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Chatoyance 2153248

Joined September 2011
472 followers

    Chatoyance's Stories (21)


    A Newfoal Earth-Pony Stallion writes from Equestria to tell his still-human best friend about his education there, and how Equestrians live and work.

    The third story of the 'Lost In The Herd' series of vignettes about ordinary people caught up in the Conversion Bureau universe.

    The previous stories were "The Big Respawn" and "Euphrosyne Unchained"

    First Published
    7th Oct 2011
    Last Modified
    10th Oct 2011

    Comments ( 35 )

    #1 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·
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    Maube Stephen is a member of HLF, who knows.

    #2 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·
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    I wonder why Stephen hasn't gone through the ponification yet. Also how are these letters going back and forth through the barrier? o.O Can't wait to read more.

    #3 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·
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    it was a little  dull

    #4 · Chapter 2 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·
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    ok

    #5 · Chapter 3 · 84w, 6h ago · · ·
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    fantastic

    #6 · Chapter 4 · 84w, 4h ago · · ·
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    "like a Vanderwaals clamp onto plastcrete"

    This almost ruins it for me.  Why on earth would anyone use this when 'like a barnacle to a hull' or somesuch would work better?  In addition, this does not have the weight of tradition behind it, and it's not easily understood.  Yes, I got it almost instantly, but I'm kind of used to this sort of situation.

    /editormode

    #7 · Chapter 4 · 84w, 3h ago · · ·
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    >>11045

    Hmmm. It may be that in trying to maintain a connection to the high-tech, Nano-age Conversion Bureau world outside of the Barrier, I used too many shotguns for that partic'lar weddin'. Noted.

    #8 · Chapter 4 · 84w, 2h ago · · ·
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    This is pretty interesting though one-sided since we're not seeing any of Stephen's replies. Still, I think I'll keep an eye on this.

    #9 · Chapter 3 · 84w, 31m ago · · ·
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    Hmmmm.....it's sort of odd to see where Trixie fits into the 'verse. My guess is that the word 'new-foal' and place name 'Los Pegasus' mean next to nothing to her; all she sees are more ponies willing to mock her for the Ursa Minor incident.

    #10 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 6d ago · 1 · ·
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    >>11107

    The technique of writing a one-sided correspondence is an old one. It is expected that the reader fill in the missing voice of the person being written to by implication and inference; of course any author attempting such a thing must work hard to try to make that effort on the part of the reader as easy and automatic as possible. But by having only one side of the conversation available, it becomes possible to set up situations that gradually reveal themselves in ways no other form can allow. I'm kind of experimenting with the style here.

    I am attempting, in each of the four stories I intend for this Conversion Bureau 'Lost In The Herd' collection, to try a different style or trick for each one.

    In the first, 'The Big Respawn', I made use of vulgar language to illuminate a fundamental change of consciousness.

    In the second 'Euphrosyne Unchained' I went the basic adventure story route as by-the-book as I could.

    In this third story 'Letters From Home', I am attempting the one-sided correspondence story.

    Here is a successful example (one of many) of the same concept that you could check out if you wish. It is the Hugo-award winning short story that led to the Nebula-Award winning novel of the same name, 'Flowers For Algernon' by Daniel Keyes. I found a link to an online version of the short story:

    http://dorinta19.bizland.ro/FLOWERS%20FOR%20ALGERNON%20.htm

    Please note that I DO NOT imagine I am even vaguely close to the kind of talent someone like Keyes represents. I am pony poop in a dung cart compared to Daniel Keyes. But the technique itself is well established and useful, and, well, if I don't try to practice different styles, then how can I learn and grow?

    Anyway, that is what I am up to here, for what it is worth.


    #11 · Chapter 4 · 83w, 6d ago · · ·
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    interesting

    #12 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · · ·
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    Oh, dear; perhaps he'll meet the four new-foals from the last story to gain a bit of perspective on this.

    #13 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · 1 · 1 ·
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    The third story of four is now done. I was a little more experimental with this one, a little more daring in the style. I hope it worked out for at least some readers. I especially enjoyed imagining how sapient ponies could work in the world, building and making things. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that a race of beings without hands could manage a technology - so long as their temperament enforced some form of universal cooperation - a 'herd instinct' overriding all else. The old saying from China 'Many hands make light work' applies, only with hooves and mouths replacing hands.

    When I wrote this I strongly felt Noah/Wildfire's emotion about the events of his life, my wish is that something of that might have come across. In any case, thank you kindly for reading it.

    #14 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · 1 · ·
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    You just keep getting better.  :pinkiehappy:

    #15 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · · ·
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    Wow. When I read the first part, the revelation, my heart sank. The intertwining between the stories was very well done.

    Only issue I could see was that Wildfire went from anger at his friend to forgiveness a little too quickly.

    But all in all: wonderful job. Your writing keeps getting better and better, and I'm glad, because I get to read all of your stories! Keep it up!

    #16 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · · ·
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    I was so shocked about the first part of the letter I could hardly read the rest, it was as if one of my own friends had betrayed me. The amount of emotion you were able to put in this piece was amazing!

    #17 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 6d ago · · ·
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    Another good story. I think you're improving with each one, and you wove this story into your previous one quite skilfully.

    #18 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Kind of nice to hear that at least some of humanity trying to fight, at least some of us not traitors.

    #19 · Chapter 5 · 83w, 5d ago · · ·
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    Well that was unexpected. :applecry:

    #20 · Chapter 5 · 79w, 22h ago · · ·
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    Wow, that ending hit me surprisingly hard, been very melancholy all evening since finishing this one, cried during the last chapter.  Nicely done.  

    #21 · Chapter 4 · 77w, 5d ago · 1 · ·
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    Soooo he's a helicopter pilot and he knows the schedule of a certain twilight sparkle. For some reason I feel like I know how his story is going to end....

    #22 · Chapter 5 · 75w, 22h ago · 1 · ·
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    >>11328 I think that's part of it, is that ponies are predisposed to forgiveness quicker than a human would be. It draws a nice distinction between the two species

    #23 · Chapter 2 · 62w, 5d ago · · ·
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    That was good! Very nice! :pinkiehappy:

    #24 · Chapter 1 · 60w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Even their poop is better than humanities. Weird.

    #25 · Chapter 3 · 21w, 11h ago · · ·
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    If anti-theodicy isn't a word yet, it really needs to be.  Loving it.  :pinkiehappy:

    #26 · Chapter 4 · 21w, 11h ago · · ·
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    The 'doomed by canon' brigade is having a party in my feels, dammit...  :fluttercry:

    It's even worse seeing the other side of that story.

    #27 · Chapter 1 · 11w, 2d ago · · ·
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    OK yeah, I tried. For scientific reasons. I mean, come on. No, down and under isn't really possible. Ponies aren't like dogs. Enough said.

    I'll be honest, at this line, I had to stop and take a breather, I was laughing at this line. :rainbowlaugh: The fact that he did it FOR SCIENCE makes it even funnier.

    Now you would be amazed at how smoothly this goes. It's like magic. Once the two saw-ponies were strapped in, I just found myself trotting in to the saw cover with the others. I didn't even think about it, We just all worked as one. I've never experienced anything like it, not even during my days back at the factory. And it felt good to work together. Nopony complains, or shirks, or causes trouble. Not when it counts.

    Say...a thought occurs to me. I don't know if you address this in a future story..but I had a thought.

    Perhaps its not so much that being an Equestrian makes one more positive (or more likely to work well with others) perhaps its simply the magic of harmony flowing throughout their lands that causes this. Were it not for the magic of Harmony, its entirely possible they'd be acting more like humans can act.

    This also gives an interesting theory on what Discord's Rule actually was. Perhaps he didn't actually do much except mess with things every now and then, but simply replaced the magic of Harmony with the magic of Disharmony, and thus "he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness." (Heck, other than replacing the magic, he wouldn't have to do a thing, and could just sit back and watch the 'fun')

    When there is a job to do, that a lot of ponies are all doing, suddenly it's like there is nothing more wonderful than helping out. Afterward, everypony is just back to being themselves. It's a little creepy, when I think about it.

    Perhaps I'm just weird like this, but this would infuriate me, for three reasons.

    1-I am very individualistic, and the idea of some invisible force controlling me, even if its to help people, simply chafes against my soul. I am not the type of person who enjoys being manipulated (unless I desire to, but that's a waaaayy different story.)

    2-If I'm going to help others, I want it to be because I genuinely wish to do so. I don't want some invisible force of some kind saying "right, so its helpy time, everyone play nice and help because I say so and you have no choice"

    3-I don't like the idea of someone forcing an emotion on me. Being forced to be happy is not something I'm keen on.

    But I was assured that within the borders of Equestria, nothing is poisonous. Nothing.
    That's technically incorrect, show canon at least. Poison Oak was mentioned, and that's not even getting started on Poison Joke.

    But something tells me in this 'verse that both obejcts don't grow anywhere except inside the Everfreee forest. Of course, also by show canon, the Everfree is technically within the borders of Equestria. But that's neither here nor there.

    I'll finish with a little statement about magic. Unicorns suck. I don't like their attitude. They don't know what real work is, and they prance around like that horn makes them more special than everypony. I don't have that feeling around the pegasai, they're cool. But I get annoyed at the unicorns. They're all loners, or so it seems, and because they can magic things, they don't seem to have that work-together spirit I described earlier. I wouldn't trust one in any sawmill I ran, that's all I'm saying.

    Seeing this bit warmed my heart :pinkiecrazy: Hey, don't judge me, I'm only a tad bit crazy!

    Maybe Equestria is a pocket universe, or subspace, or some alternate reflection of earth.

    Forgive me for being a bit out of it in my trek/technobabble, but does subspace even work like that? Of course, there's always the ever present handwavium known as 'DE MAGIKZ!!' but still, its something that bothers me.

    Otherwise, this was an interesting read, and while its pretty much an info-dump, it doesn't feel like an info-dump. Onto the next chapter, and then whatever story is next on the list!

    #28 · Chapter 5 · 11w, 2d ago · · ·
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    >>1844599

    Your comments cheered me when I needed it. Thank you.

    I'm glad you liked the 'For Science' dog bit!

    #29 · Chapter 4 · 9w, 1d ago · · ·
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    Okay, I just had to vent before finishing the story, I hate Stephen with the passion of the sun. I like, however, how you tied your stories together so well and how you made this into a major plot arch. Thiugh saddened, I can't wait to read the following reactionary letters. Really, this is a well-written and original story!

    #30 · Chapter 4 · 9w, 1d ago · · ·
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    >>11067 in response to your reponse to Orpheus, while I agree that your reference is not immediately understood by our present mindset, I believe that making such futuristic phrases actually adds to the stiry by making it relevant to the time period it represents. While people (or newfoals, in this case) may use old idioms like "heard it from the horse's mouth", of course there are going to be new ones made over the development of the human race. Currently, we make comparrisons with thigs that would have made no sense in the early 1900's, so why shouldn't there be new sayings in the future that we can only grasp at. I completely understand Orpheus's complaint and respect it, but I disagree in that it detracts from the story. If anything, it adds to the futuristic setting of the story.

    #31 · Chapter 5 · 9w, 1d ago · · ·
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    Wow. What a great way to end the one-sided correspondence story! I was afrad of how, after discovering what Stephen was going to do with the information (gained from your connections made in the previous chapter), the correspondence would be terminated. But you made a great decsision to make it a coping mechanism, suggested by his wife. Though, the mood swing of this letter (from anger to forgiveness) was swift, I think it is supported by his mutual awknowledgement of the horrible truth and his hopes for a better future. Also, as you said in "Unchained" and other works, that ponies are more likely to keep a level head and less likely to hold a grudge than humans. Great work! I like how you are using different writing styles for each of the "Lost in the Herd" series, and, of all of them so far, I think that you rose to the challenge of such an unconventional writing style (one-sided corrsespondence) with great success! Thank you for writing this! It was really amazing to read!

    #32 · Chapter 2 · 4w, 3d ago · · ·
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    D'awww! Origin story! :twilightsmile:

    #33 · Chapter 4 · 4w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Oh! I have managed to find out the answer to your request. I think it is really incredibly open-minded of you, after all of my annoying preaching about how you should join me in Equestria (as at the beginning of this letter, sorry, again), that you would want to hear the other side of the issue. I can't think of a better pony to hear about the non-HLF viewpoint than our own ambassador Twilight Sparkle either. I can see why you want to hear it directly from her. And I am more than happy to help.

    It wasn't easy, but I managed to find out her schedule, so you can see her in person. My new pegasus friend Skysinger knows a pegasus that knows one of the Royal Guard. I vouched for you, and explained things, and in the end he helped me out.

    Oh dear.

    #34 · Chapter 5 · 4w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Oh shit.

    That origin story.

    :twilightoops:

    #35 · Chapter 5 · 4w, 3d ago · · ·
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    Wow. That was a gorram rollercoaster of feels, but... I think what hurts the most is not knowing whether Skysinger and Wildfire ever made up. :fluttercry: I hope Sky decided to try again, eventually. Which reminds me, I still need to figure out who Amaranth is...

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