David woke late, as usual. He looked towards his clock. Eleven Thirty. Thankfully, his father was gone by then. David got up from his bed and took a quick shower. He thought about his schedule for today. Get dressed, eat breakfast, contemplate suicide for a while, almost do it, back out at the last second, cry for a while, do some reading, go for a walk, eat again, nap, get yelled at, eat a microwave or fast food dinner, go to bed hating life and wishing he would die in his sleep. David sighed and stumbled into his room. But then he noticed something odd. It sat there, bright pink and still. A perfectly placed Pinkie Pie plushie.
"Where did this come from?" David thought out loud. Carefully he approached it. He saw that it was sitting on top of a small envelope. He picked up the toy and moved it and opened the envelope.
In fine hand-writing, it said, "Hug this when you need a friend." What? Where was this from? Who sent it? The note had no signature or indication of a return address on the envelope. David's eyes drifted slowly and cautiously to the plush, now lying on it's side. David didn't believe a word of it. Like that thing was any substitute for a friend, it was just a toy. The mysterious person who sent this must have no clue how much his life really sucked. Whatever, it was a free plushie. David still liked the show, and Pinkie was his favorite character. So, David, after blowing off this odd development, left the toy on the ground, and went to go eat breakfast. He had the usual, boring, knock-off brand cereal. David decided to go for a walk earlier than usual. But the more he walked, the more his mind meandered to the plushie. Eventually, the only thing he could concentrate on for extended periods of time was the little, pink pony. He thought that it might be a good idea to go home and take another look at it. So he did. When he walked into his room, the toy sat where he left it. On the ground, next to the curious note. He picked it up, and sat it, upright, next to him on his bed. He stared at it for a long while, and it back at him with unblinking eyes. Upon closer inspection, David saw that this toy was different. It had no tag or logo to indicate ownership by a company. He picked it up eventually, and said only
" I can't believe I'm actually trying this." And preceded to hug the doll tightly. At first, nothing seemed to happen. In fact there was just enough time for David to think in his head
"I knew it was fake- what the HELL!?" That last bit he said aloud, because the toy now grew warm and began to glow. Not brightly, just with an odd pink aura. David dropped the toy immediately. The toy then stopped glowing altogether and sat totally still.
"What was that? What happened? What did it do?" David said, confused.
"Good questions." Said a quiet, high-pitched female voice from behind. David shot up and whipped around without hesitation. There, on the other side of his bed was a startlingly pink horse. No, not a horse, a pony. It locked eyes with David and both stood silently for a few never-ending seconds. David broke the silence the only logical way anyone would respond in such a situation. He screamed. The pony followed suit. The last David could remember was his head hitting the floor.
When David woke up, he was in his bed. He rocketed to his feet. Where was it? Where was..... Pinkie? Pinkie? Was it really her? She was no where to be seen. David felt his head. It hurt. There was a large bump, presumably from when he collapsed. Well, not really collapsed, more like feinted. He crept slowly out of his room and surveyed the hallway. Still nothing, but he felt something was still there. He walked slowly and quietly to the living room. The small TV sat there, untouched. But the kitchen was obviously occupied by someone or something. David got low to the ground in a crouch. He sneaked up to the doorway of the room. He didn't even get a chance to see who was standing in his kitchen before a calm and soothing, yet firm female voice sounded from inside the kitchen.
"David Matthews. Stand up." The voice said. Immediately, David rose to his feet and backed away from the door. "Do not be scared. I won't hurt you, I promise." The voice said, now accompanied by the sound of footsteps, or better put, hoof steps on the hardwood kitchen floor. David stood completely still. Through the doorway, came a tall, pure-white horse. Unicorn. No, Alicorn. Her shining multicolored hair waved in a nonexistent breeze. She stood proud and resolute, as if she actually belonged in this world. David was frozen in place. His mouth and throat dried-up. Celestia moved closer with a small, kind smile on her face. She looked behind herself and spoke softly. "Pinkie, don't be rude. Come out and say hello." A smaller Earth Pony poked her head out from behind Celestia.
"Hi." She said shortly and slinked back again.
"Pinkie, come now. Just come out and make a new friend." She still spoke softly. It reminded David slightly of his therapist. Always so soft and calm, even when he wasn't. Pinkie now responded to Celestia.
"He's no pony, he's something else. I don't want to be friends with him." Pinkie pouted.
"Hey, what's wrong with not being a pony?" David responded, without thinking. He regretted saying it right away.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH NOT BEING A PONY?!" Pinkie yelled. "It's wrong because you're something weird, what're they called? Humans? Yeah, that's right. Celestia told me all about you humans. How mean you are to each other.
and, and how-"
"Pinkie, stop." Celestia cut her off. She pointed a hoof to David. "He needs you." She turned towards him. "I've been watching you David."
"That's not creepy or anything." David remarked, a feeble attempt at a joke. Celestia's face did not move from it's resolute stare. "Sorry." He squeaked.
"I've seen the horrible things that have happened in your life. Your abusive father, your classmates, the death of your mother." She now spoke softer and more caring. With each of these things, David's head hung lower and his face grew darker. He sat on the ground and put his back on the wall. He closed his eyes and put his head back.
"Yeah, that's all true." He said, barely audible. He felt a hoof on shoulder. He was sure it was going to be Celestia, but when he opened his eyes he saw Pinkie. She hugged him tightly.
"I'm sorry for all those awful things that happened to you." She whispered. David returned the hug and said
"Why? You didn't do it, did you?" Pinkie snorted a small laugh. When the hug ended, David saw that Pinkie had teared up a little and found the same had happened to him. He wiped a solitary tear that rolled down his cheek, then his eyes. Pinkie did likewise. Celestia was visibly caught off-guard by this development, but was pleased. Her small, honest smile shone again.
"Pinkie Pie do you accept the mission I gave you, to be a friend with this human until further notice?" Celestia asked.
"Absolutely positively, Ma'am." She responded, seriously. David chuckled. Celestia did the same.
"In that case, you must know the rules." Celestia started. "First, you must never let anyone see Ms. Pie under any circumstances. You have a total of exactly 42 hours with her a month, that is all I can allow, with the fragile bridge between our worlds. You don't have to spend all 42 hours at one time. If Pinkie simply says 'I want to go home.' she will be automatically be teleported back to Equestria, and your time stops. You must hug the doll for Pinkie to be brought here, she must then accept the summon. If either does not happen, nothing happens. It requires both friends to agree to be successful."
"Finally, the doll is the only portal to this world. If it destroyed, I do not know how long it would take to make a new one. Months, maybe years, I cannot be sure. And Pinkie, try not to let your pony friends know. I would prefer as little mix-up as possible. Thank you and good luck to you both." And with a short, blinding flash, she was gone. The pair looked at each other for a long while. Then, the bright pink mare broke the silence.
"So, what'd you wanna do?" She asked.
3035725 Thanks! That's what I was going for! I'll be putting in more chapters soon.
3035851
Uhmmm... I'm pretty sure his comment was sarcasm.
You've got some major issues with this story but I don't know if you're ready to hear them.
But not as abysmal as your spelling.
3036081
3036038 Go ahead, I need the criticism.
3036081 Yeah, sorry. My bad. I'll fix it.
Meh, usual BiE story, with all the flaws of the brand.
3035851 Note the sarcastic Applejack face, numbfuck.
3038422 Hey, could you tell me what those flaws are, and what is BiE anyway, I'm just getting into FiMfics.
3036457
Okay, but remember you asked for it.
What we have here is a standard BiE or Brony in Equestria fic with all the baggage that goes along with such a thing. The BiE is the retarded younger brother of the HiE which is the Human in Equestria story. A good rule of thumb is that 95% of the HiE stories are absolute crap. I don't mean just bad, they're crap in that they're nothing more than wish fulfillment of the worst order and allows some sad virgin to bone his favorite pony. But most of them can be considered better than the BiE because we have the addition of somebody that already knows about the show and the characters. This is bad.
To add insult to injury you give him the cliche sad backstory. His mother was murdered by a convenient plot device. It's a minor step up from the typical "died of an illness / accident" trope but it's still contrived. The result is a sad childhood and a father who is now abusive for whatever reason. Seriously, they father is just a two dimensional asshole who serves nothing of the plot other than to be the antagonist to your OC who may or may not be yourself. And we haven't even touched the actual story yet.
Sad Emo kid who has a terrible life loves MLP and it's the only bright part of his existence. He's a sad kid. His father hates him. He's unpopular at school. Blah blah blah. Somehow Celestia knows about our world, imagination is a gateway and she had been watching young Emo for the longest time.
Instead of bringing him to Equestria she sends a plushie in the form of Pinkie Pie. Said plushie can turn into the real Pinkie Pie through.... magic and he now has a friend. A friend for only so many days a week and only if she wants to come.
(*Sigh*). I really have a problem with this story in part because it's cliche but also because it's simply uninteresting. When you get down to it, there's no hook here to keep the reader wanting to come back to read this and somehow feel for your OC. In short, this story is crap.
Upvoted and will read later just because you used my name. (my real first name that is)
Period after 'then'.
*the
No comma necessary there.
*it said, "Hug*
Combine those so they'll flow better
*When he walked into his room, the toy sat on the ground where he left it.*
Eventually, he picked it up. "I can't believe I'm actually trying this" was all he could say.
There was just enough time for David to think, 'I knew it was fake-' "What the hell?!"
'without hesitation' isn't needed because of 'whipped'
*horse. No, not a horse*
*long seconds* (seconds can't be never-ending)
How do you remember that? Just kidding on this one, I just thought it was interesting.
This comment was getting a bit long, so I'm ending it here and I'll continue on the next one.
Put some extra space between those two paragraphs. It shows a transition of time.
said, now
You don't need to be so descriptive about everything. Description is fine, but no one's going to care about the quality of the kitchen floor because it's already implied that the house is crap. Unimportant stuff like that usually doesn't require description, but with all things there are exceptions.
That's a bit out of character for her, you may want to tone that down
Obviously? It's hard to get Celestia to show emotion. She's lived for thousands of years and has probably seen lots of things. Through all of it, she needed to show little emotion other than sympathy so she could maintain her appearance. I don't think it would be so obvious, but it's still just a suggestion.
*accept the mission I have given you*
*any*
*then accept*
You didn't end the quotation marks.
Well, that's what I found the first go around. I hope that's it, but there may be a few small things I missed that may not be that big of a deal.