An alternate version of the climax to the 7th chapter D G D Davidson's story A Mighty Demon Slayer Grooms Some Ponies.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/71660/a-mighty-demon-slayer-grooms-some-ponies
Suppose it was not the pickaxe Megan grabbed. Suppose she grabbed the spade instead and only knocked Wind Whistler out. Suppose the altercation caused the pegasus gone mad to reassess her values and come to some dark conclusions. Was killing Wind Whistler truly the worse case scenario for Megan.
Published with permission from Davidson. Thank you.
Chapters (2)
Wow.
A good story.
This is the way the other one should have been, a much better ending.^_^
Well....All it took to knock the crazy out of her was too....knock the crazy out of her.
Effective strategy.
And pregnancy can make a woman unbalanced. Wind Whistler was, as it was stated, scared and confused about being a mother. That could have contributed to her choices. (Maybe her motherly instincts kicked in and she was trying to make a better world for her children, as it were.)
And yeah, now that you mention it, Twilight does sound evil. I mean, she willfully sold her soul for stars, with the knowledge that she would shroud the innocent creatures of the moon and then strike at Equestria. I know that she knew she would be defeated but still. This would mean that the creatures of the moon were shadow beings for five thousand years. A terrible fate.
{It should be noted that she was really calm and okay with it.}
3156050 Well, the blow really served as an interruption to the train of thought she had been on as well as a watershed moment, and let her actually evaluate what she had been doing. I think the same thing happened to her in Davidson's version only she was critically wounded by the pickaxe and decided at that point death was the best option.
I also had the idea that this would be the point where everyone calling Megan a killer would come to a head. Was she the killer that everyone said she was? To her horror, the answer was yes. If she had picked up the pickaxe, she would have killed Wind Whistler. If Heart Throb and Molly hadn't made their presence known in time, she would have shot her. She was fully prepared to kill her close friend of all creatures. However, instead of just one terrible night, it never went away because her almost victim survived and served as a constant reminder of what Megan was ready to do. She didn't care that she didn't do it, she cared that she was fully prepared to and it was only blind chance that stopped her.
3156345 So in both scenarios, Megan is hurt by her own actions.
That's terrible, but at least here Wind Whistler is alive and well so Megan can eventually learn to forgive herself. {Though then Whistler is going to be shocked herself when she learns that five thousands years have gone and all her friends are long dead....Quite a shock.
}
3156559 Which is also tearing at Megan. The rainbow bridge has been back for a week, but Megan can't decide if she wants to subject Wind Whistler to the harsh reality. Wind Whistler would take it the best out of all the ponies, but it would still be a tremendous shock to the system.
And now I got this image stuck in my head of Wind Whistler being captured by Equestria ponies after stumbling across the rainbow and shouting, "Take your sticking hooves off me, you damn, dirty equine."
3156818
I love references...when used right.
And I also saw your thoughts on the whole thing on the inspiration fic of this. They were very thought provoking. {Also, would you by any chance know of the Chronoverse they kept talking about?}
3157116 I'm not too familiar with it. Perhaps I should sit down and read the stories related to it.
3157164 Eh, just asking. (Seems quite complicated. I don't need more complication.
I'm already working on my own universe....It's hard writing by oneself. Makes me envious of others who have editors and co-writers.)
Anyways, good job here with this.
I like it, but one whack to the head, and suddenly Wind Whistler has all the answers? I don't think she was even there for Twilight's discourse on the ponies' nature as aspects of Majesty. Don't get me wrong; it's a good story, but it strains my suspension of disbelief something awful.
Very very interesting. Being a big Wind Whistler fan, this is a much more pleasant ending. It did seem a little overly convenient that Wind Whistler would change her tune so quickly, after only a simple knock to the head. However, Wind Whistler LIVES, and that bit of exposition on the ponies being "specialized", rather than incomplete, does make sense, so who am I to complain?
I also enjoyed that bit of character insight into Queen Majesty. I knew about her being very decisive in her treatment of enemies, but I never thought to describe her as truly tyrannical in her own way. I like that notion, as it demonstrates that tyranny can take many forms; even ones that seem outwardly benevolent.
I do still kind of take issue with Megan being so quick to offer to take Wind Whistler's life for the sake of ending "suffering" that wasn't even happening yet. It seemed a little OOC that she would need Wind Whistler to explain to her that hope still existed, and that it would end if she died. In the case of Blackie, there was no hope anyway, so it was not the same situation. I also really like Twilight as a character, so I thought it was a bit harsh to describe her as "evil" right from the start, although admittedly, that does flow a bit better with her ultimately becoming the spirit of Nightmare Moon.
(On a slightly more nitpicky note, you might want to get an editor/proofreader, as I noticed several issues with sentence structure and punctuation.)
Overall, this was a great spinoff chapter. It was nice to see the good old Wind Whistler again. And the ending this chapter provides would set up yet another interesting scenario; namely Wind Whistler and her children learning to cope with the culture shock of living in modern day Equestria.
Great job. :)
3176928>>3177326The idea is Wind Whistler had all of the pieces to the answers, but she never put them all together. She was too transfixed on making her own little utopia to bother to consider any of this. It wasn't until her and Megan coming to blows (and getting knocked out) caused to pause and think about what she was actually doing. It's not that the blow itself changed her back to normal, it was just that it served as a huge jolt of reality that forced her to stop and actually think.
Then, while thinking, she put all of the pieces together and realized what had been going on all this time. I'm assuming she already knew about what Twilight did.
I like Twilight too, but if she represented Majesty's subconscious, she's one bucked up little pony.
3177583
Oh, that makes sense. Though you may want to consider having Wind Whistler herself acknowledge the "putting the pieces together" phase a bit.
Not bad, but I prefer the emotional punch of the original. I'm not sure I buy Megan being so emotionally tortured by the experience for half a decade as seen in the story if she only almost killed a friend.
Anyway, thumbs up for the interesting alternate take on the ending to chapter 7.
3178232 Actually, if anything, Megan's attempt to kill Wind Whistler in this was more deliberate than the heat of the moment killing in the original. In the original she just swung. In this she went back to the house, went to the closet, got the gun and ammo, went back, loaded the gun, cocked the gun, and took aim with the full intent to kill Wind Whistler the whole way through.
She was ready to kill a close friend in cold blood and came within a whisper (well a shout) of doing it. That's what Ponyland had done to her. Everyone who said she was a killer and to be feared were correct. That's why she is the way she is.
This was meant to be an "In a Glass Darkly" moment for both Wind Whistler and Megan. It snapped Wind Whistler back to reality because she realized she was not being herself. It destroyed Megan because she feared she was being her self.
I also think the original played up Megan's angst a bit too much. There were times I just rolled my eyes at her over the top antics. Then I find out it's justified because she killed Wind Whistler. It's an awesome story, but I just think he took the easy way out.
I also edited out Megan offering to kill Wind Whistler. That didn't sit well with me either after I read it a couple times.
She just needed her brain to reboot. That is all.
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A far better turn of events, this is for sure.
I really hope you write some more to this.
I want to see Wind Whistler in modern day Equestria.
How will she handle the changes in modern day Equestria now?
3402164 Admittedly, I'm waiting to see what Davidson does before I consider continuing this. I have some ideas of what Wind Whistler will do like going up to the Crystal Empire to mourn Fizzy and continuing her ideas that a democratic system (probably via a constitutional monarchy) is the best direction for ponies.
I actually want to play around with the prophecy that's been thrown around about how Magog will return the ponies to Paradise. In actuality, Wind Whistler is the one who builds a following and reclaims the old homeland.
Another idea is the G1 ponies grossly underestimated their lifespans due to their accelerated growth into maturity. It was just a convenience on Majesty's part to limit how much time she would have to spend raising foals. They're lifespans were in fact more in line with humans and modern Equestrians. It's just the natural born ponies have a more regular life cycle.
I have some mixed feelings on this one, I have to say.
On one hand, I like seeing Wind Whistler live, and returned to the land of the non-psychopathic. On the other hand, it seemed a bit too convenient.
On one hand, I like your interpretation of Majesty's character, as well as the specialties. On the other hand, it feels like you're shifting all the blame from Wind Whistler to Twilight Wish.
On one hand, I like the concept of this fic as a whole. On the other hand, it feels like you're completely missing the point.
Still, overall it;s good enough to get an upvote and a fave from me.
3404664 To be honest, I think Davidson really didn't have a point. I just feel like he was building us up and building us up only to just stop the plot with no real conclusion for the readers who are emotionally invested in the characters. Wind Whistler's dead with no investigation into why she did what she did, and it's just another reason for Megan to be a hair trigger.
By keeping Wind Whistler alive and having a painful reality check, I was able to actually think of what was going on here. Twilight Wish being the dark puppet master pulling the string behind the scene and playing multiple sides against the middle would perfectly fit her character and her actions and motivations in chapter 7. It gives the reason for why Wind Whistler started on the path is went on (something Davidson didn't bother with) and adds significance to Twilight Wish's presence in the story.
....Even with Wind Whistler, this exhibition leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Yes, I like the way you're doing things, but still. Grogar and Tirek's plan is so...strange. They created a society that's pretty much a utopia all just to get back at Megan and Majesty....
Where to begin.
So Equestria has stagnated and the only innovaters have been seen as con-artist?....Well what about the electric dam, lightbulbs, that fork lift, airships, etc. Seems to me that Equestria's currently going through a industrial revolution. And those con-artists were just that. I'd think I'd have Applejack's opinion if someone came onto my property with some new device and wanted to take most of the profit. {I think it would have bee more fair for the Apples to just allow one cup a pony. Pinkie Pie was hogging it.}
And I always believed that the Element of Magic worked for Sunset was because she herself was a possible Element wearer. Celestia herself saw the capability to become a princess and an Element bearer and tried to bring the good out of her. When that didn't happen, she searched for someone else.
And even then, when Sunset wore the Element, using it against the real Element stopped her. Why you may ask. Well because the Elements of Harmony seem to have a mind of their own. When used, it is the Elements who choose the punishment, not the bearers. They also choose and recognize their bearers. So when Sunset used it upon Twilight, it backlashed. {I'm surprised that didn't happen here, cause that's how they work.}
And of course the ponies are more skittish. For one, they live in a peaceful society therefore are not used to horrors. Two, most of the creatures of the planet would eat them without a second thought. Standing your ground isn't the best method against a hydra or something.
Which reminds me, the society....Why didn't Grogar and Tirek just take over themselves? From what it seems like, they could have. Nope. They take a back seat and allow the ponies to thrive....And let's not forget allowing for big groups of Majesty supporters and such. With that in mind, even with their new 'powers', there is going to be a big opposition movement. Hope they like ponies raiding their supplies and hurdling beams of DEATH into their faces.
Lastly, and this is about the original author, he seems to be really putting g4 down compared to g1. {Which is built up as better.} And now, the Elements of Harmony are null and void {are works of evil} Celestia and Luna {two goddesses} are just pawns in the evil beings work?
ARGH! And now it is all pretty much up to Megan to save the day.....Okay. That's pretty much like a lot of crossovers with FIM. You know, where the FIM characters can't and really don't do anything and it's up to the other universe to save the day.
Not to mention degrading both Celestia and Luna. {Why do people do that? Especially Celestia. She gets beat by every other good/bad guy in fiction.} Come on. I was hoping the author would treat them with respect, but nope. Pawns.
Which is really aggrivating in the context that even though they are gods, who have lead their country into a peaceful utopia {something we can only dream} for centuries, take a backseat to Queen Majesty. Yes, Queen Majesty. That queen who we never saw in g1, and from what I saw, not really ever mentioned, is built up as some sort of supreme goddess that can do everything....Why should I care about a character I've never seen in any generation? Why should I stomach seeing characters talking about her as though she's their equivalent of the God Emperor of Mankind, when they are currently ruled by two goddesses we've seen in the show and have grown ever so fond of? Yeah, this is just me personally, but if anything, maybe they should be worshipped. {And now it seems she's been hiding all this time....Okay. Seems like a cowardly b**** to me.}
Not mention that she had a son with a human, threw him to the side because he was different, forced her human lover to find someone else so that he can have children that will one day save them, and then take him away from them causing Megan to hate men and torture Danny over it.
That's their Queen? She just makes me want to punch her. {I should note that Celestia and Luna would have been queen's had it not been for Hasbro...Stupid.}
{Still this is good work and I like your interpretation of events. It's just that ending was just...it was like a Shamala twist. Like how aliens hate water and stuff.}
3425050 Hey. I'm working off the source material which is Davidson's work. HE was the ones who made Celestia and Luna Grogar and Tirac's mindbitches. HE was the one who said the Elements of Harmony were designed to be used by good or evil. I'm just willing to see it through.
And how do you know all the technology ponies are using isn't ancient? The G1 ponies had the same technology 5,000 years ago. It was just on a smaller scale then. My point is pony society has gotten bigger but not better.
As for AJ, it's not that she simply refused to embrace the Flim Flam Brothers' technology, it's that she rejected the notion that she should find a different way of making cider entirely despite the fact her methods are inadequate. Better to suck your way than be effective someone else's way. That's right up there with Mysterious Mare Do Well in terms of being a terrible moral.
And while I typically respect other people's opinions, I honestly hate the fanon that Celestia and Luna are gods. Faust herself has said they're not meant to be deities.
And while Majesty never appeared on the show (she was actually slated to appear in the cartoon series, but was dropped so they could make Megan the ponies den mother), she was featured heavily in the comics and other written media where she was an absolute badass who could seriously ruin your dead if you threatened her kingdom.
Now I know how Davidson felt. Well, damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.
3425088 Hey I'm not trying to be mean to you or anything.
I'm just stating my own opinion. I'm sorry if I came off a little...okay a lot strong. I just didn't care for it personally.
And Deity is a loose term. They move the sun and moon {pretty much they are the sun and moon in mortal form} and are immortal. That can be considered a deity. Just look at other religion and such. Heck, they are like the God Emperor of Mankind. Powerful immortal ruler who cares for their people. Maybe not gods, but some may call them that.{Why do you hate that idea though?}
And yeah, I've heard. I've just never seen it myself and thus have no attachment to her.
Well, would you trust someone like the Flim-Flam brothers? {I wouldn't.} I mean, they were shifty eyed businessmen. And they were kind of haughty, antagonizing the apples, and instead of trying to be nice about the ordeal, they try to con the Apples out of both their land and home.
3425144 I wouldn't trust the Flim Flam Brothers as far as I can throw them. However, I wouldn't just brush off their presence and keep puttering along like nothing's happened because "That's how we always done it" either. The fact Applejack didn't give an inch despite the events of the episode screaming her ear "How you're doing things isn't working, so you have to change your ways somehow!" was aggravating. Again, the message boiled down to "Better to suck my way than be effective another way."
3425211 Erm...Okay yeah. The Apples could use some renovation in their work, but they are traditionalist. Quite a few humans have and would do the exact same thing, wanting to keep with tradition.
Ah... thanks for reminding me how incredibly insanely bad that final chapter was. And how head-tiltingly... I don't know. How it bent Equestria to be so horrid? How it demeaned G4, too.
3425211 AJ *did* want to use the Flim-Flam brothers' technology, but the offer they made her was unacceptable. Then Granny Smith bet the farm on their traditional methods working.
In general, Equestria strikes me as a society that's in the middle of a dark age -- the population is depressed with vast tracts of wilderness between the surviving cities, and lots of knowledge was lost in whatever disaster put them in that state. Basically, it's post-apocalyptic. Whether Discord or Nightmare Moon or something else entirely was the apocalypse, the jury's still out. But dark ages tend to last about a thousand years, so they might be due for a renaissance.
3425603 I'm thinking of refining this more. I'm trying to get Tirac and Grogar's personalities down better. I want to give the sense that they're not just the big scary monsters that snarl at you. It's the demented workings in their head you really have to be scared of.
I also like the idea that Equestria is a distopia from the perspective and Megan and Wind Whistler and that harmony is not necessarily good. The Borg are the most harmonious creatures in fiction, but are without question antagonists. I even decided to change how they stop the Elements of Harmony to Megan and Wind Whistler using the Mane 6's individuality to knock them out of harmony.
It's also a chance for me to openly mock everything I don't like about the show. I don't like the origins of Equestria as told in Hearth's Warming Eve. I don't like the black and white ending to Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. It's my chance to take everything I saw as wrong about the show and say "It's wrong."
3425808 If you're continuing this, may I ask why it's marked as 'complete'?
3425812 Because I didn't bother to change it from when it was a one shot.
3425808
Well, you're entitled to your opinion. But the notion that Equestrian society ostracizes individual excellence is simply not supported by anything in the show. Rarity is valued for her accomplishments as well as for her generous attitude, and her creations always examplify the intended recipient's individual personality rather then conform to a single, homogenous standard.
I think the problem here is that you're confusing "Harmony" with "Loss of Individuality", which is counter to the friendship lessons of the show itself. Harmony, as taught by the show itself, is about different people coming together and getting along, not about everyone thinking the same way. The Mane Six are the most solid group of friends in existence, and yet they all have the most different personalities ever, many of which still clash today, even as they've learned to get along.
And that is why I refuse to believe the Elements of Harmony could've been created by the forces of Evil, or even that Tirek and Grogar could even use them. Heck, when Sunset Shimmer stole Twilight's crown and used its power to turn herself into Demon-goddess Sunset, it's power backfired and empowered Twilight and the Humane Six to defeat her. The Elements of Harmony just aren't meant to be used for Evil, and never will be.
Besides, the only way I could ever see anyone from the Forces of Evil use "The Power of Friendship" would be creating a spell that, everytime it's used, reduced the amount of friendship available in the Universe.
3427141 You're thinking on the micro level. On the macro level, there is a loss of individuality and stagnation. The fact Twilight finishing a sentence is such a monumental event tells us new ideas don't come around very often, or are at least not accepted very very often.
I think I want to change the wording about Flim and Flam, saying only con artists looking to make a quick bit seem to be the ones coming up with new ideas.
And Sunset Shimmer obviously wouldn't know everything about the Elements of Harmony. (She should have barely known anything at all about them.) If Grogar and Tirac actually made them, they would know how to use them and are much more powerful that Sunset.
3427267
Uh, if you refer to Twilight finishing Star Swirl the Bearded's spell, then let me point out the obvious: It's a Spell. And a very powerful spell, considering it messes with Cutie Marks, something that Twilight couldn't affect back in Call of the Cutie. You don't let just anyone mess around with an unfinished spell. Star Swirl the Bearded was the greatest Mage of his era, and he couldn't master the concepts of Friendship enough to finish the spell. It took Twilight Sparkle, possibly her era's greatest Magical Genius, and a new expert in the field of Friendship, to complete it.
As for the concept of the Ponies being resistant to technological progress, let me remind you that for a lot of the things we humans use technology for, the Ponies have access to Pegasus Weathershaping, Unicorn Magic, or Earth Pony affinity with Nature and Animals to use instead. Necessity is the Mother of Invention, and if the Ponies never developed a Need to invent ever better technology to improve their lives, they wouldn't have invented them. And as Striker pointed out, the big "Crime" in the Cider episode wasn't in Flim and Flam using technology to make Cider. It was in having outright criminal business practices of gouging apple farmers for the "privilege" of using their cider-making machine, which I'm sure they had a complete monopoly on. Meanwhile, in other episodes, we've seen Twilight having a fully set-up lab, we've seen a fully functional railroad system, and even modern construction equipment. Stagnant, the Ponies of Equestrian aren't.
And Finally, I still don't buy the idea of Tirek and Grogar creating the Elements of Harmony and having a "back door" allowing them to exploit and corrupt their power into a Rainbow of Darkness, no matter how much you and Davison try to convince me otherwise.
I'd sooner buy the idea that Tirek and Grogar think they made them and put them under their control, only for Twilight Sparkle and the Mane Six to utterly subvert their control over the Elements and turn them on them. ...Because as it turns out, Celestia and Luna were never the helpless pawns they wee thought to be, and created their own back door into the Elements to make sure Tirek and Grogar couldn't control them.
Nice chapter, but I found some things you may want to edit.
That should be "struck".
This part is doesn't state who "let a giggle escape", I think this should be "Megan let a giggle escape."
I found some things you may want to edit.
That should be "restored".
That should be "Sparkle".
That should be "Tirac"
And there's quotation mark missing.
I think I mentioned this in the original story's comments, but I think that all the plot points with Grogar and Tirac manipulating Celestia and Luna, and Tirac being Megan's half-brother and everything could work...but it needs to be spread out over the course of the sequel instead of just giving it to us in a GIANT infodump. Have the two reveal themselves and try to fire their evil harmony ray using the mane 6, but don't have them just stand there and exposit a story's worth of plot. Instead the rest of it should be slowly told over the course of the sequel as Megan and co work to find a way to stop the two and try to undo the damage. The half-brother thing especially should be a doozy to keep in reserve for when Megan confronts Majesty and her dad, or later in the story during another confrontation with Tirac. Trying to pull a 'Luke I am your father(or brother in this case)' in the midst of so many other revelations just deadens the impact.
I'm reminded of the story rule 'show don't tell' when it comes to the true state of pony society in Equestria too. Instead of the two big bads bragging about how decadent and close minded the ponies are, SHOW it during Megan and co's time in Equestria when they're going after the two. It'd be really heartbreaking for Megan, and especially for Wind Whistler in this AU, to see that the mighty Empire of Equestria is actually populated by shallow, small minded, jerks with a thin sugar coat of supposed friendship. I imagine a trip to Canterlot would be especially jarring, where 9 out of 10 ponies seem to treat anyone not a part of 'high society' like dirt.
I actually do like most of the plot twists in the original chapter 8 of Mighty Demon Slayer, and would love to see them in action, but they just DON'T work when you dump an entire sequel's worth of plot into just the finale of the prequel story.
Fascinating. And actually kind of sweet that both Megan and Wind Whistler got a second chance to make things right.
This is never going to be finished, is it?