Featherflint wakes up in a forest, disoriented. She seems to not be in Equestria, but in a strange place, with the storybook creatures called, "Humans." (A humanized "PoE" story)
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 13th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 14th, 2012
Featherflint The Pegasus
Just your average Brony, who is a girl, and hates the name pegasister. I'll stick with Brony please. :)
Featherflint The Pegasus
Joined 13th Feb, 2012 ·
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Good looking. A twist. Not HiE... PoE. I shall read.
Meeeeeeehh.... Just read what you have. Not half bad... Good pace, but needs more character development.
251210 Thanks, It's my first Story, so i'm trying the best i can with this.
251405 So many people with "First stories". Try mine if you get the chance. I started out a few days back. Finished a fic. Workin' on another.
I'm anxious to see where this goes...
Great chapter, hoping for more.
Where to begin, let us see... Keep in mind that I'm only trying to help, so please do not take any offense. One of my favorite hobbies is helping out new writers.
Grammatical issues: It's 'prologue,' not 'prolouge.' There are a few other minor things that I won't bother getting worked up over, but I do recommend a grammar check.
Punctuation issues: Every paragraph should begin with an indent from the Tab key. Similarly,
Supplementary thoughts: The pacing seems fast, in my own opinion. The chapters are far too short for my own liking (I prefer chapters to hover around 5,000 words minimal, but that's just me.) The description has an overt tendency to show, rather than tell; for example -
"Hello? Are you okay?" A finger jabbed into her leg. A human stood infront of her. She had a long blonde mane braided down her back, and bright green eyes. She wore... clothes. How strange. The forest was't a formal place to be wearing clothes. Featherflint's wings flew open, and she sat up fast. - is what you wrote, in could be improved like so:
"H-hello? Miss, are you okay? Are-are you alive?" questioned a decidedly female voice. A hesitant finger took an experimenting prod at Featherflint's leg. The recently poked - and former pony - girl's eyes shot open with a complementary gasp, the finger instantly recoiled as if the leg it had poked had suddenly transformed into a rabid gator. Standing tall upon two legs was a large hominid. Featherflint herself was sprawled upon her back in a patch of muck. Her wings felt stuck, and her body felt all kinds of wrong; not bad but just wrong, almost as if her body wasn't even her body.
The hominid before her was tall, perhaps as tall as Celestia; its mane was long, blonde, and braided. Its green eyes looked at Featherflint with a mix of fear, worry, and mild disgust. The being is fully clad in clothing, a pair of denim pants and a plaid shirt. The girl's brow furrowed in momentary confusion; the heart of the Everfree forest wasn't exactly the kind of place where you were a full suit of clothing .
With a start Featherflint launched herself into a sitting position, her crimson wings flared out of their own accord as she did so.
That's how I would write it, at least. Try to write in a fashion similar to that. Make sure to not skimp of the details. I hope this helps.
Das Vadanya!
251679 Thanks, I'll try to fashion it like that. Just an idea i threw together.
251710
Oh I perfectly understand, but ideas throw together like *snap* that are questionable at best. I highly recommend that you work out how your story is going to end, and then the beginning, and then work from point A to point B.
The PoE fic I've been working on (Like my 155k words flagship fic) began with an idea just as yours. But I have a lore bible for my world, I world-build and create the plot before I even begin to write out the story. I have everything from maps of post-apocalyptic America (overlayed with interesting features and various political factions) artwork of the main human OC, various pieces of artwork (Like so ), various character flaws of the OC, and etc - all of which i have and I haven't even begun to write it.
If you want a good plot you must work to a specific ending I mind. That's my 10 cents, and I hope it helps. Oh, and you've my permission to C&P my version of the opening dialogue; providing you so wish to, that is.
251772 Of course! I was looking for an opinion of someone who knows what they're doing here. Thanks a bunch .
251992
Feel free to ask me whatever you like, mon ami! I revel in helping newbies out so that they can create a better story.
252058
Great! Maybe you could help me with the plot for the story!
252235
Send me a private message if you're serious about me helping you. Lord knows I'm a glutton for punishment.
Have a great day.
Seems the running issue here is simply the fast pace. I think it might be prudent to go into greater details about why your characters did what they did.
Side note: Oh dear god the horror, green hair. Dang greasers. Also, rather than 'top videos in the state' the term is 'trending.'
I'm going to have to agree with Crushric on this, the pacing seems a lil' too fast.
Still a good chapter, waiting on the next one!
-Minty