Featherflint's eyes flew open.
She was surrouned by a darkened forest and trees. It was freezing cold. Rain pelted down on her shoulders. She shivered and tucked her mane behind her ear. She sat up and stared at her... Hooves?
Normally where her hooves would be, were tanned, long fingers. She shrieked as she stared at her bare body, which was similar to what they described in storybooks. A human body. "Dear sweet Celestia..." She choked on her words. A small body of water, a pond made dim moonlight ripple on her new form. She slowly stood up on her new legs, and staggered over to the water. Pebbles cut into her feet, though she continued. Water skater bugs dashed away from where she collapsed near the pond, the reflection of her human face the last thing she saw.
***
"H-hello? Ar-are you alive, miss?" Inquired a shaky female voice. A uncertain finger tentitivally jabbed into her leg. The former pony's eyes shot open with a sharp gasp, and the finger recoiled as if pulling away form a mouse trap. A tall hominid standing on two limbs infront of her. Featherflint was sprawled in a large patch of mud, and smelled completely raunchy. She wrinkled her nose at herself in disgust. Her wings were crumpled and sore, and her form felt completely wrong. Not bad, just wrong. Wrong as her form felt extremely different.
The hominid standing before her was perhaps as tall as Princess Celestia herself; her mane was long, blonde, and braided, such as Applejack's, one of the elements of harmony. Her bright green eyes examined Featherflint's body in a concoction of concern, alarm, and mild disgust. The female being's phisique was fully clothed in a plaid shirt, and denim shorts, only exposing her thighs. The former pegasus's brow furrowed in confusion; the middle of the Everfree forest wasn't really the type of place someone would wear a full suit of clothing. Featherflint launched into a sitting position, her large maroon wings snapping out instinctively as she did so.
"Oh, god." The human girl backed away from Featherflint, startled by the red wings sprouting from the unclothed girl's back. She stared at them for what seemed like an hour, before finally speaking timidly.
"Who are you?" Asked the human.
Featherflint didn'nt speak for a while, seeing as she was just as startled as the hominoid. She steadied her breathing.
" Featherflint." She folded her crimson wings back in softly.
The blonde girl raised an eyebrow. "Featherflint?" Her inquisitive curiosity taking over, she asked, " Where on eath did you get a name like that?" As soon as she said it, she regretted her poor choice of words. Featherflint blinked.
Goodness, this creature was ignorant. Insulting her birth name. The absolute NERVE of this thing! Featherflint got up and tried to walk away, hoping the human wouldn't follow her. Of course, she did. The blonde girl ran after her, still keeping her distance, though not as nervous.
"Wait!" The girl grabbed her shoulder, wincing as her thumb brushed her wing. " You can't go around without clothes!"
Featherflint turned around. She looked appaled. " Why?" Her voice was small and hard to hear.
"Uh, because you're in a town! You can't just walk around stark naked and expect people to be okay with it! How in the world do you think that would be okay? You act as if you never wear clothes at all!" She examined Featherflints face. "Oh...Wait here. I'll be right back!" The blonde human ran off.
***
After about ten minutes of sitting on the ground, trying to warm herself in a beam of sunlight, the being returned. She carried a saddlebag, which she flung down on the muddy forest path and unzipped. The human unpacked a pile of brightly colored clothes, a white towel, a purple bottle filled with a cream like substance, a bar of soap, and the only recognizeable item from the bag was a fine toothed comb. The girl looked down at her, and tried to hide the fact that the wild girl smelled repulsive. "Would it, erm... be okay if you, um," She played with her fingers awkwardly. "Sort of bathed in the pond?"
Featherflint nodded and jumped into the pond, the water chillier than she had expected. She grabbed the soap from the edge of the pond and began to scrub herself.
The human coughed "Anyway, I'm Amy. Are you from here?"
The former pegasus shook her head. Amy gave her a strange look. "Then where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I'm from Equestria. And, I don't know how I got here." She fibbed. All she remembered was who she was, and the lab she was in before everything went black. Featherflint bit her lip and pointed to the purple bottle. " What is that supposed to do?"
Amy laughed. " It's for your hair. It makes it clean and shiny."
"You mean... put it in my... my, uh, hair?" She tried her best to mimic the word she had said. She was pretty sure Amy was reffering to her mane.
"Err..." Amy looked confused. " Yeah, and then wash it out of your blue hair. Is it naturally colored like that?"
"Yeah." Featherflint awkwardly rubbed the cream from the bottle in her hair, and the dunked her head in the pool to wash it out. She got out of the water, and Amy tossed her a towel. The former Ponyville citizen dried off, and then was tossed a white bra and underwear. She put those on. Amy picked up the pile of clothes, which were similar to what she was wearing, then gave them to Featherflint. She looked at the garnments in her hands. A striped button up shirt, the same denim shorts the human was wearing, and a pair of size 5 running shoes. She put those on too. She used the comb to pull the tangles and some of the unwashed shampoo out of her hair.
"There." Amy looked satisfied, and she grinned. " Now you look presentable. Follow me." They walked off, silently through the noon sunlight, curvong through the paths and cutting through the grass.
Good looking. A twist. Not HiE... PoE. I shall read.
Meeeeeeehh.... Just read what you have. Not half bad... Good pace, but needs more character development.
251210 Thanks, It's my first Story, so i'm trying the best i can with this.
251405 So many people with "First stories". Try mine if you get the chance. I started out a few days back. Finished a fic. Workin' on another.
I'm anxious to see where this goes...
Great chapter, hoping for more.
Where to begin, let us see... Keep in mind that I'm only trying to help, so please do not take any offense. One of my favorite hobbies is helping out new writers.
Grammatical issues: It's 'prologue,' not 'prolouge.' There are a few other minor things that I won't bother getting worked up over, but I do recommend a grammar check.
Punctuation issues: Every paragraph should begin with an indent from the Tab key. Similarly,
Supplementary thoughts: The pacing seems fast, in my own opinion. The chapters are far too short for my own liking (I prefer chapters to hover around 5,000 words minimal, but that's just me.) The description has an overt tendency to show, rather than tell; for example -
"Hello? Are you okay?" A finger jabbed into her leg. A human stood infront of her. She had a long blonde mane braided down her back, and bright green eyes. She wore... clothes. How strange. The forest was't a formal place to be wearing clothes. Featherflint's wings flew open, and she sat up fast. - is what you wrote, in could be improved like so:
"H-hello? Miss, are you okay? Are-are you alive?" questioned a decidedly female voice. A hesitant finger took an experimenting prod at Featherflint's leg. The recently poked - and former pony - girl's eyes shot open with a complementary gasp, the finger instantly recoiled as if the leg it had poked had suddenly transformed into a rabid gator. Standing tall upon two legs was a large hominid. Featherflint herself was sprawled upon her back in a patch of muck. Her wings felt stuck, and her body felt all kinds of wrong; not bad but just wrong, almost as if her body wasn't even her body.
The hominid before her was tall, perhaps as tall as Celestia; its mane was long, blonde, and braided. Its green eyes looked at Featherflint with a mix of fear, worry, and mild disgust. The being is fully clad in clothing, a pair of denim pants and a plaid shirt. The girl's brow furrowed in momentary confusion; the heart of the Everfree forest wasn't exactly the kind of place where you were a full suit of clothing .
With a start Featherflint launched herself into a sitting position, her crimson wings flared out of their own accord as she did so.
That's how I would write it, at least. Try to write in a fashion similar to that. Make sure to not skimp of the details. I hope this helps.
Das Vadanya!
251679 Thanks, I'll try to fashion it like that. Just an idea i threw together.
251710
Oh I perfectly understand, but ideas throw together like *snap* that are questionable at best. I highly recommend that you work out how your story is going to end, and then the beginning, and then work from point A to point B.
The PoE fic I've been working on (Like my 155k words flagship fic) began with an idea just as yours. But I have a lore bible for my world, I world-build and create the plot before I even begin to write out the story. I have everything from maps of post-apocalyptic America (overlayed with interesting features and various political factions) artwork of the main human OC, various pieces of artwork (Like so ), various character flaws of the OC, and etc - all of which i have and I haven't even begun to write it.
If you want a good plot you must work to a specific ending I mind. That's my 10 cents, and I hope it helps. Oh, and you've my permission to C&P my version of the opening dialogue; providing you so wish to, that is.
251772 Of course! I was looking for an opinion of someone who knows what they're doing here. Thanks a bunch .
251992
Feel free to ask me whatever you like, mon ami! I revel in helping newbies out so that they can create a better story.
252058 Great! Maybe you could help me with the plot for the story!
252235
Send me a private message if you're serious about me helping you. Lord knows I'm a glutton for punishment.
Have a great day.