he” – You seem to use spaces to push new lines ahead. You failed to them it here, however, so please put them before ‘Anon’.
… “was quite cosy” – ‘cosy’ should be ‘cozy’.
… ““Sandman’s Guff.”” – Was this meant to be a question of clarification on part of the protagonist? If so, replace the period with a question mark.
… “have nought but” – ‘nought’ should be ‘naught’.
… “had cuts on from” – Remove ‘on’, or place ‘them’ between ‘on’ and ‘from’.
… “A quick nervous gulp” – Place a comma between ‘quick’ and ‘nervous’.
… “found any one yet” – ‘any’ and ‘one’ should be shortened to ‘anyone’.
… “Agh it is not” – Agh isn’t a word, so keep it separate from the rest of the sentence by either using a comma after it, or an exclamation mark.
… “But was amazing was Zecora was trapped.” – I’m not confident in this, but I think you might’ve meant to say ‘But what was amazing was how Zecora was trapped.”
… “The soft ass flesh” – Place a hyphen between ‘ass’ and ‘flesh’.
… “smelt the scent” – ‘smelt’ should be ‘smelled’.
… “collided ass first” – Place a hyphen between ‘ass’ and ‘first’.
… “surround his face” – ‘surround’ should be past tense: ‘surrounded’.
… “so you can have a bit of a play.” – As much as I know what you were trying to say, I’d consider a rephrasing so it sounds more like what was intended. “a bit of a play” doesn’t sound right.
… “own at his groin level.” – Remove ‘level’.
… “her thighs moulded” – ‘moulded’ should be ‘molded’.
… “cock, it danced on every side of his cock.” – Substitute one ‘cock’ with another word, so it sounds less repetitive.
… “and quite soon, we might be you’ll give” – ‘we might be’ doesn’t make sense in this sentence, so consider removing it.
… “her sweet tasting” – Place a hyphen between ‘sweet’ and ‘tasting’.
… “Magic indeed.” – Magic wasn’t mentioned before, so why have this line?
… “watched as
“I” – This sentence cut itself off early. Finish it.
… “sopping wet dripping” – Place a comma between ‘wet’ and ‘dripping’.
… “was focussed on” – ‘focussed’ should be ‘focused’.
… “as, the liquid” – Remove the comma.
… “the firey liquid” – ‘firey’ should be ‘fiery’.
… “leg either side” – ‘on’ should be placed between ‘leg’ and ‘either’.
… “she manoeuvred his” – ‘manoeuvred’ should be ‘maneuvered’.
… “soft asscheeks.” – ‘asscheeks’ should be two words: ‘ass’ and ‘cheeks’.
… “he grit his teeth” – ‘grit’ should be ‘gritted’.
… “he watched the inches” – Place a comma between ‘watched’ and ‘the’.
… “tickling so close to” – Remove ‘so’.
… “soft flesh mould around’ – ‘mould’ should be ‘mold’.
… “jiggling on Zecora” – ‘on’ should be ‘of’.
… “or better than the rest.”” – Replace the period with a question mark.
… “large lungful’s of air” – ‘lungful’s’ isn’t a word, so consider substituting “large gulps of air” in place of it, or ‘deep breaths’.
Well, this was certainly interesting in terms of the writing style. Several advanced words, while at other times it seemed like some repetition was going on, though I didn’t list all the cases of repetition, since it was tolerable for the most part.
As for the characters, I get the feeling that Anon would be perpetually biting his lower lip as Zecora teased him. Zecora wasn’t too bad in terms of her rhyming, though sometimes it felt clearly forced, while at other times the choice of words felt like they flowed naturally, and were believable for her character. Of course, her rhyming isn’t always in perfect tune in the show, hence the believability of it in this story.
As for other factors, you presented plenty of environmental usage in this story, which I like. Describing various things around the hut helped to immerse me in the story, not to mention the fact that you’d outright use the surroundings to advance not only the dialogue, but the events themselves such as that which occurred with the two cauldrons (the aphrodisiac, and the first cauldron that she got stuck in).
That said, it seemed like it had a bit of an early ending, like some things weren’t quite able to fit into the story, and that one error of an entire sentence being unfinished, made this seem like it wasn’t quite complete in terms of certain aspects. I mean, it had several detailed pinned down well, but others were just inconclusive or unfinished. A shame, since it brought down the story as a result.
Regardless, I sort of hoped for a bit more conversation between the protagonist and Zecora, but as far as a literal “plot-fic”, this served its purpose. Not a bad job at all, but it could’ve been better.
3159069 this should help..click me :)
Oh? A story about one of my favorite ponies getting stuck in a couldron? Hm, this should be an interesting and funny short!
-5 minutes later-
I'm not kidding btw, this really happened.
friend you are a good writer , great job
4.bp.blogspot.com/-BTeTB1tfWgc/Uygl8qCcUSI/AAAAAAAAF1M/Td17sEDZnQI/s1600/applause-gif-3.gif
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDQvMjAvMjBfMDJfNDhfMjc2XzMwMzU1OV9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfemVjb3JhX2FydGlzdF9iYWtraS5qcGVnIl1d/303559__safe_zecora_zebra_artist-bakki_ostrich.jpeg
A very interesting and descriptive read, something which lacks most in clopfiction.
great story!! I love zecora...who wouldn't? I would like to see some of the background ponies get more show time in the series, or maybe get some series of their own, because they are all so memorable. at least from a fimfiction point of view.
Now that was quite a good one. My first Anon story ever, and it didn't disappoint.
Always appreciate when someone else can appreciate ass.
Liked.
4589707
Did you keep reading thou?
What's 'AiE'?
9977530
i presume it to be "Author in Equestria" but i could be wrong.
10311821
9977530
oh you youngins, it's Anon in Equestria