Twilight Sparkle is now an Alicorn! Yay! And Flash Sentry, one of the Royal Guard, has arranged a secret meeting after the Coronation. But Sunset Shimmer appeared with Flash Sentry, talking to each other. Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer fought, but Princess Celestia taught them a lesson. Who will Flash Sentry choose?
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Our little egghead's in love.
Where's the kiss?
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No, just no
here is the rage of the day
How can you even write this, its a freaking demon spawn, you took the modern mlp that everyone like, and you write a story that would be a episode of g2 or g3, this fic also represent what brony where scared of about eqg. Freaking high school drama, the story is not even dramatic, romantic or even funny, a second grader could have written better, because you sir should stop writing fanfics, because this is just an insult to the fandom
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It takes a lot of guts to post a story like this. I thought Flash Sentry was a pegasus? How was he in Magic Kindergarten? I wish you luck in your future endeavors.
Well, this was boring and bland. Just like the couple!
3059831
Replay button? WHERE'S THE DAMN LOOP BUTTON?
Srsly, tho, made me laugh waayyy too hard.
1) Length 2) Know when to start a new paragraph
3) "Quotation marks" 4) Description
5) Rough verb usage 6) Flow of the story
7) Proofread it first to understand that it makes sense
Some pointers to work on; Overall, though....
3059381 Don't waste your time man just walk away he/she is too far gone for any help. If this story were a dog I take it out back and shoot it multiple times until it's a gory unrecognizable mess.
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Well, do i do like it.
It's funny! But can you make the chapters longer? Other than that, good start as a newbie like me.
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What *is* the deal with all of this Flash Sentry business lately anyway? I really don't understand it.
Sorry guys, I think it's a bit small of words in each chapter (it's my first time~! :D ) but, oh well, it's worth it.
3061997
He's Twilight's new love interest based on the movie "Equestria Girls" that I saw on sale today at the local Costco for under $10.00.
And no, I didn't waste my money on that tripe.
3062885
A little small? You've got five chapters and barely over 1000 words. There simply is no reason for this other than a general misunderstanding how storytelling works. Whole chapters should be about 1000 words at a minimum.
This was simply too fast and not interesting enough.
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Is English just not your first language?
Anyways, in just these hundred or so words, you've presented a Twilight that's out of character, a Celestia that's nothing like Celestia, and you've attempted to make Steve important in ways no Background pony has ever been.
You've probably scared a number of readers off, at a few places in this transaction. I know I stopped reading seriously after:
I promised to go at the back of the Canterlot Castle after my Coronation.
I mean, that line's just cluttered at best. At worst that's just a portent of things to come.
Why is a Pegasus in Magic Kindergarten?
Why does the coronation take place after the EqG movie?
Who sits around and pokes their friends?
3061997
He's just a blank slate-almost-with no personalty that was in the movie just for filling the role of a love interest (because is not a proper high school setting without having something to call "BOUYFREND OR GURLFREND UGUU").
On top of that (and adding on how badly executed was the whole Equestria Girls premise) he ended up being almost entirely pointless.
TL.DR: He's basically the Jar Jar Binks of this fandom.Even Sunset Shimmer is more of a character than him...and that's saying something.The only good thing is that people can play with him in fanfics and try to make him a decent good guy or a villian (depending of how you view him).
Have you not seen Equestria Girls? In the end, Twilight is apologetic towards Sunset Shimmer after the battle thing.
And Sentry is in trouble for NO reason.
3059226
This guys right where is the kiss?
well this is plainly terrible
ignoring the fact of chapters being so short, chavy girls could wear them as skirts, every character acting out of character, a Pegasus being in magic kindergarten... this would still be crap because its about Flash fucking Sentry, who in their right minds could have watched the movie and seen him as anything other than the bland, cliché cock that he was. he is easily the worst character that has ever garnished the shows reputation
This was simply beautiful.
I like it, it's fantastic!!
I have to do this, may god forgive me.
FLASH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!
I have a feeling that this is your first time doing something like this. Everyone makes errors and need some help. The plot for it was good. The chapters do need to be longer and some more details. The more you write, the better you get. Keep trying and it will become easier.
I'm still a new writer, but I've taken some time and rewrote some one of my stories. I like the idea you had for this, but the pacing had trouble. I have trouble with my pacing, so I've been trying to slow down a little. Just thought I would give some advice. try doing a rewrite and make it longer. The longer the story, the better they get.
Not the best fan fic
Umm... Is it your first story?