Fruit

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Comments ( 9 )

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Mrnoodlezz

Mrnoodlezz #1 · Aug 31st, 2013 · · ·

YES! It's so hard to find these! Thank you!

Treelance12

Treelance12 #2 · Aug 31st, 2013 · · ·

yaay!!

Taxes

Taxes #3 · Sep 1st, 2013 · · ·

popping a cherry eh lolol

Norm De Plume

Norm De Plume #4 · Sep 2nd, 2013 · · ·

Eh. Not terrible, but you've got 3,500 words here and, while your build-up is fine, you've gone and used up all your rumpy-pumpy in only 730 words and 11 paragraphs, counting from the point where AJ says "Let's have a romp in the hay.". This leaves it not only short, but somewhat uninspired

For the couple of errors I saw on the first pass, it's "clambered", not 'clamored' off of her. And one not 'thrusted', but merely 'thrust' into her.

Hot Dog Jones

Hot Dog Jones #5 · Sep 2nd, 2013 · · ·

3144559

Thanks for the feedback, I really do appreciate it
Like I said in the description, this is my first clop, and I probably won't be writing another one as it's really not my style. I'm better with the gushy romance stuff, not the more sexual side of it, and I could tell once I was done that this really wasn't my best writing. Still, the guy I wrote it for likes it, and a few people on here like it, and I guess if it makes at least one person happy, it's a victory in my book.

Also, "rumpy pumpy" is probably the best term for sex I've ever heard. Thank you.

Norm De Plume

Norm De Plume #6 · Sep 3rd, 2013 · · ·

3145931

Oh, it *was* your first clop. Well, I admit, you went adventurous for your first one. That may explain things.

Look, romance can be every bit as sensual as clop, sometimes with even more heat if the mood can be presented. So don't feel one is a poor imitation of the other.

Hot Dog Jones

Hot Dog Jones #7 · Sep 3rd, 2013 · · ·

3147021
I know that clop can be a more heated romance, but I didn't really want to take that direction for this. The characters don't have an extreme amount of connection, and there really isn't much back-story explained, even though that's probably what I do best. I guess it is what it is, and if I ever come around to doing clop again, I'll be sure to be conscious of your advice.

anAngryHamster