A gripping narrative about DnD characters going to Equestria.Watch as these heroes traverse this strange land.
"A superb story"-Nolan North
" Truly a piece of art"-Carl the llama
"As good as fish fingers and custard"-The Doctor
"Selfless promotion is the best kind"-Me
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>Dungeons and Dragons
Oh boy, here we go...
3158882 Just wait it gets better.
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Wow why do people not like the story if its grammar i'm sorry but if you just don't like it please don't hate me for it
First I'd like to say congratulations on putting your work out there. That's the first step in doing something well, being brave enough to exhibit it. So, on that, congratulations. Anyways, my suggestions are as follows:
remember that after the end of sentences, there should be a space.
Also, another grammatical point is that it is best to separate dialogue from the main body of the work. Remember as an author you have control of multiple voices, one of these are the voice of the narrator, another is the voices of the characters. It is best to separate the narrator and the character through the use of the enter key. Especially for big blocks of dialogue
Next, establish your characters through their acts and words, not through telling us how they are. After you've done that, stick to the characterizations you make. For example, you do a pretty good job of establishing Oliver Queen as a kind of rough and tumble guy early on. You skew that perception when you have him pet the pony in the second part. It seems strange and forced. Let things evolve naturally and don't push to hard a certain shipping.
Also, perhaps this is just my taste, but try to imagine these people as real individuals and that you are telling a story about these people. Knowing that, I don't think I would have a person act so naturally to a naked person in the house. Not that these creatures would notice the nudity, I think. The ponies are all basically nude in the series.
Next, remember descriptions and adjectives. Be descriptive about what your characters do and what they look like. Also, the scenery is important to describe as well. Paint a picture with your words.
Finally, I'd suggest fleshing out the interactions between your characters. They should mention their thoughts and feelings and remember that people are multidimensional and not limited to a stereotype. I think one of your best portrayal of a character was Genome. He seemed insane and talked to himself. He mentioned having his leg chopped off, yet he did a couple of things that struck me as exceptionally powerful. He was an interesting character. Though I would hesitate personally to insert gods into stories. Everything you write should either contribute to the progression of the story or develop a character.
A couple of things that I wanted to mention that you did well. I think that your transitions between chapters were exceptional. Also you showed good language usage. Your verb choice for Oliver Queen at the beginning was excellent. You said he yelled, which is a harsher tougher sounding verb then he shouted and yet more controlled and serious then screamed. It fit well with his later characterization. Continue to choose appropriate vocabulary for the narrators description of something. Oliver Queen yells, or he glares. Genome would stare vacantly or scream. Xo and, especially, Shamus, were under utilized and I couldn't catch how their character should act.
Finally, having covered grammar improvements and various things you did well, I have to mention your story structure and content. Your story structure was well done, it was easy to follow. My biggest gripe with your content is that you should show us more of the characters before their entry into a new world and finish the story. You had a cliff hanger at the end that shows an incomplete story. Even if you are not entirely happy with it, you owe it to yourself to finish.
4869918 Thanks for the help. This story is currently on hiatus so I will remember what you said when I start it up again